From Our Readers ~ A Sober Wife
by Phyllis Sather, Avon, MN

A Crown for Her Husband

By Stacy McDonald

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is
as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her,
so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11

What do these Scriptures portray a Godly wife to be? A "crown" to her husband? Did you realize that you have the opportunity to be a crown for your husband? Either a crown of honor or a crown of thorns!! With our lips, our actions and our attitudes we can be a crown that honors him and builds him up, sparkling with the radiance of many precious jewels or we can be a crown that is painful, sharp, tears him down and offers only shame.

The word ashamed here (in Prov. 12:4) is "buwsh" meaning to pale, to be disappointed or delayed, become dry. How many times have we delayed or disappointed our husband with our words or our actions. How many times have we noticed a look of disappointment or embarrassment on our husband's face as we've pridefully corrected him in front of others. Or maybe snickered quietly when he attempted to share a Scripture out of context.

Many women complain that their husbands refuse to be the spiritual leaders in the home. This may be true, but I would have to wonder if these dear ladies are truly and honestly willing to humbly submit, removing the "crown" from their own prideful head and sacrificially becoming a crown of honor for their husband's. It's difficult to become a crown for my husband if I'm too busy polishing the large and heavy crown of pride on my own selfish head!

Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips. Psalm 141:3

Have you ever had a visit with a couple where the husband was trying to tell a story and the wife rolled her eyes and corrected her husband every few minutes? "No, it was 4:00 NOT 6:00." "No, THAT is NOT how it happened!" "They don't want to hear you ramble on and on about THAT, get to the point!" "Why do you always say that, that's not true!" Don't you just wince? If it brings you pain just witnessing the scene, imagine the pain and damage it brings to the husband and his ability to properly lead that family! Those were extreme examples, but I have seen it happen many, many times and sadly I have been guilty of it, to some degree myself!

"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her...." Oh what a joy for a wife to know that her husband safely trusts in her. How about you? Does your husband know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when you have a friend over for coffee, all the words of your mouth will be edifying and honoring towards him? Does he know that when he invites others to his home, that you will honor and respect him while visiting with other families? Does he *trust* you to be graceful when he makes a mistake or stumbles over his words or is he nervous and in constant fear of your public ridicule if he accidentally ends his sentence in a preposition! :-)

Sisters, we are designed to be a helper to our husbands. If you had an important project to complete, would you appreciate a helper that "delayed" your work, one that continually tried to be the boss, or that undermined your leadership with sarcasm or suspicion? You would most likely rather do the job ALONE! Could this be why many marriages have difficulties with "oneness?" Wouldn't it bring much glory and honor to the Lord if we could repent of any selfish pride that we've allowed into our lives? I pray that we may purpose in our hearts right now, to obey God and to submit respectfully to our husbands, to honor him and allow God to transform us into a beautiful crown that fits perfectly on our own husbands' head!

Here is your challenge:

Ask your husband if he feels as though you are always respectful towards him alone AND in public. Ask him if you have ever made him feel demeaned or embarrassed by your words, attitudes or actions. If he answers yes and points our specific incidents, do not defend yourself in any way. Simply humble yourself, repent, ask his forgiveness and ask him to pray for you and to POINT OUT times that you fail in this area. He will be more than happy to help you here!! (This in itself, is very humbling!) We are making ourselves accountable to our husbands, and it is VERY effective! Make it clear to him that you want to submit to him as unto the Lord and that you want him to be able to "safely trust" in you. Be careful though! He may not think you're serious. If you have already developed a habit of eye-rolling or smart remarks, he may test you out by pointing things out quite often. Be sure to pray, pray, pray that you will handle these times in a humble and repentant manner. Ask the Lord to guard your tongue! Repent immediately and genuinely each time he points out a problem. God will be faithful to forgive and you will begin to see great victory!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9

Parental Testing

By Lisa Mikitarian

Last night I gave my teeth a thorough brushing. I gargled and flossed. I even scraped my tongue. I was preparing for my annual torture at the dentist's office. Am I this conscientious every evening? Doesn't Sam wish?

If you had called me two weeks ago, you would have interrupted my pantry organizing, and refrigerator scrubbing. My mother-in-law was coming to watch our children so Sam and I could take a trip. Am I cleaning maniacally this week? Doesn't Sam wish?

Two weeks ago, I didn't let a cookie, cake, or double cheeseburger pass my disciplined lips. I enlisted friends to keep me company during grueling exercise sessions. You see, I have this one exquisite formal dress that my mother-in-law bought for me, oh, ten or twelve years ago. It's the perfect cut for me and I will be hard-pressed to replace it. I would need that dress on our vacation, and I was going to fit into it. Am I this disciplined in my eating and exercise habits every week? Doesn't Sam wish?

Every April, I am “Teacher of the Year”. I prepare, teach, correct, review and hold my students accountable. April is testing month. Is my behavior consistent throughout the year? Doesn't Sam wish?

I have the best of intentions in September, but something happens by October. Not every assignment is corrected and there begins my downfall from excellent to good/mediocre. I fluctuate between those two points with occasional flashes of brilliance until April. This downfall leads to guilt and guilt to self-doubt and before you know it, I’m crying on Sam’s shoulder that maybe I’m not equipped to home school our children.

I know standardized tests do not present an accurate reflection of our home schooling year. I do, though, use it to gauge how we are doing. In fact, I also utilize the dentist, my Mother-in-law, and the dress, to gauge how I'm doing in those particular areas.

Do I seriously think the week of cramming will make a significant difference? Who would I be fooling? Could I possibly thrust into one week all the activities I should have been doing consistently all along? (I think the dentist can tell when someone has been faithful--some might call it obsessive--about her dental hygiene program.) These activities require my CONSISTENT dedication in order to see results.

This concept is called the "The Law of the Farm". I don't know who coined the phrase, but I like it. It refers to the natural law which happens on a farm. It takes TIME to prepare soil, sow seeds, fertilize, and water a field. You can’t sit idly for months and then cram into one week all the aforementioned steps. It does not matter how special you think you are, how much money you have or how many cheat codes to which you have access; you will not have a harvest. Period. It's the Law of the Farm.

Now for some good news: will the crop fall apart if you miss a single watering? No. You only have to be mostly consistent over a long period of time. More importantly, even when we are not faithful, we have a faithful Lord who waters us and guides us to grow in His light. Children and parents are in His capable care.

When I think of Christ, I wonder what things I would do if I knew He was returning next week. I would not floss, scrub, exercise, or school. Does this mean these activities should not be priorities?

Don’t I wish?

Jenefer Igarashi

If you are a feminist, do not read this article. You will only be compelled to send me angry letters and/or hate mail. If you are a saintly wife who has (what you consider, anyway) a drumstick for a husband, do not read this--you'll also be irritated and send me angry letters and complain about why I could never understand your personal plight. If you are a whiney, spoiled woman who either does or doesn't recognize it, WELCOME! And if you are an imperfect wife married to an imperfect husband, you may find this letter of interest ... When my husband took my hand at the end of the aisle on our wedding day, it was the luckiest day of his life. I thought as myself as being intriguing, entertaining, quick-witted and an object of sheer loveliness (one moment please ... gag). What he had actually married was a selfish, stubborn, egotistical, whiney, manipulative, greedy, demanding, bratty, unstable weirdsmobile. What a lucky guy... Now, for the sake of accuracy, I should say that I wasn't all THAT bad--I had some redeeming qualities (one being that I truly did want to serve God and live a Christian life); as a matter of fact, I had enough good qualities to keep me feeling secure in my faith. Therefore, I focused instead on what was wrong with my husband. In our first year of marriage, my darling would work all day and then come home to a house that needed to be cleaned and no dinner on the table. Also to a sour wife who was mad that she had to be bored and cooped up by herself at home without a car (oh, if only she had a car). This poor, unsuspecting man would generally respond with patience and love. Sometimes he'd even clean the house, put together a tasty dinner and try to console his pouty young wife. We were very poor; we had but one car and soon several kids, a lot of credit card debt and continual runs of bad luck. And if he ever dared to ask me to help with anything--especially regarding our income--I'd let him have it. After all, he is supposed to be the family provider. How dare he ask me to help out with money matters. Making money, budgeting money, and saving money all fell under his department, and God help him if he didn't live up to my expectations. But he was still the lucky one because I was a clever, pretty little thing. And while his humility and patience did quite a bit to soften and change my heart over the first seven years, it seemed I was also changing him. While he was trying his best to build me up, I was unintentionally tearing him down. In those first years, I was mostly consumed with my own happiness, my own contentment, and my own emotional well-being. I was so focused on myself that I didn't notice that my husband was growing weary with his rotten lot in life. Now, naturally, no one would believe my husband is--or was--perfect. Of course he had/has his faults and errors. However, my problem during that period of my life was that I was only interested in focusing on his faults. Oh sure, I'd acknowledge that I could be a little moody--but after all, HE was the reason why I was moody in the first place. That's what a helpful wife does, right? It was my job to point out his errors and weaknesses and then analyze how it affected my physical, spiritual, or emotional well-being. After all, every Christian I knew declared that a godly husband was the head of the household and was responsible for the happiness, godliness, and well-being of the family. And I was to help him be that godly man. Then, one bright sunny morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and--shock and horror, how could it be?--I was ugly, older, and rather flabby and squishy. How did this happen? My husband didn't seem to notice (I didn't believe the liar), and even worse, when I took a closer look to see if he had been afflicted with the horrors of age, I was appalled. He was actually more handsome and sturdy. But looking closer I also noticed he was tired, beaten down, discouraged, defeated, and lonely. How? He had spent so many years with such a fun, clever, and pretty wife. But now, I was no longer pretty, and thinking harder on it, I realized that it had been a very long time since I had been fun or clever. It had been too time consuming to fit "fun and clever" into my daily routine of complaining, arguing, whining, mourning and "examining my hard life" (besides, if I acted happy then he'd get complacent). No, I was a squawking, squishy, angry old hen that was draining my once happy, patient and hard-working husband. I had believed a lie. The years that I had wasted were lost forever. The world (even the church!) had said that I needed to love myself before I could truly love others--and even though I would never have admitted to accepting that philosophy, my life seemed to reflect it. Much of my time was spent evaluating my 'emotional well-being'. I had been told that my husband was the head of the house and therefore it was his job to make me happy and secure. If I wasn't happy then he was doing something wrong. I had learned that a sour look, a forlorn sigh, the threat of bitterness or an outright raging tantrum would convince my husband to bow to my needs. And I had succeeded in generally getting my way. But what had I really achieved? I was growing more discontent and more demanding and had cultivated an attitude that made it nearly impossible for my husband to trust in me, rest in me, or count on me to help him. I had entered my marriage knowing that I was the better half, and now I sat on a very uncomfortable self-made throne--yes, I was the queen. Queen Sour-Bumsy of Watch-It-or-I'm-Liable-to-Get-Mad Land. What a horror it was to think that I was a drain on the man whom God had entrusted me to build up. And while my husband still felt obligated to meet my needs and determined to fulfill his vows despite my ugliness, I know the guy couldn't stand to be around me half the time. God was very gracious to me. I got a clue and I began praying. I did not want my husband to become a joyless, withdrawn, tired, emotionally drained man. Even more, I did not want to be the cause of that! Where I had tended to see my faults as minor, and saw my good traits as clearly outweighing the bad, I now resolved to see my ugliness for what it was. Ugly. Where I once eagle-eyed my man and focused on how he needed to change or meet my needs, I began considering that perhaps I should simply be focusing on how to meet his needs. After all, I claimed to be a Christian. Philippians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." Does God mean that? Am I to esteem others better than myself? What if my little feelings get hurt? What if I get taken advantage of? What if that sends a message that his bad behavior is acceptable? God answers that in 1 Peter 3-6 where He says that "Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." Admittedly, I am no shining example of being a great wife, mother, or homeschool teacher (not to mention cook or driver--I'm a really rotten driver). I do not write this article as a "How To" piece. No, it's more of a "Why You Should Avoid Being a Dumb Doorknob" discourse. God help me, half the time I am still dumb as a doorknob. I am continually learning, failing, and having to repent. It is an incredible thing to bask in the glory of God's amazing grace. He is able to use the weak. And He is able to change hearts and make lovely things happen in the lives of those who trust Him. He is even able to turn a miserable mess into a royal blessing. Okay, now, if you are a naughty feminist and/or a saintly wife who read this even though you weren't invited, I'll REALLY have to ask you to stop reading at this point. Recently, my friend came over to my house and practically held me at gunpoint until I agreed to read a book that she claimed was life changing. When I started reading, I literally could not put it down. This book was a tremendously invigorating refresher course for me and re-established truths that are easy to forget. It is simply full of simple truths. At the risk of sounding like an infomercial, I urge every married (or engaged) woman who reads this article to pick up a copy of Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. If your marriage is perfect--get it, you'll be blessed. If your marriage is simply floundering along--get it, you'll be blessed. If your marriage is about to end--get it, it may turn your entire situation around. Many of us younger wives and mothers do not have mamas who have properly equipped us for marriage and motherhood. This book was written by a mama (and her grown-up married daughter) who really knows her stuff. Lastly, I must rejoice that I am so blessed. I am blessed because my husband and children are perfect. Perfect? Yes ... perfect for me. And I will be thankful for what God has given as He uses them to grow me. God bless you as you strive to teach your children (by example!) what is needed for a happy home. ------------------------ Jenefer Igarashi is the Senior Editor of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine for homeschoolers. Jenefer and her husband, Geoff, have six children ranging from ages 2-16, specifically 3 girls and 3 boys. To reach Jenefer for comment on this piece, email her at JenIg@TheHomeschoolMagazine.com. Copyright 2005. Used with permission. The Old Schoolhouse Magazine. Right now, 19 free gifts when you subscribe. www.TheHomeschoolMagazine.com