Note: This is another of those blog entries that was written and shelved until I could process it a bit more.  God was sweet to bring it to my attention today, on a day when I needed a reminder that He is the author of my story, and it will be a sweet one.  It was originally written on March 15th.

When I realized that God was not going to bring my husband back home to us, I began exploring what I believed about dating and finding a mate.  I had been exposed to ideas about courtship, but they were fuzzy to me.  I hadn't really bothered to study the issue and really think them through, after all, my oldest child was only seven-years-old, so we weren't really thinking about that yet.  But when I faced the possibility of being asked out on a date myself, I decided that I really needed to determine what I expected of the boys, so I could model that method of courtship and marriage.

Well, it sounded good anyway.  I have actually come to realize that I was using my children to cover my real motives.  (Don't look so shocked.  We ALL use our children at times to cover our own motives, or to have or do something WE want to do.)  My real motive was control.  I figured if I had to go through this divorce thing, and be a single mom, so be it.  Let's just get on with the husband hunt and find whomever God had in mind to take over the leadership role in our family.  Amusingly enough, one of the books I read on my search to find Mr. Wonderful was Eric and Leslie Ludy's book When God Writes Your Love Story.  I say it is amusing, because God showed me today that I was still (am still?) trying to write my own story.  I was just using the appearance of noble motives to do it.

Today I listened to Seven Bible Truths Violated by Christian Dating by Dr. S.M. Bounds, which I bought some time ago through Vision Forum.  I have read many opinions about dating versus courtship, argued the pros and cons, and tried to explain to someone else what the difference was, even though in my mind I couldn't quite get past it often being a matter of semantics.  But listening to this CD really helped me solidify my ideas about the dangers of dating, the differences between dating and courtship, and the method which I believe is biblically taught and modeled.  Essentially dating is focused on finding a mate, and courtship is focused on waiting for God to bring you a mate.  Dating is self-centered, and courtship, when done correctly, really is God-centered.  It doesn't matter what you call it, if you are out searching for Mr. Wonderful, you are really dating, even  if you are dating with lots of boundaries. 

I won't go into a lot of detail here about what Dr. Bounds taught, but every minute of the CD had insight and wisdom.  It also convicted my heart of the way I have taken my love story out of God's hands.  I did it when I was a child. I did it when I was a teen.  I did it when I was a young woman.  And although it looks VERY different now, I have done it in the last several years also.  Not that I have chased anyone; in fact that is how it looks so different.  As a teenager I wore track shoes when it came to boys, and boy did I chase them!  I have marveled with wonder at the restraint and self-discipline I have been able to exercise over myself in recent years, and have declared again and again that God is changing me in wonderful ways! (OK, about a hundred more years at this rate, and I might be able to keep a clean house.  But I KNOW He can do it!)  Instead, my control has been evident in my discontentment with where God has put me, in my neglect of actively seeking His will in my service, in not protecting my heart and making myself too vulnerable emotionally, and in being far too preoccupied with watching for God to do what I want.

What I have been doing has been different; in fact, I have faced friends (Christian friends!) who were shocked!  I've been encouraged to try computer dating, getting involved in a Christian singles group, and other methods to "meet" men.  Fortunately, God has been working steadily on my faith in this area, and I have clung to the belief that God knows best and will bring best when the time is right.  I'm just starting to realize and accept that if I never marry again, THAT is God's best!!!  The hardest part about accepting this is that it challenges me to truly believe that God is enough and that I can be happy in whatever circumstance He puts me in.  It will also challenge me to change some behaviors and habits that contribute to my discontent.  In truth, I can't change myself much at all . . .  or maybe I can change me on the outside, simply redirecting the same old motives and idols that control me on the inside.  The hope comes in serving a God who CAN and DOES change people all the time.  In fact He's changed me . . . and He's not even done yet!  When He is, THAT will be a story worth reading!