I can't say that I've ever heard that "phrase" before, thought it, or said it.  However, today, I believe the Lord had it flow freely out of my mouth in the middle of a conversation.  And I just stopped.  And thought about it.  Yes, Lord.  That's what I LONG to be doing on a constant, daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Groaning for grace.

See, I spent some time with the Lord today, asking Him to reveal to me what is at the root of the struggle that is currently the most difficult for me.  As I spent time talking with Him and reading His Word, He answered me in some very specific ways!  I am always so very humbled by that.  That the God of the entire universe would care enough for me to speak to me in detail.  To touch my heart in very personal ways.  It truly is incredible.

What I learned, while no shock to me, was this:  I struggle with unbelief.  (Hmmm...have you heard this before?)  I'll clarify again, for those who might argue with me, that this is not unbelief in Christ...no issue of salvation in question here.  Jesus has already paid my ransom!!!  But...this is an unbelief that sneaks in without my realizing it.  It comes out in so many little ways.  However, when I look at it through the microscope of the Truth of God's Word, it is UGLY!  And not so small. 

"What does it look like?" you ask.  Like this.  Whether out loud or silently in my heart, I whine when I don't get "my way."  I think others should care about me.  I think my children should obey me.  I think that I should "feel" a certain way in my day-to-day life.  The issue is idolatry.  The idols are "self," and (I think) some "idea of what my life should look like."  Because when I don't like how I am treated, I get more upset than I should.  When my days seem to "fall apart," I'm not trusting (read, unbelief) that God was sovereign in all of those circumstances.  I just think of how I didn't like how the day went or how it made me feel! Ugh...yuck.  It's not pretty, is it?  I see many circumstances as "hindrances" to the peaceful life that should be mine.  What???  Should be mine?  Why?  Did anyone tell me that my life should be peaceful?  Well...yes, and yes.  The world tells me that my life should have a certain kind of "peace."  This, I would say, is where I can find myself believing a lie.  That my days should be filled with natural, "easy" smiles, no struggles, serenity...like being at a spa for my entire life.  ???  What?   

Then I look again into the microscope, and I see Who else says I should have peace.  REAL peace.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  (John 14:27)  Yes.  That's it.  I AM supposed to have peace!  Why?  How?  Because Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, gives it to me!  Is it the "peace" that the world tries to offer or says we should seek?  No!  It is a peace that we cannot grasp.  Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again; Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:4-7)  The peace of God, which transcends all understanding.  It is beyond comprehension.  THAT is the kind of peace that I long for!  When I am experiencing that peace, it is incredible!  Then the struggles ensue, and I get distracted...lose focus.  And I forget to rejoice in the Lord always, leaving everything that concerns me at His feet, and I get aggravated easily.  Life is not peaceful.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.  You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!  For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!  Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.  (Peace!)  (Romans 5:1-11)

Whoa.  So let's see if I get this right.  When I was STILL A SINNER Christ died for me?  HE reconciled me to God!  Past tense.  I have been reconciled to God.  Because of Christ's work on the cross - his death and resurrection.  Do I believe that?  Yes!!!  Do I REALLY believe that?  As in, do I believe it in such a way that it infiltrates each moment of my day?  Apparently not.  Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!  How I need Him to work this so deeply into my heart that I am constantly mindful of my utter dependence on Him.  For EVERYTHING.  That brings to mind a Steven Curtis Chapman song that on of my kids likes to sing a lot.  Some lyrics from it are "Jesus is life....the air I'm breathin', why my heart is beatin', everything I'm needin', Jesus is life!"  SO true!  It reminds me of a quote I've posted before from our pastor in the UK.  He was talking about how "bad" life can get (This was before he was diagnosed with brain cancer, but I'm sure he'd still say the same thing!!!), and he said that no matter what in the world could happen - we could imagine the "worst case scenario," and we can still say, "So what???  Jesus is risen!!!!"  He is right.  That Truth alone ought to change us so radically that we live with a view of eternity, rather than staying so focused on the meaningless things of this world.  What else REALLY matters???

I asked the Lord earlier, and have been asking Him ever since (and hope to make this a continual plea from deep in my heart to the merciful and gracious heart of my Heavenly Father)..."Please work these Truths so deeply into my heart that I can't escape them!  That I would not be such a fool as to think that I can make it for one single moment on my own!  That I would fall to my knees, on my face, each and every day, groaning for grace to make it for just another minute.  An hour.  A day.  Lord, that You would work in my heart and life to bring good to the people with whom I come into contact for the ultimate purpose of bringing glory to Your matchless Name!!!"

The only true peace in life is the peace that comes from God.  Peace with God comes only through believing (this faith is also a gift of God, see Eph. 2) in His Son, Jesus Christ...that He died to pay our ransom, taking the penalty for our sins on the cross, and then was raised to life and is now seated at the right hand of God!  More lyrics...the Gaithers, "Because He lives I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives all fear is gone!  Because I know He holds the future and life is worth the living just becaue He lives!"  How true!  That's the ONLY reason life is worth living!  Father, please help me to think on that each day!

If you asked me, I would never say that I could "make it on my own."  I don't think I'm self-sufficient.  Yet, deep down, there is some part of my that obviously thinks I can make it on my own to an extent.  Because I think "I'm doin' okay."  Hmmm...or not so much.  I must remember that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me!  And I am in need of His grace to make it through each day.  And not only do I need that grace, but so do my husband and my children.  My friends and family members, our postman, pest control technician, bank teller, grocery store clerk, etc.  We ALL need grace!  And I'm asking the Lord to keep me ever aware of my need for it, and that He might work in my heart to extend it more freely to others. 

As I sought the Lord today for help in my struggle, He revealed two verse to me, and they were in this order (as I just "randomly" looked in my Bible at the first page it fell open to):  a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.  (2 Peter 2:19b)  the Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials... (2 Peter 2:9a)  He confirmed that it was a serious thing that I am struggling with, and I ought not take it lightly.  But...He also confirmed that no problem is too big for Him!  That He can free me from this struggle, just as He's freed me from many in the past!  (In case you wonder if I'm being prideful here, I'm not.  I believe that last verse applies to me because when I believed in Jesus, I was given the righteousness of Christ.  Therefore, because when God looks at me He sees His Son's blood paying for my sins, He considers me righteous.  Not because I think that I am "godly" in and of myself.  No, may it never be!)  Thank You for that, Lord!  That You are so far beyond what I can comprehend!  My most difficult challenges are no problem to You! 

So, Father, precious Jesus, please continue to mold me and shape me.  Break the hard areas in my heart, I pray.  Pride, insecurity, selfishness, anger, impatience...please enable me, by Your grace, to set those sins aside and trust in You!  May I rejoice in my struggles, as I know that You are at work.  And I know that if I rejoice in You, trust in You, hope in You, I will have Your peace - no matter the circumstances of my day to day life!  May I delight in Your sovereignty and Your grace, knowing that You have ordained every single day of my life since before time began!  And Your plan is perfect - no scenario I could ever dream up in my mind could compare with the perfect will of the Lord!  May I be free from believing the lies of the world, especially those that tell me that "peace" only comes when circumstances feel fun or easy or pleasant.  May I remember what You tell me in Your Word:  ...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:  "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."  Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.  (Hebrews 12:1b-7a)  My Abba (Daddy) Father loves me enough to bring things into my life to teach me the things that He knows I need to learn.  And because He created me, He knows how I need to learn them!  I can trust Him!!!

Father, I am  groaning for grace.  May I groan for grace each and every day.  All day.  May I be so focused on You that my burdens seem light!  That I am glad to endure whatever You choose to put on my path, because I know that nothing comes into my life that hasn't passed through Your mighty right hand!  May I be a source of encouragement, mercy and grace to those around me.   Especially my family.  May I remember that I cannot make it on my own, no matter how "easy" a day I'm having!  I need to fully rely on You.  Thank You for Your love.  For Your grace.  For YOUR peace.  Surely, it does pass ALL understanding!  For who is like the Lord???  You are the Lord, and there is NO other!  All praise and honor and glory to Christ!

I'm groaning...for grace.