Jul. 10, 2006 - What Will They Remember?
Recently I seemed to be constantly running across reading materials on the subject of legalism and toxic faith. One book was a sociological study of the group my family was part of at one time (given to me by another former member who's my age), and another was a memoir written by a woman who was raised in an abusive, unhappy home by parents who called themselves Christians and attended a fundmentalist Calvinist church. I've decided not to name the books--naming the first one would give away the name of the cult my family was part of and open me up as a target to that group, and the second one wasn't terribly edifying, although it did bring me a lot of conviction about how I parent and how I live my faith.
Anyway, all of this makes me wonder (and worry some) about how my children will look back on our family when they're grown. If they ever write memoirs, will they be expose's of the hypocrisy of their parents and their church? Or will they recall a warm, loving childhood full of real people with real faults, but who also show the love of Christ in their words and actions. Will my children recall anger and yelling and capriciously dealt swats? Or calm, loving, and just discipline, meted out rarely and kindly? Will they remember fights on the way to church and then the quick-change to false happiness the minute we step in the front door? Or a nearly constant state of peace and joy in the family, no matter what the situation? Will they remember that we pushed them away, didn't want them underfoot, didn't have enough time for them? Or will they remember their parents working with them, playing with them, teaching them, hugging them, reading to them? Will they remember legalism and coldness at church? Or will they remember a loving community of believers?
I recognize that at some point my children will have to make their own choices about faith and life. But what a shame it will be if they actually have reason to use me as an excuse for their rejection of God and values.
Our children will remember. The question is: What will they remember?
Comments
Jul. 10, 2006 - I see and hear this so often...
Posted by Katie in Ohio
We have story time friends that just are annoyed by their own children! I feel so sorry for the little ones, especially their high-spirited, strong-willed 3 year old BOY. His daddy wants him in bed by 7:30 every night (which gives Dad exactly 90 minutes from the time he gets home until Robert heads to bed) so he's not bothered. Oh my stars! Poor little man.
What will this family's children remember? joy? I doubt it. Fun? Rarely. It's so sad...
I consider myself one fortunate woman because I have a husband who LOVES to be around his boys and wife. I also have found a friend in town with three children and a husband with the same philosophy in childrearing as mine. They have fun as a family and as a couple; they take the time to laugh, cry, and be real with their children. When our two families get together, you can be sure there is plenty of laughter and chaos!
You are doing a great job with your boys. You can see how happy and content they are. Their eyes shine; their smiles glow; you can tell they know they are invaluable to your family life. It sure makes a difference, doesn't it!
Jul. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by carrotqueen
I think about this a lot, too. I think about all the things that might go wrong in the future, and all the choices they might make wrong.
The only thing I can control about the future is its memories. So I try to make today a good day.
(Well, as good as possible. We're moving this week. =-O)
Jul. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Titus2woman
We have sooo much in common~I used to be in a cult too.... I can so relate to all of your thoughts here! (((((HUGS))))) sandi
Jul. 13, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Martha
I think of this too. I think sometimes what you remember is based on how you choose to look at life. My brother and sisters were all raised in the same family, but believe me, we all have different pictures of many of the same things growing up. Why? Because how you choose to look at something. Bad things are going to happen, people (parents) are going to make mistakes. How the parents teach the child to react and how the parents react is the difference. Are the parents people enough to admit they were wrong? Are the children taught to forgive? Are you taught to focus on the evil or on the good?
I belonged to a group many people call a cult.....they believe some really wrong things and they are worse than some groups I have heard being called cults. But I can look back and people can call me crazy, but I wish I was back there sometimes. It is alot more friendly sometimes in a enviroment like that then out here.. But too the reason why is because I was taught to look beyond mistakes and meanness. I remember the fun I had and the friendships, the good times and if I don't I would go nuts beating myself up for letting it happen to me. I don't think that is wrong, it is just a matter of memory and survival!
Now, before I take up your whole blog with my comment I will quit!
Jul. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by heartmatters
I don't know what they will remember, but God's grace and mercy does abound. I don't remember everything from my childhood, memories are more like emotional generalities. It's very important to be transparent, like, when I have to admit I'm wrong a bazillion times is better than holding onto my pride of the moment. Children yearn for everything to work out, and for that happy ending. Children hang onto hope better than anyone! So whatever happened in your (cultish) past, I'm sure they'll be remembering their parents' love above everything; that you cared deeply enough for their welfare (and yours) to remove yourself from the situation. Noones perfect. Kid's may think their parents are, but maybe that's a good thing too. They always look for the best side in us to love. They always want to be tucked in and hugged and kissed at night, no matter how the day went.
Blessings, (hope that wasn't too muddle of a thought!)
Jen
