I'm doing better today.  When I got back from the library yesterday I had a good cry, Chad gave me some comforting words, and the world was right again. I'm so glad it's the weekend. I was able to get out for a little while again this afternooon since Chad is home, and now my laptop is working at Starbucks! So I get a little longer online here than at the library.

I'm not sure what happens but it seems I always have some sort of mental crisis in the third trimester, and when I am newly postpartum. I start questioning everything and wondering if I'm doing enough, or if I should be doing something completely different with my life. Like go back to school, or get a job, or all of the other things that have gone unfinished in my life. Which is so ridiculous, especially at this point in life when I am about to have a new baby, or do have a new baby. Chad gets used to me crying on a weekly basis, when I usually don't cry at all. I'm sure it's just a temporary break in sanity because I always regain myself and realize that being at home with my children is what I should be doing, and what God wants me to be doing. It's what I've always wanted to do. But sometimes it's hard not to question things.

I watched a reality show this past week called "Raising Sextuplets". It follows a family where the parents are a young-ish couple with 18 month old sextuplets. The mom is very glamourous and went back to school right after the babies were born. She got her nursing degree (something I haven't been able to do in 8 years of trying on and off, having only one baby at a time........) and she now works full time as a nurse. Did I mention she also has 18 month old sextuplets? She also runs marathons and instead of sleeping when she gets off from working the night shift, she goes running with her friend. Did I mention she also has sextuplets? She laughs and says that she can sleep when she's 100. And she has time to dye her hair and blow dry it each day, and put on make-up? Oh, she also has a really laidback attitude and laughs or smiles all the time.

This is them:

Hmmm. Probably not the best show for me to be watching right now. But I admit I was fascinated. Of course I immediately compared myself to her and wondered why (and how) she's able to accomplish all she does and at the very least fake a good attitude through it all. I was flabbergasted. How do the simple logistics of going back to school with newborn sextuplets even work out? How does someone do that? And then to work full time and take care of six babies and run marathons and keep up with a marriage.......surely something has got to give, right?

I don't know. It's easy to feel insecure when you compare yourself to other people. People often ask me how I "do it", meaning homeschooling and having more than 2 or 3 children, I guess. But then I see a show like that and realize what a wimp I really am.  I would be a basketcase trying to keep up with what that woman does. It makes me feel very insecure to know that all of that is even humanly possible. What excuse do I have for not accomplishing more?

See what I mean about the third trimester mental crisis?

However, I did notice there were some very distinct differences between her life and mine though. She didn't have her children until she was in her early 30's, as opposed to being 19 like I was. So I'm guessing she had time to accomplish some of her life goals regarding school and work before then. She also has family around that is constantly involved and volunteering to help with the children. I'd imagine that would make a difference in the freedom and capabilities a mother would have, but I wouldn't know from experience.  Since we are spread out from family because this is where God has each of us, there is no one to watch our children, so it is logistically impossible for me to leave them and go to school, or go anywhere for that matter. It's taken 4 years just to find a decent babysitter that I trust to watch my children. A pregnancy carrying 6 babies at once has got to be extremely taxxing on a woman. But I know from experience that multiple pregnancies and multiple births and multiple recoveries are also very hard on a woman. I'm almost positive my pelvic bones would shatter into a million tiny shards if I so much as jog, let alone run marathons, LOL! That's how it feels at this point anyway.  Her marriage may be able to withstand both partners working fulltime jobs and caring for 6 babies, but I'm not sure every marriage could withstand that.

Those are the big differences I have noticed. I hope that didn't seem like I was complaining, I wouldn't want anything in my life to be different than the way it is right now, truly. I love that I started having my children at a younger age, I love being a mother to soon-to-be 5 children, I love where we live, and I love the way our life is structured. I'm not sure why I'm going on and on about all of this. I guess that show really made an impression on me, and it's been on my mind a lot this past week. I've been searching for God's guidance on why different people are able to accomplish such different things. I'm realizing that each of our lives, and abilities, and resources are so very different. That gives me more compassion for other people, and for myself.

As I'm writing this all out, I'm realizing what a waste it is to ever compare my life to someone else's. Why care about the details of what someone else is able to accomplish? Does any of it matter in light of eternity, since we're all headed to the same place anyway? I'm beginning to realize that the important thing is being content with what God has given me, and He has surely given me more than enough, more than I deserve. I am so thankful.

Posted by Anonymous

GOOD THING SHES NOT COMPARING HERSELF TO YOU. I MEAN ..GEEZ..YOU GET TO SPEND ALL THAT TIME WITH YOUR KIDS, EXPERIENCING AND SEEING ALL THJEIR FIRSTS, SEEING HOW ALL YOUR KIDS INTERACT, HOW YOU MAKE TIME TO MAKE PEOPLE SMILE WITH YOUR BLOG, AND LOOK AT YOUR WONDERFUL HUSBAND. YEP, GOOD THING SHE DIDNT COMPARE HERSELF TO YOU,, SHE MIGHT BE FEELING REAL DOWN ON HERSELF IF SHE HAD.BY THE WAY, WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE TIME TO COLOR AND DO YOUR HAIR; IF YOU HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM THE HUGS AND SLOPPY KISSES OF YOUR LITTLE ONES ALL DAY TO DO IT. LEENA

Posted by kristigirl444

Thanks for the encouragement, Leena :)

Posted by Anonymous

HEY! I haven't been reading blogs lately. . .Running myself ragged, trying to teach one day a week. But I just caught up on your blog, and I wanted to encourage you. You seem like a "recovering type A" personality. I'm AMAZED at all of the school work and projects that you manage to do with your kids, when 1) you're pregnant and 2) Your kids are still so young! Pregnancy for me, pretty much consisted of me lying on a couch, trying not to vomit. I tell you this, b/c my kids are fine. . .even w/ cumulative YEARS of slacking on schoolwork during pregnancies. I just wanted you to be able to lower your expectations for the coming months. It's o.k. if you don't get it all done. . .or if you take a break for months. Things felt really chaotic after Luke (#5) was born, but they recover. I even threw Anna and Caleb in school for a year, when Luke dropped his morning nap. They did great. Anyway, I'm babbling. I just wanted to tell you not to worry that you should be doing more (maternal insanity!). With my oldest about to turn 13, I'm realizing how quickly it all really flies by. Talk soon, Erika (Anothermadhousewife) :)

Posted by Anothermadhousewife

P.S. I borrowed your idea and let my little guys do dishes on the kitchen floor today in giant tupperware bowls. . .and the floor got cleaned too! Great idea, and I'll be doing it again, b/c my dishwasher is broken. Erika :)

Posted by kristigirl444

Thanks so much Erika!! It's so good to hear from you :) I'll have to check on your blog soon, I haven't been around xanga in forever. I hope you all are doing well, and thank you so much for the encouragement, I needed that!!