Sep. 18, 2008 - Finding Time For Me
These past few weeks have been challenging. For two years I worked wanting to be here. Now I am here and have no idea what to do. The housework is piling up. The schoolwork is piling up. The laundry is reproducing faster than I ever imagined. I wander from room to room trying to fight against the mess and clutter, only to be weary and defeated as I drag myself to bed at night. I can't seem to accomplish the things I want to each day. I feel as though I need to carve myself out from under the mountian of stuff I decided needed done when I was done working. Two years worth of stuff.
I know, I know, being pregnant, homeschooling three kids, being as sick as I was, those are all reasons. But each night as I walk through the house and see messes everywhere, and each morning as I see my laundry piling up higher in my room, I feel like a failure.
There is so much I wanted to do when I was done working that I have not had time to do yet. Material I wanted to go over. Cleaning that I wanted to do. Games I wanted to play with the kids. Field trips. Scrapbooking I wanted to catch up on. I did not realize what this was doing to me until my birthday. I got a book from my mom that I could not wait to read. I put the kids to bed and snuck into the bathroom with new candles and new bath stuff. I lit the candles, ran a hot bubble bath, and slipped into the tub. I looked over at my book and suddenly realized something. I was not as happy as I thought I would be. I could not relax. I had no desire for that new read and hot bath. Being the fighter that I am, however, I perserved and got absorbed (see that nice pun- tee hee hee) in a wonderful bath and a great new story from the mind of my buddy Ted Dekker.
As the days have progressed, I have begun to see the things that are weighing me down. I have had no desire to do what I love to do. I am too tired. Too busy. Too guilty when I stop for a minute. I have become out of touch with myself. Not taking time for me. Time for tea late at night. Time to read. Time to relax. Time to have fun. Everything has begun to take on a "been there, done that" feel. Played this game. *sigh* Watched this movie already *sigh* Don't have time for that *double sigh*
ENOUGH. There needs to be time for me to do what makes me happy, what makes me ME. I have no been creative enough, challenging myself enough, experiencing the things I love best enough. No more. And the clutter, oh the clutter. We all do this, I am sure. "I can't get rid of ______________ becaue so-and-so gave this to me." "Oh, I have held onto that for years. Why toss it now? " "Just stick it in the closet, I will worry about it later." Only later never comes and you go to hang up your coat and get hit with an avalanche.
I have been talking about this with a good friend. She knew what I was talking about. Holding onto stuff because you used to like it. Now I am just tired of dusting it. Or around it. Or ignoring the dust because I did not want to move it. While on the phone with her tonight, I said enough. I went to THE CLOSET. The one that is scary to open. The one that actually has a closet inside it. I was armed this time, however. In one hand I held a huge trash bag. Beside me was the trash can. And in the other hand, the phone. We talked and laughed as I tackled shelf number one. And two. And three. There are now three boxes and one overflowing bag of stuff that is on it's way to Goodwill. Stuff I moved with 6 or 7 times. Stuff I have no idea where I even got it from, or who I got it from. Stuff that is just ugly. Or broken. There are two more shelves in that closet, but I need back up. One is way high and I am too short. And one is really low, and from here until the baby comes I have a strict no-bending-over-unless-totally-necessary policy. This can only be broken if one of my children is injured. Or by chance I drop chocolate. Emergencies only, people.
Wow, the power of filling up those boxes and bags, of carting it out of my house. It was cleansing. I feel renewed. I am ready to conquer greater things, like, um, the school room. Only that is too big. So tomorrow after school I will be in the closet. There are two more shelves in the hidden closet, plus a shelf that runs the length of the main closet. Plus a whole lot of floor to un-cover. And I have a shelf ready to store my scrapbooking stuff, way from fingers that want to stick my Creative Memories stickers to the TV. If only I can find the scrapbooking stuff...
