I wrote this when very exhausted and brain-fried, so I apologize if it is disjointed (to the two or maybe three of you who might actually read this!).  It has been neat to see the Lord at work in our hearts, and I wanted to share a bit.

For the past twelve years, I have had a very difficult relationship with some people.  I have struggled with being a "people-pleaser" and have cared too much what others think of me.  In this particular relationship, many hurtful things have been said to me.  To my husband.  And I have "risen to our defense," and in the end have spoken disrespectfully to these people.  I allowed their views of me to hurt much more than it should have.  I KNEW that the things they were saying were simply not true, not accurate, not right or honorable.  However, what I failed to do was to be able to ignore it.  To be able to forgive them for it all without hearing them accept full responsiblity for their wrongdoing.  Over the years, I apologized for many things I had said or done wrong in the relationship.  I did hear one very genuine apology from these people, and it meant a great deal.  But that was it.  Just one.  (And believe me, there were more opportunities for apology than that one instance.)

About a year ago, I felt led, after months with no contact, to get in touch with these people again.  I could sense the Holy Spirit guiding me to work to establish just some friendly correspondence.  So, while I didn't necessarily "feel like it," I followed the Lord's guidance and contacted them.  This began a period of friendly e-mails.  Nothing of much depth, but a bit of chit-chat from time to time.  Every once in awhile, something just below the "surface-y" stuff, but not too deep.  I knew back then, that I needed to apologize for my speaking disrespectfully to them, regardless of whether they every accepted and owned up to their faults in our troubles.  That was not my issue - that is between them and the Lord!  So...I have been praying about that.  That the Lord would show me when and how to approach them and that I could truly just trust HIM for allowing me to forgive and not expect them to apologize for the deep hurts that they have caused.

Jump to present-day.  Our pastor has been speaking in the past few weeks about working for peace in our relationships.  I knew that the Lord was speaking to my heart about making this right w/ these people.  One Sunday, the pastor's call to action was something to this effect:  "What will you to TODAY to work toward building peace in your relationships?"  Instantly, I knew.  It was time to apologize.  I prayed all day that the Lord would orchestrate the opportunity and make it clear to me, and then give me the courage to do what I needed to do.  He did.  I was able to apologize.  I did it without making any excuses for my behavior.  I apologized specifically for what I had done wrong.  It was ONLY BY HIS GRACE that I was able to do it, and I'm so glad that He worked that out!

In response, I saw looks of surprise, and then heard what I have heard before.  An "apology" that was not genuine and did not bear full responsibility for actions.  "I'm sorry for any things that were said that maybe you took the wrong way."  Hmmm...still finding a way to place the blame on me.  Not accepting responsibility or genuinely being sorry for what was done.  But you know what?  That's okay.  I know now, because of God's grace, that I can walk away from that.  I am at peace in my heart with the Lord because as far as I know, I have apologized for all of the wrong that I have done in this relationship.  I have accepted responsibility for my actions and behavior.  I have asked the Lord to reveal to me if I'm missing something, and so far He has made clear to me that all I can do has been done.  And the rest is up to Him!  I can be at peace in my heart and know that whatever happens with the other people...it's between them and the Lord.  I even genuinely feel sad for them at times now, because they are the ones missing out on the depth of relationship that comes from being open and honest, from true reconciliation and healing, moving forward in the grace of Christ!

After the conversation, my husband and I realized that this was the neatest part - to see that there were many points during our talk that if it had been a few years ago, we would have responded to quite a few things they said, trying to set them straight.  Trying to get them to understand it in light of the Truth.  Now...we realize that they might never "get it," and it's not worth the added stress of trying to show it to them.  It's not our job.  Still more hurtful things were said, things that were done in the past were defended, etc.  It could have been very frustrating!  But this time, as evidence of God's grace in our hearts, we just did the "smile and nod" and moved on.  Now, I truly care far more what God thinks of me, not what anyone else thinks!  I am humbled by His grace in this situation.  God is good, and we are grateful!!!  Clearly, He was once again working for our good and for His glory!