I asked my girls what I should write about today and one of them said "Write about how we are the best kids in the world."
Well that's easy enough.
Except maybe I'll digress a little from that original point. I really do have pretty amazing kids. I love being at home and being a busy mom. I love homeschooling them. It was an easy choice to have 6 kids close together because they've all been such a delight. I also felt it was very much what God would have us do as a family. What has not been so easy has been to understand what comes next for our family.
My husband and I had very strong feelings about what God had called us to do in terms of having babies at one point. Now that seems a little less clear. Could it really be that God has changed our hearts because His path for us now is changing? Or am I succumbing to the selfish desires of my heart?
When am I allowed to make 'my own decision' and when do I need an obvious Word from the Lord? When we had chosen to trust God entirely for our family size we were in a much more difficult place financially than we are now, and yet we felt the conviction in our heart and had the faith to wait on Him to provide for all our needs in various ways. Now I know that is still true: the Lord will give me the physical strength and emotional energy to keep up with the work; however, I don't feel the same moral imperative (to have more babies) in my heart that I used to.
When is a girl allowed to say, "I'm done...I think"? We have no desire at this point to be "final" about it, but to what extent am I "allowed" to give myself a break? (can you read my guilt gland acting up between the lines?)
I know if the Lord gave us 6 more children right now that I would be as ga-ga over them as I am over the first 6. I also know that He would provide for us as completely as He has up to this point. But does that mean I have to keep going until menopause kicks in? (okay, slight exaggeration. I can hear my parents and in-laws shaking their heads as they read this).
I've always believed that glorifying God with my children had little to do with how many I had, and much to do with how I raised them. So maybe 6 is enough. Maybe He has more for us. For now I am content to think that our family is full until the Lord changes my heart.
Still, I do find myself wondering if I am walking in the Lord's blessing by saying that, or if I am saying no to the blessings He is holding out to me.
| 
• Friday, November 24, 2006 - Untitled Comment
How excited I was to see you stopped by and visited my blog, for you have been on my heart all morning! :) Thank you for inviting my own thoughts on what you have posted here. I have prayed and thought about what to say. The Lord knows that I, in my human state, have found myself asking these same questions. The Lord is always faithful to lead me to His perfect will! After my sixth baby was born I was told I would not be able to have any more children. It was thought, after a test showing my hormone levels were basicly non existent, that I had been thrown into early menopause after a life threatening illness and a pregnancy quickly following that. I really soaked in the fact, at this time, that the Lord was in control of my womb, and I thought it was in His plan to close my womb for good. I am very thankful that that was NOT apart of His plan at this time, but I did come to realize that He can be trusted with this. I am often also reminded of this when I look into the eyes of my youngest child, as she came at a time when I did NOT "want" another child. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look into her huge blue eyes and wonder, "what if I had had my OWN way?". I write about this story on my blog, I think it is under the title "Our Miracle Baby".
Anyways, where the Lord keeps bringing me back to (and my husband as well) is the big picture....what is to come and why I am doing this. This is our mission field. If we do end up with 12 children, what a wonderful addition to the army of the Lord! Had we only had 2 children, by HIS will, what a wonderful addition to the army of the Lord!
There are times when my husband and I go through all the questions you are going through now. I will tell you that there has been a great peace in simply following the leading of my husband. Following him, while I am doing my best to do my part as his wife, so as to not discourage or distract him from where the Lord would lead him to. There have been times when my husband simply wants to wait and pray.
During the months in this pregnancy when I was very sick, my mother (who is a writer) wrote a story called, "The Missionary Plan". She wrote it about my husband and I. It encouraged me so much! I had asked her if I could post it on my blog yesterday....I think I will go ahead and do that now. Perhaps it will minister to you as well.
Please know the things I say to you, I am not claiming them to be God's answer for you. I trust He who knows your heart will lead you according to His way and will for the lives of you, your husband and your children. Praise the Lord that you have a heart that is willing to search it out and for trying to be sure that it isn't a selfish thing. So often when our feelings rise up in us we can be so hasty in our decision making, rather than seeking the Lord's guidance and clarity.
One last thought (before I make a book of your comment log here!)....For me, I already feel that emptiness of somebody missing when we gather around the table. That emptiness is out of my control, something I have had to trust the Father with. I know for sure that at my Thanksgiving table years from now I do not want to feel that emptiness due to something I DID have control over. I don't want to be sitting back, watching my family, wondering who is missing because I decided I was done. A chrstian woman in the grocery store the other day, looked at me and my six children with great sadness and said, "I wish I trusted the Lord, hung in there and had more." I wonder how many say those words when the day is done......