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Apr. 11, 2006
Sorry I Took so Long Maybe Im Better
Dear friends
Sorry for my
extended absence. I went to a mens conference, I'm sure it was a good
thing for most men but for me it was a bad trip. I have spent the last
weeks in a foul mood, and the thoughts that I was thinking were not fit
for the pages of a homeschool blog. I hope I'm getting better.
The topic of the mens retreat was that as Christians we are supposed to
be real and authentic. that nice and safe are not the aim of
Christianity. Jesus was a dangerous man. No one ever called for the
crucifiction of Captain Kangaroo or Miser Rogers, Jesus was tearing the
religious and political fabric of the day to shreds. And then how are
we now to follow in the footsteps of Jesus.
The
conjecture of the retreat was that we are to bond with a band of
Christian brothers to encourage and love one another. That as a group
we should seek adventure and experiences that would help to encourage
us to move on the the next step in our walk with God.
My issue is that I do not trust the company of men. My experineces with
men are not good. Although I am willing to share, I'm sure this is not
the proper time or place, I also doubt that my whining would be
particularly helpful. I am unsure of myself and hesitant perhaps even
fearful of being a man. At the same time I feel that I am becoming the
man that God desires me to be, and proud of how far I have come so far.
My retreat experience left me feeling that
once again the word from "MANLAND" was that I don't measure up. I am
sick to death of trying to measure up. My personality is such that I
will probably always seek to please those around me. Hoping for a
little scrap of validation or appreciation. Waiting like a motherless
puppy for a pat on the head.
God is once again
getting my attention. He wants me to know that satisfaction and
contentment have but one source. The praises and strokes of this
world will never satisfy.
I do have men
friends. Perhaps some day God will see fit to surround me with a band
of brothers. Maybe that would be OK. Till then I will seek a deeper
relationship with Jesus and the boys. Maybe someday I will be enough of
a man that I could accept the kisses of Judas. Maybe someday I
can comfortably accept the position Jesus offers me as his brother.
Kind of wierd. Sorry for being a Judas. Sorry for sleeping in the
garden. Sorry for needing to be smarter than you. Will you still show
me how to be a Man?
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Posted by 
Posted by smallgreenriver 
Posted by 
Apr. 14, 2006 - Deep Thoughts
Thanks for sharing again.