Nov. 1, 2009 - Going Grocery Shopping - a Training Opportunity

This week’s newsletter talked about training each of our children even though they are all at different levels of skill and understanding.  One of the ways that has worked for me is by breaking down a skill or moral truth into bite size pieces.  Each step is progressive and therefore each of my children can be working at a different stage and yet I keep my focus knowing that we are working on one thing at this moment in time.

An example of working with these progressive steps is going grocery shopping.  We do this every week; it is a fantastic training opportunity and yet we miss that opportunity because we want it over and done with real quick!  And yet the learning that goes on is huge. Here is a progressive list (it may not be exhaustive) that will move our children through grocery shopping training. 

• Stay in the trolley or pram
• Keep voices quiet, inside voices
• Hold onto the trolley, don’t leave mum
• Don’t ask for things!
• Greet people politely, say a big hello to the checkout lady
• Be patient if mummy talks to a friend
• Follow instructions, help mummy by getting things off the shelf (the right things, the things I need!)
• Help unload the groceries into the car, and then into the house and pantry once we get home.
• Go off by yourself and get 2-5 items (initially in the same isle, eventually in a different isle than mum)
• Understand comparing prices, understand quality for money
• Go off by yourself and do ½ the shopping
• Understanding the family budget and nutritional needs
• Go off by yourself and do the whole shopping

When I look at this progressive list I can immediately see what Daniel, my youngest, can achieve and what I can teach him next.  I can also see what training needs to happen for each of my children.  This means I go into my weekly task of grocery shopping ready to teach and practice and I come out knowing that each of my children have grown in this area of responsibility.

These are some character qualities that we can train towards while grocery shopping

• Obedience – do what I am told with a happy attitude
• Gratefulness – be thankful for the many blessings I have
• Respect – the other person counts
• Thriftiness – being wise with my money
• Responsibility – to be dependable in all that I’m asked to do

Yes, it is true, if we train our children while we do the grocery shop it will take longer, but in the long run you will have trained your children in a very valuable life skill.  But grocery shopping is just one situation in our day where we need to be training our children. 

Sep. 28, 2009 - 5 Keys to Consistency

After reading Three Little Ladies weekly wrap up where she says her goal for the week was consistency in child training I got to thinking "how do we maintain consistency?"  Consistency is one of the biggest challenges to motherhood: it challenges all our efforts in training our children be it in character, lifeskills or academics.  Here are 5 keys, or steps towards maintaining consistency:

1. Assess the needs – know what you are working with
2. Make a plan – know how you are going to train your children
3. Set aside time – know when you are going to train your children (maybe stay home??)  Clear the decks from commitments so you can be focused
4. Live life with your kids – you cannot carry out any plan unless you are living in the same time/space world as your children
5. Reflect back on each day – so you can know what went well and what didn’t go so well, tweak things for tomorrow!  It is a new day tomorrow!
   

Aug. 15, 2009 - Am I in it for me or for you?

When we go into a conversation we have a choice to make – am I in this conversation to promote myself or to help and encourage the other person?  This is something that we have been working on in sibling relationships though it is applicable to any relationship.

When we go into a conversation with something to prove we tend to be aggressive and the listener will either be defensive or withdraw.  It is really a no-win situation.

I was explaining this to my children the other day when it dawned on me that both of them have the opportunity to make each other great.  Joshua, with all his gifts and knowledge, has the opportunity to make Jessica a fantastic woman, and Jessica, with all her gifts and understanding has the opportunity to make Joshua an amazing man.  In supporting and encouraging each other, instead of being out to prove something in and of themselves, they will draw out the amazing-ness in each other.  This reflects what a marriage is to be like.  I reflect Pete’s love and care for me.  And as the saying goes, behind every great man there is a great woman! Through our love and support for each other we have the opportunity to encourage our spouse to be all that God made them to be.  Sibling relationships are the practice ground.

What does this look like?  Here is an example:  Josh and Jess were debating a fact or reference about ancient Egypt.  While they both approached this conversation with something to prove (they were right and the other was wrong), they just debated and it wasn’t going anywhere.  If they had a different attitude though they could have encouraged each other by asking about their sources, by supporting the other’s efforts to find truth, or by asking questions, also by simply accepting someone else may know more!  Instead of a stale mate of simply disagreeing they would have been able to enjoy learning together, drawing from each other’s knowledge and understanding.  Jess would have been able to challenge Joshua to think broader, Joshua would have been able to encourage Jess in thinking through her sources.  They would have both come away being better people for the conversation.

Some other key communication principles

• Listen more than you talk
• Ask questions before you declare your opinions
• Be humble – you don’t know everything
• Consider the preciousness of the other person
• Consider the preciousness of the relationship over being right

You may be interested in this article from my website, Be a Good Listener

Aug. 4, 2009 - Do we give time to our children's hearts?

It has recently dawned on me that if my child was sick I would change my routine, I would change my lifestyle in order to do the things that would make them well.  Actually this happened to us – when baby #3 was 6mo she was diagnosed with a Whilms Tumour and it had to be removed (along with her kidney).  Five months of chemo followed.  This meant our lifestyle had to change to some degree but we did that without thinking because we would do anything to make her well.

When our hearts, or our children’s hearts are full of sin – they are sick; sick on the inside.  Am I as committed to doing everything to make my child well on the inside as I am to make them well in the physical?  Am I prepared to change our routine, our lifestyle; am I committed to doing everything necessary to help them see their need for Jesus, and to walk in His truths.  I hope so!

Jul. 8, 2009 - Purposeful Holidays

Heather McEwan, of Mamma Frazzle, has posted her notes from a presentation on Purposeful Holidays.  Whether we homeschool or not, the holiday times can be great family relationship building times as well as intentional training times.  We just need to put a little thought into what we are going to do.   I encourage you to read Heather’s post.

It is holiday time for Heather right now, and she is intentionally working on obedience and kind words in her family – this is the purpose of her bootcamp.  Click over and read her notes.

I have blogged about Boot Camp before

What is Boot Camp (and starting Obedience bootcamp)

Reporting in on Boot Camp (day 1 and day 3)

Boot Camp over the weekend

Boot Camp refocus

Boot Camp Final Report

Obedience notes

Boot Camp for the Sluggard (overview)

Boot Camp for the Sluggard – Thoroughness

Boot Camp for the Sluggard – Finishing the job

Jul. 6, 2009 - Teenage Sibling Relationships

Over the weekend I’ve been thinking about teenage sibling relationships.  There has been a subtle change in how deep our children’s friendship goes, the older they get.  And unfortunately there are some things that I need to pull back and get back into proper alignment.  What should teenage sibling relationships look like?

When the kids were little we focused on family identity – we were the Letchfords.  They were to be best friends – and they were.  But I’ve noticed a slight change in attitudes and something is niggling me about it.  It is as if as they grow older they start to focus on who they are as an individual and that ever so subtly becomes a little stronger than who they are as a family.  The family still looks strong because a good foundation has been laid but when you start to look at individual relationships – there are red flags waving.

What is a red flag waving – remember Tootle the train – he was warned not to go off the tracks, but he ignored the red flags and ended up in trouble.  Red flags to parents are the little indications that something needs attention – else trouble is on its way.

Our teenagers are growing up, they are establishing who they are and yet here we have a conflict.  The world tells our teenagers that they need to find their identity in and of themselves, and yet does that line up with the Bible.  The natural family is the training ground for functioning in the body of Christ.  God uses the language of a natural family to illustrate the spiritual.  We find our function, our identity as a Christian in the body – so too should our teenage children – they can find their identity, their function in the family.  This is not the way we are taught, this is not what our children will encounter as they circle of acquaintances broadens.  Will it be the way of our family?

With these thoughts I have been challenged to maintain the intentional strengthening of family bonds, to maintain the ideals that we are to be each other’s best friend and that family comes first.  What do these things look like in a teenager’s life?  Here are some of the red flags waving:

• Joking – one of the marks of growing up is the change in how our children joke.  Australians are all too comfortable with knocking people down, taking the ‘mickey’ out of someone.  This is the lowest form of humour and therefore so easy to pick up.  I need to remind my children that even our joking needs to be edifying.
• Serving – our sibling relationships are not only a practice and training ground for the body of Christ but also for marriages.  Is my son serving his sister, is my daughter serving her brother?  The love that drove them to do things for each other when they were little needs to be not forgotten, and encouraged to be expressed.  The world tells them that this is not normal – the Bible says it is to be expected!
• Being there for each other – as a young family being there for each other was easy, the kids didn’t have individual interests, friends and activities.  We did things as a family.  I need to ensure that this remains a part of our family culture.  Once again, the things that I allow to happen will either build this ideal, or make it easy to slip aside; after all I control/monitor the family calendar.   When I say someone can do something I need to consider the affects on family relationships, and the other commitments we have.

Over the next little while I am going to keep an eye out for those red flags.  We need to elevate family relationships so that the balance between family and individual is healthy.

Jun. 29, 2009 - Intentional Heart Training this week

May. 18, 2009 - Focusing for the Distracted Child

May. 4, 2009 - Jesus our Example

Luke 23:34 tells us what Jesus prayed as he was on the cross:  Father,forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.

This is a great example of how to act when people give us a hard time, or when there is friction in our relationships.  We are comfortable with the idea (though the action sometimes is uncomfortable) to ask for and offer forgiveness but Jesus went one step further – he prayed for them.

As the kids and I talked about this today I was felt prodded to lift conflict resolution up a notch – can we pray for each other when the other person has hurt us?  Tough stuff but it is the example that Jesus set us.  What will this really look like?

1.        If someone hurts us but hasn’t asked for forgiveness (such as the soldiers casting lots, the crowd crucifying Jesus) can we pause and pray for the person – not to pray for vindication but rather to pray for blessing.

2.       After we have mended the rift in our relationship can we pray take a moment to pray together – to pray love and blessing for the other person (regardless of who was right and who was wrong).

Apr. 29, 2009 - Its their responsibility

What is the number one area you think you need to work on

in your life at the moment?

no answer, so I tried another question....

What do you think is the area Mummy talks to you the most about?

Why are you asking? They asked me.

As a child you are to be growing and maturing all the time, and it is my job as your parent to help you do that.  But there comes a time when you need to know the things that aren’t right in your life, and you need to know how you are going to change them.  You need to take responsibility for the type of person you grow into.  Now is the time for you to start doing that and by talking about it you can start to learn how to think that way.  By talking about it I am helping you learn to be responsible.

After they acknowledged an area (probably different than the one I would have said, but still a true assessment) we talked about what character trait was missing, and how they could improve on that area. 

the conversation drifted onto other things...

As I think back over the conversation, I look forward to seeing some improvement over the next few days.  It is as if we are now on the same team - we are working together rather than me setting the standard, reminding, prompting, lecturing and being disappointed.  Now that we've had a talk about it, all I should need to do is give a gentle reminder to our conversation and see if they change their heart.

Apr. 22, 2009 - What a blessing!

Mar. 23, 2009 - Oh but it is so good

This morning we realized that the chickens didn’t get put away last night.  So far, we have been fortunate that when we do forget there have been no snakes or dogs here during the night making the most of our forgetfulness.  At dawn this morning though we realized we did have our neighbours dog here trying to visit with Domino (our dog) and though he wasn’t going for the chickens we thought we better put them away.

What I saw gave me a chuckle but reminded me of our children as well.

Daniel took out the scrap container and banging on the lid, hoped they would follow him to the chook house like the do every afternoon.  They reluctantly and hesitatingly came, but oh, the temptation to stay on the lawn and to scratch around the garden beds – oh that was so strong.  They went towards Daniel, and then darted back to the garden bed, back to Daniel, walk a little way and then dart back to the garden bed.  It was if – I know I should come with you but these grubs are so good.  I know I’m not supposed to be here but I like it!

This is exactly what happens with our children.  They know when they are doing something wrong (they often have guilt written all over their face!) but the pleasure of whatever they are doing is greater than the pleasure they get out of doing the right thing.

Just like Jess had to get in behind the chickens and give them an extra push in the right direction – so too do our children occasionally need a little extra push towards doing the right thing.

But the biggest lesson of all was not about the chickens – but rather about the kids and my responsibilities.  If the chickens had been put away last night they would not have had the pleasure of being in the garden beds overnight.  They would not have had all those extra worms from the lawn.  So too, if I keep my children in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, they too won’t experience the pleasure of doing the wrong thing.  We need to use our routine, our planned activities (our boundaries) to help our children do the right thing.  Because of human nature – sin nature in us all – there will be plenty of opportunities where our children will do the wrong thing without the times of us letting them!

Mar. 17, 2009 - Doing the Basics

There are often times in our life that seem full of extra activity, or we become aware of a particular need in our family and that becomes a particular focus.  These are seasons in our life and instead of trying to do it all, adding these things to an already full life, we need to cut it down to just the basics.

1. Know your objective for this season
2. Identify the key things that are needed to make things tick in your home
   1. What are the nonnegotiables in your children’s routine?
   2. What are the important household chores?
   3. What things maintain a peaceful atmosphere in your home?

Basic Parenting

Know what maintains order in your child’s life.  No project, no activity is worth chaos.  The retraining that needs to happen after a period of chaos is always bigger than the effort to maintain things day by day. 

• maintain the standard of obedience
• maintain a semblance of routine – even if it is just meal times and rest/nap times
• maintain healthy food choices

Basic Homeschooling

Many of these seasons of life that we see as interruptions are actually full of learning opportunities for our children.  But, making the most of these learning opportunities is where the parent comes into it.  We don’t need to create a lesson plan for every learning opportunity but we do need to ensure that our children take in what is happening around them.

• be intentional about talking together
• involve the children in the planning and decision making if possible
• encourage the children to record their days – a blog, a photo, an email, a notebook page,

Basic Homemaking

The KISS principle (Keep it Simple Sweetheart) is never more applicable than how we deal with housework in times of extra activity. 

• Laundry
• Dishes, and
• Cooking

are the three basic things that have to happen to maintain a healthy family through these times.  You may have one or two other tasks that are important to you – for me it is a clean floor – this means things get picked up and I sweep daily.  If these simple tasks are all that happen in our family home for a week or two, it will be okay.  We may need to schedule in some catch up time – the ironing pile won’t stop growing, the dust won’t stop appearing but it all doesn’t have to be dealt with now.

Basic Social Life

It does depend on your personality but there can be a tendency not to look closely at our social life and we keep this going at a frantic pace when other things are being added to our schedule as well.  We need to look seriously at the commitments we make, and especially during these times of particular focus we need to choose to do only the things that are in keeping with our specific goals for this season.

So next time you feel things overwhelming you – consider the basics – and know that this is for just a season.

Dec. 7, 2008 - I don’t believe I just said that!

The other day (it has taken a while to get to blogging about it!) Nomi said she was bored.  I listed quite a list of options, sent her down to her room to think about it and then added those fatal words “If you don’t find something to do in 15 minutes I’ll give you a job!”

As soon as they were uttered I turned to Peter and said, “I can’t believe I just said that.  I have never said that before and I don’t even believe in doing that!”

I believe that when children say they are bored they need to learn to occupy themselves and to be content with their options and if they can’t do that they need my help to learn to do so.  Only when they won’t receive my instruction have I punished them with a task.  (and that is for their unteachable heart, not being bored!)

And yet, here I was threatening a chore.

She found something to do but it left me thinking – why did I say those words?  Words that clearly I don’t agree with, words which I have refrained from saying for over 10 years of parenting!   What was going on?

I was tired.  And it was much more convenient to threaten a task than to get up off my seat and do some training.  It was a quick fix.

I wonder what else is slipping out, getting under the radar so to speak, because I am tired, or focused on other things.  Good time for a check up.  Time to check that my words line up with my beliefs and that my actions line up with my words.  Consistency in all three areas – my beliefs, my words, my actions is a powerful thing in a parent.

Nov. 11, 2008 - Pursuit of Happiness or Pursuit of Holiness

Apparently this week is officially called the Pursuit of Happiness week.  I’ve had a few thoughts about that, with the first one being about our role as parent.

We have many desires for our children but I think one of the most significant is to decide if we want our children to be happy or do we want them to be holy.  Often these two qualities are at odds with each other.

Don’t worry, be happy!

If it feels good – do it!

Do what makes you happy!

These are popular thoughts that are expressed in many ways in our society today, including the basis of many parenting decisions.

We often only see the word holy in connection with the God we worship and yet he commanded us to be holy too.  Holy means set apart, separate.  God said to His people –

For I am the Lord your God,

you will therefore sanctify yourselves

And you shall be holy; for I am holy;

Lev 11:44a

This is obviously something we need to take into consideration when we are faced with daily situations in training our children.  God is calling them to be holy.

The story of Hannah has always amazed and stirred me, mother to mother.  The thing that most amazes me about Hannah is that her son was given at a young age, to Eli the priest, who wasn’t personally a successful father – his own sons were not godly men - and yet, as a young boy Samuel heard God’s voice.  I believe Hannah used those few short years she had with Samuel to instill into his heart a love for God.  Samuel was holy, he was set apart, he was separate from other boys his age.  I don’t mean separate in that he had no friends, he was separate in his calling, in the way he lived his life.

Our children are to be the same.

When our children were little we had a Dedication service for each one.  We gathered our family and friends, we prayed, we confirmed the scriptures and we committed ourselves to bring each one up in the ways of the Lord.  Our friends committed themselves to supporting us in that task. 

In doing so we made much the same decision as Hannah; dedicating our children to the Lord, and his plan for them.    Year after year Hannah visited Samuel.  I am sure that Samuel cried after his mother visited each year, especially while he was so young.  It must have pulled at her heart strings and yet there was a bigger purpose at hand, one that Hannah, his mother, kept her focus on - Her promise to God; that her son would serve in the temple.

What is our response to our children’s tears?  When they want something so badly that they keep pushing our buttons?  Do we give in – wanting them to be happy?  Or do we stand firm on our promise to God - that our child will be set apart, taught in God’s ways.

Oct. 6, 2008 - Gaining Self Control

“But Muuuuum…. I really really want to!”

Mum says, with much patience, “That is where we need self control.  Do you remember what Self control means?”

“It means making a choice”

“That is right, what choice to you have to make?”

“To do it, or not to do it”

“That’s right.  What choice are you going to make?”

“Weeeeell, that is the question!” says Daniel

What a classic conversation.  Just because a child knows the right thing does not mean they will choose to do the right thing.  Daniel sat on my lap until he made a decision.  It would have been so easy for me to remind him to just go and do the right thing but if I did so I would not have trained him in making decisions for himself.  He would have been doing the right thing out of obedience to me, not because he chose to do so.  

When our children are little we are establishing in them an understanding that there is a right and wrong way, right and wrong choices, and there are consequences/blessings for the choices we make.  As they grow up they need the freedom / time to make these choices for themselves (and suffer the consequences or enjoy the blessings).

After sitting for a while Daniel got up and said, “yes mum!” and off he went to have a shower.

In one sense this wasn’t immediate obedience and yet he was having an internal struggle with his own desires and what he knew to be right.  Over the next little while, however long it takes, as I give him time to work through these internal struggles, he will get quicker at putting aside his personal desires and choosing to do right.

Sep. 22, 2008 - Training our children to do things

I have found these keys to work for me in the kitchen, at the craft table and around the house. 

1. Have time set aside for training – being rushed, or only half attentive isn’t fair to the child, or the training process.  I must know that training takes time and make it a priority.
   
2. Remember what it is like learning a new skill myself - this helps me be gracious
3. Know what I want them to achieve in this session – many things are best broken down to small bites, teaching one bite at a time
4. Just because it went well, don’t push on.  End on a happy note, there is always another day
5. Give instructions slowly, and wait till they report back before the next instruction.  One instruction at a time.
6. Keep my hands busy – if my hands aren’t occupied with my own task or project it is easy to take over.  They need to be shown and given the opportunity to try and do it themselves.   Having my own project happening means I can show them on mine and then they work on theirs.

As I am mindful of these ideas I have learnt to be a better instructor.  What has helped you?

Jun. 18, 2008 - Room time – for young and old

I have reinstituted Room time in our house.    Room time is where the children are in their rooms to play for a set period of time. 

The purpose of Room time gives the children opportunity to focus (narrow down their visual, their auditory, their physical boundaries), it gives them time to themselves (deals with emotional overload) and of course, gives me some time without interruptions.

When my older two were younger we had Room time every day, straight after lunch.  This was my craft hour; one hour to rest myself.  Though that wasn’t my goal, it was the spin-off. One of the other benefits was that should someone phone or knock on the door and need time to talk then I could send my children to Room Time knowing that I had one hour of privacy with my friend.

I haven’t been so diligent with Room Time training with my younger two; life has been busier and less routine so the daily habit of practicing Room Time hasn’t been as consistent.  And yet, I know they can do it – I just don’t call them to it.

So the other day when I was trying to tweak my routine again to help me get into the office for an hour most days it dawned on me that I had the tool, right there in my parenting toolbox, I just didn’t use it; Room time! 

Though Nomi can make wise choices, in her room, for one hour, Daniel still struggles to use his time wisely.  So Daniel takes a timer, sets it for 30minutes and he reads for that time, the next 30minutes he plays with toys in his room.  Nomi has the freedom to use her time wisely though I do expect some reading to be done.

We started this training from a very young age – at 6months of age it looked like cot time, that is wake time playing in the cot away from direct contact with mum.  Then at about 3yo it transferred to Room time, though for a shorter period of time gradually lengthening to the one hour.  When in training (10-30min Room Time) we often had two Room Time slots in our day, this of course depended on how long they slept during the day.  By the time they gave up their sleep (between 4 and 6yo) we transferred Room time to the same time of their afternoon nap – after lunch.  Now, with them a bit older they have lunch, finish their lunch-time responsibilities and then have Room time though it can be called at any time of the day that is suitable for your family.

My older two don’t do Room Time as such.  The key to making age appropriate decisions in your house, as children grow older, is to look at the principle and the purpose behind the practice.  The principle behind Room Time is that our children need to learn to occupy themselves and use their time wisely.  The purpose of Room Time is to train to that end.  My older children can make wise choices with their time, and should it be necessary they have the self control not to interrupt me for an hour, therefore they don’t need the physical boundaries of Room Time – they are driven by the boundaries of courtesy, respect and obedience, which of course is our ultimate goal.

Jun. 17, 2008 - Bootcamp for the Sluggard!

Several months ago I had “bootcamp” for obedience training.  I am about to embark on bootcamp yet again.

Previous postings:

Obedience Bootcamp #1  

Obedience Bootcamp #2  

Obedience Bootcamp #3  

Character Notes - Obedience

 
Bootcamp is where I have one child with an issue and I dedicate x-amount of time and energies to training that one area.  As I said, last time we were dealing with obedience, especially in the area of answering back.  Today I start on bootcamp to deal with attitude towards work.

Go to the Ant you sluggard – consider her ways

Expressions of the attitude we are seeing:

• Finds excuses to get out of work
• Procrastinates
• Doesn’t finish chores
• Works slowly
• Excuses, excuses, excuses

Attitude we would like to see:

• willingness to work
• energetic worker – whole heart and body
• shows initiative
• goes the extra mile
• cheerful worker

I am going to use this song as the basis of my heart training.  Songs are a good way to get to the children’s hearts – they sing them throughout the day and yet often don’t stop to listen to the words.  We will be discussing the words, and finding application in our lives.

Go to the Ant

Song by Judy Rogers

(scroll down to #2)

Key lessons I want to discuss:

Responsible

Lazy

Why do parents scold

Refer to the Bible

Ant – works all day, doesn’t need to be told, works hard, doesn’t complain

Sluggard – ignored word, foolish, poverty (doin’ without)

Organization

Thoughtful

Offer to help

Hope someone else will do it

Complain, whine, excuses

Imitate the Ant

Finding time for the training:

The consequence and the framework for training is that I will have this child working by my side for an extra period of time each day.  She will be the one I call on if I need extra work to be done throughout the day.  This training time, Boot Camp, will chew into her free time.  My hope is that we will build our relationship as we work together as well – rather than this being a time of discipline.   This means I will have to have

1. time everyday where I am working on household chores
2. a list of extra chores that we can work on

Today we are going to treat the leather lounges and clean out the fridge.

Articles I have read on Work Ethic / training in the past

Jun. 7, 2008 - Be ever vigilant

• In the beginning there was God – but He was speaking out into a sky full of stars before He actually started making anything
• As a whale jumped out of the water a myriad of other fish splashed out and fell back into the water – more fish appeared (this type of thing actually happened with two different days of Creation.)
• It appeared as if animals were hunting other animals before the Fall.

It was a timely reminder that we need to be vigilant in the things that we bring into our home.  I was pleased that my older children were able to discern these things – though I am sure that some people would slight it off as just an artistic expression.  My younger children though will only come to a place of discernment themselves when they are given clear, constant, true messages.

Timely also that next week we were planning to do some Creation Science with Nomi and Daniel!