Three's a Crowd

Jul. 18, 2008

In Need Of Wisdom

Here's a good question: How does one teach responsibility to one's children?

I am open to any and all suggestions. I've about had it up to "here" with my oldest. He'll be 13 next week and I truly believe that he should be more responsible than he is. I am not expecting too much from him. But I know he can certainly do better than the status quo.

My husband and I went for a walk up the hill after dinner tonight. It was really nice to just be the two of us. Anyway, I asked, "How do you teach responsibility?" Then I thought, "Hey, there's a whole group of smart moms that are kind enough to read my blog - maybe they can help me out!"

So there it is ... responsibility. What can I do?

• Post A Comment! • Send to a Friend!

Comments

Jul. 19, 2008 - Me too!

Posted by deedeeuk

I am looking forward to reading answers you get to this one!

The one thing we are doing is making them live in the consequences of their actions (or inactions as the case may be). If they don't look after something and it gets broken or lost - too bad! And no replacements! We think this is a start, but we have a looooong way to go. Hopefully I can find some real wisdom here in the answers you get too!

• Permanent Link

Jul. 19, 2008 - These are just "my opinion"

Posted by Anonymous

Teaching responsibility.

1. The learn by watching us. We as adults have to display responsible behavior.

2. Swift, uncomfortable, CONSISTENT, consequences when irresponsibility, disrespect, or rebellion is displayed.

3. Bob Shultz has written some GREAT books on boyhood. www.visionfourm.com
Beyond Boyhood and Created for Work.

4. Healthy Fear of God.

5. Remove the world. It is counter productive.
Remove everything that is counter productive. Poor friends, poor tv choices, poor video games, poor music choice, poor clothing choices, and so on.
Remove it.

6. Be the parent. We as parents WILL give an account to God on Judgement day for how we raised HIS children that were intrusted to us. The children, are on loan from God, to us.

7. Do not listen to "well boys will be boys" and "its just hormones" and "well thats what i did and i turned out ok"
Lies Lies Lies
It is satans trick to keep the child from coming to Christ.

8. We have 2 choices in eternity.
Smoking, and Non Smoking.
Unfathomable darkness and Beautiful Light.
Gnashing of Teeth, and Peace, Love
Unquenchable Fire..........and Christ

As parents, it is COMMANDED of us to lay the proper Foundation.

It's not too late. Don't give up.
But don't, give in.

Laura

• Permanent Link

Jul. 19, 2008 - DUH Anonymous is ME!!

Posted by Dizzy

Sorry, forgot to log in.

Proverbs 1:7
7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Proverbs is so rich and full of perfect parenting advice.
Laura

• Permanent Link

Jul. 19, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Anonymous

My son will be 13 in October, and this is one of his bad habits as well. Not sure what genius thing to add, although I do appreciate Proverbs and such.
One thing I did notice was when I gave him extra responsibility that seemed to make him really proud and he bent over backwards to live up to my expectations. He really wants to be treated older than he is, but sometimes...I just want to laugh, 'cause he acts 8!
But when I say things like, "I really trust you and now that you're older I'm going to let you do XYZ (let you walk from the car to the store next door, while I'm in Safeway?)
when he rises to the occasion and is responsible and safe, I praise him and he just beams. It seems like the rest of the day, he rises to the occasion with the mundane things of life, like chores and schoolwork.

Emily
thelearningneverstops.blogspot.com

• Permanent Link

Jul. 22, 2008 - Little Boy Vs Young Man

Posted by 40winkzzz

I agree w/your first commenter about implementing real-life consequences (ala Kevin Leman's "Reality Discipline", the "Boundaries" books, "Love & Logic", etc). However, hubby and I are, unfortunately, not so consistent when it comes to actually doing those things. 'Twould be better if we were. Consistency is huge.

One thing we have found success with, however, is that which Emily mentioned above-- expectations, trust, & praise. We have been making a real effort to treat our almost-13-y/o like a young man rather than a little boy, and we have noticed a big difference. (NOT perfection by any means, just a difference.) Case in point-- I just took a week-long family reunion vacation with just the 2 younger kids and had been concerned abt having to deal w/Spaz' mouthiness, disobedience, etc. Before we left, Huz laid down the expectations for Spaz and reminded him that he needed to be an asset (WITH the "et" :-) and not a liability. I told him he needed to be NOT a "little boy" that his mom needed to take care of and discipline, but a "young man" who could help his mom out in Dad's absence. He really did rise to the occasion.

My tone of voice with him also makes a big difference. If I bark orders to him or act like an exasperated mother dealing with a bratty, irresponsible boy (which IS in fact sometimes the case!), he tends to respond in kind. If I speak to him more on an "adult" level, I tend to get better results. NOT always, but it helps. And as you have probably noticed, Dad's involvement as a man-to-man thing is crucial at this age.

Sorry, this was way too long, even after I edited out a bunch of stuff. It was the timing, just having had the vacation experience & all....

Edited by 40winkzzz on Jul. 22, 2008 at 9:06 AM

• Permanent Link

Jul. 22, 2008 - I ought to blog this

Posted by Stephanie10

Hmmm, well, five years ago, our oldest was 13 (nearly 14) and honestly!, I could not believe I still had to remind even the older ones to make their beds every morning!

I had mainly been nagging and threatening and really resisted the idea of rewarding (bribing, in my view) for jobs that I thought should be done without punishment or reward.

But...I was so sick of my nagging (imagine how the children must have felt!) that I felt compelled to try *something*.

What I did was complicated. For each child, I figured out every basic chore I wanted them to complete each day (brushing teeth, making bed, getting dressed already!, gathering or sorting laundry, clearing the table, rinsing dishes, unloading the dishwasher, etc.). I added in school subjects (and often a time amount; e.g., reading--30 minutes) for appropriate days of the week and also weekly chores (stripping bed sheets, vacuuming, disinfecting bathrooms, etc.). Each chore that I expected to be completed was worth one point.

Then, for each child, I added up the number of points I expected them to receive each week, typically a few points short of doing everything everyday. (For example, the oldest had a possible weekly point total of 85, but her goal was 82 points/week.) I did the same with monthly totals and goals.

What if a child began the week slowly, but gained motivation at the middle? I added in lots of bonus point possibilities: cheerful attitude, extra jobs (the kiddoes helped me with this one), playing with a younger sibling, helping siblings with their chores (one point for every chore assisted), etc.

For weekly rewards, the children could choose things like: an ice cream cone, play a game with mom or dad, pick from a box of dollar items I would purchase each month, a certain amount of time at the computer. Monthly rewards were bigger: a picnic, visit to Moon Farm or the park, I don't actually remember all the sweet prize possibilities.

Hmmm all of that detail was probably unnecessary. (And it's not half the details I could have included!) Anyway, I could not believe the difference in my children!! Their attitudes improved, the chores got done, my attitude improved, and consistency became normal.

After two years of operating this system, the kids weaned themselves from it. They were doing their chores now without being asked, and the rewards had lost their luster. (Plus I was tired of the rows of posterboard circles down the hallway.)

So, all this to say: don't be afraid to motivate through rewards for awhile, if that's what it takes to build responsible habits.

• Permanent Link

Jul. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Mama2Ways

This is a wonderful post. I am gleaning so many ideas and wisdom from the experienced moms. I also deal this with my oldest while my youngest seems to have been born with a sense of responsiblity.

Thanks!
Adriana

• Permanent Link

Jul. 24, 2008 - :)

Posted by CelticMom

Hi Kate,

I know this may seem out-of-order, but this is truly the best way we've found to instill responsibility in our sons:

Give it to them.

That's it. When we have heaped responsibility on them, they suddenly take themselves seriously, and rise to the occasion. For instance: let's say you can't get them to make their bed without a reminder. Quit reminding them, just convey to them that you assume that they know to do that, and move on to a more weighty goal, like taking the dog for a one mile walk every morning before breakfast. I think that we as parents get too bogged down with the minutest of details that we actually keep our young men boys far longer than we have the right to. As my mother has said, "Don't leave your man a boy."

I blogged about our parental responsibilities and expectations of our children today, if you're interested in it.

Hope you're getting things figured out for what works for your family! Have a lovely weekend.

love,
Shani

• Permanent Link

About Me

Learning and living with my husband and three children on the northern-most tip of the Oregon Coast.