I have had one of the toughest months of my life. It all happened when dh and I got in a fight (which is actually pretty rare). He told me some things that were true but hurt. We also were able to communicate about things that we hadn't been able to talk about in over 10 years. In a way the past, my past, was rearing it's ugly head. I was sent into a tailspin. I was almost completely immobilized by dark thoughts and secret sins that seemed to haunt me. I was so consumed by my evil side and I felt like God had suddenly abandoned me. I know now, as I knew then, that He hadn't gone anywhere but the sin felt like a dark shadow over me and His light was hidden. It was such a scary place. I had nothing in me to give to the kids. Somehow we got through school mostly because my oldest is very independent and he also helped his younger brother. My dh went out of town during this time and I was able to talk to a close friend about some things. She lives in another state but she is there for me like no other. She is the only one who understands my darkness because she struggles with the same things. Things we don't speak of to anyone else. EVER.

I spoke with my husband while he was gone and poured my heart out to him as he sat in a hotel room with a fellow traveller. Boy that guy must think I am nuts! Hubby was so supportive and sweet and worried about me. I felt so bad for dumping on him because I like to think I am strong. Sometimes too strong because I don't want to NEED anyone. It was clear during this time that I was anything but strong. I was weak and miserable.

About 2 weeks into this episode I decided something rather significant. I decided that I will fight this, I will win and I will hold onto Him until it's over. What I felt like doing was crawling into a dark hole and never coming out again. But that would just never do. When I tried to read my Bible I felt nothing. At church as I sat and listened to the sermon I felt nothing. At our small group meeting I felt like I was this shell of a person pretending to be a Christian. But I was still there. I decided to read my Bible anyway, still listen at church and keep fighting. It slowly started to dawn on me that God's hand was all over this. The light started to come on in my head. God was revealing to me in a new way that I was a wretched sinner. He stripped me of my pride. He showed me that I am NOTHING without Him. Everything good comes from Him. Everything good I do comes from Him. He is everything.

I went to church on Sunday. The pastor was in a tizzy because he felt God had shaken him so during his morning devotions. He passed on what he had learned. By the end of that sermon I was shaken up too. The shadow was gone, the darkness fleeing, the sun shining. I was free again. God loved me enough to let me see how destructive and evil my sins were in my life. He let me go through the valley. I had a lot to talk to my husband about after that. A lot to confess. We had a great time of discussion and he talked to me about other things I needed to hear. God is using him to speak to me right now. I have things to clean up. It all starts in the mind you know. If you let that go you are done. Finished. There is no recourse when your mind is under the control of the ememy. It is a terrifying and unforgettable thing. And I thank God He showed me what I was doing to myself. I was responsible for my own sin but God let me chase after it for a brief time to show me how utterly powerless I am when I turn away from Him. This sin I had, this struggle, it's not something we are supposed to struggle with as women. It's dirty and ugly. It's vulgar and nasty. I suppose all sin is. I wouldn't show you all the gory details or discuss those things in the deep recesses of my heart, but if you want to know what it is I will confess because that is the only thing that keeps me humble. Here it is, in a word.

LUST.