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Jan. 25, 2006
Resurfacing
Oh my, has it been awhile. I have come full
circle in my homeschooling journey. It will be a year this week
since I took my daughter out of school and sometimes, often, I feel
like we are still recovering from the experience.
I find myself on the fence so often, thinking maybe it wouldn't be so
bad to send her to a nice private school again. I worry that I am
always making us different from everyone else in the world. Maybe we
should just be normal, regular people.
Then I start to gag and I can't seem to catch my breath and my heart pounds in total panic.
I pray for a sign. I pray for God to show me clearly that this is
his will for us. He always answers the same, gently and with
patience.
So I recommit to homeschooling. Somedays I absolutely love it and
think it is the greatest experience of my life and theirs. And
then I start comparing myself to others, or my child to another
homeschooled first grader who is three grades ahead in math and reading
shakespeare for fun.
Then I start to gag and I can't seem to catch my breath and my heart pounds in total panic.
I pray again for a sign that this is his will for us. Please
Lord, be as clear as possible this time, so I cannot mistake what
you are trying to tell me. The last twenty times you answered I
was only 99.9% sure of what you meant.
And then the cycle begins again. I try out a new approach to
homeschooling. I look at a new curriculum. I toss the curriculum out
the window because we are just going to live and learn for
awhile. I go outside a month (or two) later and dig it out of the
ice and snow. My support group falls apart. I search for another, and
another hoping to find the right fit for us. Maybe we just
don't need a group right now.
I am surely naive, I really didn't think it was going to be this hard!
Okay, I admit some days are great, we have just been experiencing
operating difficulties a little too much lately.
Well, today, I have had it. I am determined to stop allowing the
thoughts of sending my children off to school to enter my mind. That is
not an option. This is God's will for us and I know this. I just
keep thinking that it is my choice!
Isn't that funny? I think it is funny that I can't seem to get it through my head that this is not about me!
Huh. This process baffles me sometimes. It is so clear to me what is missing in my life after I write it all out.
I asked a veteran homeschooler recently when she stopped doubting herself. She replied, to my surprise, that she never doubted.
We didn't have the opportunity to talk at length, so I can only assume
that she has the one thing that I have been lacking for so long now.
Trust.
Trust in God to do what he promises to do!
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Posted by 
Feb. 18, 2006 - Just dropping by...
Blessings,
Amy