Posted in My languages

So I have been worried since Brogan's birth that I somehow lost my lifelong interest in languages.  I haven't been studying German or Spanish or anything else - I haven't even wanted to!  I haven't been speaking German with any of the children.  I thought I was just too tired and had too much going on.  While that may be true, I now have another explanation.

The twelfth book I have read this year (I'll get to quick reviews of #10 and #11 soon) is called The Attachment Connection: Parenting a Secure and Confident Child Using the Science of Attachment Theory by Ruth P. Newton, Ph.D.  I picked it up from - where else? - the new book shelf and wasn't sure if I really wanted to get it, until I found I couldn't put it back because it was too interesting.  The basic premise of the book is that, more so than cognitive development, the first three to five years of the child's life is about developing secure attachment to a caregiver, which then provides the child with the social and emotional skills to learn and grow.  Newton discusses "emotional regulation" a lot, which basically means that the mother/caregiver helps the child to handle his emotions.

This book seems to give the scientific background to one of my favorite books ever: What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen (here's a link to my 3-part review of this book).  I specifically remember Stadlen describing how a mother calms her crying child by entering into his world, feeling his pain, and then slowly bringing him out of it.  That is emotional regulation.  "When sensitive parents consistently enough help their children regulate their emotions...children act and feel more confident, show greater competence at exploring and learning...and learn to regulate their emotions themselves."

In order to do this though, Newton says that the parent must have a right-brain-to-right-brain relationship with the young child. The right hemisphere "appears to house and orchestrate the entire nonverbal body-world communication system." So to be attuned with your baby, you need to shift into his world, where cuddling, cooing, and caring are at the top of the agenda.  It seems clear to me that studying a foreign language is about as left-brained an activity as you can get!  In fact, I have found myself having trouble with English some days.  I have always had a tendency to replace words with "thing" or "thingie" but lately I have been saying incomprehensible sentences like "Put the thing on the thing."  And I have had to literally stop speaking to search my mind for a common word.

Although I had planned to speak a lot of German to Brogan, after he was born, I just couldn't.  I didn't want to.  I think that this book's explanation makes a lot of sense.  Speaking a non-native language to my new baby, especially without any emotional connection (like if it were a heritage language or my husband's native language), would have put a big roadblock between our right brain mindmeld.

But Brogan is six months old now, and just a couple of days ago, the thought popped into my mind, "I miss German!"  Maybe I have sufficiently learned "Broganese" so I could have a bit of my left brain back.  That'd be nice.  Off to give the baby a kiss!

This book is very readable despite the scientific emphasis.  Then it has a very helpful and interesting guide to different ages, newborn to age four. Each section has a list of new skills your child might have and suggested activities that you can do with him, along with case studies that illustrate the age.  The last chapter addresses the question of day care, saying, "We cannot continue to ignore the elephant in the room, even if we don't quite know how to get it out yet."  Newton encourages mothers to acknowledge their true feelings about work, since children are happier when their mothers are happier, whether that means working or not working, as long as the child's attachment needs are met.  She feels that more options need to be given to families, and points out that the biggest problem with child care in general is turnover.  She also suggests that children under 3 may not thrive in group situations.  I know that I had to address my feelings about leaving Brogan even to teach a class once a week and decided that I could not do it.  When he is two or three, I hope to start again.  I found that it was one thing to contemplate leaving him before he was born, and another thing entirely once I was holding him in my arms!