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I hope you enjoy your stay at Alyssa's Writing Cabin.
I'm a young Christian writer who wants to hear what you think about my writing. Please be honest. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I want to know what people think. Therefore, I really would like to receive constructive criticism. By constructive, I mean instead of just saying "I like it." or "I don't like it.", I want to know why you like or don't like it. Please be as specific as possible.
Thank you very much!
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The complete and updated story "Strange Times" can be read here at More Than Conquerors Magazine.
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"I’m telling you, Mark, you’ve got to stop using that ancient basketball! It’s like from 2000 or something!" Bill Long said. "These electronic ones are way better. They tell you what trajectory is best, if your aim is correct, if-"
"I know, I know," I said. "It’s just...I like my Grandpa’s ball. It feels...real."
How could I explain? My twelve year old friend was an electronic fanatic. But me? All these new technological changes scared me; I even abhorred some of them. I was positive they were changing life for the worse.
"Watch this!" Bill said. "A three pointer....it’s in!!"
"Well, watch this!" I said. I slowly backed up to half court, aimed, and swish!
Bill’s mouth dropped open. "That was just fortunate!"
"No, that was just skill," I grinned. "Not bad for an ‘ancient’ ball, huh?"
Bill just smiled and shook his head.
"Wait!" I held up his hand. There was a low rumbling sound. "Did you hear that?"
"Yeah, what is that?"
"It sounds almost like a..." My eyes grew wide as I stared into the horizon. "It is a tornado!"
"And it’s coming this way!" Bill said.
Suddenly, the tornado divided in two, forming twins. The twin tornadoes seemed to make a beeline toward us
I grabbed Bill’s arm and darted in the opposite direction. The roar of the tornado seemed to be coming from directly behind us. My hand slipped off Bill’s arm and he disappeared from sight. I screamed as I felt myself being sucked into a tornado. Around and around I whirred, losing all sense of direction. Why am I not dead? I thought. My mind was so jumbled that for awhile, I could not think of any other coherent thought. Finally, I couldn’t help but wonder when it would all end. I felt that I had been spinning forever. All of a sudden, it stopped and I found myself standing inside a building. My brain hurt; it was not only from dizziness. There were too many crazy things happening. I jumped as a man dressed in a white lab coat entered the room. "Who are you? Where are I? How come the tornado didn’t rip this building apart? Why-
"If you want me to answer your questions, you will have to be quiet," The man said.
In my entire life, I had never heard anyone speak as this man did. It sounded as if he carefully measured each of his words. I don’t think I’ll ever know how he managed to speak without an ounce of emotion.
"First of all, my name is Doctor Carson. What is your name?"
"My name is Mark. Mark Dayton," I said.
"Well, Mark, we are standing in what would best be described as a laboratory. The reason that the tornado did not hurt you is because it was not real."
"It wasn’t real?" I exclaimed. "It sure felt real."
"It is meant to," Doctor Carson said.
"Did you make the tornado?" I asked.
"Yes, my colleagues and I invented it. It is one of our biggest successes."
"Why did you use it to pick me up?" I asked. My curiosity had worn off and I was starting to get angry. "And what happened to Bill?"
"Bill is in the building somewhere," Doctor Carson said. "We did not mean to pick the two of you up. It was an accident. We are not bad guys."
"Then what is it used for?"
"Spying and picking people up," he said.
"Picking people up? I thought you just said you weren’t bad!" Something about this whole situation was starting to feel funny.
"We are not. We are helping to change the world in our own way," Doctor Carson said.
I was too tired to worry much about what that "way" was. I just wanted to go home. "Can you please show me the exit? I really think I should be going home now."
"I am afraid that is not possible. Unless..."
"Yes? What is it?"
"I like you so I am going to offer you one way out. You must push Bill into the portal," Doctor Carson said, callously.
"The portal? What portal?" I asked, impatiently. I was past annoyed. Why was he making things so difficult?
"Step back," he said.
I took a few steps back.
Doctor Carson pushed a blue button in the wall and a large circle of the floor fell away to reveal a portal. A swirling mass of blue gas now separated the two of us.
I shuddered as I remembered the tornado. I desperately hoped this was all just a nightmare; real life couldn’t-shouldn’t-be this strange. Yet I knew, deep down, that this was all very real.
I felt cold all over. "Where does it lead to?"
"A bottomless pit."
Just like that. As cool as a block of ice. I was really starting to not like this guy.
"You want me to throw Bill into a bottomless pit? No way!" I yelled.
"It’s your only way out of here. Your only way home."
I hesitated for just a second. I knew what I had to do; I just hoped there might be another way. I could think of nothing. Nothing that wasn’t wrong.
"I will not throw him into that pit. No matter what!" I said with determination. If I was going to die, I was going to do it with a clear conscience before God and man.
"Bill obviously does not feel the same way about you," Doctor Carson said.
I looked behind me and saw Bill walking in. "Bill? Bill?" He wouldn’t meet my eyes. "Bill, you wouldn’t...you wouldn’t throw me in, would you?" He refused to acknowledge me.
Until that day, I didn’t know slow motion could happen in real life. It was as if every movement took five seconds longer than usual. Maybe it was just because I was so stunned I froze. I watched as Bill raised his arm and pushed me. It was the weirdest thing. I actually had the time to think, while falling into the portal, he pushed me. Then, I began thinking about my predicament. There really is no such thing as a bottomless pit, is there? I thought. There must be a bottom somewhere. I tried to figure out if everything was still going in slow motion or not. It was impossible to tell. All I saw was blue gas. I knew I was falling but I had no way to tell how far I had fallen or how fast I was falling. I felt I couldn’t be falling that fast. Otherwise, how did I have time to think so much? Was I dying? Was this just a slow death? At least it’s not painful. I thought.
The gas suddenly dissipated and I found myself in another laboratory room. Doctor Carson stood in front of me...smiling. Two other men stood on either side of him. I guessed they were a couple of the colleagues he had referred to earlier. By now, I was more thoroughly confused than earlier and that was before he started talking again.
"Congratulations, Mark. You’ve passed the test," Doctor Carson said. "You didn’t push your friend in. We value that kind of loyalty. We would like you to be a member of our team."
"I don’t want to be part of a team that kidnaps people. Or tricks them, for that matter," I said, firmly. "I just want to go home."
"As I said before, that is not possible," Doctor Carson said. "Besides you do not need to return home. If you join us, we will take care of you."
"And if I don’t join?" I asked.
"You will be put in our containment cell," he said. "So what do you say?"
"I will say it again, ‘I don’t want to be part of a dirty team.’," I said.
"George, take him away," Doctor Carson said.
George certainly did take me away. He took me to a small dirty cell, shoved me inside, locked the door, and walked calmly off. I sighed. What am I going to do? I really don’t know how things can get much worse. I don’t want to know. Suddenly, things did seem to get worse. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I looked around, I found out I had a cell mate. Not just any cell mate. It was Bill. Bill. The one who had willingly shoved me into a bottomless pit. Bill the traitor.
"Mark? You’re...alive?" he said.
"No thanks to you," I snapped.
"Mark, I’m really sorry. I regretted it the moment I did it."
"Ah, yes. Because they threw you in here instead of sending you home," I said, bitterly.
"No, before that. I felt awful because I thought I’d killed you," Bill said in a choked voice.
"Why didn’t you think of that before you shoved me in?" I asked.
"I don’t know. I was just being selfish, I guess. Please, Mark..."
Bill sounded so pitiful I almost laughed. Bill was always the show off. The bossy one. The proud one. The popular one. I had never heard him beg before. For that matter, I’d never heard him ask for forgiveness. I liked hearing him plead. It gave me a feeling of power...of being in control. And I wanted to be in control of my enemy. The one who had turned on me.
The thought popped up that God told us to love our enemies and do good to those who persecute us but I quickly brushed it aside. This was not a convenient time to be thinking of loving your enemy! But it seemed as if I couldn’t stop it. It kept coming back. And back. And back. A parable soon joined it. It was the one about a debtor who had just been released of his debt of millions. He saw a person who owed him just a few dollars and started choking the guy because he couldn’t pay him back. That was obviously wrong...insane, even. I remembered what my dad had told me, "Son, God’s forgiven us hundreds, thousands, and even millions of times for all the wrong things we’ve done and all the things we should’ve done but didn’t. Then, when someone sins against us a few times, we often act as if it’s too much to ask that we forgive them. That’s not right. If we claim to love God, we must forgive others."
"God,"
I prayed silently. "Please help me to forgive Bill. Please give me Your love so that I can love my enemies. And thank You for loving and forgiving me. In Jesus Name, I pray, Amen.""Bill?" I asked.
"Yes?" he asked, quietly.
"I forgive you," I said.
"Really? Thanks, buddy! I promise I won’t ever do anything like that again!"
The relief in his voice was almost tangible.
"Hey, just don’t pressure me to buy a replica of your ball, okay?"
We both laughed.
I was surprised at how good I felt and how easily the joke had flown out of my mouth to ease the tension between us. Thank you, God!
"You know, those people really freak me out," Bill said.
"Definitely!" I said. "What do you think they’re up to?"
"They look like the type of people who would try to take over the world!"
"Oh, come on, they can’t be that bad or they would have killed us already," I said. "I think you’ve been reading too many Sci-Fi novels lately."
"How do you know I’m not right? You don’t even know where we are!"
Now this sounds like the Bill I’m used to.
"Do you have any ideas on how to get out of this place...wherever it is?" I asked.
"Well, I checked and the walls are solid. Also, there are no windows."
I sighed. "So there’s no way out."
"I didn’t say that," Bill said. I saw an excited gleam come into his eyes.
This is definitely the Bill I’m used to!
"Well, there may not be any way to get out of the sides or the ceiling but look at the ground!"
I looked, hoping to see something incredible. "It’s just dirt."
"Exactly! It’s not rock! We can dig a hole and sneak out!"
"That would have to be a pretty deep hole to get around the solid rock wall," I said, skeptically. "Do you plan to do it with your hands?"
"Ah, my old-fashioned friend, how many times have I told you that not all technology is bad?" Bill asked, relishing each word.
I groaned. Bill was being dramatic again. "Bill! Get with the point!"
"All right, all right, Grumpy," Bill said. "Remember the laser I got for Christmas? I have it with me!"
"Those guys let you keep it?" I asked.
Bill shook his head. "Don’t you remember me talking about my new shoes?"
"Uh, yeah, you said they...what did you say again?"
"You should pay more attention! I said they had a secret compartment in the side of the shoe. That’s where I kept my laser. Of course, the shoes do other things including-
"Bill, not right now," I said.
"Anyway, it’s not strong enough for the rock walls," Bill said. "Dirt, on the other hand, should be a piece of cake."
I still wasn’t thrilled but it seemed to be the only viable option. "All right. Let’s do it!"
Bill aimed his laser at a section of the ground near the wall. The green stream seemed to zap the dirt away. Sure enough, we soon had a hole big enough. Bill dropped to the ground and crawled through. I inched my way after him.
TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>
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Pip from Inkstains created an author tag. Here it is:
Do you have a pen/pecil collection? How many of those are chewed? I don't think I really have a collection. I just use whatever is handy. No, I do not chew them.
Do you prefer handwriting or typing furiously? Typing furiously :).
How often do you get inspiration? It depends.
Are you blogging this on a computer or laptop? A computer.
Do you get inspiration more in the early morning or late at night? I don't write in the early morning or late at night so for the most part, neither.
Do certain movies/books/music inspire you? Uh, they might get me thinking so yeah, maybe :).
How do you incorporate God into your stories? I try to make all my stories have good messages and be God-honoring. If possible, I incorporate the Gospel message into my books.
Do you kill off your villains or make them repent? Ha...ha...uh, it would depend. They might not die or repent.
Is the majority of your characters magical beings, humans or halflings? Or something else? I use human beings. As a Christian, I will not make any of my characters anything magical since magic is evil and Christians are commanded to not have anything to do with such horrible things such as magic, witchcraft, etc. If anyone is going to respond to this, please read these posts by a fellow blogger first: Magic for Pleasure, A Former Witch looks at the Lord of the Rings, and Abstain from ALL Appearacne of Evil. Please read them with an open heart and mind toward God and His standard. Thank you very much.
What genre of writing are you most comfortable in? If you were to step out of your comfort zone, what would you write? I am probably most comfortable with historical fiction...which I love to read! Stepping out of my comfort zone would probably be writing a science fiction story :).
Do you work better alone or with someone else? I work better alone.
Do your stories make sense, or do they ramble wildly? I definitely hope they make sense!
Are your characters mostly Renegades, Peacekeepers or a mish-mash? I would have to say...a mixture :).
Are you a sucker for good grammar? Yes! I am a perfectionist. (Even though my grammar isn't perfect!)
How is your handwriting? Perfect...how can you go wrong with Times New Roman? Just kidding. I don't think my handwriting is that bad.
How evil are your villains? It depends on the villain.
Are you long-winded or succinct? Too short. I want to be able to be a little more "long-winded".
Do you have typical "writer" traits such as inkstains on your fingers or a pencil behind your ear? No, I don't think so.
Would someone walking past you on the street consider you normal? Probably...except for the fact that I would be dressed modestly and femininely (skirts/dresses) so...maybe not :).
Do you write mostly poetry, stories, novels or a mixture? I write a mixture: novels, stories, essays, articles, and occasional poems.
Do your characters vary in accents, appearence and attitude or are they mostly the same? I try to make them vary as much as possible.
Do real people and/or places inspire your writing? Yes.
How many blogs/websites do you have? Well, besides this blog,...I have my main blog: One Nation Under God. I have a website: Modesty and More. I write for Growing in Grace Magazine. Also, I want to let y'all know about my mom's website: Homeschool Books Galore. Ever since we moved, Modesty and More has been under some "heavy" construction; please still feel free to look around. If you see something you want to buy, I'll do some quick checking to see if it's still available :). Thank you so much for your patience!
What is your favorite character? Or do you choose to remain unbiased in case of a revolt? Yes, I have some I like more than others. It's impossible to be completely unbiased, isn't it?
Do you talk to your characters? Do they talk back? Sometimes...when I try to get to know them better. (It's not that I believe they really exist :)...it's just sometimes fun to pretend!)
Are you more comfortable with girl or boy main characters? I'm more comfortable with girls but I'm getting better with boys, too.
Do you follow basic overused plotlines with new twists thrown in or do you depart from the norm all the time? I try not to use overused plots :).
Do you feel God has called you to be a writer/poet? Will you grasp "the power of the pen"? I believe God has given me an ability and I should use it for His glory and the futherance of His kingdom. Therefore, I am a writer.
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I learned the most important lesson at home which is my school because I am homeschooled. I have learned many important lessons in my home. But the most, most, most important lesson I have ever learned or ever could learn is that God created everything and sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die so that I (and anyone else who believes in Him and receives Him into their heart) can be forgiven and can live forever in Heaven. Salvation through Jesus Christ is the best, most important lesson I have ever learned. Nothing compares to this! It influences every area of my life. Because of it, I want to do all for the glory of God and the furtherance of His kingdom. I want to obey God and reach the unreached with the Gospel. These desires affect how I spend my time, who I spend time with, what I want to do with my life now and in the future, how I view relationships, what I write, and so much more. Some people would say, "You didn’t really learn that as a lesson in school. You were five years old!" If they define school as sitting at a desk, listening to a lecture, or reading a textbook, then no, I guess I didn’t learn the most important lesson in school. However, in my opinion, I have been educated since I was born. I am constantly learning and being educated-everyday and everywhere. In that sense, I did learn this most important lesson in school-because I learned it at home with my parents teaching me. I have learned many other great lessons which I would love to share with you but if I could only share one, I know which one it would be. It would be the most important lesson anyone could every share or learn. It would be the Gospel of Jesus Christ!
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Man
Strong, Brave,
Working, Providing, Protecting
Dad, Leader,...Homemaker, Mom,
Helping, Caring, Comforting,
Graceful, feminine,
Woman
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Adoption
Compassionate, Joyful,
Loving, Saving, Caring,
Family, Life,...Death, Cruelty
Murdering, Destroying, Ruining,
Selfish, Sinful,
Abortion
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Child
Small, innocent
Playing, learning, asking
Student, playmate...Parent, teacher
Working, helping, guiding
Experienced, mature
Adult
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I did not intend for a poem to be my second post. Poetry is not my specialty. However, The Young Writers Lounge's first assignment is to write a poem about your favorite season. Here is mine:
Winter
Cold, icy,
Sledding, skiing, snowball fights,
Snowy, crunchy, slippery, sparkly,
Winter