It's another new day, and His mercies are new!  Praise God for that!

This morning, the Lord reminded me of a passage I'd forgotten in the recent past.  Eph. 5:19-20, "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.  Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Did you get that?  ALWAYS giving thanks to God FOR EVERYTHING!!!  I have really missed the boat on that lately.  So, this morning, after God graciously opened my eyes, I thanked him for my husband being gone and I thanked Him for morning sickness.  It's been easy to thank Him for the pregnancy, but it usually comes with a..."but can I please just start feeling better?"  I never truly give thanks for the sickness itself.  Today, I did.  Because He told me to.  Sometimes I forget that it's not about how I feel, it's about making a choice.  Thank You, Lord, for speaking to my heart on this issue today!

The top task on my list of making my home cared for was easy to come by, and after today's Scripture, it also requires a prayer from my heart.  It's hard for me.  Lord, thank You that the kids have such bad allergies that this extra work is required of me to CARE FOR their rooms and, therefore, their health.  Okay...my list for today, then:

1.  Spend time with the Lord, which I've already done, obviously.

2.  De-allergen the kids' rooms, change their bedding.

3.  Clean glass door panels.

4.  Continue tidy and clean missions from last two days (there's still lots to be done here!).

5.  If time and energy allow, touch-up paint spots where needed throughout home.

It was nice to see that I tackled something that would have been on this list yesterday.  Polishing all of our cabinets is something I've never done in other homes, but in this one I am trying to be better about caring for them.  While I never see a noticeable difference, my husband has noticed instantly every time, when he walked in the door!  I know it blesses him that I do it, even though I don't see the reults.  I know it's good for them.

Dinner tonight?  I'm not 100% certain of that yet.  We may have to run a couple of errands out, and if that's the case we might have to grab something.  If we're home, it will likely be sandwiches of some sort, maybe salad.

Lord, thank You again for Your grace.  Please enable me to be the woman, the wife, the mother that You want me to be today.  Thank You for this beautiful home that You've given us.  And thank You for caring about me enough to direct my steps as I care for it today.  To God be the glory!

I have been in tears much of the evening.  I am humbled to consider what so many have endured and sacrificed for my freedom.  I know that it can sound cliche, but it is true:  FREEDOM IS NEVER FREE.  We are so blessed to be citizens of the United States of America.  When I was young, I don't think I really gave much thought to a day like today.  I don't even know if I was certain what a veteran was.  How proud I was of my two young children today, as they told me what a veteran was, and called their great-grandpa (who served and was a POW in WWII) to say Happy Veteran's Day and to tell him thank you for serving our country.  I imagine it was a blessing to him, as well.

That said, how I wish I could have heard them tell their own father that.  But duty calls, and he is currently away.  We talked about him today, and we sent things with him when he left to open on 11/11.  So he knows we're very proud of him.  I am honored to be married to a veteran.  I am grateful beyond words for the sacrifices that he continues to make for our country and our family.  He knows that the Lord has called him to this work, and so no matter how difficult it is, he continues to serve honorably, with integrity, and when he has to...leave his family and his beloved homeland behind to help defend our freedom and the freedom of others around this great globe.

Honey, if you happen to read this, words truly cannot begin to express how proud I am of you.  I thank God for your courage and commitment.  Scripture says that Jesus did not come to BE served, but TO serve.  And I know that He has given you a servant's heart.  Thank you for serving our Savior, our family, and our great nation.  You sacrifice so much, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to go away like you do.  To say that I'm thankful for God's protection of your very life would be to put it far too mildly.  I am so humbled that He chooses to bring you home safely to us.  I trust He will do the same again at the end of this trip.  For now, until I can tell you in person, please hear from the bottom of my heart:  THANK YOU.  What you do is not done in vain.  Your wife and children are proud of you and your nation owes you a debt of gratitude.  You are my hero.  Happy Veteran's Day, Sweetheart.  I love you.

Well, it's day 2.  Let's hope I can get more accomplished today than yesterday.  I know that the tidy theme will run throughout my entire week.  So...I'll still work to make progress on each area I mentioned yesterday, until each one is finished.  And my hopes for today are:

1.  Spend time w/ the Lord; ask Him to guide me in the things I seek to accomplish today.

2.  Clean both bathrooms.

3.  Dust and vacuum.

4.  Wipe down kitchen and bathroom cabinets.

5.  Light candles and open windows to freshen up.

6.  Keep that Christmas music playing!

7.  Wash remaining dishes and re-wipe counters.

As for dinner?  Leftovers from last night's spaghetti meal.  Here's to another good day of working at making our home a haven for all of us!  Lord, may it be a blessing to my family, and bring glory to You! 

John 15:5 - "I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."  May we abide in You and bear much fruit today, Lord Jesus!

This week I'm joining some others in an effort to make our homes into havens for our families.  I struggle greatly in this area, so while I had already planned to make myself focus on this area this week, I was glad to read that Monica was doing a group focus on it here:  http://thehomespunheart.blogspot.com/

Today's focus is on being tidy.  Monica said it well when she talked about not being able to really clean if there is too much clutter around.  Not to mention it is hard to focus!  This is an issue that I struggle with so much.  I tear myself down, beat myself up, make myself frustrated and end up just giving up.  I feel like a constant failure.  Monica reminded me of something very important today.  I shouldn't even begin something like this without giving it up to the Lord, asking Him to guide me and enable me to do what HE wants me to do in my home, for our family, for HIM.  So...with that in mind, I'm asking the Lord to help me get some things that are out of control back on track this week.

My plans for today are (not necessarily in chronological order):

1.  Spend some time with the Lord

2.  Sift through the paper clutter in the kitchen and dining room.

3.  Catch up on laundry.

4.  Put away some of the piles in my bedroom - just some progress would be good here!

5.  Do the de-allergen treatments on the kids' rooms and change their bedding.

6.  Keep uplifting music playing throughout the day to keep me a bit lighter on my feet.

7.  Ask God to reveal to me any clutter that should truly be sent to the trash, to someone else, or to a yard sale.

8.  Put away the piles in my closet.

9.  Make some headway in the school room.

I know I will not likely get through all of this, but I have already gotten a good start.  I am asking the Lord to give me energy and keep the nausea at bay.  Still not quite 11 weeks along in this pregnancy, the last few weeks have been quite challenging.  Thankfully, the joy of the Lord is my strength, and His power is made perfect in my weakness!  Please help me, Lord.  To do this to take stress off of myself, to bless my family, and most of all...to bring glory to Your Name!

...for freedom from the pain of another migraine.

...for two healthy, kind, fun-loving, wise children who love the Lord.

...for the privilege of carrying another child, no matter how difficult it is at times.

...for my incredible husband, who is constantly serving and sacrificing so much for so many.

...for God's sovereignty over ALL THINGS.

...for friends who care deeply about my family and me.

...for the energy to clean my kitchen today.

...for the feeling that comes over me as I look at that sparkling clean, sweet-smelling kitchen.

...for blueberry muffin candles.

...for sunshine and warmth.

...for Christmas music and the joy it brings into our home.

...for the great gift of salvation given to us by the Son of Man, who came not to be served, but to serve, and give his life as a ransom for many!

...for freedom, which is NEVER free.

...for God's grace, without which I could not make it through another minute, let alone another day.

I was watching Shadowlands last night, a movie about C.S. Lewis and his wife, Joy.  At one point in the film, he receives some encouraging news about the status of her cancer treatments.  His friend tells him that God has finally answered his (Lewis') prayers.  He tells Harry that's not why he prays.  What struck me, as it so often has when I've seen this movie, is what he says next:

"I pray because I can't help myself.  I pray because I'm helpless.  I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping.  It doesn't change God, it changes me."

How true.  We do not change God or His plans.  He is Sovereign.  But He graciously and mercifully uses our time with Him to change us.  I am helpless, He is omnipotent.  May we pray continually, giving thanks in all circumstances, rejoice in Him, and know that He will accomplish His purposes and change our hearts in the process.   By His Grace, For His Glory!!!

I read a really neat post tonight on Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience.  You can find it here:

http://aholyexperience.com/2008/09/making-of-heroes.html

I have been blessed numerous times by Ann's words.  She is gifted, humble, teachable, and loves the Lord.  Though I have never met her, and likely won't until Heaven, I have learned much from her.  Her words in this post resonated with me today, especially, as I am not always very good at making these kind of sacrifices...the little things that no one sees.  Except it's not no one.  God sees.  He sees it all.

I have been pondering Psalm 139.  (I actually began doing that before I found out I was pregnant, and then it took on another relevancy to me at present.)  It's so very, very hard to grasp.  The Sovereign God of the universe, the very one who put the stars in place, KNOWS me.  Created me.  Ordained every single day of my life before even one of them came to be!  He knows every word before I speak it, knows my deepest thoughts.  Incredibly difficult to fathom, isn't it?!?!

Yes, this precious, priceless, gracious and merciful, wonderful Savior, Jesus.  He sees when I follow His prompting in the little things.  He also sees the many times I don't do it.  The all-too-frequent times that I choose self.  But in His grace, He continues to speak to me, call to me, guide and direct me, challenge me....  And as I tell my children and long for them to understand this concept, I am blessed to experience, by His grace, that He enables me to do those things that no one but HE will ever see.  There will be no recognition.  No pat on the back to say, "Well done."  No praise for me.  All is as it should be.  I get NO glory.  HE gets it ALL!  When He gives me the self-control to make the right choice, to die to self, to lay aside pride, to choose to serve rather than be served...He and I both know He gets much glory from that!!!  For apart from Him, it would never happen.  And there is peace in my heart.

Our pastor often says that we want to make much of Christ.  Oh, how I long to do that in my daily life!  Make much of Christ!!!  Father, by Your grace, may our home be a place where we daily make much of YOU!  May our lives be lived out so that others see You in us!  It's all that really matters...that You get glory, Lord!  Thank You for enabling me to choose to do the little things tonight; things that only You and I know.  I love You.

Do you have it?  Regularly?  Are you at peace most days, deep in your heart?

Sadly, I must say, I have all too often been distracted, stressed, uptight, etc.  Why?  As with pretty much all of my struggles, it always boils down to this:  Lack. Of. Faith.  Is anyone with me here?  Am I alone in this?  No, I didn't think so.

God has been ever so gracious to work in my heart in the area of contentment this week.  It overwhelms me to think that still, no matter how long I struggle, no matter how many times I stray, thinking that I can "manage on my own" (Not that I really believe that, but I sure act sometimes as though I do!)...He is there.  He picks me up off the floor, dusts me off, wipes my tears, reminds me of His great love for me, heals hurts, whispers words of encouragement, and then guides my steps forward.  This Sovereign Lord, this Author and Perfecter of my faith...He gently reveals my sin, shines His light of Truth to remedy it, and covers me in His grace.  Grants forgiveness, once again, and enables me to walk.

This week He has especially used a few select verses and some wisdom that He bestowed on Linda Dillow, found in her book, Calm My Anxious Heart.  Many of us are familiar with Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  But how often do we read that in context?  I have been working on memorizing verses 11-13 the last few days.  Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  I don't know about you, but I am so glad that Paul writes here that he HAS LEARNED to be content in whatever circumstances...  This gives me hope!  If the Lord can work that in Paul, He surely can work it in my heart, as well!  He can show me how, with HIS strength, I can be content.  Praise God for that!

1 Timothy 6:15 says of the Lord, "He who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords..."  One translation puts it this way:  God...is the blessed controller of all things, the king over all kings and the master of all masters.  Psalm 16:5 says, "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure."  Wow.  What am I thinking to ever be in a state of discontent?  The ONLY Sovereign, One I know to love me, my Creator, is the same One who has assigned me my portion?  My portion in life, this year, this month, this week, today, this minute.  My blessed Redeemer, Jesus, who gave His life as a ransom for a debt that I owed...God, in His infinite wisdom, has a perfect plan for my life.  Nothing is out of His hands!  And oh, how I know that I can trust Him!!!

I have been blessed beyond measure in my life.  Seriously, some people would probably do anything to trade places with me.  And yet, in my sinful, selfish way...I can always seem to find something to whine about.  Or at least that's been how I've acted in the past.  By God's grace, I do NOT want to do this anymore!  My God, the One who gave His only Son for me when I was still lost in darkness and sin, can change me and enable me to rest in His perfect will for my life!  We've been talking about it together all week long.  And wow, what a week.  Not that I have not struggled, because I have.  However, I have seen Him reveal to me quickly when I am beginning to sin, and He has given me the courage to quickly confess it to my husband or children, ask for their forgiveness, and move on.  He has given me peace and joy as I have lived this week trusting Him for strength for each moment!

We have talked a lot this week about how only the Lord knows how many days we will be here on the earth.  Not one of us knows if we have tomorrow!  Only God knows that.  So each morning I have asked Him if He would graciously help me to live that day focused only on that day, without a care for the next one.  He's got it all in His hands, and I want to live each moment fully engaged, as though I might just be gone in the blink of an eye.  Because I could.  I know that sometimes it can sound trite, but seriously.  I do not want my children's last memory of me to be yelling at them!  I don't want my husband to think that I am never satisfied or that I don't respect, admire and adore him.  I realize that my behavior will never be perfect, I will struggle with selfishness until the day I die!  However, the Lord has shown me this week that by abiding in Him more and being SO grateful that He is in control of my every step...I can quickly resolve these things and continue on in peace and joy and love with my family.

Words escape me as I seek to express what this has meant to me this week.  I have just cherished these precious moments with the Lord each morning.  I have been so grateful to see His hand in each day, answering the cry of my heart for contentment, peace, rest and joy.  He has given me greater faith to trust Him, and has shown His mercy to me in new ways each day.  He has revealed to me how often I have allowed circumstances, emotions or people to rob me of my contentment, and how foolish I've been to allow that to happen!  Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, and nothing can take me out of His hand!  There's nowhere else I'd rather be. 

Contentment.  I believe that there is only one place anyone can truly find that.  It's in the Lord Jesus Christ and the faith that is a free gift from Him for all who will believe.  How good it is to see Him calm an anxious heart!  And to top it off, it's mine!  :-)  Glory to God!!!

Obviously I haven't posted in awhile.  Sometimes it seems as though I cannot even begin to keep up with the pace by which the days fly....  Nevertheless, here I am.  And this will certainly be a bit of a ramble, but I'm needing to get these thoughts out...more for my own sanity than anything.  Sometimes it helps me to go back and look at all the Lord has done.  While it may not seem very profound, it's in these day-to-day scenarios that I find the Lord growing us, loving us, molding us to be the peopler He wants us to be!  My plan is to just "talk" here, not to go back and edit...I don't have that kind of time.  But since a couple of you have asked, here it is.  And thanks for praying!!!  Please continue. 

Some of you have asked me if I'm doing better since my last post on Attitude.  The answer is a resounding yes.  What is funny is that I cannot even remember what happened that prompted me to write that post!  Obviously, I can tend to allow my fickle feelings affect me too much at times.  God, in His great grace, is allowing all of us in our family to choose better atttitudes most days.  We continue to struggle, and we are far from perfect (as will be that case 'til Christ returns or calls us Home!).  But as we talk about it and pray together about it, we are thankful that the Lord is giving us the self-control that we need to stop wallowing in things.

This weekend has been a good example.  I'll see if I can give it a quick run-down (okay, so it might not be that quick, but I'll do my best).  My husband needed to spend the entire weekend catching up on his studies, as some of his training had caused him to be two weeks behind.  This was a daunting prospect, yet there was nothing he could do about it.  We planned to have him kind of "holed-up" in our room for the weekend, focusing on his school stuff, with few interruptions.  Well, that didn't last long.  The air conditioner went out Friday night.   Of course, it was in the 90s and humid!  Being the weekend, he could not get anyone to work on it.  He spent hours over the weekend working on it himself, which (obviously) took him from his studies.  We also had a yard sale.  I was not feeling well.  I had some serious sinus problems and migraines.  While I did most of it myself, I did need more assistance from him than I'd anticipated.  Still more time away from his studies.  He spent an hour working on an assignment to turn in, and just as he went to hit the send button...the computer went down, and he lost the entire hour's worth of work! 

I had severe insomnia last week and weekend, sleeping about an hour a night, alongside coughing spells that lasted for hours.  On Sunday I ended up needing to go to urgent care.  DH drove me - more time away from studies.  And to top it off...I came home and bent down when my son fell on the sidewalk...I could not stand up without excruciating pain.  My body has behaved like an elderly woman's this weekend, and I'm not quite sure why.  Then...the Dr.'s office refused to write the authorization for my urgent care visit, even though it was my insurance company's nurse who told me to go there in the first place.  When I became frustrated about that, she had her nurse call me back to inform me that she was cancelling my appointment that I'd made for this week, "because of the situation."  The icing on the cake was when the salon where my hair stylist works told me that they will no longer allow me to bring my children (who are quite well-behaved, mind you) in when I come for my hair cut.  Small thing, that one, but it was just the last straw for me, and I was in tears.  Since then, we have also found out that there was a huge fraud problem at our bank, and they've cancelled our debit cards and we'll have to wait for new ones to get here.  And, just tonight...our one credit card company called us to verify some charges that were made on our credit card.  They were not made by us.  So...that is now closed, as well.  Whew!

Usually, this would all send me through the roof.  I admit that I have had moments of being discouraged, but the over-riding sense in our home through all of this has been one of peace.  I have been beyond proud of my husband, who must feel so overwhelmed at his current situation...he has really handled it all quite well.  I don't know that I'd do as well - I want to cry for him, it's such a tough spot!  But God is faithful, and is giving him the grace to press on and just do the best he can with the situation he's in.  He is trying to work on learning a new (and very difficult) language at the same time as his master's degree.  It's no small potatoes.  How great is our God, to give him an attitude that is helping him to keep going, even when he wants to give up!  I prase the Lord for that!

And even though I have been in pain for most of the last few days, am extremely sleep-deprived, and am not quite sure what to do about some of these "situations," the Lord has given me peace!  I am at rest, knowing that His Word is true, and His grace is sufficient for me.  He has allowed us to have some perspective, as we grieve for those who have recently lost children, been in terrible accidents, facing much worse things than we do...  It doesn't mean that my troubles don't matter, but I know that things could be so much worse.  I am thankful that I can walk and move...whether it be with pain or not.  I am thankful that I celebrated a birthday with my son today.  I am thankful that the Lord has allowed us all to be able to look above our light and momentary troubles and see that He shines bright and He gives His grace to us for these times! 

Nothing that has happened this weekend was outside of His plan for us.  Does the evil one seek to destroy us?  Certainly!  Will he?  No!  Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.  We know that the Lord continues to teach us.  My youngest keeps saying that He is making our hearts like His.  So true.  And I'm humbled that He loves us enough to do that!  Do I pray for the pain to go away?  Of course!  (I rather like to be comfortable and pain-free.)  But do I sit and whine about it and neglect everything that needs to be done?  No.  People live productive lives in much worse pain than I am in.  I trust that the Lord will guide me to do what needs to be done in His timing, and that He will give me the grace to do it, regardless of the pain.  It has been so obvious this weekend that the evil one has just been bent on attacking us constantly.  I wonder if he doesn't think that if he just keeps on, that eventually we'll give in.  He is sorely mistaken.  God, in His grace, has called us to Himself - every one of us!  And we can stand firm in His Truth, with His armor on, and trust Him to fight for us.  We wait on the Lord and know He is working out His best for us - for our good and His glory!

May we always seek to bring Him glory, trusting in His sufficient grace, no matter how big or small the challenges we face.  There is nothing too difficult for the Lord!  Thank You, Father, for giving us grace to choose attitudes that lighten the load for each other, rather than wallow in self-pity!  Please grant incredible measures of grace to those who are hurting more than I can even imagine right now.  Please protect us all from the evil one, and surround us with your angels!  May be bring much attention to Christ in our daily lives!  May we be light in this dark world.  And may Your matchless Name be praised!!!  For Your glory we desire to live....

Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter, Maria, was killed today in a devastating accident.  She was five years old.  Would you please pray for this family who ministers to thousands of people all over the world?  It appears as though one of her older brothers was driving a vehicle down their lane and didn't see her.  She was life-flighted to a hospital, but died from her injuries.  I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that they are experiencing right now.  Please pray for them, and especially for the brother involved...it breaks my heart to imagine the suffering he must be enduring right now.

Lord, please grant your great grace and peace to the Chapmans!  Only You can provide them with your peace in the midst of their suffering.  Please comfort them all, and especially the brother involved, as it must be excruciating for him right now.  Please protect them from the evil one, surround them with your angels, and draw them ever closer to Yourself in the hours, days, weeks, months...to come.  You know them each intimately, You love them, You created them...  Please be near them now, Lord Jesus.  In Your Name we ask it, Amen.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel impossible to have a good attitude?  I have really been struggling with this lately.  I've had something happen in my life recently that has dredged up a whole lot of "yuck," for lack of a better word, and it has made me angry.  And I know I shouldn't stay angry.  I KNOW that!  I know the truth of God's Word...I should trust in Him, pray and ask Him to help me to have the right attitude, fill my mind with Truth, etc.  I know these things.  And yet sometimes it just seems like I cannot get out of this mess!

Yesterday, a wise friend shared these verses with me from 1 Peter 5:6-10, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."  I'll add the next verse, too: "To him be the power for ever and ever.  Amen."

It is my sincere hope that God, in His matchless grace, will help me out of this muck and mire.  I think that part of my problem is that it is "easier" for me to feel angry than to feel hurt.  When something has gone on for so long...for years on end...I just don't have it in me to continue to experience the deep hurt!  And so the anger sets in.  And I have to try to fight off bitterness and resentment.  I cannot do it on my own.  That much is blatantly obvious!  I continue to ask the Lord to help me, and yet this seems to be one of those times when I am not getting an answer right now.  His timing is not lining up with mine.  I know His ways are not my ways (and praise Him for that!), but I am weary.  SO weary.  I feel as though I cannot move another step unless this heavy weight can lift and stay away.  And this extreme weariness makes me easy bait for the evil one...the roaring lion.  It's as though I'm just a carcass...on the ground, already there for him to just stroll on up and devour.  No hunt involved, no stalking, no prowl necessary.  I'm stuck in the mud.  I'm already "dead weight."  And I know that's not good.  I don't know how long the "little while" is that the Lord wants me to suffer right now.  It already feels like a LONG time!  But He knows.  And for now, I'm going to ask Him to give me faith when mine is weak, to help me rest in His perfect care. 

If you happen to be one of the very few people who sometimes read this blog, would you mind asking the Lord for grace for me and my family?  That I would not take this out on my kids so much?  I hate that they seem to take the brunt of what is going on, when it has absolutely nothing to do with them!  Again...I know that I need to make sure not to do that...but I seem unable to do anything else.  Romans 7, anyone?  That's where I'm living right now.

May the God of all grace restore all of us and make us strong!  Please, Lord, for our good and YOUR glory!

...for the Smiths.

If you haven't already read their story,  you can visit them at www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com.

Take a look at this video...I can't even begin to imagine what they must be going through.  Their daughter lived for about 2 1/2 hours.  And that was more than they were expecting.  Please be in prayer for them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

I can't say that I've ever heard that "phrase" before, thought it, or said it.  However, today, I believe the Lord had it flow freely out of my mouth in the middle of a conversation.  And I just stopped.  And thought about it.  Yes, Lord.  That's what I LONG to be doing on a constant, daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Groaning for grace.

See, I spent some time with the Lord today, asking Him to reveal to me what is at the root of the struggle that is currently the most difficult for me.  As I spent time talking with Him and reading His Word, He answered me in some very specific ways!  I am always so very humbled by that.  That the God of the entire universe would care enough for me to speak to me in detail.  To touch my heart in very personal ways.  It truly is incredible.

What I learned, while no shock to me, was this:  I struggle with unbelief.  (Hmmm...have you heard this before?)  I'll clarify again, for those who might argue with me, that this is not unbelief in Christ...no issue of salvation in question here.  Jesus has already paid my ransom!!!  But...this is an unbelief that sneaks in without my realizing it.  It comes out in so many little ways.  However, when I look at it through the microscope of the Truth of God's Word, it is UGLY!  And not so small. 

"What does it look like?" you ask.  Like this.  Whether out loud or silently in my heart, I whine when I don't get "my way."  I think others should care about me.  I think my children should obey me.  I think that I should "feel" a certain way in my day-to-day life.  The issue is idolatry.  The idols are "self," and (I think) some "idea of what my life should look like."  Because when I don't like how I am treated, I get more upset than I should.  When my days seem to "fall apart," I'm not trusting (read, unbelief) that God was sovereign in all of those circumstances.  I just think of how I didn't like how the day went or how it made me feel! Ugh...yuck.  It's not pretty, is it?  I see many circumstances as "hindrances" to the peaceful life that should be mine.  What???  Should be mine?  Why?  Did anyone tell me that my life should be peaceful?  Well...yes, and yes.  The world tells me that my life should have a certain kind of "peace."  This, I would say, is where I can find myself believing a lie.  That my days should be filled with natural, "easy" smiles, no struggles, serenity...like being at a spa for my entire life.  ???  What?   

Then I look again into the microscope, and I see Who else says I should have peace.  REAL peace.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  (John 14:27)  Yes.  That's it.  I AM supposed to have peace!  Why?  How?  Because Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, gives it to me!  Is it the "peace" that the world tries to offer or says we should seek?  No!  It is a peace that we cannot grasp.  Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again; Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:4-7)  The peace of God, which transcends all understanding.  It is beyond comprehension.  THAT is the kind of peace that I long for!  When I am experiencing that peace, it is incredible!  Then the struggles ensue, and I get distracted...lose focus.  And I forget to rejoice in the Lord always, leaving everything that concerns me at His feet, and I get aggravated easily.  Life is not peaceful.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.  You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!  For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!  Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.  (Peace!)  (Romans 5:1-11)

Whoa.  So let's see if I get this right.  When I was STILL A SINNER Christ died for me?  HE reconciled me to God!  Past tense.  I have been reconciled to God.  Because of Christ's work on the cross - his death and resurrection.  Do I believe that?  Yes!!!  Do I REALLY believe that?  As in, do I believe it in such a way that it infiltrates each moment of my day?  Apparently not.  Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!  How I need Him to work this so deeply into my heart that I am constantly mindful of my utter dependence on Him.  For EVERYTHING.  That brings to mind a Steven Curtis Chapman song that on of my kids likes to sing a lot.  Some lyrics from it are "Jesus is life....the air I'm breathin', why my heart is beatin', everything I'm needin', Jesus is life!"  SO true!  It reminds me of a quote I've posted before from our pastor in the UK.  He was talking about how "bad" life can get (This was before he was diagnosed with brain cancer, but I'm sure he'd still say the same thing!!!), and he said that no matter what in the world could happen - we could imagine the "worst case scenario," and we can still say, "So what???  Jesus is risen!!!!"  He is right.  That Truth alone ought to change us so radically that we live with a view of eternity, rather than staying so focused on the meaningless things of this world.  What else REALLY matters???

I asked the Lord earlier, and have been asking Him ever since (and hope to make this a continual plea from deep in my heart to the merciful and gracious heart of my Heavenly Father)..."Please work these Truths so deeply into my heart that I can't escape them!  That I would not be such a fool as to think that I can make it for one single moment on my own!  That I would fall to my knees, on my face, each and every day, groaning for grace to make it for just another minute.  An hour.  A day.  Lord, that You would work in my heart and life to bring good to the people with whom I come into contact for the ultimate purpose of bringing glory to Your matchless Name!!!"

The only true peace in life is the peace that comes from God.  Peace with God comes only through believing (this faith is also a gift of God, see Eph. 2) in His Son, Jesus Christ...that He died to pay our ransom, taking the penalty for our sins on the cross, and then was raised to life and is now seated at the right hand of God!  More lyrics...the Gaithers, "Because He lives I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives all fear is gone!  Because I know He holds the future and life is worth the living just becaue He lives!"  How true!  That's the ONLY reason life is worth living!  Father, please help me to think on that each day!

If you asked me, I would never say that I could "make it on my own."  I don't think I'm self-sufficient.  Yet, deep down, there is some part of my that obviously thinks I can make it on my own to an extent.  Because I think "I'm doin' okay."  Hmmm...or not so much.  I must remember that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me!  And I am in need of His grace to make it through each day.  And not only do I need that grace, but so do my husband and my children.  My friends and family members, our postman, pest control technician, bank teller, grocery store clerk, etc.  We ALL need grace!  And I'm asking the Lord to keep me ever aware of my need for it, and that He might work in my heart to extend it more freely to others. 

As I sought the Lord today for help in my struggle, He revealed two verse to me, and they were in this order (as I just "randomly" looked in my Bible at the first page it fell open to):  a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.  (2 Peter 2:19b)  the Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials... (2 Peter 2:9a)  He confirmed that it was a serious thing that I am struggling with, and I ought not take it lightly.  But...He also confirmed that no problem is too big for Him!  That He can free me from this struggle, just as He's freed me from many in the past!  (In case you wonder if I'm being prideful here, I'm not.  I believe that last verse applies to me because when I believed in Jesus, I was given the righteousness of Christ.  Therefore, because when God looks at me He sees His Son's blood paying for my sins, He considers me righteous.  Not because I think that I am "godly" in and of myself.  No, may it never be!)  Thank You for that, Lord!  That You are so far beyond what I can comprehend!  My most difficult challenges are no problem to You! 

So, Father, precious Jesus, please continue to mold me and shape me.  Break the hard areas in my heart, I pray.  Pride, insecurity, selfishness, anger, impatience...please enable me, by Your grace, to set those sins aside and trust in You!  May I rejoice in my struggles, as I know that You are at work.  And I know that if I rejoice in You, trust in You, hope in You, I will have Your peace - no matter the circumstances of my day to day life!  May I delight in Your sovereignty and Your grace, knowing that You have ordained every single day of my life since before time began!  And Your plan is perfect - no scenario I could ever dream up in my mind could compare with the perfect will of the Lord!  May I be free from believing the lies of the world, especially those that tell me that "peace" only comes when circumstances feel fun or easy or pleasant.  May I remember what You tell me in Your Word:  ...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:  "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."  Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.  (Hebrews 12:1b-7a)  My Abba (Daddy) Father loves me enough to bring things into my life to teach me the things that He knows I need to learn.  And because He created me, He knows how I need to learn them!  I can trust Him!!!

Father, I am  groaning for grace.  May I groan for grace each and every day.  All day.  May I be so focused on You that my burdens seem light!  That I am glad to endure whatever You choose to put on my path, because I know that nothing comes into my life that hasn't passed through Your mighty right hand!  May I be a source of encouragement, mercy and grace to those around me.   Especially my family.  May I remember that I cannot make it on my own, no matter how "easy" a day I'm having!  I need to fully rely on You.  Thank You for Your love.  For Your grace.  For YOUR peace.  Surely, it does pass ALL understanding!  For who is like the Lord???  You are the Lord, and there is NO other!  All praise and honor and glory to Christ!

I'm groaning...for grace.

Our church body had a really tremendous time of worship over the past weekend.  On Friday and Saturday there was a music and drama presentation that was extremely powerful!  One song that has stayed in my mind from that service, and was sung yesterday morning, as well, was Unto the Lamb.  I had never heard this song before, but hope to find it soon to own and listen to here at home.  This is one of those songs in which the music really reinforces the power of the lyrics.  What a great text!

I can see Jesus, high and exalted,
My eyes are fixed upon His face,
it shines like the sun.

I can see Jesus, clothed in glory,
He is high and lifted up,
And His train fills the temple

And all of the angels cry holy,
All the saints cry holy,
All creation cries holy,
Holy is the Lamb

All praise unto the Lamb
Who sits on the throne,
Honor and power, dominion and praise,
Unto the Lamb, who was and is, and is to come!

There are many things the Lord does in our life that are for our GOOD, but are not easy.  This is often the case in my experience with Jesus.  Today is no exception.  We remember the day that the Son of God, Jesus Christ, subjected Himself, humbled Himself to death.  Even death on a cross.  He paid the ransom for my sin.  For yours.  The word GOOD hardly seems to do it justice.  But it IS a GOOD Friday. 

Our fellow brothers and sisters at our church back in the UK sang this tonight during their service...how I wish I could be there worshipping with them!  This is one of my favourite songs, and the Lord has humbled me time and time again through these lyrics, written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend.

Oh, to see the dawn (The Power of the Cross)

Oh, to see the dawn of the darkest day: Christ on the road to Calvary.

Tried by sinful men, torn and beaten, then nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the power of the cross: Christ became sin for us.

Took the blame, bore the wrath - we stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain written on your face, bearing the awesome weight of sin.

Every bitter thought, every evil deed crowning your blood-stained brow.

This, the power of the cross: Christ became sin for us.

Took the blame, bore the wrath - we stand forgiven at the cross.

Now the daylight flees, now the ground beneath quiakes as its Maker bows his head.

Curtain torn in two, dead are raised to life; 'Finished!' the victory cry.

This, the power of the cross: Christ became sin for us.

Took the blame, bore the wrath - we stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see my name written in the wounds, for through your suffering I am free.

Death is crushed to death, life is mine to live, won through your selfless love.

This, the power of the cross: Son of God slain for us.

What a love!  What a cost!  We stand forgiven at the cross.

You can hear a clip at the Gettys' website here:

http://www.gettydirect.com/Products.asp?id=204

May we all be mindful of what a GOOD Friday today is.

I've shared before how the Lord uses my children to teach me and minister to me.  Tonight was no exception.  Awhile after putting them to bed, our 6yo cried out to me.  I went to the room, expecting to hear about a nightmare and pray for protection.  Instead, what I saw and heard were a body racked with sobs and a voice that cracked as it said, "Mommy,  this is just making me very sad.  I think this is what God is teaching me today.  You know the Building 429 song that says, 'When no one else knows how I feel?'  Well, I have been thinking about that, and it tells me that God takes care of me.  And I thought about my day with           .  And even though it was not a fun time (another child had not been kind to him or his brother), I know that God was taking care of me."  Wow.  He's listening to lyrics, and applying them to his daily life situations already.  (And I'd just said to my hubby the other night, "Can you imagine if we'd had contemporary Christian music to listen to while we grew up?"  We both wished we'd had it, maybe we wouldn't have listened to so much GARBAGE!  But that's beside the point.) 

After we talked for a few minutes, I heard this:  "This also makes me think of the Steven Curtis Chapman song that says His mercies are new every morning."  And we talked about that.  I asked him, "Are you crying because you're overwhelmed at how much God loves you?"  He nodded through tears and cried some more.  (Oh...the tug on a mother's heart to see this precious one love God THAT much!!!)  I asked him if he would like me to pray, and he nodded yes.  We prayed together.  As we finished, I could see that his body had calmed, his face had the look that reveals a spirit of peace, and he smiled through wet eyes.  He was ready to sleep now. 

What a blessing!  What a privilege!  As I prayed with my son, I thanked the Lord for the gift of faith that was given to this young one.  I thanked Him for speaking to the heart of this little boy and for loving him enough to graciously help him to understand it in the context of his daily life situations.  I thanked Him for the tender heart of this child who cares so deeply about the Lord and truly wants to learn the Truth and internalize it and live it out.  I thanked my dear son for calling me in to his room to talk about it.  I am so grateful.  Amazing Love, that the Lord would die for us, rise again, care for us, teach us...young and old alike.  And speak so clearly to the heart of a 6yo...Hallelujah!  What a Saviour!

I wrote this when very exhausted and brain-fried, so I apologize if it is disjointed (to the two or maybe three of you who might actually read this!).  It has been neat to see the Lord at work in our hearts, and I wanted to share a bit.

For the past twelve years, I have had a very difficult relationship with some people.  I have struggled with being a "people-pleaser" and have cared too much what others think of me.  In this particular relationship, many hurtful things have been said to me.  To my husband.  And I have "risen to our defense," and in the end have spoken disrespectfully to these people.  I allowed their views of me to hurt much more than it should have.  I KNEW that the things they were saying were simply not true, not accurate, not right or honorable.  However, what I failed to do was to be able to ignore it.  To be able to forgive them for it all without hearing them accept full responsiblity for their wrongdoing.  Over the years, I apologized for many things I had said or done wrong in the relationship.  I did hear one very genuine apology from these people, and it meant a great deal.  But that was it.  Just one.  (And believe me, there were more opportunities for apology than that one instance.)

About a year ago, I felt led, after months with no contact, to get in touch with these people again.  I could sense the Holy Spirit guiding me to work to establish just some friendly correspondence.  So, while I didn't necessarily "feel like it," I followed the Lord's guidance and contacted them.  This began a period of friendly e-mails.  Nothing of much depth, but a bit of chit-chat from time to time.  Every once in awhile, something just below the "surface-y" stuff, but not too deep.  I knew back then, that I needed to apologize for my speaking disrespectfully to them, regardless of whether they every accepted and owned up to their faults in our troubles.  That was not my issue - that is between them and the Lord!  So...I have been praying about that.  That the Lord would show me when and how to approach them and that I could truly just trust HIM for allowing me to forgive and not expect them to apologize for the deep hurts that they have caused.

Jump to present-day.  Our pastor has been speaking in the past few weeks about working for peace in our relationships.  I knew that the Lord was speaking to my heart about making this right w/ these people.  One Sunday, the pastor's call to action was something to this effect:  "What will you to TODAY to work toward building peace in your relationships?"  Instantly, I knew.  It was time to apologize.  I prayed all day that the Lord would orchestrate the opportunity and make it clear to me, and then give me the courage to do what I needed to do.  He did.  I was able to apologize.  I did it without making any excuses for my behavior.  I apologized specifically for what I had done wrong.  It was ONLY BY HIS GRACE that I was able to do it, and I'm so glad that He worked that out!

In response, I saw looks of surprise, and then heard what I have heard before.  An "apology" that was not genuine and did not bear full responsibility for actions.  "I'm sorry for any things that were said that maybe you took the wrong way."  Hmmm...still finding a way to place the blame on me.  Not accepting responsibility or genuinely being sorry for what was done.  But you know what?  That's okay.  I know now, because of God's grace, that I can walk away from that.  I am at peace in my heart with the Lord because as far as I know, I have apologized for all of the wrong that I have done in this relationship.  I have accepted responsibility for my actions and behavior.  I have asked the Lord to reveal to me if I'm missing something, and so far He has made clear to me that all I can do has been done.  And the rest is up to Him!  I can be at peace in my heart and know that whatever happens with the other people...it's between them and the Lord.  I even genuinely feel sad for them at times now, because they are the ones missing out on the depth of relationship that comes from being open and honest, from true reconciliation and healing, moving forward in the grace of Christ!

After the conversation, my husband and I realized that this was the neatest part - to see that there were many points during our talk that if it had been a few years ago, we would have responded to quite a few things they said, trying to set them straight.  Trying to get them to understand it in light of the Truth.  Now...we realize that they might never "get it," and it's not worth the added stress of trying to show it to them.  It's not our job.  Still more hurtful things were said, things that were done in the past were defended, etc.  It could have been very frustrating!  But this time, as evidence of God's grace in our hearts, we just did the "smile and nod" and moved on.  Now, I truly care far more what God thinks of me, not what anyone else thinks!  I am humbled by His grace in this situation.  God is good, and we are grateful!!!  Clearly, He was once again working for our good and for His glory!