Have you seen the movie? I mean; the actual movie entitled Facing The Giants. It is very good. Excellent in fact. The Giants are a football team; but also each of the little things standing as Giants in the way of each person's faith. At one point, the wife of the coach is asked if she will still love God even if she cannot get pregnant. Then, in one climactic scene; the she exits a Dr.s office after having a negative pregnancy test for the upteenth time -- completely devasted. This is her giant. "Yes God," she cries. "Yes God I will still love you.... Yes I will still love youl" over and over. It is a highly moving scene impossible to describe in print; perhaps impossible to understand unless you have begged God for a pregnancy and watched the whole rest of the movie!
A few weeks ago, it became very clear to me that my surgery in December had not permanently fixed anything. I had a cold; and suddenly I was once again struggling to breathe. I was alone with four children; and scared. I got over my cold; but as soon as help arrived; I went back in for my follow up cat scan. By the next day, my Dr. was once again on the phone. "It doesn't look good," he said, "In fact, the report says it is worse then before." Well if you haven't read my previous blog -- before was an 85% blockage in my trachia. I knew it wasn't as bad as that; I was and am functioning at a much better level then back in December. As long as I don't have a cold.
Over the next week before my follow up; I began to get more and more hoarse. At the follow up, Dr. Cummings had me walk up and down two flights of stairs. "Nope, it's not as bad as before -- you would never have made it before. But, we have to do something -- you are at least at 75%." I asked if that was what was making me hoarse and he confirmed. My diagnosis is an Ideopathic Subglottic Stenosis. Which basically means "There is something growing in your trachia below your vocal chords for no apparent reason, and we have no idea what it is; but it's not cancer." He recommended a surgery where a TTube is inserted and the skin heals and then the TTube is removed. What he didn't tell me then was that he will also be removing cartilage from my ribs and creating a bigger trachial opening in that section.
Driving home from church one day, it hit me. My voice may never return. My voice. My song. Always, I have had my voice. I sang in various musical leads and State and National choral groups all through high school , and completed a Music Performance degree with a full recital in college. After college, I sang in a semi-professional group in Ann Arbor MI. Most recently, I have not performed as often in the public eye, yet I have happily taught voice lessons for 3 years even though my voice was not what it used to be; sharing my faith with my skill as often as I could. What will I do without my voice? It is such a part of me. It is such a part of my walk with the Lord. It is such a part of who I am. This is my Giant. Will I still love God without my voice? Of course I will. Won't I? Mustn't I?
Yes God, I will still love you even if I never sing another lullaby. Yes God, I will still love you; even if I never raise my voice again in praise. Yes God, I will still love you even as my song stays only in my heart. Yes, God, I will still love you. I Will.I will still love you.
My surgery is scheduled for May 30 at 7:30 a.m. Please pray.
I will be praying and lifting you up!! I need to go and see that movie as I am struggling with the same feelings and issues although for a very different reason.
YES! you will because your heart and commitment to the goodness of God is bigger than your voice. I know this because when your voice was BIG, I heard it. But, I have seen your heart grow bigger for God as your voice has gotten smaller. Your BIGGEST sister knows this about you, too... Being there for your kids is a bigger giant, and a bigger fear than losing your voice. Here, too, God will provide and prevail.
That scene in Facing the Giants has gone through my mind several times in the last few months. Your spirit throughout your blog has blessed me. May we all still love God with all our heart, soul, and might.
The bottom line is; We try not to insist on parent-led learning or gravitate toward child-led learning. We try instead to focus on God-led learning and ask for His input and perspective on every aspect of our home school. That way, when others fuss about what Dan and I are doing and make me second guess our decisions -- I can go back to our decision process and find God's fingerprints, reminding me that this is His way.
