When you have been at homeschooling for 14 years like I have you come to know the occassional stretches of burn out that comes along from time to time. They pass as opportunities for rest and recharge come to make short order of the malady.

However, I have been in a prolongued malaise of burnout lately lasting into months. I completely understand the reasons,so there is no mystery of why I find myself here.

Overdoing during last year and some disappointmets of some hopes took my 'burnout immune system' down a bit.

Then my then 16 year old decided she wanted to go to public school and really hit me pretty hard  in her attempts to persuade me. She tried to muster up every 'reason' she could think of. A few of them valid such as my complete disaster in trying to teach her Spanish. I am so visual and so absolutely not auditory that she flew right past me in learning the language. With the local community college not offering classes and her feeling uncomfortable with lessons from some Spanish language speakers at church, I ended up letting her learn it on her own using the curriculum and online practice with friends she knew that speak the language. Not a bad idea, but certainly one that can be twisted to serve the purpose of 'convincing' mom of the need to go to public school. Many of the reasons were very invalid and it made me feel like all the years of investment in homeschooling could result in a grown child full of resentment instead of thankfulness. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, she was trying to convince me that it was a good idea, but in trying to muster up good reasons I ended up feeling very discouraged. Thankfully, Gregory on the other hand was having great successes at college and full of praises and thanksgiving both private and public, so there was enough balance to keep me going . . . for a while.

Christmas came and with the break from homeschooling came my annual opportunity to paint. It is a gift I give myself every year. I used to be a professional illustrator and portrait artist and put it all on hold to homeschool the kids. Normally, at the end of Christmas break I pack up my art supplies lovingly and close the drawrer until the next December holidays. This year though, I found I didn't want to pack it all up. I started looking at my paintings and worndering just how much further advanced I would be had I not put it all aside. I know it is something that I will get back to when the kids are grown, but I would have to start all over again from scratch to build up the business. I absolutely found it impossible to put the supplie saway and found I wanted very much to paint not homeschool plan.

As if all that was not enough, I started babysitting in December with 3am to 5:30 pm hours leading to physical exhaustion. The little fellow is really very sweet but much more 'flitty' than my kids. If that is a word. LOL. He won't stay with one activity for more than 5 minutes before wanting to do something else. It makes for quite a lot of mess, noise, and continual interruptions. I never realized before just how focused and quiet my kids were. They will stay with an activity for hours at a time. In addition to this, lots of illnesses came in to the household. Many from the little boy I babysit because he was picking them up from public school.

I was a mess. Homeschool continued, of course, but not with the ususal ever-present enthusiasm that mom used to have. It is amazing how much 'love for a thing' such as homeschooling really fuels and powers you up. When it is not there, the work still gets done but it feels unsatifying and draining.

Yes, I will admit it. For about two weeks there I secretly was working how I could bow out of homeschooling and put the kids into public school next year - all three of them, not just the one that wanted to. I never thought I would ever feel like quiting homeschooling. It is not only a totally worthwhile vocation, it had come to be very much tied to who I am as a person. Stop homeschooling! This burnout was deeper than I had ever felt before.

After all that has been said, I am happy to say that I have bounced back. I cannot point to any event or reason; Well maybe the fact that for three weeks I have been able to sleep all the way through the night while the little boy's father I babysit was off work. I guess I was 'three weeks worth of exhausted' because all of a sudden, this week,  the bounce and energy is back. I am gung ho for homeschooling again. I can't wait to get up and at it every day. I feel like my old self physically and emotionally. I definitely am NOT putting the younger two into public school. I am going to graduate Melody from our homeschool this spring, she is now 17, and let her do a senior year at the public school or go ahead on to be a freshman at college. Academically, she should do well at either. Should she select public school, I think it will have some plusses - and the negatives will serve to cure her of the 'grass is greener' syndrome. I don't feel vulnerable anymore to the whims of praise or fear of regret in my children when they are grown. I know in my own heart  I have done right by them.