I have so very much to share on here, if only I had the time to get it all down.Today was a very odd day. I experianced many things but one that will haunt me is the one I want to get down here now. I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. It is not something I share often but I try to do it more often than I used to because sometimes others need to hear that they are not alone. I only mention it today though to say that things of this nature leave such a huge scar on a childs life. We must be so very careful with the young lives that God has trusted us with. Let us do everything in our power to save our children from anything that would scar them in ANY way.

 I woke up this morning very early with my baby to nurse her. I knew I really needed a little more un-itterupted sleep so after nursing her and changing her I asked my dear husband if he would mind laying with her for a bit. When a baby is in the room with me I tend to sleep very lightly so he sometimes will take her and lay on the couch with her so I can get some rest. (yes he is a SAINT! ) This is what he did this morning for me. I got up an hour later and found him sleeping peacfully with Samantha curled up on his chest. What a sweet sight, I tip-toed around and let them rest a little longer. I heard the baby start to fuss after awhile so I went out to ask if he was ready for me to take her. The odd thing was this. He was NOT awake. He usually will wake right up when she does. He was in some type of VERY deep sleep. I took the baby gently and he mumbled and looked kind of upset. I figured he was just dreaming and went about my business. One of my other kids told me that he was really talking out there later and sounded upset, they were laughing at first but then they thought he looked really upset. Sure enough when I went to check on him he was very agitated and upset but still asleep. He was telling someone to just stop it, that it hurt, and few other things but he sounded like a small boy instead of his usual manly self.  I tried talking to him very softly and was surprised that he talked back to me! He was worried about the baby at first,he said "they took my baby, the people took the baby,.. I love the baby" I told him that it was okay ,that I had the baby and she was fine, he was upset still but finally calmed down some, then I said "I have her honey, Mommy has the baby" he said  so sadly "No, there is no Mommy...my Mommy died" At this point I was about in tears, you see , my husband did lose his Mother when he was 10 years old. He had a very traumatic childhood. His real Father left when he was only 4, his Mother was a "party" girl and left them with babysitters alot as children, he had a step father who was very mean to him and then his step father took his Mother out for New Years one year, got drunk, drove drunk and ended up wrecking the car which killed his Mother.

  My husband does not like to talk about all this so hearing him talk in his sleep like that was truly a shocking experiance. And he kept on talking too! He said " I was really bad ,I got in trouble at school alot, I'm sorry I was so bad, it was my fault that Mommy left us all the time, she couldn't handle me, I should have been good, I'm so sorry (and he cried at this point) then he told me" Les is mean (the step Dad) he is really big and scary, he kicked me and kicked me, it hurt bad, I tried to run away, I put all my stuff in my wagon and I sat by the road for a long time...but no one picked me up...I'm sorry, I won't do it again though, I will stay, okay?, I promise, ... he mumbled more and cried a little more... then he said " my Mommy was really young, I was so sad when she died, she shouldn't have died that young, I should have been good for her..." then he turned toward me but still with his eyes closed and said "do you know my Daddy?" I said yup, I know your Daddy...he said" I'm gonna go see him soon, I sure do miss him...but he is happy to see me too, he loves me!" I said ,yes he sure does.He said "I am gonna see my Grandmom too, its gonna be sooo cool!" Then he finally said "Oh I gotta call my Daddy about this trip,I gotta call today.." He got real startled and then woke all the way up. He had NO idea why I was sitting there, why he had tears in his eyes, why I had tears in mine too, he really did NOT remember any of what had happened in his sleep.  It was the most bizarre thing I have experianced in some time! The only thing that was actually "up to date" was the fact that he is really taking a trip next week to Kansas to see his Dad and Grandmom, and he really did have to call them today. He hasn't been out there in like 9 years. I guess thinking on the trip stirred up all those old feelings, I really can not explain it all. I swear to you that I felt like I was sitting there talking to a little boy, not a grown man. It was so sad. It really rattled me deeply.The fact that those hurts must be so very deep, that he still fights with those demons...its just heart-breaking. The fact that ANY child would have to endure such things (and worse!) and actually beleive that they are to blame, it sickens my heart.

  It all just makes me want to gather my children up and protect them from EVERYTHING. I know we can't always do that but I sure wish we could.Keep us in your prayers if you read this. Pray for my dear husband ,maybe this trip can bring some healing to his little boy heart. Pray for all children who deals with broken hearts out there tonight.