OK, so yesterday I was so totally stressed by the time we got home.  It is strange it is like the thought of homeschooling is in the back of my mind with every move I make now.  So, as I am getting frustrated with the kids, fighting with myself, dropping things, about to fall over because I havent eaten at all and it is 6:15, I think how in the world am I going to do this.  The kids have already driven me crazy and I have only been with them an hour.

OK, so I sit down and say a prayer inside my head..not out loud and I begin to relax.  The girls sit at the table with a snack (I know, a snack at 6:15..what was I thinking?) and I compose myself.  It doesnt take long before I realize that YES, I can do it.  I realize that all of the stress, frustration and exhaustion came from the schedules of school and work.  We literally live our lives at this moment scheduled around school and work.  When shouldnt it be that school and work is scheduled around our lives?  Isn't quality time with our kids the most important thing we can give them?  It is not right by any means to say, I will give them time after all of these other things get done first.  I am so tired of this hectic, sheduled way of living and I can not wait to get started with our relaxed, child-directed, learning consistantly lifestyle. 

My kids deserve more of me than what I can give them after I have had a "rough day at the office".  I don't work for myself when I work outside of the home, why am I killing myself, stressing myself out and giving my kids less for someone else?  I truly realized that once we begin this wonderful new found freedom of homeschool and mommy working from home, we will be able to schedule school and work around our lives which is the way I believe it should be!!

Thank God, He allowed me to see that it wasn't me or the kids that was making me crazy it was the fact we are caught in a trap and on the worlds time clock.  That it is all the distractions around us making us lose our sanity.  Oh how I long for the day when we can liesurely get out of bed, do morning devotionals, spend some time with God and then the rest of the day together learning and teaching each other!  I know that my kids have so much to teach me.  I get a kick out of them each day over something they are thinking of or some new talent they have discovered they have!

It is awesome the power of time that God allows us, if we use it in the way He intended it to be used.  Spending time with our Heavenly Father and as keepers of our home, loving, teaching and learning from our children....how much better could life be?

Blessings till next time,

Misty

Blessings all!

Here we are with only a little over 3 wks left and I am getting excited.  Sure, I am nervous about where in the world I will have money coming from but excited right now is the overpowering feeling! 

I am feeling so free, so free to make my own choices and really be who I feel I am.  I thought for sometime that I didnt "know" who I was, when in reality I believe I knew deep down but I didn't know how to find ME!  In the short time that I have emotionally broken free from my suffocating/controlling marriage I have found so many things I am passionate about and learned so much about myself that I realize were there deep down the whole time.

One of those things being writing, I have always loved to write.  I have a way of expressing my feelings very well with words and sometimes the only way I can express them, is to write.  I have a long way to go as far as the qualifications and expertise of a "writer", for instance I am horrible at punctuation and English/Language Arts was not my strongest subject in school...but yet I always loved to write.  I don't think about the words as I write them, it just flows...I go back later and redo and fix all the errors after my feelings and thoughts have been penned.  I am excited that I have found a few opportunities for submitting articles/devotionals and at this point, it is just about having a personal goal to doing it.  I am not concerned whether or not they are used or anyone even sees them, but it is something within me that says "Go for it!" and I am determined to get my freelance writing career of to a start one day!

We are all excited that I will be living close to my parents again.  We now live 3 hours away and my girls and I miss them terribly.  I am happy that my girls will have a constant in their life, grandma and grandad.  All that they have been through and our next journey of being a single parent family has and will have it's toll on them.  It brings me so much peace to know that one thing that will never change is their grandparents love and support for them!  They are counting down the days until we move....they can't wait to go to Wendy's and get frosty's with Grandad (one of the small, but special things they do together). 

I am excited about the upcoming school year, that God is directing me to homeschool the girls.  I have found several homeschool organizations close by in Texas, that we can join and gain encouragment as well as be a part of homeschooling activites and field trips!  I have not menitoned it to my girls yet...why I dont know.  I guess fear if I dont feel I can do it this soon (financially), they will be dissapointed.  But, there is also this overwhelming feeling that if I let FEAR get the best of me in this decision I will feel it each day I drop them off at public school and will never have peace about them being there.  So, I might as well take the plunge...since I know God has called us to have this awesome opportunity, trusting that He will provide by whatever means necessary for us to make it!  Praise Him for that!

This is a pic of the girls at the park last year (boy have they grown) with their grandad and this is what they can't wait to do every wkend again!

Blessings till next time,

Misty

"For your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth

~Psalm 26:3~

Reality is hard to swallow sometimes, ok most of the time.  Last night, I spent the night in my girls bed.  I spend a lot of nights there, but not every night.  Miranda, my 4 yr old and my tough tomboy, has been crying a lot lately at the slightest thing.  She was very upset last night although obviously, at 4 she could not express very well why.  She begged me and held me so tight to please sleep in their bed last night.  So, without hesitation I said yes, mommy will be there.

My husband and I still live together, soon to be seperated in 3 wks, emotionally seperated for months.  Because of his addiction to drugs/alcohol, his physical and emotional abuse and his controling behavior I choose not to sleep in my own bed most of the time.  He has been sleeping on the couch off and on, some nights he is not even there. I feel safe in my children's bed, so that is another one of those crazy choices I have to make because of the reality I am in at this moment! 

But, last night was different.  I tossed and turned all night, every sound I heard startled me and I had this unsettled feeling about letting myself fall off into a deep sleep.  Miranda was waking up every hour or so just crying, as if she was having a bad dream (which we pray against every single night since she started having them) I would immediately wake up, and begin to comfort her holding her and telling her mommy was here...she would quiet down quickly and then we would repeat the same thing in an hour or so.  Then, my 7 yr old Kayleah....she began to wake up as well, she would wake up screaming Mommy, where are you?  Then as soon as I would tell her I am here, she would lay down and fall back to sleep.  It was one of those restless nights where if I felt myself falling asleep I would wake up immediately and right in the middle of talking with God.  Every moment I can conciously remember last night, I was talking to God.  I believe that it is because even in my unconcious mind, I have realized the extreme importance of praying for God's guidance and protection over my children and strength for myself.

Don't get me wrong, I pray and pray constantly for myself and my kids but it has just recently hit me like a ton of bricks how imperative it is that I keep my children lifted up before God and stay prayed up for myself and God's will for our next step.  It is the reality that has hit me, that it is just Me, the girls and The Lord!  That, if I don't learn to rely on Him fully to answer my questions, my concerns and comfort my doubts than we won't make it too far, successfully anyway!   I desire more now than ever before in my life for God's will and voice to be the only thing that guides me.  I do not wish for anything else in life than to be who God has created me to be, as a mother, a women and a child of His own and how can I do that if I don't stay in constant communication with Him?

My children have seen and heard too much for their little minds to comprehend.  I pray desperately that God will give me the courage, tools and strength to help remove the memories that need to be removed and turn the ones that will remain into something to only make them stronger and use for His glory!  I have two little girls along side me, watching my every move.  Watching how I treat their dad, even though they know we don't get along.  Watching how I treat others especially during this time of extreme stress, sadness and grief.  Simply looking to "me" their mommy for guidance, reassurance and stability.  I have to accept the reality that this is MY responsiblity and because their father has chosen another path, I have to do it alone.  Also knowing that truly I am not alone because I do have God to put my complete trust in, but reality is that will not do me any good if I don't give it up and give it to Him. 

I have been a Christian for over 4 yrs now.  Though, I would have said many years ago I was saved as a lot younger.  I did not feel the change, the true conviction of my choices of the flesh and sin until 4 yrs ago.  It wasnt until then that I even turned toward God and focused on putting Him first in my life.  I have prayed many prayers, done many studies, gone to many churches but it has taken the real, true life, every day struggles that I have faced for me to "get it".  Recently I often find myself telling my parents, I don't know what is different this time than before....I just know it is different, in regards to realizing the damaging marriage I was in.  God has done something in me, He has allowed me see the ME that He created.  I have seen a glimpse of myself the way He sees me and let me tell you, it is very humbling.  Feelings that I feel today, words that come out of my mouth and thoughts that I think, I did not feel, say or think just months ago. 

Then, I felt like a helpless, wounded bird.  Who made a wrong turn and was caught up in a locked cage, trying so very hard to find and fight it's way out.  Knowing it did not belong there...that is was not supposed to be this way.  Knowing that the King of all Kings gave it wings to fly far above what it had seen or dreamed of thus far but unable to because of the bondage of it's own choices and those of others.  Now, by the perfect sacrifice of my Lord and Savior, the blood He shed, the freedom He gave me before He created me, I now know and has become reality.  God has broken the chains and opened the locked cage, but now just like the wounded bird who has not been free for so long, taking that first jump to fly again is scary.  There is fear, there is anticipation, there is excitment....all of these emotions given to us by God for this exact moment in time.  For His flawless plan of letting go of our own wills and giving it to Him and trusting in Him not to not let us fall.   

It is the reality of this that truly changes a person inside.  It is the reality of knowing that without God and his endless supply of strength, love and grace we can not give our children what they truly need.  It is the reality of this that has pushed me into knowing deep within my spirit that God created me to be a keeper of the home, to be a loving example and mother to my children and to minister to them as only He can through me, an open vessel waiting to be filled with what He desires for me. 

Thank you today Father for the reality that you ARE God and without you I should just stop and give up now.  Knowing that if I turn my will over to you, ask and follow your daily guidance for my life and that of my children, I will not fail.  Thank you that you are so loving and merciful that you see the me you created, even through my own sinful decisions and that you bless me completely!

Blessings till next time,

Misty

Dealing with the truth of what my life has become, the responsibility I have to take for my part in it and the consequences of those poor decisions is ugly and it hurts.  The joy of waking up to a new day, knowing the Lord will give me enough grace to make it through, above and beyond what I can do for myself is comforting.  It has been tough these last few wks, I am going through the motions of relocating to another state, getting out of an abusive marriage, trying to start a home business, making the right decisions for my children and it is draining!  Trying not to go to that horrible place of denial, trying to stay just enough on the "reality" side to keep going with the real life decisions I have to make and yet not drown in hurt and sadness.

Strangely, I feel blessed in a way because I have grieved my marriage being over for some time, so I guess it could be harder.  Although physically living together, I have been emotionally seperated for a while...but, it is still tough.  It is tough to feel all the anger, hurt, resentment and pain that comes with knowing I did all I could do and someone else just wont step up to the plate and do what is necessary to make our family work.  I have cried so many tears and I am ready for those tears to be over.  Unfortunately I don't think they are.  I am sure it will be different tears, as we go through the process of making it permanant, of ending our marriage, of legally becoming a single mom...something I have felt like for a while now and something I never wanted or thought I would be. 

On the other hand I feel so much peace, excitment and joy inside.  God has been blessing the girls and I, we have a place to live and it was only made possible by His awesome provision for us.  Now, I just have to trust Him for the rest...but even that on days like today is tough.  I feel weapy, yet I can not wait to get out of here and get to "freedom".  I feel like if I can just make it these last few wks I will be greatly rewarded by my Father in Heaven!  I feel such peace about our marriage ending. God wants so much more for my life and the lives of my children than the abuse we have all suffered. 

I plan on going more into that as time goes on, as I heal and get to the other side of this experience with God's grace.  I am consistantly looking for stories, encouragement on other single moms that homeschool.  Trying to get my hands on anything to remind me, this is what I am supposed to do.  This is my desire, my dream, my calling.  It is just something that I can feel, it is who I am and who my kids are. Although I know there will be stuggles, it will be a tough road I know I can do it.  It is just this "knowing" within myself that I am supposed to be at home with my children, watching them grow and learn at their own pace.  I can not explain it to those that suggest I wait until I am financially ready, financially stable and have a certain income coming in.  I can not explain the urgency I have to having my kids at home and not spending one more moment dealing with the changes and heartache that public school brings.  I can not explain it and yet I myself am struggling with the logical fact that they are right and then back to what my heart says.  I am wondering what I will do to make ends meet, I am moving directly into my own place which in one hand is awesome but in the other means immediate bills, responsibilities that I can not ignore.  I wont have time to sit and play for a while, figure things out and wait for a moment.  The day I move in the clock starts ticking on making money to pay the bills for the next month.....God, you are the only one that knows the answer and I am waiting to hear from you!!

Part of me can't believe that I am sharing such personal feelings and details online for anyone to read, then another part says that is what this is all about.  If I do not take what God has taught me, brought me through and given me with His grace and mercy and share it with others, then what am I here for?  If don't open up and be vulnerable so that someone else may see and relate to my life, gain encouragement or just a feeling of relief that they are not alone in their trials then I am denying what all of this is about. 

God has recently given me a true burden for helping others in circumstances that seem impossible.  I have spent so many years in my own mess, my own vicious cycle of self pity, pride and selfishness over my own situation that God is saying it is time to get out.  I feel so compeled and motiviated to heal, to learn and to break free of these patterns I have taught myself and my children are learning that it wont be long, before I am able to truly minister to others from the other side of this storm.

Praying for wisdom, guidance and peace of mind today from our all loving, all knowing gracious Father above!

Misty

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24

This will probably be the longest of posts as this is my introduction, please bear with me:

I have always known I wanted to homeschool my children, even before they were born.  I never knew of course, the challenges that lie ahead.  I was at home with my children, fully expecting and preparing to homeschool until my oldest daughter was 5 and my youngest was 2.  That summer my husband had some unexpected health issues and I was forced into the workplace.  I did what I had to do, taking care of all of them and grudgingly putting my 5 yr old into Kindergarten.  I thought, this would be temporary and as soon as I could come home again I would take her out and being homeschooling. 

Well, little did I know that with other personal issues beginning to rear their ugly head in our marriage, we would go through a seperation, then try our marriage once again.  Working full time and then having to put not just my first but my second daughter in public school I was truly beginning to feel like I was suffocating.  My soul literally ached to have my girls at home because of the things they were being exposed to in school, the things they were being taught by their teachers contrary to what I am teaching them at home. 

At this point, I have no choice but to work...my husband has been labled disabled from his doctors, but can not seem to be awarded disability payments, so I am the only one supporting the family financially and I didn't see when I would be able to quit.  How did I get here?  How did I end up doing the exact opposite of what my deepest desire has always been?  Why am I forced to look into my 4 yr olds eyes and tell her "Mommy can't come to your party baby, I have to work!"  Then watch as the huge tears begin to form and fall down her cheek while she hugs my neck as if she will never see me again.  I begin to cry out to God to help me find a way, help me see the open door and give me the courage to walk through it and step into the reality of my dream, my desire, my calling!!

I am seeing my now 7 yr old begin to change, she has become withdrawn and so sensitive to how others treat her.  She comes home with upseting news almost daily, the teachers act as if they know what is best for my child, better than I do and I can see that we will have major problems if this public school thing has to continue much longer.  Through much prayer I have been led to a couple of wonderful home business's and the most amazing, mentor, sponsor and friend anyone could ask for.  This is it, I must find myself and what will allow me to succeed at working at home.  It feels good, it feels right...I feel peace knowing that this is the first of many steps to reaching the desire God has placed in my heart.  It is tough, trying to start a business and find my "niche" while also working outside of the home full time.  I am having to make some hard choices when it comes to time management after work.  I must spend some time building this business, working online and making contacts.  But, I am also having to spend less time with my girls after work/school in order to do this.  I just keep telling myself....just a little bit longer and it will pay off.  Just hold on and stay strong, ask God to show you how and this time soon shall pass. 

My husband and I are seperating once again, with intentions of it being final.  My girls and I are moving back to Texas, where I was born and raised and where my family, my support system is.  I began to feel as if this truly may work, me working from home, being able to homeschool but I thought surely I will have to wait until the year after next.  I will have to wait until I am financially stable enough to provide for my myself and my girls.  I will have to have the money to buy textbooks, workbooks, etc. and make sure I have every thing in it's place.  I will have to have a certain amount of time alloted for each child and the different subjects they "have" to learn, etc.  I had even talked it over with my mom, who homeschool my brother 9-12 grades and she agreed and supports my desire 100%.  I began to feel a little breathing room, but I still felt another whole year...that is a long time in the life of my little ones.  Another year to deal with the contradictions, the bad attitudes of the other classmates and teachers, the controlling of the school system and my children telling me in such a pure and innocent way "Mommy, I dont want to go back to that school!"  Notice, I didnt say "school" in general.  My children have have such a fire for learning, they would rather write, draw and do math problems than watch cartoons.  I thank God for the desire for learning and curiousity He has placed in my children.

So, I continue my research on homeschooling.  I am a perfectionist, a planner, a list maker.  I have everything organized in folders in my favorites in IE and my homeschool folder is 10 miles long.  I read up on the laws in Texas and try and find out exactly what I need to do so when it is time, I am on it.  Papers filled out, signed, copied...whatever needs to be done! Then, while researching, gathering resources, getting excited yet still saying to myself and praying to God, I wish there was a way I could homeschool NOW I am introduced to a whole new concept, new to me anyway "Unschooling!"

Remember that wonderful mentor I mentioned earlier, she was the one who casually sent a link on unschooling my way. Thinking it was another homeschool link, I looked at it and realized there was something different here.  There was something very freeing about what I was reading, something about this really set very well within me and gave me a feeing of peace.  I had never heard of the term "Unschooling" nor had I heard of homeschooling without having to use a set curriculum, a set standard of rules, a set time allotted for doing "school work".  I mean, I was all for that but I couldnt figure out how I would go about doing that and starting up a home business.  Then, it was like the scales were removed from my eyes...what I had been praying for, hoping for and looking for was right there in front of me.  What freedom we can gain and share with our children from using life, our daily living patterns, our daily activities as lifes natrual curriculum.  I literally began feeling a sense of accompishment somehow just by reading about this philosyphy.  Like, I can do this and I don't have to wait until 2007 to do it.  I began thinking about all of the ways I already teach my children by them helping me with things I do around the house, explaining why clouds are different shapes (ok, so I dont know the "scientific" answer exaclty), why do the leaves turn green in the spring and brown in the fall.  I already teach my children nature's lessons, life lessons, practical lessons in just the little time we have together.  What more could I teach them, help them open up their little minds to the whole world, thier entire surroundings not being couped up in a school building 7 hours a day.  It had to be one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had, and we have not even begun.

Here in Louisiana (where we currently live) my girls have 3 wks of school left.  Because of my need at this time to finish out my responsibilities on my current job and save as much money as I can to move, my girls will finish their school year in public school.  We plan to move the last wk in May and I have no intent on my children seeing the inside of a public school classroom (as a student of that class) again.  

So, we begin our Journey to Unschooling.  We have a lot to do, a lot of decisions, a lot of prayer.  I plan on keeping this blog to encourage others, provide resources I have found, make new friends and also to remind me what all we pushed through and accomplished with the guidance of the one true God that is the only source of peace and strength for us.  

Many Blessings on your own life's Journey!

Misty