Mar. 9, 2008 - Choosing a Church -- What Would You Do?
Choosing a Church -- What Would You Do?
Our family is in the middle of a church dilemna. For over a year, we have been attending a church about 40 minutes from our home. We have been driving to church on Sunday mornings, and back for AWANA on Sunday evenings. This has been the limit of our involvement, due to distance. We have found a church with a Worship policy we agree with, a preaching philosophy we agree with, a family-centered worship experience, (over 140 children in the service), support for both large families and homeschooling, and an excellent AWANA program. On the other hand, it is 40 minutes away, and we do not live near enough to any other people in the church to participate in any sort of ministry! We are not used to being so uninvolved. Recently, we also "upgraded" to a Suburban and guess what? It is now costing us $16 each trip to go to church. Now of course, that is just one more reason we are frustrated with our church situation. So, today, we attended another church about 25 minutes away, with many people in the church living within 10 minutes of our home; though we would still be out of the normal range of community. The church is also located on my husband's way home from work, meaning that weekday involvement becomes possible for both of us. Each round trip from home by mileage would cost us about $8. This church would allow us to "get involved" in a much more active way more like what we are used to. They also have a large homeschool population within the church, and actually have a homeschool coop we could be involved in. However, only twelve children attended the service and they were all older then ours, the worship policy allows for what I call "mindless repetition" of choruses, and the preaching was less then what we have come to expect. Then there is the close church -- five minutes away, $3 in gas round trip, better music, topical and often unscriptural sermons, no children in the service, mostly career Moms, two other homeschool families, all small families that look at us like we are out of our minds when we walk in with four kids. We attended this church for several months trying to make it work when we first arrived in our new home. What would you do? Would you stick with the church whose philosophies and families look most like your own? Would you be salt and light in a church near home where you have no one like yourself, and sermons are less then edifying? Would you go half way, driving some, to be in a church with at least some level of homeschool support and edification? I realize I have no way of really telling you everything about our church options, but I just am curious. What is your gut reaction? Leave me a comment and tell me what you think.
Well, you asked what I would do, not what I think you should do, so here goes...actually we are in the midst of looking for a new church home. What we are leaving is great preaching, close location, but no feeling of "family". Even when we try to get involved, it doesn't always work out and I have yet to make a friend after nine years. I would go for the fellowship over anything else. The good preaching and worship style becomes meaningless if there is no one there who cares whether you show up or not. Fortunately we have more than 3 choices and we are starting with the ones close by. After all, it's SOOO much easier to be involvled if you are close. You didn't ask what I think you should do, but I'll tell you anyway (lol). It sounds like you already gave the close church a try and couldn't make it work, so I would try with the middle church. Give it a year...if it doesn't work out, maybe a new church plant will open up in the meantime. Even if the preaching is somewhat mediocre, you can make up for it with a meaty bible study group. Good luck!
Personally, I'd stick with the church 40 minutes away. Just from reading what you said, it sounds like it's the best fit for your family. Maybe you could think out of the box, and come up with a way to still be more involved in that church. Maybe you could work out a plan with several families in the church- like you bring lunch for all in a crock pot and they let you hang out at their house Sunday afternoon, so that you can attend morning and evening with only one trip? Or if there's a weekday activity you're interested in, maybe you could go and tag on another ministry opportunity with one trip, like helping out a new mom for a couple of hours. I'm just trying to help you brainstorm here. We are a military family, so unfortunately we get to church hunt every couple of years. The good part is, if we don't like the church situation, at least it's not permanent. :-) I pray you and your dh can come to a decision you're happy with.
That's really tough, but here's a pastor's wife's take on the whole thing. (No, I don't think that makes me an expert, it just gives me a different perspective.)
Church (to me) is about family, not necessarily your close family, but the family of Christ. It's about lifting eachother up and helping eachother follow Christ as well as possible. That's really hard to do if you're so far away. On the other hand, if you feel so alien in a church that you don't feel like family, that doesn't work either.
I would give the middle distance church a good shot. Pastor's are human, and that pastor may just have been having a bad day or even month. It happens to everyone, and age ranges in churches can change very quickly. Who knows, maybe there's another family with kids your ages that doesn't go because there aren't any others.
If I still didn't feel comfortable, I'd probably go back to the 40 minute church and try to find ways to get more involved. Maybe suggest an email or phone prayer group? Prayer is ministry you can do anywhere. Are you near a nursing home that houses a church member?
Of course, in the end, you have to do what seems right for your family. May I suggest though, before you leave (if you leave), especially if you may be back, talk to the pastor and tell him/her why you're shopping around. It's very hard on a pastor and staff when people leave without saying why. Congregations love to play a guessing game when that happens.
Don't worry; I'm sure God will lead you where He wants you to go!
Jennifer
We drive an hour for good solid preaching. Our older children love it. Our younger ones benefit. But after a year and half, we've not met anyone in this megachurch. It takes more concentrated effort to make sure the children grow in all aspects of being a Christian. But we had been greatly involved in churches that weren't on the same page. As much as the children learned about everything from being persecuted for the stand they took, to church politics, to being an example that some looked to, it still wore us out and took an emotional toll. It also divided us in that what one parent could handle, the other had trouble digesting--as far as picking your battles. Sometimes it's not what's perfect, but what season is this for our family. Ours is out of the heavy fellowship phase and in the learning phase.
I"ve BTDT, Amy. It is no fun when you are far from your church family. Had been 35-ish minutes, now it is 12-ish minutes. But, we had the opportunity to physically move closer to our church; doesn't sound like that is an option for you :o). Fellowship is such a huge part of walking with Christ -- He didn't plan for us to do this on our own. And, as hard as it is to belive, using our resources wisely (gas!)must factor into our decision these days. Sounds like a tough decision, but I know God'll lead you to the right place to not only worship, but serve and fellowship as well!
The bottom line is; We try not to insist on parent-led learning or gravitate toward child-led learning. We try instead to focus on God-led learning and ask for His input and perspective on every aspect of our home school. That way, when others fuss about what Dan and I are doing and make me second guess our decisions -- I can go back to our decision process and find God's fingerprints, reminding me that this is His way.
