Oct. 21, 2008 - The Big 33

Years ago my sweet husband wrote this poem for me and I thought that I might post it today on his birthday.  I found it the other day in my Bible and I remembered why I had put it there,,,to be reminded that I am blessed and should be thankful!  Enjoy…

    Life happens everyday and why would we want it any other way?
    So much to do, so little time, printers break, children whine.
    Who will save me from this mess that I’m in?  I don’t even know where to begin.
    What, Lord, is the meaning of it all?  Babies are much cuter before they can crawl.
    Kids are like night and day, you never know what they will say.
    “You’re pretty as a moose”, “I’ve got a loose tooth”
    “Can I have some more butter?”, “Is that thing an udder?”
    How can one person ever endure, when the only time you can be sure
    That the house is semi-safe in keeping, is when all of the children are sleeping!!
    They argue and fight and they knock out the lights,
    They tear up their toys, make all sorts of noise.
    In moments so rare, they’re kind and they share
    And you can’t help but implore, “Don’t you want more?”

When I found it, I couldn’t help but laugh.  Thanks for the memories Ben!  Happy Birthday!  I love you.

This was his surprise breakfast.  N made him that little breakfast table and everyone made him cards with smarties attached!



The girls were quite happy with themselves for tricking Daddy into thinking that he was coming home to kill a HUGE spider for us, only to find a surprise breakfast.

We have a birthday tradition of decorating the living and dining room with streamers for birthday breakfasts, and this was S's contribution.  She wanted to make sure that even the floor was "pretty".  The streamers are actually taped down.  I'm sure I will be finding tape for at least a month!

What a good morning...

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Oct. 30, 2007 - Bittersweet Day

Today is a bittersweet day.

In case you are reading this and have not heard:  We lost our baby last week.  We named him Solon and are burying him today. 

We were walking through the cemetery yesterday and my sweet daughter H was sitting next to my grandmothers grave.  (Now, for background, this child has seen quite a bit of death during her short five years of life.)    She looked up at me and said, matter of factly (like she says everything), "Cemeteries are full of love Mama."

The cemetery visits that we have made during her lifetime have taught this child something that she taught me yesterday.  Cemeteries are full of love. 

Yes, yes they are.  Today they are.

Thank you all for your prayers, meals, emails, and support.  We love you.   

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May. 1, 2007 - True Beauty

Beauty.

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Mar. 12, 2007 - In Memory

I don't even claim to be a poet, but this is in honor of a little girl whose life touched mine this weekend.  May I never be the same!

ANNIE GRACE

As two become one,
God's miraculous power is shown.
A heartbeat begins.
LIFE

Preparations to be made,
and people to tell.
Names to choose.
ANTICIPATION

A morsel of doubt,
and a touch of confusion.
A wave of pain.
FEAR

Dreams slip away,
as the heartbeat fades.
The weeping begins.
GRIEF

Thoughts creep in,
and the Maker is questioned.
His faithfulness continues.
LOVE

The Body rises,
and mourns with the two.
His tears are revealed.
UNITY

Hard days to come,
but the Comforter is with them.
He surrounds.
PEACE

Some questions are answered,
and the healing slowly begins.
Blessings are seen.
HOPE

Milestones are noted,
and birthdays are celebrated.
She is always with them.
REMEMBRANCE

The two look forward,
and with joy, anticipate the reunion.
She is waiting,
WITH HIM.

LIFE

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Mar. 6, 2007 - The Perfect Balance

NOTE #1:  Read today at your own risk.  It has been a really rough day today, and what I really feel like writing is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,,,,but I will try to get feelings into words...

I've been thinking lately.  Big surprise!  Ha.  No really, after everything is 'done' in a day what has been 'accomplished'?

I've been praying, asking God to show us what He would have us do, or get done, during a normal day.  I have found, and this isn't a big surprise I'm sure, that I cannot do it all.  I'm not a supermom.  In fact, I am a flawed, impatient, unorganized, and occasionally whiney, yes whiney mom.  Just ask my husband, poor guy.  I do have good qualities, but I am a sinner, to the core. 

I have not found that illusive balance everyone is always talking about.  It seems, either my house is clean or my children have 'done' school.  I cannot do both.  I don't know what balance means.  I've searched for it, but as of yet, it still remains a mystery.  I know that God says, "ask for wisdom and I will give it" (definitely a paraphrase), and I need to ask and keep on asking. 

The verse that keeps coming back to mind is "my yoke is easy and my burden is light".  Huh?  Sure doesn't feel like it lately.  BUT, could I feel that way because I have taken on things He didn't intend for me to do?  Have I let the world's priorities become mine?  I don't know, but the Bible also says that 'in this world you will have trouble, but take heart because I have overcome the world.'  What does that mean?  What does that practically look like for me?  I have tons of questions and considerably less answers.  Keeps me searching, which I would guess, is exactly where God wants me.  In my weakness, He is shown strong.  And sufficient, and powerful, and worthy, and faithful, and loving, and compassionate, and this list could go on forever.

I am however, an example of the Gospel for my children.  Here is a part of the transcript for today's broadcast on Family Life Today.  (March 6, 2007)

Listen to what I wrote here (Dennis Rainey Speaking Here) – "As a parent, you cannot tolerate your depravity without acting depraved. You cannot lie and still represent the truth. You cannot cheat and then discipline a cheater. You cannot think you can hide your compromise from an omniscient God who promises to pass down your sin to four generations. If you want your garden to be fruitful, you can't section off a portion of it for weeds."

I went on to write, "General Omar Bradley reinforces the need for character when he says, 'We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount. The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.'"

And I conclude my section by saying this – "Today, more than ever, children need parents who are ethical giants – homegrown heroes with character." And that's what Jim has challenged us with here – a biblical concept of living messengers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What greater privilege if God uses me for no other reason as a parent but to impact my son or my daughter or all my children. What great privilege could a parent possibly have but to seeing them introduced to the living, sovereign God of the universe through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Very sobering broadcast.  Keeps me looking back at God to align myself with His will, if not just for the benefit of myself, but the benefit of my children.  Ethical giants?  Oh Lord, please help me, I cannot do that alone.  I apologize to my children daily. 

NOTE #2:  If you do happen to listen to that broadcast I have to disagree with the very last part.  They paint the picture of our children's sins being all our fault.  I do agree that we play a part, and we are a living example of the Gospel to our children, but they have original sin.  They were born sinners just like me. 

NOTE #3:  This is a fantastic article for non-homeschooling friends and family to read about expectations.  This article is from a  blog that has great advice on trying to achieve that balance.  They also have a website called Preschoolers and Peace that looks like a really good resource.  Guess I'll finish math with the boys and then go looking again for that balance.

On second thought, I think I'll ask for wisdom from the Giver of Life and then search!

Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

The administration of this blog would like to thank you for tagging along with this pathetically put together post.  We apologize for any inconvenience it causes you in the way you see our administration.  We are not perfect and never will be, so please bear with us.  Thank you.

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Mar. 3, 2007 - Heartschooling

Well...this post was supposed to go on March 1st, but it didn't' happen.  So just pretend...

You see, on Thursday we didn't homeschool, we heartschooled.  What you ask?    Here is the blog entry (Feb. 26, 2007) that suggested homeschoolers heartschool in honor of a homeschool mom that went to be with the Lord last March 1st.  Here is her blog.  I found this early on the 1st or I would have passed it on.  In fact, I want to pass it on now because I think it is a fantastic idea.

The idea being to take a day off from "formal" schooling to play with our kids.  Here is a portion of Missey's blog. She took the entire month of December off that year to be with her kids:

Life has been so laid-back and relaxed that I don't know how we'll ever get back on track come January, but I'm not going to think about that right now.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  For now, I'm enjoying making memories with my family and letting all the worries and stresses roll right off my back.  They'll be there for another day.  But for today I'm going to get my Love Bank filled back up with kisses and hugs and quiet conversations (while making those same kinds of deposits into each of my loved one's Love Banks) and regain the strength to face all those worries and stresses that will still be waiting for me come January.  I think that by then they won't seem so big anymore anyway.  ;-)

I know that I stress WAYYY too much sometimes.  I imagine this is why Jesus instructs us to not worry about tomorrow.  You never know IF there will be a tomorrow. 

Our Heartschooling Day

I began by reading some of Missey's blog, and was really touched by her love for her children and her dedication to homeschool them.  After we decided to "Heartschool", we began by making breakfast.  Well, even on play days chores have to be done, and N was loading the dishwasher.  He accidentally dropped one of my french press beakers.  Cracked right down the side.  This coffee mama was not pleased.  N looks at me and says this:   "Well mama, you love God more than you love things."  Now granted, that could have been a ploy to get out of the dog house, but it was so true, and I added "and I love you more than things too!  Don't worry about the carafe."  Good lesson to start the day with.

N and H decided that it was backwards day.  Here they are on the couch listening to me instruct them:

We then moved onto games, games, and more games.  We played checkers, chess, Life (N's wife was Annie and he had a daughter named Paint; Q's wife was named Maria and he had a son named Nate and a daughter named Nana; H's husband was named Bob and she had a son/daughter named Pontrin......don't you remember the game of Life?  What fun!), and various educational games from our school room.  (I had to drag those out,,,stickler that I am) 

We talked, made snacks, ate them, and then chatted some more.  We read books and snuggled under the covers.  We read more books and snuggled under the covers, outside.  In the afternoon, we worked together on a few projects, went outside to draw pictures, and then made dinner.  Altogether, it was a great day.  A good reminder for me as to why we started homeschooling.  So often, I get caught up in the "have we done everything" mentality and forget to just be with my children. 

It saddens me as to why we had a Heartschooling Day, but God can use any situation to bring Him glory.  He has used the death of this precious homeschooling mama to lead other precious homeschooling mamas to re-examine their hearts toward their children.  To God Be the Glory! 

Here's to more Heartschooling Days in the future... 

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Feb. 20, 2007 - A Burning Goal

Why the half marathon?  Why put myself through this maddening torture?  I asked myself these questions last week on a too early, everyone else is in bed, kinda run.  I bundled myself up with every conceivable warm thing I could find.  Gloves, hat, two shirts, jacket...etc.  I get outside and it is snowing.  Now, I like to run in the rain, so I thought, 'hey, this will be great, plus there is no way I'm unbundling myself to go inside and get on some moving strip to look at the wall for thirty minutes." 

Well, most normal people know, (and now I can add myself to this list), that snow is not rain.  It is little tiny, freezing cold precipitation, that when you add wind becomes little tiny, freezing cold bullets.  Right in my face.  I have no idea how it happened, but any direction I ran that morning was right into the line of fire.  After about two minutes of arctic conditions, with my eyebrows quickly turning to ice, is when I questioned my decision to go for this thing in April.

What was I thinking?  I'm running down streets, before sun up, looking longingly at the houses that are all dark.  You know, the ones where there isn't a single light on because they are all SLEEPING!!!  I'm imagining what it is like for these people who are just waking up and putting the coffee on.  Shuffling in the kitchen in their warm slippers and robe...mmm...coffee.......I bring myself back to reality just in time to miss a truck parked on the side of the road.  Hey, that might end this crazy marathon dream...might be worth considering.........nah... 

It is so quiet on our streets that if I would just stand still for a few minutes I might fall into some hypothermic sleep and then I wouldn't have to worry about this half marathon thing at all.  That is, unless when you get to Heaven you have to finish what you start on Earth.  (Please don't write me about the doctrinally unsoundness of this comment,,,or about the fact that I'm a homeschooler and just used the words doctrinally and unsoundness...it's late and I'm grumpy) 

Well, jump ahead a little with me here.  We have had several birthdays and are cleaning at our house like mad.  Runs have been few and far between the last two weeks.  I have ten weeks left and the serious training (serious as in, if you want to finish, you don't skip runs kind of serious) starts now so tonight  I drag my, did not want to go outside and run body, onto the roads.  

I'm ready.  I have my IPOD charged up with new Cash songs, it's a great night...very clear, and cool, but not freezing...and after a few days off I feel renewed to press on...First few minutes I feel great.  Legs feel spectacular and my breathing is steady.  Then it starts.  The burning in my legs.  I realize my mistake in taking so many days off...I knew I was gonna pay...just then Johnny sings "and it burns, burns, burns, this ring of fire, this ring of fire..."  I couldn't even bring myself to laugh.  It wasn't funny.

Thing is,,,I still don't feel like a runner.  I don't look like a runner or even run like a runner.  I'm incredibly slow.  Most runners I know live to run.  I live to live.  I run to feel good and take care of myself.  Why did I choose the half marathon?  I wanted to set a goal and achieve it.  You see, in my life I have many goals.  Many things that I'm working toward, as a Christian, as a wife, and as a mother.  Problem is, most goals are long term or short lived.  If the goal is to raise healthy, well adjusted kids, then I won't see the results of working toward this for years.  If the goal is a clean house, or clean room for that matter, the results last about exactly three minutes. 

Still, I'm called to press on.  Some goals will not be achieved this side of Heaven, or at least I won't see  all the results of them.  If I teach my children to love, and they teach their children, and they teach their children, I will not see the final results of this goal.  Praise God!  This is why I am to press on toward the goal without ceasing to do good, because God can see the whole picture, while I can see only part.  I'm to obey. 

Well, I don't know everything that God has planned for me, and I don't know the full scope of everything He wants me to achieve.  Right now, it's training for this half so that I can run in remembrance of my son Jeffrey.  If I do nothing else but finish, I have learned something, and hopefully taught my children something as well.  To finish what they start.  Even if it's tough.

But really, I get a cute little medal that cannot be messed up in three minutes, and I was too chicken to run the full marathon anyway...

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Feb. 18, 2007 - Boring Gravity

My husband and I have what some would call a strange relationship.  Strange conversations would be more like it though...or maybe it's just Ben's sense of humor???  Hmmm...

He treated me to a new Johnny Cash cd for Valentines Day.  Disc one is very good...disc two...well, no one ever stays true on that cd, so I don't think that one will get much use around here.  (On a side note, isn't country music grand???  I mean the right songs that is...they tell great stories.  But, this is from a girl that grew up listening to Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn, Kenny Rogers, etc...)  ANYWAY, we (Ben and I, in case you were too caught up in my country past to remember what I was talking about) were discussing how Johnny has such a deep and unique voice.  Ben's says "it's because he's tall."  ???  What???  Then he proceeds to tell me "you are taller in the morning than you are in the evening."  ??? Huh? Strange comment, strange thought...where did that come from?

You would have to be a fly on the wall in our marriage and privy to our dating stories to understand why, when Ben says a thing like this to me, I immediately doubt.  I've been had more than once to say the least.  My husband is a brilliant engineer, very smart, and sometimes his brain goes into overdrive and he says some things that sound completely logical, but are completely bogus, just to appease his sometimes sick sense of humor.

Well...I looked it up.  He may have won me all those years ago with his cute little ploys, (still won't read Poe because of this) but I'm older and wiser now :)  I check before I believe...though I do love to drag it out a while and enjoy seeing just how far he'll go with his story...anyway, it's true.  You are taller after a nights sleep.  Try it, reach up in the morning and then try to reach up in the evening.  See if you see a difference.  Gravity. 

Well...we cleaned all day yesterday (alone thanks to my in-laws) making jokes about not being able to reach something anymore...as in..."I know I could just reach this a minute ago."  Darn gravity.  "Man, sure wish I could reach this,,,guess we'll have to wait until first thing in the morning..."  Darn gravity.

Fast forward to today.  S is napping, the kids are playing quietly upstairs for a rest time...I'm bored.  I have so many things that I could be doing.  I want to do precisely none of them.  We evaluate the options available on a limited budget (i.e. free).  Nothing sounds appealing.  Reading?  Nope.  Movie?  Nope.  Park?  Maybe later after S wakes up.  Ben says, "well, I could chase you around the room with a stick."  I choose Yahtzee.

Ben is soooooooooooooooooooooo competitive.  Must be a man thing. hehe... Anyone who knows me and read that is laughing.  I'm at least as competitive, if not more so.  Can't help it.  I should probably do the nice little wife thing and let him win, but I can't.  I've tried.  Don't ask me at what because it was so long ago that I've forgotten, but I know that it felt very wrong!  Nobody ever gets any better at something unless they are challenged, I reason.

Truth be told, my husband's sense of humor makes life a lot more fun.  He makes boring days interesting and everyday tasks bearable.  He's my favorite.  

Well...I'm going to take my own advice and challenge him to another game of Yahtzee, because he's killing me today...and I don't like it...it just feels so wrong!  :)

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Feb. 4, 2007 - A Living Hope

A perfect sunset, snowy but calm weather, and four smiling children with balloons starts my post. 

We let happy birthday balloons go off for Jeffrey tonight.  This is the third time we have done this and it was easier this time.  The kids were excited just to have balloons in their hands for a minute and when they let them go, Sonora said 'bye bye bah bah'. 

I watched as all four floated away and listened as Ben played Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus on the harmonica.  It was a really sweet moment.  I could just imagine God scooping up the balloons and handing them to Jeffrey and saying 'child, these are from your family down there and they just wanted you to know that they still love and miss you,,,,But, I'm so glad you are here'...(giant hug ensues)...you get the idea. 

Kind of corny but that is just what I imagined as I watched them fade from view.

Something I love:  I love the fact that my husband makes an effort to hide God's word in his heart.  He sometimes surprises me with what he has learned, and on the way home he quotes this to me:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I knew what it was.  It is 1 Peter 1:3-9.  I know this because it is on Jeffrey's tombstone.  We put it there because this passage meant so much to us during that time.  Still does today.  We have a living hope.  A living hope!  Not a dead hope.  Not the hope of this world, but a living hope.  The hope of Him.  Not just the hope of seeing Jeffrey, perfect, perfectly loved, in heaven, but the hope of seeing his Creator.  The One who knit Jeffrey together and made his heart beat, his hands fly, and his little legs kick for just a short time.  The same One who made the heavens and sustains everything that lives.  Him.  I love him even though I cannot see Him, and as those balloons touched heaven tonight, I kind of wished that I was with them so that God would scoop me up and take me home as well.  That way I could hear Him say "Child, I'm so glad you're here..." (Bear hug ensues)...  You get the idea...

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Feb. 3, 2007 - Bittersweet Laughter

This time of year is tough for me.  Has been for three years straight now.  Three years ago today, I walked into a doctors office 20 weeks pregnant and walked out knowing that my baby had died.  Tonight was the first time in quite a while that I pulled out his little box of mementos.  I read all the cards and books, and looked at the little clothes he wore for such a short time.  I touched the cast they made of his legs and feet and held his tiny teddy bear in my palm. 

Then, I cried.  I cried for what could have been.  I cried for my own pain.  I cried because it is one of the only times I have seen my husband brought to tears.  I cried for Jeffrey. 

He was our fourth child.  Eagerly anticipated.  Wanted by many, and loved.  He would have brought belly laughs, smiles, giggles, and I'm sure frustration into this house.  God had other plans.

A while after we lost Jeffrey I was driving down the road, alone.  I felt God say 'turn the radio off' and I did.  God did not speak the next words to me, but I felt the message so overwhelmingly that I burst into tears and laughter on that dark road.  He said that he was going to bless us with another child.

He did.  Our daughter was born a year later, four days before Jeffrey's birthday.  Her middle name is Elisabeth, which means God's Promise.  She is the ham of our family, loving all the attention that a fourth child attracts.  She was really putting it on tonight.  

We have had an extremely busy week this week and tonight was our first night to just be.  What just being looks like for us, is a lot of dancing, wrestling, and impromptu plays.  Lots of laughter, mostly AT the kids.  Quinn said that I was freezing hot, and Sonora walked around squeezing her cheeks together with her hands making a lovely sound.  Nate sat on the couch with a belly ache and even he couldn't keep from laughing.  Harper laughed so hard  that she was mixed up enough to dance with her brother.  They went so far as to get dressed up and bow and curtsy.  Would have been very cute had it not been for Quinn's last minute reluctance (dance fright) and Harper's (hands on hips) insistence that he complete what he started.  Hilarious.  

Lots of laughter tonight.  It was like balm to my soul.  I needed it.  God used it to give me joy for weeping.     

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