Yesterday, while trying to take a much needed nap, God gave me a rebuke. 

I was wallowing in self -pitty, trying to understand why my children refuse to sleep and how badly I needed to just run away and get out of the house.  Schooling flopped last week and I was feeling very trapped, and needy.

Suddenly, all the noise going on out side of my room melted away as God became real to me once again.  He spoke with unheard words, directly to my heart,in a firm but loving voice.  He recognized my need to look at my life through his eyes. He let me know that when I understand why I am here and what he desires to accomplish in my family, only then will I stop feeling so closed in.  Then peace will be in my heart and I will no longer need to run from my family to regain my sanity.

None of this was this clear to me yesterday. I thought I knew why I was homeschooling, and what I was doing. Even this morning I was still confused...thinking I must be missing something big!

We went on with school and during our study of Egypt, my son asked the question that made it all clear to me.  Here is our conversation, somewhat paraphrased.

Tanner(6): "Momma, how do we know that our God is real?'

Dawson(4): "Well we worship our God."

Tanner: "I'm not talking to you!"

Me:   "Oh, let me tell you how we know our God is real..."  I was able to pass down to my boys, the oral history of all the amazing things God had done for our grandfathers and for us.  How God healed them while in my womb, how he has a special plan for their lives, how they are a blessing given to us by God. And how we can believe what the bible says, it is truth, and it tells us of our God.

And then things became even more clear to me.  I haven't given up my desires and loves in this world in order to teach my children math, science, reading, and writing.  No, I have been given the priviledge of passing on to my children the love of the Lord, his awesome acts, and the knowledge of his son Christ Jesus.  It is not man's wisdom that's concerns or makes it all worth while...it is the eternal life of my own children that spurs me. 

Now everything seems to be in proper perspective. 

 I really do not care what my children make of themselves in this world, what college they go to, what they do, as long as they love God and serve him with their lives.  Then my job, my calling, as wife, mother, teacher, has been worth it all. 

No longer will I need to run away from my family, but run to God with my children in my arms.

It feels like a revelation to me, I feel like John...if only I could write as well!

God still speaks!  Thank you God for searching my inner parts and knowing me better than I know myself.