Jesus,

It has been a very hard day. I broke down and wept in front of the children. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I miss Hannah so much. I know you know that already but I know that you don't mind me telling you again.

I remember the day after Hannah died I recalled the scripture where You wept when You saw Martha and Mary weeping over Lazarus' death. Your heart was broken for them and yet You knew you were going to raise Lazarus from the dead! The comfort I received from that was deep. It reached into my heart and I knew that  You were going to be there for me in the very same way.

Today, I ache so bad to hold my Hannah just one more time. I wish I could. Then I wish I could hold her just one more time after that. But  I can't. It is ok though because in the midst of my heartache and longing I can sense the same tears that were shed so long ago for Martha and Mary trickling down Your face and falling onto my broken heart.

Thank you so much!

With all my love,

Heather

Ribbons of Light streaming down from heaven,

Entwine my heart,

Reinforce my soul,

Knit together my broken heart,

Weave in strength needed to make this day a worthy offering;

A gift, wrapped up and tied with Ribbons of Light streaming down from heaven.

I think the times when I miss Hannah the most is when the mother in me realizes that she is in a place where I cannot get in touch with her. I can't just pick up the phone and say hi to her or at least talk to whoever is taking care of her and ask if she is doing alright. The part of my heart that was set aside for Hannah has not gotten used to having nothing to do.

I remember the few weeks after she died I would lay in bed and try to imagine her in my arms. I thought if I crossed my arms just right and thought hard enough I could pretend she was there. One night, I think God had mercy on me and I was able to "hold" her one more time.  As I was going to sleep I had the feeling that I had when I would cuddle her in my arms when she was a little baby or sick.  It happen only once and it was a sweet release in a time of heartbreak.

I think that part of my grieving is coming to the realization that Hannah is no longer in my responsibility and I think that will take time for me to get used to that idea. Wasn't it my goal to get her into heaven? She is with Jesus. The same Jesus that wanted the children to come to him. The Jesus that said if anyone harmed them it would be better to have a millstone tied around there neck and be thrown into the see. The same Jesus that gave is life in hopes that someone might come to the Father through him. The same Jesus that said he would go and prepare a place for us.

I am very thankful that one day I do have the opportunity to see my little girl again. I don't know if she will be little or big. I am sure when we meet I really won't care. Because I will be in heaven with God and Jesus and will understand what a short time I had to wait to see my Hannah again.

This is supposed to be my rest time but I keep thinking about the blogspot that my daughter helped me set up yesterday. I want to write something but I really don't know what to right about. Do I say that I am a happily married woman who has had the privledge to give birth to 10 beautiful children?

Or do I talk about the fact that I love the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart? And I am not perfect just because I have "all those kids." But I think the fact that I do have all those children make me realize that I have many eyes watching me and so therefor I had better watch it.

As I sit here and mull about my existence and the things that I have been through it makes me realize what a "blessed by God" life I do have. I have come to this conclusion on the heels of losing my 14 month old daughter to a tragic accident. And yet, I have an extreme or should I say a calm that is miraculous. God has my daughter and yet I have more faith and trust in Him than I ever have had in my whole life. I just recieved an e-mail from a friend who knows a mutual unsaved friend. She thinks the way I am responding to my baby's death is weird. But I say it is miraculous. I want to shake her and make her realize that she could have the very same peace as I do for her everyday life but unless she places her will in God's hands she is only going to go as far as her strength will take her. If she trusted in God, the sky is the limit.

Don't get me wrong, it is not like I don't have times of silently crying myself to sleep in hopes of not waking the sleeping child next to me. I have noticed lately at the amount of tears that I am able to produce at one time. When I have one of my moments of deep grief my tear ducts seem to open and it is not tears that come but flooding streams. But I must admit, after being "washed by the water", I feel cleansed. I am able to go on for a while longer. God is teaching me to look into His eyes when I am seeking direction for the future. Not to look past Him or behind my back. Only this moment, minute and hour. Not at tomorrow for today has enough problems of its own. I totally get that verse now and will stay in my spiritual playpen from now on.

Enough for now, we are heading to some future friend's house for dinner. I say that because we don't know each other very well but they have invited us over to cure that. They are acquaintances through my son's boy scout troop. But because of circumstances surrounding my daughter's death they wanted to get to know us better. It will be good.

Blessings!