File this one under, "You Blew It!"  Today, I was at the grocery store with my 3 kiddos.  I passed a woman I used to work with, way back when.  When I finally remembered her name, I said, "Jenny?"  She remembered me and we talked a bit about what we'd been up to in the past decade.  When I told her I homeschooled my kids, her comment was, "Wow, you're so brave!  I wish I could do that!"  And what did I say?  "Well, it's not for everyone but it's worked out well for us."  Oh, man, if only I could rewind that conversation!  I always try to encourage people to homeschool, if (and only if) they give the slightest hint that they would like to IF they could.  And here was a great opportunity to gently encourage her to try it, a chance to tell her that I'm not brave, just determined (and stubborn!)  Now, looking back, I remembered that she is a single mom so maybe she really couldn't homeschool because she has to work during the day.  That is only a slight comfort.  I just wish I could have made a better remark.  Oh, if you only knew me!  I come across so much better on the page than I do in person!  If my feet weren't a size 10, they'd be in my mouth more than on the ground! 

I really don't know what's happened to me.  I used to have my own business, built from the ground up.  I had to sell my services as a typesetter to complete strangers, cold-calling so to speak.  I used to write a complete monologue for a women's monthly luncheon and speak in front of the 20-80 ladies who would attend.  No problem.  Ad lib was a cinch.  If they laughed, so much the better!  Now, I stumble to find the right words in conversation.  Maybe it's the 10 years I've spent in the company of little people, where the conversation is usually something like, "Stop telling your brother to shut up", "Don't touch your sister",  "Be nice", etc., etc.  Or the ever popular (at least at our house) "Do you need to go potty?"  They hate that last one, because I'm usually right!  I digress, as I often do.  My point is that I think my ability to have an intelligent conversation has waned in the past few years.  I try to discuss current events with my dh, in an effort to appear intellectual.  I try to WOW him with my knowledge of a subject that he didn't know I knew anything about.  He's not usually impressed though he's the hardest person in the world to impress.  I have to admit, adult conversation is not something I get very much of.  So, I need to not be so hard on myself as, like anything else, if you don't use it, you lose it.   

The other thing I realized today is when I meet people in town or wherever, I tend to discuss what my husband is doing (I did that today, too).  It scares me to think I'm losing my identity behind his.  I don't want that.  I don't think submitting to my husband, as the Bible says, means I lose who I am.  But that's how I've been feeling lately.  Is it jealously?  Paranoia?  PMS?  I don't know.  I'm very proud of my husband for what he's accomplished.  I do not wish to take that away from him, nor do I want to be "more accomplished" than he is.  But I think I know why writing is so important to me.  I've said this before - when I attended a women's writing workshop 8 years ago, the speaker said that women have a need to be heard.  I started crying when she said that.  Because it's true, at least for me.  But heard by whom?  What is the attention I think I need or that I am seeking?  These are questions I need to seek the answers to, honestly and with the Lord. 

Summary:  I need to practice more adult conversation with my 11-1/2 yo, who really wants to be an adult anyway.  He can talk about almost anything.  He needs to work on listening, however!  I need to remember that while I am Todd's wife, I am Kate first.  I just remembered a conversation I had with a good friend, many years ago.  We were talking about times we said things that we wished we could take back.  How we agonized about them.  It dawned on me that most people agonize about what they said, not about what other people said.  Therefore, we don't need to worry about what other people think because those people are worrying about THEIR words, not ours!  Does that make sense?  I'll bet Jenny has completely forgotten our conversation.  I could pray for her.  I feel better.