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For a while, I've been struggling with how to successfully integrate the computer into my daily life.  I've tried different things, prayed about it, thought about it, and scheduled it.  And finally it seems as though I have come to the right solution for me.

While the computer is a valuable source of information and a way to connect with my friends, it's also a big time vacuum.  Sitting down "just to quickly check something" is the equivalent of going into the supermarket for "just a couple of things." Even if it does only take a few minutes, it contributes to the scattered feeling I already have as a mom of four children six and under, plus two more at home.  

And checking something quickly multiple times a day adds up.  I started thinking, if I didn't sit down to check the computer, what could I do instead? Pray, read a child a book, clean something, speak a little German, play with the baby? In other words, something productive.  Something that would contribute to a good feeling at the end of a day, instead of the constant wondering, "Where did the day go and why didn't I get anything done???"  I considered getting on the computer as my break time, but it wasn't refreshing to me.  It just left me feeling more frazzled as I was pulled between my real world and the virtual world.  While it's true that we all need breaks, we need to be sure that the break refreshes instead of drains.

On the other hand, I am extremely limited in my ability to go out and to see my friends right now.  A friend and I have discussed how the feeling of isolation stay at home moms can experience can be very negative, and when I mentioned limiting computer time to my husband, he warned me not to cut off contact with the outside world.  A computer is a blessing in this circumstance.

So what to do?  Well, as I said at the beginning, after much prayer I have finally received the answer.  The computer stays off from the time I get up in the morning until the little ones are in bed, unless needed for urgent business like checking what is overdue at the library.  At that point (usually around 8 PM), I turn it on and catch up with my friends.  It feels like a good balance, and already I am feeling happier, calmer, and less scattered.  Thank You, Lord!

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Well, I may be crazy, but I just signed up to do National Novel Writing Month again.  Last year I wrote 30,000 words in November.  This year I will try to actually win and write 50,000.  Oh, and I have no idea what I will write about yet.  And I haven't finished last year's yet.

But I will.

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As I was driving into town today, I was pondering my blog post from last night.  Specifically, I wondered why I felt guilty for being overwhelmed.  And then it came to me - it's because if I were more organized and more together, I wouldn't be overwhelmed.  So then it is MY FAULT that I'm overwhelmed, because if I were just better, I wouldn't be.

I don't agree with these statements.  I think being overwhelmed is a function of having four children under the age of six.  No matter how organized I am, I still couldn't account for all the variables they can come up with.  And being overwhelmed is also about not having time for myself, time to accomplish some of my goals.  So at the end of the day, no matter how much I've gotten done, there's always other things I should have also somehow gotten done.  It's not possible.

I'm going to try to let go of the guilt now.

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So, lately, I've been feeling a little surrounded and overwhelmed.  Okay, a lot.  I'm trying to give three children an education, keep up with the twin hurricanes, keep the household running, get all children to their various and sundry lessons, appointments, and therapies, and I'm doing all this while having my life revolve around what a thirteen-month-old decides I can do.  And he's getting pretty good, with the twins as role models, at being a destructive force himself.  It's like he's thinking, "I don't need a twin; I can do it all by myself!"

I really have needed some time alone.  Over the last few days I actually got a little bit.  Tonight I went out for myself for the first time since I went to the Mojo Mom author signing back in April.  Amy Tiemann, the author of Mojo Mom, was speaking to my Mothers of Multiples group, and since we just changed the hours of my daughter's tutoring, thus freeing up Monday nights, I decided to go.

I'm glad I did.  I wanted to go to hear how other moms of twins talked about the idea of mojo and the other themes of the book.  Despite being 25 minutes late because I transposed two numbers in the address of the meeting place, I found it interesting.  As I listened to the other moms talk about struggles with their children, I realized that I had a child of each of the ages they were mentioning, plus others.

And that made me realize - it's okay to be overwhelmed!  It really is!  I think I have been feeling guilty about feeling overwhelmed.

I keep trying to remind myself that, while it is my job to see that the children's needs are met, my needs also have to be met, and they come before the children's wants.  Everybody's needs should be met before anybody's wants. The situation, though, is that meeting the needs of the six children still at home is taking up a whole lot of my morning, afternoon, evening, and night.  I have been fighting the guilty feeling of not being able to fulfill some of my children's wants.  But my husband and I spend so much time just meeting the basics!  For example, if our lawn is mowed, we're happy.  We're not out there improving the landscape.  I am working on getting the house decluttered and organized, but at this point, that is a need and not a want.  Some of the areas in our house were not even functional from having been ignored so long.

I can feel myself getting burned out, so I know that I have to make a few changes.  I'm going to start taking mini-breaks during the day and just go in my room, lock the door, and be alone for a few minutes.  I'm going to have the girls watch the baby in the evening so I can have uninterrupted prayer time that isn't at 1 AM.  I'm going to try to get enough sleep.  Through my cleaning and organizing, I finally found my 10 minute workout DVD, and I'm doing that in the mornings when I first get up.  Even though I am woefully out of shape, I am enjoying it.

So that's my plan - that, and realizing that it really is okay to be overwhelmed.

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If you have read this blog at all, you know that I like football.  OK, so it's more that I love football! As I was telling my older daughter this week, fate filled the void in my life by having the Carolina Panthers become a team right around when I moved to the south.  There you go - Panthers fan!

Robert was nearly six when the Panthers began, and he started watching football with me.  The first couple of years were a little bumpy, as he had the one season when all he did was ask me constant questions about what was going on (which isn't very relaxing), and then also suffered from nearly incurable optimism.  The Panthers could be losing 45-14 with 3 minutes left in the game, and he would be outlining what they had to do to win.  Which would be OK, if he wasn't then crushed when it didn't happen.  He never saw the loss coming, and then I would be dealing with a devastated, inconsolable child.  At least once I threatened to not let him watch anymore.

So Robert and I have watched football together for years, and it was emotional for me last year when he went away to college because I had to watch football alone.  It's just not as much fun.  Gabrielle roots for Indianapolis, but she didn't want to watch other games.  Mary had no interest.  Ryan had a little interest, but really only for about twenty seconds and then he would run off and play.

This year promised to be a better football year because I finally have ESPN and the NFL network.  A few weeks ago I checked the preseason schedule and loved going through the list and naming all the games I could now watch!  I was very excited for the preseason to start, because it's been a really long off-season.  As I have watched the games this week, Ryan has been showing more interest and looks like he'll be having that season where he asks me fifty thousand questions.  Hopefully I will have patience!

Ryan has a comforter on his bed that used to be Robert's.  It has all the NFL team helmets on a blue background.  From this Ryan decided he liked the Miami Dolphins (and the Carolina Panthers, so I told him he could stay).  What I didn't realize was that the twins had also chosen their favorites.  So today while Robert and I were watching the Buffalo Bills against the Chicago Bears, they recognized their favorite helmets and were watching the screen.  Christopher would even answer, when asked his favorite team, "The Bears." (I don't mind this, as the closest I ever came to rooting for a team before the Panthers was the 1985 Bears.)  And Alexander liked the Bills helmet (they do have nice uniforms - patriotic without being, well, the Patriots).

Gabrielle was also watching the game and rolling yarn into a ball.  Mary was also in the living room, having emerged after taking a nap (she's sick, well, actually, we all are.)  Ryan was watching (same deal as Mary).  And the twins were even watching.  It was really fun!  It felt like a party. It's like I had a glimpse of what it will be like when the children are a bit older. I'm so happy that now I don't have to worry about watching football alone again until Brogan leaves for college in seventeen years.

But let's not think about that now.

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Tonight I told my husband about the conclusion I had reached in this post that this year just ending was the hardest homeschooling year ever.  I told him, "I don't know what I was thinking.  I thought that this school year we would do tons of schoolwork, join activities, make friends, do a science coop, and basically be perfect homeschoolers, WHEN I HAD JUST HAD A BABY!"

He just rolled his eyes and said, "What am I going to do with you?"

This gap between my expectations and my reality is very hard to deal with, because I waste time feeling bad that I haven't met my incredibly unrealistic goals, and that energy could go toward actually working on them!  As an even more dramatic example, I could share the list of goals I made up for last summer.

Keep in mind that I was in my third trimester and had a four year old and two year old twins, and somehow I thought I was going to accomplish twenty-one goals in six different areas. In two months. Hugely pregnant. With my oldest preparing to leave for college.

I'm insane.  But I can only see it in retrospect!  How can I bring my expectations in line with what I can truly accomplish?  Maybe I don't understand goal-setting?

And I find myself, yet again, working on a schedule.  Is it a good idea? I don't know.  I just reread A Mother's Rule of Life and I noticed something I never had before, a critical couple of lines that I had overlooked.  "A Rule of Life is not just a schedule, not just a collection of activities organized into a set pattern for efficient repetition.  A Rule is an organization of everything that has to do with your vocation, based on a hierarchy of the priorities that define the vocation and done with the intent to please God.  It deals with the essential responsibilities of your state of life, organized to ensure their fulfillment.  The activities worked into the Rule are determined by the specific calling, charism, and apostolate of the person living the Rule." (emphasis added)

I think that before I was confused and thought that, because Holly Pierlot was a Catholic homeschooling mother, and because I was a Catholic homeschooling mother, my rule would look like hers, perhaps with minor variations.  I thought that her vocation was my vocation, but it's not.  *I* am called to do things she is not, and she is called to do things I am not.  At this point I almost wish she had not put her example in the book, and had put more examples of religious life in the book.

I started to realize that, even though all nuns have similar-looking vocations, the orders are different.  The Rules are different.    They have different callings and charisms.  Making my own rule is not just a matter of plugging my specifics into Holly's framework - *I* need to sit down and understand what *my* vocation is and how best to fulfill it.  I need to discern what *my* daily duties are. Then I need to develop self-discipline to do what God has called me to do. 

When I am goal-setting or schedule-making, I need to know that God has called me to do those things, not that I am making some crazy list of 21 things I'll never get to that He didn't want me to do anyway.

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I've always liked to do calculations in my head, figuring out things like how many years I have been breastfeeding (10+, and a significant portion of that two children at a time), how many poems I will write if I continue at a certain pace (that was back in school in a particularly angst-ridden year, I guess), and how many years it will take to get in a better financial position (hopefully less than the total for nursing!).  Recently, however, I did some depressing calculations.

You all know that I have been, for the first time ever, keeping track of the books I read this year, aiming to read at least 52.  I never thought that would be a problem, and I have now finished 32 books this year, so I am ahead of the pace.  After my birthday two weeks ago, I started thinking though, "Wait a second...let's say when the children are a bit older I could read an average of two books per week...that's an average of 100 books a year...I'm nearly 40...my family is pretty long-lived...I mean, my great-grandfather lived to be 99, my grandfather almost 97...but that's no guarantee of anything...let's say I live to be 80...at 100 books a year, for forty more years...that's only 4000 more books!!!!!...how can that be?!"

I found that infinitely depressing. I'm sure there are more than 4000 books I want to read!  Guess I better read faster...

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I got a really nice treat tonight!  I went to a meet-the-author event at a local bookstore.  Amy Tiemann has just released a new edition of her book Mojo Mom.  You can read my review of the first edition here, and stay tuned for a review of the new edition.  I am behind on my book reviews but will bump this up to the top, since I am really eager to read it.

I had a great time chatting with Amy and the other ladies who were there.  It's the first time since before Christmas that I did something fun for myself. Even though I was dealing with a baby boy who just wanted to get down and crawl, I felt myself recovering something I've lost over the last few weeks: a little of bit of focus, or maybe just feeling like it's ok to actually think (or, dare I use the word, mojo? ).  Throughout March and the first half of April, I've been really uninspired and frankly just plain tired.  There is always something going on, always someone who needs something, always someone who is upset about something, always things that I am about 5 days late doing.  I struggle and struggle to get it all done and then blithely think I can still add in something else. 

I've been working on my romance novel (which is a rather grandiose way of saying I printed out what I have so far and have been reading it in dribs and drabs trying to make it a cohesive story now that I know what it's about!), and then I find my mind wandering to other things I should do.  "Oh, I should try to sell something I already have!"  So I borrow Writer's Marker from the library, look at it twice, realize it's going to take some serious time to sit down and find compatible publishers, put it off until that mythical day that I will have serious time, and then have to return it because someone else has a hold on it.  That got far.

Amy was very encouraging tonight because she said that you can get a project done in only six to eight hours a week over time.  I had the thought earlier today that, instead of trying to write at night (which so far has not really happened, because I have about 2 hours of non-kid time to get done about 5 hours of what I want to do), I should write all day Saturday, just like I did on NaNoWriMo.  Yes, I'll be interrupted fifty million times a day - I actually had the thought during NaNoWriMo that I should keep track of all my interruptions and publish that as a novel, possibly a horror story? - anyway, there I go interrupting myself.  I do believe that ADD is real, I think you get it from your children. So, anyway, yes, I would be interrupted, but if I approached Saturdays with the mindset that it is writing day, and all the other stuff will just be there too, then I might actually get something done.  At this point, with a baby who cannot be left, and with my husband working 7 days a week, this is as good as it gets.

Thanks, Amy, for scheduling this at a great time so I could come!  Good luck with your book!  And I promise not to write any True Confessions, ever.

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Growing up in South Jersey, I didn't have much experience with hurricanes.  One year supposedly Hurricane Gloria was going to come up the coast and strike Philadelphia.  We actually had a day off from school, but nothing happened.  A local radio station started giving away T-shirts that read, "I survived Hurricane Gloria!"

In May 1990, my sister, Robert (then a six month old baby!), and I visited Charleston, SC.  As the plane was landing, from the window we could see masses of downed, flattened trees.  "What on earth happened here?" we wondered.  It wasn't until later that we remembered that Charleston had been struck by Hurricane Hugo the previous September.  Still, that seemed an awfully long time for cleanup.  Over the next week, we would look for a tourist attraction and arrive at the gates only to find it closed, with a sign about hurricane damage.  Thankfully, not everything was closed though!  Fabulous Drayton Hall was completely spared.

I've found now that my attitude then is similar to the attitude I have now, toward myself.  OK, you were struck by a hurricane, but honestly, shouldn't you have it together by now?  Because this is the best analogy that I can come up with for what it was like for us to have twins.  And it's not like we ONLY had twins - there have been other major things going on in our family as well.  And it's also not like having twins is a one-time event like a hurricane - despite what well-meaning people might tell you, it does not continually get easier.  Yes, the first six months were the toughest because of sheer sleep deprivation.  But things have been really hard since they stopped being containable.  And try having two very capable 3 1/2 year olds who can't really communicate. That's challenging!  It's a lot like trying to continue life as normal when the hurricane has taken your power out and contaminated the water supply so you can't even take a shower. Just not possible! Doing the necessary daily tasks takes all your time and attention, which pretty much sums up life right now.

So I have finally decided to cut myself some massive slack.  So what if I can't keep track of everything and keep everything going perfectly?  So I've had to pay some late fees and I now waste money on paper towels.  At the end of the day, no matter what I've gotten done, I am surrounded by a family who loves me.  I am so blessed!

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Some online acquaintances suggested a challenge for 2009: read one book a week (at least).  I figured that I could actually reach that goal since I probably have already done this my entire life!  It's like a challenge to keep breathing.

Even though I do read a lot, I have never kept a list of all the books I read.  Writing reviews on this blog is the closest I've come, but I don't review every book I read.  I really should write them as soon as I finish reading the book, but if I don't, then I have to basically reread the book before I write the review, and, well, then it just doesn't happen.

So, who's with me? One book a week - come on, you can do it!

I also have another list of goals for 2009 - it's time to start relosing the weight I regained with my pregnancy with Brogan (ugh!), I plan to write at least 7 hours per week, and make sure that we are doing everything we need to in our homeschool.  It's also time to potty train the twins, since they keep taking their diapers off.

What do you have planned for 2009?

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A long time ago I read a book about simplifying Christmas.  The author sat down and thought about what she would like Christmas to be.  She envisioned herself playing the piano, singing carols with her family all around.  She then concentrated on making her vision come to life and had a wonderful, satisfying Christmas.

The idea is similar to what I have always said about weddings.  Frequently there is one thing that the bride has always wanted as part of her wedding.  For me, it was that I wanted my wedding dress to be made for me.  That was the most important thing for me, and the thing I would have spent the most on.  As it turned out, my dream was also less expensive, because the seamstress made my dress for half of what it would have cost in the store, and she made the veil, the slip and the ring pillow as part of the deal too.  But dreams aren't always less expensive.  Someone I knew had always dreamed of going to her wedding in a limousine, so she and her fiancé hired one.  The point is - spend your money on what is most important to you, in your wedding.

Both ideas pertain to things that can be crazy, that have the potential to be out of control in costs and energy expended.  By focusing on your own dream, your own vision of Christmas or your wedding, you automatically chip away unnecessary activities or expenses, until you are left with what will satisfy you most.

There is a scene in the Karate Kid where Mr. Miyagi tells Daniel how to trim a bonsai tree.  He tells him to close his eyes and picture the tree, and then open his eyes and make the tree like his picture.  Well, that is what I am going to do with my life.

I feel dissatisfied.  I feel like I am spending my days not doing what would most satisfy me.  I am going to close my eyes and imagine how my life should be, and then open my eyes and do the work to make it so.  So if I don't blog for a while, you'll know that I am out there, making my life what I want it to be.

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Where, oh where, can it be?

I can tell that I have less time than before,  and also less uninterrupted time.  Things that I have done for years no longer get done.  I pick up newspapers and don't get to read them.  Magazines come and I don't read them.  Books still get read, but not as many, as far as putting together an actual review of one, forget about it!

I feel frazzled, scattered and unfocused.  I never know when I may get a chance to focus on something.  I wander around the house, starting thing after thing and not completing anything before being interrupted.  Or, I actually get something done, and then the twins undo it and I spend the next two days redoing it.

For example, earlier this week, I finally sorted through all the twins' clothes.  I put away summer clothes, put clothes that are too small for them aside for Brogan, and sorted out matching outfits.  They have so many clothes that I put a bin of extras in the closet if we need them.  If we don't, I will get rid of them.  So, great, accomplished something!  Twins' clothes all sorted, all ready to grab and go!

I didn't think they could get their dresser drawers open.  Well, they can.  The next day they had pulled all their clothes out and they were all over the floor.  I made them pick them up and then put them in a pile outside their door so they couldn't do it again, while I though about where to put them.  Then I got tired of seeing the pile so I stacked them neatly.

The next day the twins were playing and threw the clothes all over the hallway.  The girls witnessed my near nervous breakdown over this and supervised the twins cleaning them up.  I still don't know where to put their clothes.

Today they pulled a chair into the kitchen and got down the chocolate chips from the cabinet.  Guess the chocolate chips are going up one more shelf.  I honestly think that this is the hardest stage with twins so far, except for the massive sleep deprivation of the newborn period.  But I even look back on that with some nostalgia, because they couldn't move. Or climb. Or run. Or destroy things. Or flush every toothbrush in the house. Or..or...or...  They don't nap anymore, they are constantly rising to the challenge to get around whatever childproofing we do.  Thank God they are mostly obedient!

So while I have got ideas for interesting blog entries that I want to write, that would require an amazing confluence of events: I think of idea when it's actually possible to write it, I have a chance to sit down and write it, and no one interrupts me.  Not likely to happen soon!  And if it did, well, I probably should be working on my novel anyway.

My focus now is remembering that I wanted to enjoy the infant period with Brogan, and that time is fast passing me by.  He just turned four months old! So, I am off to cuddle my baby (and continue searching for my brain!)

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Last night I finally hit 25,000 words after having been on the verge for several days.  I think it's extremely unlikely that I will win NaNoWriMo, since there is only one week left to write.  Even I am not that much of an optimist!

But this has been really good for me! It got me going, got me writing, instead of just thinking about it.  It showed me that I can do this, even now with 4 little children and everything else going on.  Hopefully I won't have to go back to teaching in a year or two but can instead become a published author.

Still not sure when I am going to sleep, however.  Maybe we need a national contest racking up the sleeping hours!

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A year or two ago, my father bought me the book "Writing a Romance Novel for Dummies."  This is something I had flirted with about a decade ago.  Then last year when my husband and I decided I should work, one of the things he kept telling me was that I should write romances.  At the end of the school year when my teaching job was ending, I began to seriously consider it.  I had planned to start writing before Brogan was born, but then late pregnancy inertia kicked in and I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING. 

So, I have been thinking about the plot of the romance I started writing ten years ago, and there was a character I just couldn't get a handle on.  So I haven't started writing.  In the meantime, I got another idea and really like it.  And then I saw some information about the NaNoWriMo contest.

NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month.  In November people all over the world commit to try to write 50,000 words in the month.  It's a way to make you turn off your "inner editor" and just get writing.  In December you can go back and edit and polish.  I had heard of this before and thought it might be just the thing to get me going, even if I can't make 50,000 words (you know, the pesky details of life: 7 kids, homeschooling, housework, they all want to eat several times a day...).  But I am going to try my darnedest!  My husband has assured me that it's not insane to do this. And coincidentally, the series I would like to write my romance for requires a 50,000 word manuscript.

I feel like I really have a chance now to try this and see if I can do it.  Roger is covering all our bills, I am home and don't want to go out, and while I liked teaching and would do it again if necessary, it's draining and I have my own children to teach.  And at this point, I don't want to leave Brogan at all. However, eventually I will have to start earning some money again, so if I could actually write romances and get them published, I could make money that way.  I also like that, by writing romances, I can use all my life experiences and interests.  It's always been difficult for me to narrow things down and choose one thing to focus on.  This way, I wouldn't have to!

So I might not be blogging much in November.  Maybe I'll just post my word count.  If you are interested in doing this yourself, the website is www.nanowrimo.org. I do intend to blog a lot this week in preparation for starting on Saturday.  So wish me luck, or if you don't believe in luck, then pray for me!

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What I'm NOT doing:

Reading 500 page tomes in order to blog about them

Teaching outside the home

Speaking much German to the children

Going out by myself

Exercising

Dieting

Sleeping

What I AM doing:

Watching Dancing With The Stars (and enjoying it!)

Enjoying spending lots of time with my two girls

Decluttering

Trying to keep up with the housework: Laundry, High Finance (otherwise known as juggling accounts so nothing bounces, kind of like AIG, just without the $400K junket or $700B bailout), Dishes, Diaper Changes, etc

Nursing and staring at his sweet face

Marvelling at the myriad of messes three year old twins can make

Practicing my alliteration skills

Enjoying football (check out those Tar Heels and Panthers!)

Calculating how many children I will have in college at once (and ignoring the concept of how to pay for it)

Traveling vicariously through my oldest son (he just got back from NY and is preparing to spend next semester in Poland!)

Listening to Enrique (por supuesto!)

Loving my five year old's eagerness to learn

Writing a novel! (don't worry, at least 2 people have assured me that I am not insane!)

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I've become one of those people I used to hear about - "Can you believe it?  She has four children four and under!!"  Even saying it another way doesn't sound much better - six children 12 and under.  That makes it sound like I have a baby every 2 years!  Seven children spread out over nearly nineteen years is slightly better - that ups my average to one baby every 2.7 years.

My husband went back to work today, and next Wednesday my oldest son leaves for college.  Brogan will be 2 1/2 weeks old, and I will be on my own.  Is it okay to admit that I am a little intimidated?  I have gone from thinking, "Should I teach 2 days a week at the charter school?" to "Will I even be able to shower?  Will we be able to get anything done in the mornings?  Will I be able to meet the very distinct needs of each child?  Will I have any energy in the evenings to work on my own projects or should I just scrap the idea of even having my own projects?"

So I have one week to come up with a game plan for surviving life with four children four and under. And in a month it will be four children five and under, and that just sounds much more doable, doesn't it? Honestly, though, I thank God for all my blessings.  There was a time when I thought I would never have more children, and I used to wonder if we would ever bring home a new baby to this house.  Now I just need to pray that I am equal to the task of raising them well!

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Even though I love Enrique and ABBA and various other groups and genres (from Latin to country to classical to whatever), I don't make you listen to them.  I invite you to, I might provide a link, but then it is your choice to click it or not, to listen or not.  It's your loss if you don't want to listen to Enrique, but again, I'm not going to force you into it.

This is my new pet peeve.  When I visit a blog, I don't want music to play.  Ever.  No matter what music it is.  I don't know how to turn it off - I don't know if I can turn it off.  Very often, I am already listening to Enrique and the blog's music then goes over it.  That is annoying.  Decorate your blog however you would like, give me any links you love, but please, don't put music on.  I visited a blog for the first and last time tonight, where the writer had put a youtube link of a scene from Mamma Mia!, but I couldn't even click on it and listen to it because her other music was playing!  And let me tell you, Pierce Brosnan's voice does not improve with other unrelated music on top of it!

And if you wonder how I am doing at 38 1/2 weeks pregnant, I am hot, tired, grumpy, huge, and prone to finding new pet peeves! ;-)

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Anybody who has spent even five minutes in my company over the last several years knows that Enrique Iglesias is my favorite singer.  For my birthday this year, my husband bought me his latest CD: a compilation of his Spanish language number one hits.  As my oldest son pointed out, my husband was probably the only almost-40-year-old, non-Hispanic, straight man to buy the CD!

There is a song on this CD that I wasn't familiar with that is so beautiful I wanted to share it with somebody.  So finally I decided to blog about it.  It's called "Experiencia Religiosa."  Even those of you with no Spanish background can probably figure out that the title means "Religious Experience."  It is a long song.  The lyrics in Spanish follow, with my English translation after each verse.  KEEP IN MIND that songs ALWAYS sound better in the original language!

UN POCO DE TI PARA SOBREVIVIR
ESTA NOCHE QUE VIENE FRIA Y SOLA
UN AIRE DE EXTASIS EN LA VENTANA
PARA VESTIRME DE FIESTA Y CEREMONIA

(a little of you in order to survive this night that comes cold and alone, an air of ecstasy in the window, in order to cover me with celebration and ceremony)

CADA VEZ QUE ESTOY CONTIGO
YO DESCUBRO EL INFINITO
TIEMBLA EL SUELO
LA NOCHE SE ILUMINA
EL SILENCIO SE VUELVE MELODIA

(each time that I am with you, I discover the infinite, the ground trembles, the night lights up, the silence becomes melody)

Y ES CASI UN EXPERIENCIA RELIGIOSA
SENTIR QUE RESUCITO SI ME TOCAS
SUBIR AL FIRMAMENTO PRENDIDO DE TU CUERPO
ES UN EXPERIENCIA RELIGIOSA

(and it's almost a religious experience, to feel that I revive if you touch me, to rise up to the heavens caught with your body, it's a religious experience)

CASI UNA EXPERIENCIA RELIGIOSA
CONTIGO CADA INSTANTE EN CADA COSA
BESAR LA BOCA TUYA MERECE UN ALELUYA
ES UN EXPERIENCIA RELIGIOSA

(almost a religious experience, with you every instant in everything, to kiss your lips is worth an alleluia, it's a religious experience)

VUELVE PRONTO MI AMOR TE NECESITO YA
PORQUE ESTA NOCHE TAN HONDA ME DA MIEDO
NECESITO LA MUSICA DE TU ALEGRIA
PARA CALLAR LOS DEMONIOS QUE LLEVO DENTRO

(return quickly, my love, I already need you because this night so deep scares me, I need the music of your happiness in order to quiet the demons I carry inside)

CADA VEZ QUE ESTOY CONTIGO
YA NO HAY SOMBRA NI PELIGRO
LAS HORAS PASAN MEJOR ENTRE TUS BRAZOS
ME SIENTO NUEVO Y A NADA LE HAGO CASO

(each time that I am with you, there is no shadow or danger, the hours pass better in your arms, I feel new and I pay attention to nothing)

(verses repeat)

And here is the link so you can watch the video.  I am not wild about the video, I usually just listen to the song.

***sigh***

Such a beautiful song!

Posted in Me

I'm really bad with plants.  Really, really bad.  Which is a shame, because I have a huge yard that somebody could really do a lot with.  Just not me.

I also have no indoor plants.  I will not ever remember to water them.  I need a living being that will cry, bark, or follow me around if it needs to be fed.  Otherwise it will not happen.

In my ideal world, though, I would have a garden.  I finally gave in two years ago and decided to have a vegetable garden.  My daughter Gabrielle had been wanting a garden for years, and I mistakenly thought it would save money.  So we planted tomatoes and peppers (lots of peppers because I like them), zucchini, and radishes.  Nobody likes radishes but they are supposed to grow quickly and I thought it would be motivating.

We attempted the Square Foot Gardening method, and my friend Renee served as consultant and advisor.  When we went to harvest the radishes, there was nothing there.  I have no idea what happened.  Most of the pepper plants produced nothing.  We got some cherry tomatoes and some regular tomatoes before some disgusting worm/caterpillar thing infested the tomatoes.  The zucchini plant looked wonderful and was flowering and then completely died.  All that time and effort for a couple tiny peppers, a few banana peppers (which only Robert liked) and few tomatoes.  Not really worth it IMO.  Plus gardening is getting just a bit too close to nature for my comfort level.

For my birthday this year, my daughter Mary wanted to give me a tiger lily plant.  I really like tiger lilies.  My husband warned her that she would have to help water it.  Unfortunately, she drowned it.  It started to die, and I let the soil dry out (which took days).  Then I was going to start watering it at an appropriate level.  I was, I swear.  But now I think it's completely dead and the twins have broken the stalks, so it probably needs to be thrown away.  She probably won't buy me any more flowers!  What people need to get me (although it's most likely a waste of money anyway) are cut flowers that are already destined to die.  Then there is no guilt involved!

This year my daughters decided to resurrect the garden.  It is entirely their project.  I haven't even gone near it.  All I have done is buy them the seeds they wanted.  We'll see how it turns out.

But I have made the decision - and plants everywhere are applauding - to leave gardening to other people, ones who actually have some clue what they are doing.  As Kenny Rogers said in The Gambler, "You have to know when to fold 'em."

Posted in Me

For years I have read Mothering magazine whenever I got a chance: while waiting at the birth center, rare chances when I was waiting sans kids at the library, etc.  I bid on a year's subscription twice at a silent auction (I didn't win).  But I never subscribed.  Why?

Well, because I didn't want to subscribe to something that had a lot of views I disagree with.  I am not into environmentalism.  I do vaccinate my children.  While I have used cloth diapers in the past, I don't now.  I am not vegetarian nor will I ever be - one of the few things I have consistently liked this pregnancy is veal!  So I never wanted to give Mothering my money.

On the other hand, there are things that I am absolutely 100 percent in agreement with.  For example, a recent editorial decried the fact that babies are no longer carried in people's arms, something that has bothered me for years.  If you go to a LLL meeting, you can barely walk because the floor is littered with car seats!  I felt so strongly about this that I did not buy that kind of car seat for my twins.  Nowadays people take the car seat out of the car and attach it to the stroller and hardly touch their baby.  And I am a firm advocate of exclusive breastfeeding, to the extent that neither of my twins ever had a bottle.  Mothering also supports natural birth and homeschooling.

So it's like a Venn diagram with about 50% overlap.  However, last year, something pushed my thought process over the top and so this year, I decided to give myself a combination Mothers' Day/birthday present and subscribe.  Last year just before my husband lost his job and we decided that I would work, I read a book published by LLL called Hirkani's Daughters: Women Who Scale Modern Mountains to Combine Breastfeeding and Working.  Despite the really unfortunate title of that book, it taught me that it is possible to work and still be the kind of mother that I want to be.  I never really tried before because I didn't think it could work.  Of course, as all my avid readers know, I found out that I could actually be a happier/better mother by allowing myself to have interests once again.  This book highlights Mothering magazine as being one of the pioneers of employees bringing their children to work with them and combining both working and parenting.

At my first prenatal appointment this year, I searched the waiting room for copies of Mothering and was disappointed not to find any except an old one which I had already read.  And that's when I thought, "Why don't I just give in and subscribe to this magazine already?!"  So I did.

My first issue came this week.  I started reading it and immediately thought, "Ugh.  Why did I get this magazine?"  But that's because this issue seems to be highly focused on the part of the Venn diagram that doesn't overlap.  Hopefully the next issue will!  In any case, I am sure I will learn from it, and either I will finally get wanting to read Mothering out of my system or I will enjoy it and keep subscribing.  I'll let you know about this time next year.