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Learning to Let Go.
9:51 PM, Jun. 18, 2008
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I think I am slowly learning the process of letting go as a mother.My oldest is only six, but lately I'm realizing just how much my identity is so closely tied to my children and what they do or don't do. Especially my oldest. The fears I have for her future and how I will handle certain things and how I'm doing as a mother and whether or not I'm completely screwing her up for life are absolutely overwhelming much of the time. God has been showing me lately that my children have become an idol above Him, and instead of trusting Him with them, I am trying to control everything myself. This makes for one emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed momma. For the longest time I've had no peace in my parenting of her, and I haven't known why I struggled so much with resentment and confusion. God is showing me that it's because I've been trying to take over His job, and that's obviously not my place. She's HIS child more than she is mine. He created her, knows her inside and out, and knows how to handle her much better than I do.
So He's gently showing me how to let go. Not completely, of course. She is still so young and needs a ton of supervision and guidance, and will for a long time to come. But I think I'm starting to look at her more as her OWN person, and I'm slowly unraveling my identity from hers. She IS her own person. She IS going to make her OWN mistakes. She does everyday (as we all do), and it's not always my fault! This is so freeing for me, I cannot even tell you.
I love this girl; she is a bundle of LIFE. Everything about her is extreme. Her joy is exuberant, and her misery is desolate. She swings back and forth, depending on her particular fancy at the moment. Depending on what she wants. God is keeping me on my toes, with this one. He is teaching me so much, through my girl. And I am thankful. Exhausted. At the end of myself. But very thankful.
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