Tonight I got the bright idea to plan some special Thanksgiving activities for my kids.  We seldom do those kinds of things--since I seldom think about it until . . . well . . . the day before Thanksgiving (when I'm also finally planning my menu and grocery shopping!)--and I feel kinda guilty that AJ doesn't get to do the Kindergarteny kinds of things very often, so I decided to do some fun stuff this year.  That meant tonight I spent about a gazillion hours surfing the Internet looking for cute, but minimal ideas.  I found 3.  Anyway, after doing that, I also decided to begin preparing my own heart for Thanksgiving by listing things I am thankful for between now and Thanksgiving.

The first thing that comes to mind this year is a group of women whom I came into contact with around the first of the year last year.  We all homeschool, and we all are single moms or have been single moms.  These ladies--MaryJo, MaggieRaye, Janet, Theresa, and Beth--came into my life at a time when I desperately needed the encouragement of women who truly knew what I was facing as a single homeschool mom.  They affirmed my call to homeschool, and proved to me over and over that it is possible, worthwhile, and rewarding.  Although I'm not in contact with them the way we were at first, I know I can count on them when I need special prayers for things, or advice on something, or an example of how faithful God is.  We still weep with each other, and rejoice with each other. 

There are a few other homeschool moms God has brought into my life for similar encouragement.  I'm thankful for Melissa, Tawanna, and several others as well.  I respect these women, and admire their faith in God and their belief that He will reward them for their very hard work.  I've posted about them before, but they are a blessing worth thanking God for again and again.  Thanks guys!  I love you each, and miss the more frequent contact we had earlier this year.  Know I am praying God's blessings on each of you!

Even though we are Christians, and object to the traditional meaning and celebration of Halloween, we as a family have chosen to dress up and enjoy some fun at our church party.  We have spent the day today, talking about how God is redeeming the world He created from the hands of his enemy, and we talked and remembered today the special work he did some 500 years ago in Wittenburg, Germany.  A monk named Martin Luther nailed 95 objections to the way the church was requiring God's people to practice their faith.  He called for a return to Christianity as it is instructed in the Bible, without the heavy influence of men, which leads to legalism and abuse.  Although Luther was not the first to object to some of the practices of the church leadership, his was vocal enough, and gained enough attention to set in motion a revival among God's people.  The church was purified and cleansed, and sadly, also fractured.  But a new church came out of these Protestant reformations.

It was not the first time God brought forth something new out of the old.  God has always been in the business of redeeming helplessly lost individuals and nations, transforming them from their week and wicked state to something mighty and righteous.  He did it for a pagan named Abraham, and repeatedly for Abraham's descendants who became the nation of Israel.  He did it for twelve men who were simple fishermen, and they became the foundation for the church today.  And He did it for me, a simple girl given over to selfishness and pride.  When I glimpse the things I am able to do today because of Him, I am astonished at the work He is doing in my life. 

This is part of the reason we love to dress up.  The boys love to be someone else for a time.  Two of them have told me this week, that Reformation Day (Halloween) is their favorite holiday second only to Christmas.  They LOVE to dress up.  I love it because it's one of the holidays that I spend money on that gives a year-long return, as they put on those costumes over and over again (Sorry guys, no hand-me-downs from our costumes!  They never live that long!)  And I love having the opportunity to remind them that there is someone special underneath that costume--someone real who God created for a special purpose, who emerges at a special time. 

God is in the business of transforming us, taking off our "costume" and exposing the real us underneath.  And much like I will with the three sweaty, dirty boys I will find underneath the Halloween costumes tonight after being outside all evening, God cleans us up, puts us in new clothes and delights in the people He reveals us to truly be.  Of course, it's even better, since God actually makes us into completely new creatures, while I only enjoy a temporarily cleaned-up version of the ones I pull out of costumes.  Fortunately, I have the privelege of gazing upon God's work as He changes my kids.  Now that is a costume change I can't wait to watch!!!

OK, I'm trying something new on HSBlogger, and I'm hoping it works. I've never uploaded photos here befored, so here goes.

I have received these photos several time through e-mail, and love the warm fuzzies they give me each time I see them.  Evidently in a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to cubs that died from complications.  When the mother tiger started declining in health, the veternarians decided she needed a substitute.  Wrapping some piglets in hides from the cubs that had died, the vets gave them to the mother tiger, who accepted the piglets as her own babies.

What struck me anew today when I saw this photo is how much like that mama tiger I am.  I always knew I wanted a large family.  My best friend has six children and I love the hustle and bustle of her house.  I would have loved to have more children, but then my husband left, and since remarrying hasn't happened as quickly as I would have hoped, I'm left with a need that is only partly fulfilled.  Fortunately for me, my wise caretaker, the very One who put that need there in me, knew about it even before it was tested. 

Much like the mother tiger, He has placed lots of surrogates into my life, wrapping them in the skin of covenant family so they smelled like my beloved Jesus.  On several occasions when I have first started keeping a new family of kids, I thought there was no way I could handle it, and thank goodness I didn't have more!  But it hasn't taken long for God to induce me with the smell of Jesus to love those children as my own.  I am still thrilled to the core when each of those kids I've kept gives me some special acknowledgement that reminds me of the special relationship we've built by being together and living real life together.  I have actually hurt over "losing" them when their moms decided to stay home (though I'm thrilled that they get to be with their own mamas and that their moms get to be with them), or when their school schedules made it no longer necessary for me to keep them.

I am grateful when I remember that God knows my needs--after all, He put them there.  And it is helpful to me to be reminded that even though sometimes it looks like the things we need aren't going to be given to us, sometimes it's just that God plans to astonish us by meeting those needs in unexpected ways.  I love it now when I have four, or six, or seven, or nine children in my house because it satisfies that desire in me to have a housefull.  Isn't God amazing?

    Take care, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil,
    unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living
    God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is
    called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the
    deceitfulness of sin. For we share in Christ, if only we
    hold our first confidence firm to the end.    Hebrews 3:12-14

I have personally watched someone I love be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin, and it is a frightening thing to witness.  It is tragic to go from being one person to becoming a radically different one in the process, especially when there are broken hearts littering the wake of the transformation.  But the most frightening thing to me is the responsibility one must finally accept when the fog lifts and you are finally left standing looking at the ruins of unbelief.  I want to cry when I think of that moment in the future of this beloved person.

It also scares me how quickly the slide into such a transformation can gain momentum.  With the one I loved, it seemed like sin took hold in just over a period of months.  Now in all reality, that change probably started below the surface long before I saw it, but the effect on me has been to humble me with the realization of how quickly and completely sin can rip us away from God.  Seeing it happen so close to me has left me with the constant prayer that God would keep me from ever getting far away from Him.  Maybe that's why life seems to continue to be hard for me . . . and maybe I really don't want the ease and comfort that wealth and success can bring.  It also makes me glad that I have friends who won't stand to see sin in my life.  They are courageous enough to confront me when I mess up, willing to be instruments used to rescue me from myself.

Perhaps there is somewhere reading this right now, and you are beginning to feel yourself slip. I've been there . . . repeatedly.  I know when my heart is becoming hardened.  In those hours of sheer rebellion I have learned to be honest with God--to cry out to Him and admit that I'm on the run and I don't even want to come home.  I have begged Him to once again be like Hosea and chase after His wayward wife . . . because I really want to be with Him . . . I just don't want to leave the familiar comforts of my sin.  I urge you, if you are slipping to return to Him or to beg Him to chase after  you.  I have seen where the unbelieving heart can lead a person, and I fear going there. I beg you to turn back now while there's time.

Sow for yourselves righteousness,
     reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
     for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes
     and showers righteousness on you.   Hosea 10:12 (NIV)

When I first heard about the death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, I felt a sense of loss much like I have seen from others around the world.  He was a part of our family for a long time before we eliminated our television access, and even after that we would enjoy renting a video or movie of his.  I remember my favorite episode.  It was a documentary look at his life, with interviews with his family and information about how he came to love wildlife and pursue its conservation.  He was my oldest son's hero for such a long time, and gave me the opportunity to show Josh how you can combine things you love and make a career out of them.

As I have timidly tried to track information about his death and memorial, I came across the following interview where he said:

I think the proudest thing that I’ve achieved professionally is global wildlife conservation.  The proudest thing I’ve achieved personally is my children.  Is there anything in this world that would make me want to give away what I’m doing now?  Yes.  Yes there is.  When my children can take the football that I call wildlife conservation and run it up.  When they’re ready to run up our mission, I’ll gladly step aside, and I guarantee you that it’ll be the proudest moment of my life, and my job will be done like my mum and my dad . . . . Then and only then will I know that I have achieved my ultimate goal: to be able to stand aside, and let them run up my mission.  ‘Cause that’s what I did for my mum and dad . . . . I’m just doing what they wanted me to do.  They created a wildlife warrior.  I am that . . . to varying degrees, and I’m able to run that ball up, and I’m running it up.  The opposition's hard, but I ain’t stoppin’ until my kids can run it up for me, and then I’ll stand aside like my dad.

I thought a lot about his comments.  I am all for wildlife conservation and the protection of the earth God made.  I think it is a core part of the mandate God gave us to go and subdue the earth.  I don't believe God ever intended for us to trash His incredibly diverse and beautiful world the way we have, and those results are even more evidence of the fall and of the way sin ravages everything it touches.  But Steve's comments disturbed something within me.

While I believe in wildlife conservation, I do not believe it is the ultimate mission in life.  You see, Revelations tells us that this earth will pass away, and God will bring forth a new heaven and a new earth.  As believers, our primary concern it to be the souls that will fill up that new heaven and new earth for eternity.  We are to be more passionate about the Eternal Kingdom than we are about the Animal Kingdom.  Again, let me state that I totally support work done to protect and preserve wildlife.  The mission to reclaim everything on the earth for God's glory extends to the animal kingdom, the arts, business, and every other avenue that God has created, within which things live, move and exist.  Even when God is not the center of focus in the work to redeem these things for Him, those who are unaware of His using them are being used. 

I guess what disturbed me in the quote is not knowing for whom Steve Irwin was reclaiming wildlife.  If it is only for our children, then our efforts are futile, for our children and every generation after them will live transient lives.  If I do not have an eternal focus, for how long do I care that things should be good?  BUT . . . if my focus is on eternity, and on glorifying the Creator whose beauty and creativity are magnified in His creation . . . now THAT is a reason to reclaim the world!!

One other thing that bothered me in these comments.  The world applauds this man who has such a passion for his cause, and I applaud him for the vision he has for passing it on to his children.  But as believers, do we have this kind of burning passion for our God?  Do we live to pass on the football of our faith to them?  Do we believe that it will be the proudest moment of our lives, when they bid us to step aside so they can run ahead of us with it?  Do we really burn for this, or do we just say we do?  To me, this quote captures the essence of scripture in how the faith should be passed on: generation to generation, handing it down to the covenant family one generation at a time, always aware of what is at stake if it is dropped. 

I must admit, I'm a bit convicted by my lack of passion for handing down the knowledge of God and the fire to stand against the opposition and press on.  May God remind me of this for a long time to come.

 

When the LORD your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations--the Hittites, Girga****es, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, seven nations larger and stronger than you--and when the LORD your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy. Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the LORD's anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you. This is what you are to do to them: Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire.  For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.           Deut 7:1-6 (NIV)

"But now, O our God, what can we say after this? For we have disregarded the commands you gave through your servants the prophets when you said: 'The land you are entering to possess is a land polluted by the corruption of its peoples. By their detestable practices they have filled it with their impurity from one end to the other.  Therefore, do not give your daughters in marriage to their sons or take their daughters for your sons. Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them at any time, that you may be strong and eat the good things of the land and leave it to your children as an everlasting inheritance." Ezra 9:10-12

I have an unbelieving husband.  Actually, being the rescued prostitute that I am, I have several.  One of my unbelieving husbands stays mostly in the living room.  He has one big glass eye, and lets me think I am controlling him (from any spot in the room, no less!), but he is really controling me, sending me messages about what to think and believe, regardless of what I think I am choosing.  He calls to me constantly to come and spend time with him, and even when I try to leave the room and ignore his voice, he has clones in several other rooms of the house which echo his message.

Another of my unbelieving husbands sits on the desk in my bedroom.  He beckons me every morning to listen to his messages.  He can appear to be quite innocent, and sometimes the things I do with him fit well into my mandate to worship and enjoy God, but then there are times when he calls to me, and instead I squander time with him on wasteful things. (Like Zoo Tycoon!)

I shared this illustration last week in my last Sunday School (hooray!), and got a laugh, but in some sense it is very serious.  As I looked at the problem of intermarriage in Israel (a problem they repeated over and over thorughout their histroy), I asked myself how in the world this applied to me.  Even though I'm not married, I have no intention of marrying an unbeliever.  In fact, I'm going to be pretty picky about the believer I marry, even if that means it will never happen.  But as I thought about the scripture, I realized that the idea behind forbidding intermarriage is really summed up in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, which says:

The issue is not merely marriage, but the joining together of believers to the world.  We do this in so many ways.  Some do it in education--allowing the government schools to influence our children's thoughts and beliefs.  I have done it by allowing too much--or maybe any--movies into my children's lives.  I watch friends and family do it in music lyrics they drum in their heads song after song, day after day . . . in the TV shows the tune into with anticipation each week . . . in the games they line up to buy, hot off the shelf.  What we watch, read, listen to, shapes who we are . . . shapes a part of what we will always be.  And we are joined.  In whom does our spouse believe?

The saddest thing about unbelieving spouses is the only means of breaking from their control: we have to send them away. 

    "Within three days, all the people of Judah and Benjamin had gathered in Jerusalem. This took place on December 19, and all the people were sitting in the square before the Temple of God. They were trembling both because of the seriousness of the matter and because it was raining. Then Ezra the priest stood and said to them: "You have sinned, for you have married pagan women. Now we are even more deeply under condemnation than we were before. Confess your sin to the LORD, the God of your ancestors, and do what he demands. Separate yourselves from the people of the land and from these pagan women."                                 Ezra 10:9-11

The illusions that we perceive in the world around us with our physical senses are but parables of a reality we have yet to truly conceive.  Every experience offers a peek into the reality of heaven to come.

The Stink of Sin

I smelled it half way up the stairs.  Poop.  Baby poop.  Now why was I smelling it two rooms away?  Even the most potent, offensive poops weren't usually that pungent.  As I swung the door open, I realized why.  A cockeyed diaper and a poorly timed poop had resulted in a very messy baby . . . and dress . . . and playpen.  It was a full-bath mess.  She had it all over her--in her face, on her hands, both feet . . . it was everywhere . . . and it stunk from rooms away.  So I put her in the bathtub, took off her dirty clothes, and washed away the filth, leaving only the clean smell of baby soap.  She screamed.  She didn't like being thrown into the tub right after her nap.  She didn't like the water in her face.  She didn't like all the scrubbing of the drying poo stuck to her.  She had a different plan, and she couldn't see the mess she was in.  So she cried.  And I gently talked to her and cleaned the poo off her bit by bit, until she was clean.  Then I put a new diaper and a t-shirt on her, and took her down for a snack and some play time.

My life is much like what the baby girl I keep went through today.  I was stinky and messy, smearing my mess all around me, and anyone could smell it from miles away.  God came in, and He has been gently cleaning me off ever since.  Most days, I can't see the stinky sin still hanging on me, and I'm tired of being wiped and rinsed and cleaned, so I cry (or sometimes just whine!).  But I'm beginning to smell less of the smell of sin, and more of the lovely fragrance of holiness, which is just how my beloved Father smells.  I can't wait for the day when I get the new robes and the banquet!  Maybe then I'll quit crying!

Preventing Overgrowth

I spent part of the afternoon helping my son weed the decorative bed outside my door.  We had neglected it too long, and the weeds were way overgrown.  The worst part?  They were spreading into the grass, beginning to take life-giving nutrients and space to what I wanted there.  The odd thing to me is that most of the weeds I fight don't have a flower or anything of perceived beauty.  Now having had elementary science repeatedly, I know that flowers are usually how plants reproduce.  So where do the seeds to all these weeds come from?  Not that it matters, they are just there, and they grow fast and spread fast.  And to get rid of them . . . you have to pull them out at the roots and throw them immediately away.  When they are way overgrown, you have to just pick a place and start pulling.  You can't pick one type of weed to remove, you have to pick a spot and remove them all.  You move on to one new spot after another, until it is clean and lovely again.  Then you have to keep watching for new weeds and keep pulling over and over again.

Again, my life is like the weedy bed, full of weeds of sin I have let grow too long.  I wring my hands and wonder what sin to tackle first, when instead I need to pick a spot and just remove everything as I see it.  Then I have to move on, all the while watching for new weeds to come poking through the soil of my heart.  And just as I did with the bed today, I might even need help pulling them up . . . if the job is a big one.

It amazes me how much spiritual truth I see and learn in my life and the lives of my children (my own and those given to me on much more temporary loan).

Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

This verse was sent to me this morning, another example (as if I needed any more!) of how God's Word is alive and active, always teaching something new.  I've quoted this verse a hundred times, and heard it even more!  Yet this morning it exposed my heart . . . again. 

As a single mom, my desire is to marry again.  At times, it is almost a consuming desire.  I believe it is a godly desire, but it can often get out of control and become the focus of my life, instead of a desire I submit to God.  I must admit lately it has taken over, and I am no longer delighting in the Lord.  Guess I have some work to do today.

Just as a side note, I don't believe this is any guarantee that I will get what I want, but that I will want what I get.

I grew up like most little girls with a very deceptive impression of what love looks like.  I grew up dreaming of being the rescued princess, or the adored singer, or someone admired for her beauty and talent.  While to some degree these dreams are a part of how God wired me as a woman, they also have an unrealistic expectation attached to them, an expectation formed more by Disney movies and fairy tales than by God's promises. I still fight it to these notions of love to this day.  But in the last few years, God has been teaching me about my heart, and about what love really looks like. 

In high school, I lived for boys.  I'm not proud of that now, but it was true--my life revolved around whatever boy I was interested in at the time.  Part of that was based on my very right desire to be married and have a family, but I was never taught a better way to go about fulfilling that desire, so I resorted to what every other girl I knew used--flirting and dating.  My concept of love changed as I was married and I was challenged to love when my husband was hard to love, and it was stretched to the limit when he left and I had to make the decision to trust God with our future and continue to try to love him in case God brought him back.  In time, I sensed that bringing him home might not be God's plan, and found myself considering the possibility that He might bring someone else into that place of leadership that was missing in my life.  The first time after my husband left when I found myself even remotely interested in someone, I hated feeling like that foolish teenage girl again. I fought that interest with everything I had, and apologized for it often to the very few friends with whom I shared my new feelings. 

Fortunately God brought that interest into my life to teach me about my heart.  One of the lies I have repeatedly battled is that I am not worth being loved--that no one would be attracted to me, that no one would ever want to marry me, that I am alone for good.  It has been fueled by the fact that in over four years no one has shown any interest in pursuing me (never mind that I don't exactly move in arenas that are generously populated with godly single men--in moments of self-pity, that fact doesn't help!)  But God has reminded me time and again, that it is not my worth that has prevented me from finding Mr. Right, it is God's hand of protection.  In moments of faithlessness, I wonder if that sounds like a frail attempt to comfort myself, but in more lucid times I know that it is truth.  God knows the tenderness of my heart and how easily I can hurt.  He knows that I really don't want to go through the kind of heartbreak that I experienced in my divorce.  And He has recently reminded me of the fierce loyalty of my heart--when I love someone, it takes an earthquake to make me let go--so it is a very good thing that He protects me.

My Beloved has also taught me many things about love and relationships as I have dreamed, read, watched friends' mistakes and blessings, and practiced loving others in all kinds of relationships (Thanks God, for friends who have been my place to practice!).  For instance:

• The only human relationships that are eternal are those between brothers and sisters in Christ, so those relationships above all others must be considered and protected.  For me this has meant not pushing my plan and desires on someone else, but instead waiting on God to move the relationship in the direction He desires.  Even in a marriage, remembering the relationship of brother and sister in Christ can help a couple maintain servant's attitudes toward each other.
• Really loving someone means wanting what is best for them, even if that is not you.  I knew I was on the right track when I could pray, "God I really want your best for him. Bring the right woman into his life."
• Loving someone causes you to serve them even when it hurts to do so. Serving them might mean giving something up--even them, or it might mean maintaining a relationship where their failure to return your interest hurts.  It also means that anything I do in the relationship is done without the expectation of something (even affection) in return.  (I have to pray for God to purify these and reveal these kinds of motives CONSTANTLY!)
• Loving another human being means constantly staying alert for idolatry, because the feeling of love can quickly become an obsession that distracts me from the Lord.  As a single woman even I have trouble with this--I love the idea of being in love!  It can consume me in a flash . . . and right now being consumed by that can lead me straight into self-pity and depression!
• Loving someone means being forbearing enough to not abandon them or pressure them when they don't fit into your expectations.  It means loving them even when they disagree and are different from you. (It is easy when you are divorced to react by looking for someone "perfect," or at least perfectly in line with your ideas, principles and expectations, so that you never have to go through that again.  Unfortunately, there is no one perfect enough.)
• The purpose of marriage is not satisfaction, but sanctification.  For this reason, I can expect the man I marry to rub at my rough edges a little.  We are sanctified by serving, so I can expect that really loving someone will mean serving him more than being served--or at least feeling like that is the case!
• Loving someone, even if that love is never returned, is a profitable act.  (Thanks Pastor, for this point in the sermon today!)  When we love as God loves--wholeheartedly, and sacrificially, with no expectation of returns--it pleases Him and HE will bless it.  It might not be with the perfect marriage . . . or any marriage at all, but He will give us His strength and joy and much more!
• The things I have learned about love should be applied to anyone God brings into my life.  Although there are some people that for me are "easy" to love, I am to choose to love anyone God brings across my path with the same energy, enthusiasm and determination with which I would love the most perfect guy.

There are days that it is hard to love.  I can actually feel the urge to pull away, live for myself, and run away from this choice that makes me so vulnerable to being hurt again.  But there is something in me (hmmm . . . the Holy Spirit, maybe?) that gently reminds me that when I step across the threshold of eternity, it will all be worth it.  And being in some very little way like God . . . sharing His heart . . .that's what really makes loving worth it.

It has been a hard weekend for me . . . well, in some ways.

I had a photography job this weekend.  That wasn't the hard part.  That made me ecstatic, because seeing God bless a photography career for me would thrill me to death, and this is my THIRD job this summer.  But the hard part was that the job took me over into the other side of town. 

The south side of town was where I spent my college and young married years.  Even driving through it brought bittersweet memories of sleeping in on our day off, then going to Granny and Gramps' house to hang out.  My husband and I worked side by side at the same supermarket where we met . . . and fell in love.  (Yeah, kind of weird that we fell in love at a supermarket!)  He grew up in that area, and to make the emotional experience just a little harder, I decided to drive by his old house while my heart screamed, "What are you doing?!?!?!"  It was hard seeing things just the same . . . and changed so much.  And I missed him again like I haven't in a long time.  And of course, I cried once more for him.

The job was a fiftieth wedding anniversary.  It was so sweet.  The wife is mentally slipping away, but to watch her family love her, talk to her and care for her reminded me of what it means to really be loved.  I miss big family get-togethers.  I wonder who will take care of me when I am old.  I grieve that I will likely never know a fiftieth wedding anniversary.  But it was sweet to be reminded of that kind of love.

Then today I attended a very serious meeting at church.  Our church takes scriptural instruction on church discipline very seriously and literally, and so eight or ten members in serious sin whom the church leaders have pursued through the discipline process but who are unrepentant were announced.  It brought back memories of that being done to try to bring my husband to repentance, and I wept again for him . . . and prayed again for his return to the God and the family who love him.  I wept for the others who have been let go to chase the sins they demanded, and prayed that God would not let them chase it forever, but would return them to Himself and the church.  Some of them were men and women I loved dearly.  It hurts to see them rebel . . . and to know what kind of pain they and their families are facing.  I prayed again that God would never let me go long in sin without REALLY bothering my conscience to the point of repentance.  I would rather die and be with the Lord than to live a lengthy life in sin and rebellion.

Any wonder why I can't sleep tonight?

I never get used to being startled by seeing something new in a Bible passage that I've studied a million times.  Tonight I saw something new, in of all books, Genesis!  Now how many times have I read Genesis?

When did Eve receive her name?  Give up?  It was AFTER she and Adam were arraigned and condemned for their sin.  I wondered at this.  Until then, she was simply "Ishah,"  woman or wife.  After that Adam named her "Evah" or life, because she was to be the mother of all the living.  Originally I wondered if she was renamed to show the new separation between the man and his wife; now they had two individual wills and natures and a divided flesh.  Oddly enough, not a single one of the commentators I read made this point.

Instead they pointed out the blessings of Eve's name.  Life reminded her that although she would have pain in childbirth, life would come from her.  She would bring forth life, even though they deserved death.  Her name pointed to the ONE who would destroy death and bring life and immortality.  And it was a reminder that although they had disobeyed, God had not removed His blessed command that they "be fruitful and multiply."

It is interesting to me that Adam was the one to name her, not God.  The boys and I learned last year that he who names is the one who rules.  This is why we so often see God rename individuals as He claims His rule over their lives.  By virtue of the fact that Adam named Eve, he assumed his role of authority in her lfe. Lest we let our 21st century culture create some suspicion of dominance, remember that Adam named her "Life," even though she carried some of the blame for their death sentence.  (And in fact, Adam himself had quite recently tried to shift all the blame to her!)  One of the blessings in Eve's curse was that her subjection was to her husband instead of an enemy or a stranger, and in so being it would be to one who loved her and would care for her.  Adam immediately shows how her subjection to him would be blessed by the name he chose for her.

I was telling a friend tonight how amazed I am that I can read a scripture over and over, study it, meditate upon it, read new insights into it and then read it again ang WHAM!! Something new pops out.  How can anyone think of this as just another book?  It boggles my mind! 

Oh to have just an ounce of the spiritual depth and understanding of great men like Oswald Chambers!  Then again, I'm not sure I could actually live up to that much understanding, so I am content being ignorant!  God has really been using my readings in My Utmost for His Highest to challenge my thinking on obedience.

It is not natural to obey, nor is it necessarily sinful to disobey.  There is no moral virtue in obedience unless there is a recognition of a highest authority in the one who dictates. It is possibly an emancipation to the other person if he does not obey. . . . A man is a slave for obeying unless behind his obedience there is a recognition of a holy God.

In this passage I began to wonder how it is NOT possible to disobey and not necessarily sin.  Isn't all disobedience sin?  But the context of this statement is legalism--the imposing of rules for worship on one person by another.  Chambers says, If one man says to another--"You must," and --"You shall," he breaks the human spirit and unfits it for God.  Imposing rules of legalism means imposing rules which are not God's, and thence disobedience may be necessary to perform God's will for a person's life. Without the authority of God behind rules and requirements, obedience can be enslaving. 

Another thought on obedience that challenged me to think it through was that obedience in only possible between equals;  it is the relationship between father and son, not between master and servant.  Hmmm . . . do my children obey me because we are equals?  Do I obey God because we are equals?  Then I realized, I obey God because in Christ, I have been made a joint heir.  Christ IS God, so I guess in a way, I have been treated as an equal, not in substance or power, but in worth.  And as for my children, it is clear what happens when children are forced into "obedience" by parents who treat them with less value--they hit an age when they rebel!  I can be in authority over my children and require obedience, all the while treating them as equal in value and worth.  This is grace parenting, and it brings about much more genuine results than heavy-handed, forced compliance.  Compliance is so different than obedience!

The last thought, and one I really loved was that:

God educates us by means of people who are a little better than we are, not intellectually, but "holily," until we get under the domination of the Lord Himself, and then the whole attitude of the life is one of obedience to Him.

This passage made me think of all the people who are superior to me "holily."  A friend ten years my junior who never lets a conversation pass without making me think about God' place in my daily struggle.  One of my "moms" who constantly models for me generosity, a love of scriptures, and a life of sacrifice and surrender to the different plan God had for her in contrast to her own plan.  There are so many saints God has put into my life to callenge me to a higher attitude of obedience, and I am SO grateful for them! 

As I look back on what I have just written, it all seems like ramblings to me.  Probably you will walk away thinking, "Huh?"  But I'm glad I'm thinking about these things.  God is really showing me that I need to be deliberate and immediate in my obedience.  Today, as Andrew and I were working on his reading lesson, he was playing with a McDonald's toy.  I asked him to give it to me, so I could move it out of his reach and recapture his attention.  THREE times I asked for it, so when I finally got it, I pitched it in the garbage.  He cried and cried over it.  Then he rebelled some more, angry that I would take his toy away for good.  Until the second rebellion, I was really second guessing my choice of discipline, but at the point he resisted my correction, I knew I couldn't go back on it.  The toy had to stay in the trash, or he would learn to rebel to get what he wanted.  I learn so much from my kids.  How often do I put God in the same position?  How often must he permanently take something from me to break through my rebellion.  Do I really understand how dangerous disobedience is to me, or how offensive and vile it is to God?  It is my prayer that I will become more sensitive . . . and more sensitive to my attitudes of rebellion and disobedience . . . immediately . . .  deliberately . . .obediently.  After all, I tell the boys, "Slow obedience is not obedience."

Yeah, I know there's no part one yet.  It's in draft form, but I realized I was getting off track from what I actually wanted to write this morning! 

More of what God is showing me through Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest:

The golden rule for understanding spiritually is not intellect, but obedience. . . . If things are dark to me, then I may be sure there is something I will not do . . . . spiritual darkness comes because of something I do not intend to obey.

How many times do I complain that I don't understand something in scripture?  That I can't understand it?  Yesterday I began searching my heart for those things I have quietly, secretly told God I will not do.  I want to be "made sensitive to things I have never thought of before!"

We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite . . . . What we call the process, God calls the end.

 

What is my dream of God's purpose?  His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now . . . . that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walkingon the sea.

 

God's training is for now, not presently.  His purpose is for this minute, not for something future . . . . God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my lfie just now.  If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

OK, Lord, I get it.  Once again I'm being hit with "live and obey" NOW! Lose the fantasy world, the dream-life of what would be "perfect."  What He has given me now is perfect.  Live it!  And how do I define success? An immaculately kept house . . . graduating my children who go on to complete college and have successful careers . . . a terrific second marriage . . . a prosperous business (or two . . .or three)? God is teaching me now about order and stewardship.  He is giving me opportunities now to train my childrens' characters (as He works ahead of me on them).  He is willing to be my Kinsman-Redeemer now, my beloved husband.  And do I not have enough work to do? 

While there is value in thinking ahead toward a goal, living for that goal is not always wise.  As my son is learning to type (with much frustration and complaining), I remind him that it is an invaluable skill that will bring him much benefit for the futre.  But to get through the course, he can't sit around pondering the value of typing when he's in high school, or college, or beyond.  He has to practice and work hard on  . . .well . . .  typing!  He has to do the work now.  So must I.  God has given me things to do now.  I need to enjoy His presence in those lessons and processes now, even if they are hard and miserable. 

Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and the Master you are serving is Christ. Col 3:23-24

What is the inheritance I am to remember? Christ IS the inheritance!  Could there be a better end to keep in sight?

In college I was a Lit. Major.  Well, for a semester--I majored in a lot of other things for a semester too, but we won't go into that here! One of the recurring themes in literature is the imperative of "know thyself."  The main character sets off on some adventure or tragedy, and comes to understand himself better.  In fact, he must do this, for this is the purpose of his existence.  This theme is present in much of the world's great literature (except maybe some modern literature), and it probably could be argued is the theme of all literature.  All literature, that is, but the Bible.

"Know thyself" is NOT the biblical imperative.  "The initiative of the saint is not towards self-realization, but towards knowing Jesus Christ."  In the Bible, we can only come to know ourselves as we truly are by knowing Jesus.  Only in the reflection of his holiness can we get an accurate picture of our sinfulness.  This is why diligent, careful study of the Word of God is critical for the believer.  But it is not merely through the study of the Word that we come to know Jesus.  "The spiritual saint never believes circumstances to be haphazard, or thinks of his life as secular and sacred; he sees everything he is dumped down in as the means of securing the knowledge of Jesus Christ . . . . Every phase of our actual life has its counterpart in the life of Jesus."  When I am living as God intended me to live, I see His hand behind every occurance of my life, from the lost keys to the trip to the emergency room to the husband who just walked out on me. 

Furthermore, every event or opportunity laid before me is to be evaluated and done with considerations and anticipation of how it reveals to me the knowledge of Christ.  "The aim of the spiritual saint is 'that I may know Him.'  It is when I get too caught up in "knowing myself" that I lose direction, motivation, and satisfaction.  I see this problem especially in the way we in the church assign ministry.  "In Christian work the initiative is too often the realization that something has to be done and I must do it" but for one who understands true spirituality, "his aim is to secure the realization of Jesus Christ in every set of circumstances."

If we are to faithfully follow our call to know Jesus, we must understand the roles and work HE has called us to at this time in our lives, and see in it whatever He is trying to teach us of Himself.  This might not fit neatly into what others in our life see as our roles, work, or ministry.  Even Jesus had a season of staying home and caring for his family (thirty years, in fact!).  Jesus had seasons of withdrawl into solitude, and he had seasons of public, visible ministry.  This must never be an excuse for us to refuse to do what we are clearly being called to do. I know I have been guilty of making excuses.  But we must also not feel guilty when our season of ministry looks different than what we or others think it should look like.  We must look for Jesus to reveal Himself in the season and work in which He has placed us.

These are questions that I just know would help me handle the ways that I fail being like my Bible heroes.

• How many times did Job complain to God before his season of being severely tested?
• Did the Proverbs 31 woman ever yell at her kids?
• Was Ruth ever tempted to tell mother-in-law jokes?
• What did Mary do when one of the kids broke her favorite cooking pot?
• Did Elizabeth ever think, "Man, I sound like my mother . . . or grandmother!"
• Didn't Jabez have any difficulties?
• Who took care of Deborah's children while she was judging Israel?
• If Solomon was so wise, why didn't he know how dumb he was being (700 wives?  At what point do you wonder if you really want more women squabbling and another mother-in-law?)?

I know there are answers to these questions, and they probably wouldn't make me feel any better about my frequent failings, but I'd like to think these were normal people like me!

"Resting in the Lord does not depend on external circumstances at all, but on your relationship to God Himself . . .  . Fussing always ends in sin . . . Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way . . . . Fretting is wicked if you are a child of God . . .  . All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God." 

Oswald Chambers

This morning my devotional reading was from Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest.  I am just grateful that God gave me a few days to begin dealing with the sin He showed me on my own, before showing me how very wrong it is.  I have been given lately to worrying over the future.  Really worrying!  Things in my life are just not going as I had planned them, or on the timetable I had planned them.  In fact, nothing has really happened lately the way I would have it.  And taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ is so very hard (I have a wonderful imagination!). 

I realized that a big part of my problem is the "calculating without God."  In the world I see, A + B + C always equals D.  So things like single moms staying home and homeschooling, raising boys to be godly men without a Christian dad in their lives, making ends meet when you still haven't figured out what you should be doing to earn extra income, and managing you health without health insurance--these things just don't make any sense.  They don't add up!  But look at them this way:

A + B + C + a Great BIG GOD = ANY POSSIBILITY!

Remember:

• God created the world out of nothing and man out of dirt!
• God split a sea to let a bunch of fugitives escape their pursuing captors.
• God caused the sun to stand still so a battle could be won.
• God defeated an army before His army even arrived at the battle!
• God used a shepherd boy to defeat a giant . . . and to become one of His greatest kings!
• God used a humble girl to bring His own Son into the world.
• God used the death of His perfect Son to bring life to a bunch of sinners.

Do any of these things make sense?  Not to me.  Do I need to worry about what doesn't make sense in my own life?  Don't think so.

One of the things I desire in homeschooling my boys, is to have more opportunities to see where their hearts are.  Being with them so much affords me many opportunities to see their sins, and their strengths, and to assess and work on training their hearts.  But often, God reminds me that while I homeschool them for His glory, He is homeschooling me for His glory as well.  This issue of my heart is as important to Him as theirs is to me (and to Him too!).

In the last few years, God has startled me with how vulnerable my heart is.  My tendancy is to be very trusting, fiercely loyal, and to lay my life open to whomever will listen to me. (I'm writing to potentially millions of people about my heart right now.  If that doesn't prove it, I don't know what does!) I give my friendship and my love easily, and tend to avoid conflict so I will give even when I don't get what I want or expect.  Unfortunately, I am gradually becoming more aware of how vulnerable that makes me with regards to a future relationship with a man.  I have begun asking myself how I guard my heart, and what it looks like for a single woman who is no longer under the authority of her parents (or perhaps who no longer has parents on this earth, as in my case) to "court" or to anticipate a new relationship. 

Part of my struggle has been in trying to translate all the literature on courting, geared toward teens and young adults, into a situation where the individuals involved are older and more mature.  But lately I have discovered that the real issue for me is in learning to keep my thoughts about the future under control.  Fears, worries, dreams, expectations, and imaginations creep into the day, offering both relief and aggravation of the existing pains of being single.  The relief is like a drug that dulls the pain only long enough for it to wear off and leave me more lonely and frustrated.  For me, at least right now, deciding to court involves waiting on God's timing and selection of the man, especially when I think I see a choice selection!  It involves not letting the wounds of my divorce and disappointment at being single again rob me of the delightful blessings that God has given me today. 

But I have also discovered that this issue of controling my thoughts is hard!  Contentment requires constantly refocusing my mind and heart on the Lord Jesus, on His beauty and love, and on the suffiiciency of Him.  This reason this is so hard is that my imaginations about the future and what I want tend to run away with me.  This week, I am trying to replace such "vain imaginations" and "pretend conversations" with truths--scriptures and songs that focus me on the goodness of Christ and on His love for me. 

I Will Listen

by Twila Paris

Hard as it seems, living in dreams

Where is the dreamer now?

Wonder if I, wanted to try

Would I remember how?

I don't know the way to go from here

But I know that I have made my choice

This is where I stand until He moves me on,

And I will listen to His voice.

This is the faith, patience to wait

When there is nothing clear

Nothing to see, still we believe

Jesus is very real

I cannot imagine what will come

But I've already made my choice

And this is where I stand

Until He moves me on

And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see

If I will learn to love the dreams

that He has dreamed for me?

Can't imagine what the future holds

But I've already made my choice

And this is where I stand

Until He moves me on

And I will listen to His voice.

As I prepare a Sunday School lesson for the month of August, I am studying the book of Nehemiah. (Have I mentioned that ?)  While reading a commentary a couple nights ago, I found something interesting.  I was exploring the significance of Israel being called "the land of milk and honey."  Obviously the idea is one of fertility and plenty, not just plenty of food for sustenance (milk), but of food for pleasure (honey).  But the concept of living in a land of abundant provision also came with an understanding that the provision was linked to a relationship with the Most High God.  Israel received provision in abundance as long as she remained in fellowship with her God.  Whenever she strayed from her God and followed the false gods of the surrounding nations, God promised that she would not benefit from the blessings of provision.  This makes perfect sense logically, since God is the source of life, while sin and Satan (the "gods" of the surrounding nations) are the source of death. 

As I was considering my lesson, I was working on the question, what is the Christian life supposed to look like?  How is it described?  The connection is uncanny.  As believers, we are commanded to "love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves."  Christ directed us that "by this all men will know you are mine, that you love one another."  We are to love our enemies, and to do good to one another.  We are to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit how?  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control with whom?  Ourselves?  No.  In relationship!  The promised land of God is not one of abundance unto ourselves.  It is a land of relationship, where we share all that God has given us with others who need it, and where we receive what we need from the abundance God has given others. 

I considered the connection between these two ideas, the relationship with God in the Old Testament and the relationship with each other in the New Testament church, and it made perfect sense to me!  In these days of living under the New Covenant, our inward relationship to God is expressed in our outward relationship with other believers.  And that relationship spills out on our neighbors, our friends, and even our enemies.  Actually this idea was present in the very legal structure of Israel, as they were given laws govening their relationship to one another, and commanded to care for widows and the fatherless, as well as others.

Not only does God only give blessings in relationship, but He only wants to receive in relationship.  This afternoon I was reading through Psalm 51, and I read, "For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. By Your favor do good to Zion; Build the walls of Jerusalem. Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices, In burnt offering and whole burnt offering; Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar." (vv16-19)  It caught my attention that God is not pleased with sacrifices . . .  then He will delight in sacrifices . . . .HUH?  But look! God is not pleased with sacrifices and burnt offerings until there is a humble, broken spirit.  When I am ready for relationship, He wants what I have to offer Him.  Then He delights in righteous sacrifices and whole burnt offerings!  Only in the context of the relationship does the sacrifice take on its importance.

So what does this mean to me?  Our temptation as believers is to err to one extreme or another.  One extreme is that we elevate independence and try to do it all ourselves.  We hoard what we have (for retirement!), and fail to meet the needs of those we see around us.  We look for loopholes in the scriptures to excuse ourselves from meeting the needs of the poor, the widows, and the fatherless.  And we indulge (or overindulge) ourselves in the fruit of our hard work.  The other extreme is that of becoming dependent.  We expect the church, our husband, our parents, etc. to meet our every need.  We are lazy or irresponsible and then ask for scholarships or assistance.  We always look for the church program or class that will meet our needs, and rarely, if ever look for where we can minister to others needs. 

But the truth of the scriptures seems to me to indicate neither independence nor dependence, but interdependence.  I use what God has given me in time, talents, material possessions, and so on to meet the needs of others, even if it means I have to go without something.  I make my needs known and accept help when I am struggling.  And I stay in constant communication with my God, asking Him to help and provide.  Only in this way can we build the kingdom and be the example of a relationship with God that we were meant to be.  Only then can we find our promised land.