I thought to check this blog tonight and I'm shocked at how long it's been since I posted!  I actually haven't been blogging as much, and Josh and I found Facebook about a month ago, so it has consumed most of our time.  When I do blog, I've just done it over on my blogger.com blog . . . anyway, to make a long explanation simpler, I've been busy! Guess I'm also winning the ADHD contest, since I basically just forgot I had two blogs!

School for us is different this year.  See my post over at that other place.  I'll try to do a better job at keeping homeschool and faith ponderings here, and funny boy stuff there.  This year, I only have my two younger boys at home.  I thought this would be a nice change, that I would have more time with them, and that without their brother to terrorize them and distract them we'd get so much more done.  However I've discovered that there are distractions even within their own heads!  The other day I was working on reading with AJ, and he starting picking a fingernail.  It wouldn't have been a problem, except it was mine!  I watch his eyes when we are trying to get something done, and they are all over the room.  I have to constantly remind him where the book we are reading from is located.

I told my dearest friend last Tuesday that somebody is going to need to be medicated before the year is up!  I'm don't really care who--them, or me--but somebody needs to be put on meds!  Anyway, it all goes back to the usual, I'm putting too much pressure on myself, especially for the day-to-day, and probably putting too much on my plate.

The great thing about sending Josh to school this year is that it has forced me into a schedule, and forced me to plan some things in advance.  Having to plan for him is causing me to plan better for the other two as well.  So even on days  when I feel like we've gotten nothing done, we probably have done more than I think. 

Anyway, I'll try to blog more later about what we are doing.  Not that anyone is reading this . . .after all, I haven't posted since January!!! Then again, maybe I still have one fan out there . . .  somewhere . . . maybe?

So, I guess I haven't mentioned that I'm having some evaluations done for AJ.  Yeah.  Last year when we did end-of-the-year evaluations he was a year behind in reading, so I took him to the pediatrician's office to have him evaluated for ADHD.  The Physician's Assistant who evaluated him did diagnose him with ADHD, but also detected some auditory processing problems.  Basically this means that even though his ears hear things, the signal to the brain gets lost somewhere or read wrong, and his brain doesn't "hear" correctly, or that his brain doesn't store sound-related things in a way that it can pull them back out when he needs them.  Although he is learning and progressing, his reading suffers some from this.  The P.A. gave me a list of things to do, so I've spent the last months filling out endless paperwork, and now I am having him processed through the public school system to have a Psychoeducational Evaluation done.  Today I had an interview with a social worker to put together a social history (basically what has life been like for him growing up, and what is he like).

It has been hard to make these decisions.  I cannot afford to go the route of having all private processing done.  He is progressing, but I don't want to ignore probelms until they are more severe.  In all our homeschooling "training" we are told to "avoid the state" so as not to give them a foothold or precedent in our homeschool program.  I called HSLDA, and talked to friends.  Finally I decided two things.  First, here in our county I have no reason to be fearful of the school board.  It has been very friendly and supportive to homeschooling, and I decided that being super-cautious was a bridge I didn't need to cross until I saw evidence that it was needed.  Second, because the boys' dad is opposed to me homeschooling, I decided that it might be worth it to have an interview with a social worker "on the books" in case he ever tried to make some outrageous claims of abuse or neglect.  Still, when I went today, I was a little nervous about putting myself and our home environment out there in front of a stranger for examination.  To complicate things, we overslept (about an hour and a half), and then I couldn't find my car keys, only to finally find them safely locked in the car.  What a great mom I am.

True to form, my Knight in Shining Armor (Jesus), sent help, and a friend at co-op got my message, came to pick the kids and I up, took me to my appointment, and then picked up the kids and me.  Cool.  The interview?  It went great.  I felt very comfortable with the social worker, made myself share very openly, didn't bad-mouth their dad (not something I do anyway), but was honest about where there are problems on both his part and mine.  By causing me to work through all of this history and experience wtih the social worker, my Knight in Shining Armor showed me something else.  I'm a good mom.  I am.  I'm NOT perfect, and yes, I'm making plenty of mistakes. I worry that I'm too ADHD to help my boys who are also ADHD.  I worry that I'm "depriving" them of help and experiences that would benefit them.  I worry that I'm just not good enough at what I'm doing, but the boys are doing well and I'm doing a good job.  Plenty of people tell me this, but I often find myself wondering if their love of me has clouded their view, or if they are just biased.  But today I had a stranger who sees all extremes of parenting tell me several times that I'm doing great things with them.  And she wasn't even counting the spiritual things which my Knight has called me to do!  Anyway, it's not that I should need that kind of affirmation, but sometimes I do, and today it was very encouraging.

Best of all, she said that it sounds like AJ is only mildly affected by whatever struggles he has, and she affirmed some of the decisions I have made as being right on target, so I'm feeling good about it all.  Oh, and I did get my keys our of the car minutes ago.  It definitely pays to have good insurance!

I don't pressure myself to necessarily participate in many aspects of most holidays.  At Christmas, for example, I ask the boys what traditions mean most to them--what they would like to do to celebrate.  If we get other things done, fine.  If not, fine too.  I'm slowly adapting to the limitations of my circumstances, and to my laid-back nature, and it's OK if I don't have photographs of every holiday on the books because we actually didn't do much for some of them.

But New Years . . . that's different.  I recently stated my view to a friend, that New Year's Resolutions are not a waste of time making promises to yourself that you don't intend to keep.  Instead, new years are fresh starts.  They are reminders to me that God lets us have regular do-overs . . . or at least try-agains. 

Tonight I got the following e-mail from a friend:

I didn't plan to write to you about "New Year's Resolutions."

In fact, I've sometimes disparaged them, preferring the term "goals"--partly because they're not linked to the calendar, but partly, I'm afraid, because they seem less intimidating.

Resolutions require--well, you know--resolve!

I've just read a blog post on the topic of resolutions--and especially resolve--by a dear friend, Lynn Bruce, who had a double mastectomy last fall. What a perspective!

Not only is she a cancer survivor, but she's also one of the most intelligent and literary women I've ever known.  (She's one of the founders of the wonderful free online Charlotte-Mason-based curriculum Ambleside Online.)

Please take a few moments now to read Lynn's compelling and convicting blog post about resolutions and resolve. Don't set it aside to read "later."

I went and read the blog post and found there a very eloquent and convincing case for the importance of not only making New Year's Resolutions, but of resolving to keep them.  So I encourage you to go NOW and read this wonderful entry.  Then do what I plan on doing this weekend--spend some lengthy, quality time alone with God, asking Him what His plans are for you this year.  Make those resolutions that He gives you, and plot out how you will keep them! 

Let's not waste our fresh starts on piddly, silly things.  Let's go for the Kingdom!

My kids came home from a weekend at their dad's yesterday . . . yet another reminder of what a failure I feel like.  They had presents with them--all surprises--which made it more fun. I'm all about surprises.  But two of my three kids are all about figuring out my surprises and know me just a little too well, so they found the key to my locking closet and have already checked out many of their presents. 

They came home with individually packed bags of goodies.  Their dad's girlfriend baked!  She works full-time and she baked!  I haven't even started my baking.  I plan to . . . but it's almost lunch time on the day before Christmas.  Yeah.  That'll happen.

My house is a mess still.  My "to do" list is daily getting longer because of the things I keep moving to the next day.  I have five hours until church service and about twelve hours of stuff to do.  And oh yeah . . . . Do I plan on going in my pajamas?

I walk around feeling like a failure.  One day a year that I really want to be special, and I can't even pull that off.  To make matters worse, the plans I had for the kids and I to really focus on Jesus--to spend time in the scriptures, to quietly reflect on His advent (me, not the kids.  They don't do anything quietly.), to celebrate HIM even if nothing else got done . . . . I even failed at that.  I don't even have that to hold on to.  BUT . . .

Yesterday God gave me one of His presents.  I've asked Him to give me just one new insight into the Christmas story each year, and I got it yesterday.  My dear pastor taught from Isaiah 42:1-4, and I was reminded that Jesus came to satisfy the Law.  I was under the law.  God expected perfection from me, or I would receive death.  Again and again I failed.  I couldn't even be perfect for one day.  But He loved me.  So God, who was over the Law, placed Himself under the Law and kept it.  Then, even though He was innocent of transgressing it, even though HE had been perfect . . . He was judged, sentenced, and put to death by the Law, paying the price even though He had no debt.  That was His gift to me.  Not just payment for my failure, but His perfection.  God, who made the rules . . . who could change them at His will . . . who didn't need to prove that He never breaks the rules . . . He came anyway, and lived under them.  I sure wouldn't have done that. 

From time to time I've asked myself if God is truly humble.  Why should He be, He's God?  There is nothing for Him to be humble about.  Yet in this gift, I realized that God did show humility.  He did it by playing by His own rules.  He did it by coming in the person of Jesus . . . by confining Himself for a short time to human form and subjecting Himself, the Creator and Ruler of everything, to His own rules.

And He did it for me.  If I live another 40 years, I'll never understand why I didn't get the better end of the gift.  'Cause from appearances sake, he still got failure.  But now when He looks at me He sees Jesus . . .and He delights in both of us.  Cool.

Yep.  That's the mantra at my house.  Even the little guy learned early on (from his brothers) to declare his contempt for school. Of course, when . . . 

• . . . I asked my thirteen-year-old if I was overloading him with too much work or if he was just working at it slowly, enjoying being able to work at his own pace (a snail's!), he responded that it really was the latter.
• . . . I almost forgot to "do reading" with my youngest, he reminded me.
• . . . we begin listening to any book on tape (usually to protests of how boring it will be), within minutes they are pleading with me to keep playing it.
• . . . after listening to part of Cheaper By the Dozen tonight, my middle son insisted I immediately get out the Power Glide Latin curriculum we used a couple of years ago so he could do it on his own.
• . . . the highlight of our week is the trip to the library and the most anticipated regular event of the month is the monthly trip to the BIG library.
• . . . our pretending is fueled by the period movies and documentaries that we are watching and reading about at that time.  (OK, admittedly, superheroes often work their way into the dress code too; but we wear superhero costumes while we are doing school work.)
• . . . the kids tell me what they want to do next year for school.

It's just too bad that they hate school so much.  Think how much they would hate it if they weren't actually learning something!

For the last month or so, we have been travelling the world. What?  You didn't realize my blog entries were remote?  Now before you get too excited Crystal, we are actually travelling the world from home.  So far we've explored the wild jungles of Madagascar, and the recovering diversity of South Africa.  The boys are so cute! (I'm doing this with Stephen and AJ.)

Today we entered Kenya.  I'm getting better at it, knowing more and more the order and way I want to do things.  Today we traced on the world map where we had been, then "departed" from South Africa to head north to Kenya.  The boys strapped themselves into a taxi bus, and bounced along in the heat and crowded conditions.  Stephen had to hold a chicken on his lap for a while.  Once we arrived in the mountainous region of Kenya, the boys had to present their passports for inspection. 

Before we started I made them each a rather realistic looking passport, complete with their personal info, pages printed with a quarter grid for visa stamps, and I even used clear wide labels to create a unique passport stamp for each country we visit.  As they entered, I asked them about South Africa, and stamped their passport.  We look at the world map and color in the country we visit on a world and continent map, then we mark major landmarks, color the flag, listen to the national anthem, and read a brief summary of the country.  Over the next week, we'll explore the wildlife, read about indiginous peoples, try traditional food, play traditional games, listen to music, and add national celebrations to our world calendar.  We'll read folk stories and about missionaries, climate, resources, history and heroes.  I've even found a wealth of DVD's through online rentals and the library.  Hard to believe I can cover so much in a week! (Not that I really do all I want, I'm just reminding myself to let them have fun with it, and learn a little something in spite of it.)

The boys' favorite part is entering into a new country and getting their passport stamped.  Mom's favorite part is how wildly in love with the world she is falling.  My home page is the Operation World page of the day, and it is becoming more and more fascinating as I become more familiar with the countries. Josh is also doing geography through Florida Virtual Schools, but I'm sure he's not having near the fun we are.  Too bad.

I'm off again, this time to bed.  Travelling is hard work, and I'm feeling a little jet-lag!

The boys and I started listening to the third Luke Reports today, and while I was listening I got this picture of Jesus raising the dead and healing the sick.  I realized how scandalous that was in His day--to touch someone unclean (because of illness) or dead (very unclean!), caused the person who touched them to also become unclean.  This restricted them from worship, and in many ways from society, since no one else wanted to "catch" the uncleanness.  Seems like a silly rule for us.  How legalistic! 

I am coming to understand and believe more and more that every aspect of our physical lives here on earth is a breathable, livable, touchable picture of spiritual realities.  We humans need board books in spiritual matters, better yet the touchy-feely board books, and our loving Father who understands that gave us just what we needed.  Unfortunately, we often look at the board books and think they accurately picture real life.  We look at the picture--mere fantasy drawings of the real thing--and assume they accurately represent the spiritual realm (if we think about the spiritual realm beyond the fantasy at all). 

Much of the covenant with Israel, including their religious laws, festivals, and their very history is a huge part of this picture that God was drawing for us.  For a devout Israelite, to exchange being clean for uncleanness was tragic!  To become unclean because of disease . . . catastrophic!  As I listened to the story today, I imagined God, the essence of purity, holiness, and cleanness . . .  reaching out and touching the worst of filth.  Death.  Disease.  Prostitution.  Treason.  Jesus associated with these kind of people.  God associated with these kind of people.  Imagine kissing a corpse.  I've lost both my mom and my dad, as well as many other relatives and friends, and I couldn't even bring myself to touch them, much less kiss them!  Imagine hugging on an AIDS patient (yes, I know, it isn't passed that way!), or someone with Hepatitis, or some other VERY contagious disease.  Imaging hanging out with a Main Street hooker.  Imagine going out of your way to befriend a traitor to your country who wasn't even sorry about the danger or difficulty he imposed on your family by doing so.  Isn't this what Jesus did?  And all the while He claimed to be God!

Yet . . . as I really stop to think about it . . . even this is just a picture.  You see, I was dead.  I was so diseased, if anyone had known how bad I was, they wouldn't have wanted me near them.  I was the prostitute; I was the traitor.  And God Himself reached down from Heaven and touched my uncleanness.  No one else would even look at me. I was the beggar on the side of the road, and no one had the time to look at me.  Truth is, I didn't even want to look at myself.  But God had never taken His eyes off me.  He stopped all of Heaven and reached out and touched me.  The epitome of spiritual purity touched the dirtiest sinner--me.  He gave me life, healed me completely, and accepted me as His bride.  How do I wrap my brain around that?

I wonder what the dead guy did after Jesus restored him to life . . . or what became of the one who was healed.  Did he live life differently, or was it back to life as normal?  Did he have a heart for others in need?  What did he think of this Jesus who had touched him?  What am I to do with this?  How can I live for myself?  How can I think there is anyone who is unworthy of my time, assistance, love, help?

What do I do with Jesus?

Please note, this entry was actually written August 6th, after reading an article on America Online's news.  It was put on the shelf so I could sort out my emotional writing a bit.  I hope it isn't too sarcastic.  If someone understands this issue better, please help me to!

I just read an article about the opposition to the recent trend in public schools requiring uniform dress.  In the article it says, "Their complaint: The policies trample students' right of expression and parents' right to raise children without government interference."  In the article, one of the parents interviewed says, "We teach him to be himself and we encourage it . . . . He's not out of line with what he wants to wear." 

I was amused by the logic of these parents interviewed in the article.  OK, amused and a little disturbed.  First and foremost is the argument that uniform requirements trample the parents' rights to raise children without government interference.  Let me think about this a minute.  These people send their children away for more than EIGHT hours of the day, to be taught by government-hired teachers in government-run schools which follow government-dictated curriculum and enforce government-determined standards for behavior, and they're complaining that the GOVERNMENT is INTERFERING with the raising of their children?  I'm sorry, but the government is already largely involved in raising their children.  Do uniforms really take more control away from parents than the philosophical basis for the education and the moral standards for the behavior enforced at government schools do?

Another argument is that uniforms trample student's rights for free expression.  Yes, let them wear whatever T-shirt they want, with whatever rock band logo or punny saying, while they are required to sit in a desk quietly, listen to what government-hired teachers tell them is "truth," and mimic back the answers the school system deems correct.  Meanwhile, they are being allowed to pass on the wise and independent thinking they picked up in the latest song by the band on their shirt or the latest quip thought up and tossed around by all their peers. (Remember "Where's the beef?" "Help, I've fallen . . . " and so on?)  Is peer influenced and peer dependent expression really a good example of free expression?  Are parents really fighting for that particular right to free expression?

I don't claim to have much in the way of answers in this debate, but it seems to me, this is a fine example of how deceived our culture is.  Over the last several generations we have surrendered rights and abandoned responsibilites.  The government, and other institutions have more than willingly picked up the slack, and now we find ourselves whining about the government taking control.  As a society, we educate and care for our children like assembly line products, then complain that they are all treated the same?  Wake up people!  If you want to raise your kids your way, as individuals, bring them home and do it.  But if you want the government or other organiztions to raise your kids (or help you do it), don't complain so much about the way they choose to do it. 

For the last couple weeks we've been exploring South Africa.  We have eaten South African food, played games, researched animals, located major landmarks on our maps, watched biographies and movies about Steven Biko ("Cry Freedom"--a really good film!) and Nelson Mandela, gone on safari, and lots more!

Some things we didn't know about South Africa:

• The newly united country of South Africa appears to be very different than it was 15 years ago.  After the end of apartheid, and the election of Nelson Mandela to the presidency, the country has come a long way.  I'm astonished at how quickly it changed, and that the genocide of Rwanda was not repeated.  I have questions yet unanswered about how the government is going about preventing retaliation for years of abuse and oppression.
• South Africa has FIVE official languages.
• The South African national anthem is generally sung in five different languages, and it has two different melodies that are merged together.  About ten years ago, the traditional anthem was joined with the popular anthem to create one song, a symbol of a country that was becoming united into one. You can here it here.
• South Africa is the primary exporter of gold and diamonds in the world . . . as in more than half come from South Africa!

I have been totally captivated by this country!  Maybe the kids eyes are starting to glaze over as I get yet another documentary or biography on it, but I'm still full of questions!  Nevertheless, tomorrow we're off to Kenya!

(Photo above is of our South African meal: Boboti, Mealie Bread, and Sweet Potato Fritters.  You can see more photos of our explorations at our Flickr site.)

Gosh!  It's been so long since I posted here I had to stop and think about my login name and password.  I can't believe that I haven't posted anything in over two months!  And we're even really doing school! (OK, maybe that's why I haven't posted.)

OK, so here's a list of what we've been up to:

• Started school two weeks late.  Couldn't help it.  I wasn't ready, then we had kids with us, then, well, we just started late.  But we're chugging along now.
• AJ has "officially" been diagnosed ADHD.  Wow.  Big surprise.  Anyone who spends two hours with him could figure that out.  Besides, it's more or less a useless diagnosis, since in reading I've discovered about a billion things can cause the symptoms we call ADHD. 
• BUT . . . the P.A. at our doctor's office who screens for learning disabilities also detected "processing problems."  Kind of overwhelming to me (the domino effect of all the evaluations and treatments he needs now), but I think in the long run it will be helpful to have found this out so early.  It's also been AMAZING to watch God working on our behalf, bringing in the "experts" we need and reminding me that He will provide what we need.
• Josh will be halfway done with his year of Geography through Florida Virtual School this week.  Not sure what I'm going to do to keep him busy after that.  I've signed him up for reading, but I want to take a look at the course first.
• I added literature studies to his work load.  At least Mom is enjoying The Witch of Blackbird Pond.
• We're travelling the world.  So far Stephen, AJ, and I have seen Madagascar and South Africa (which I have fallen in love with), and tomorrow we depart for Kenya.  More on that in my next post.
• As of today we've changed spelling programs.  What worked last year just wasn't cutting it this year.  The two younger boys will be doing Sequential Spelling by AKVO (or is it AVKO?).  Finally!  The spelling program I've been looking around for!

I feel like I'm drowning already.  I can't keep up with planning and records, hate the pace of life (and I keep it pretty simple!), can't stay on top of my house . . . can I please just go back to bed?  Of course the straight week of Florida rain didn't help me much last week.  It gets pretty buggy in a house full of boys when they don't have access to the outdoors!

God keeps wooing me, calling me to come sit by Him and let Him lighten my load.  I just keep forging ahead, trying to make things work my way.  When will I learn?

Last year I felt like God was moving me to change directions in our scope and sequence.  Thought I had it all planned out--history continuing from year to year where we left off, science in whatever the younger ones were interested in doing--but God had a different plan.  I'm not sure I heart Him right though.  I felt like we were to head in the direction of a large-scale geography unit.  So this year we are using A Child's Geography, which will mostly cover our science, and we are supplementing with Galloping the Globe and LOTS of other things.  I have also subscribed to Enchanted Learning, which I love love love!!! 

So I'm taking on the world.  I already feel overwhelmed.  What was I thinking?  Typical of me I am turning something simple into a massive project. We'll be burned out by November (and the second continent!).  Guess I need to slow down and ask God what His purpose is in all this.  It will be good this week that the boys are gone and I can spend some time alone seeking direction before we start this week.

Today I did one of my favorite things.  We have a huge used bookstore near where I live, and today I took some books to trade in and had time to roam around and shop.  It was so great--I love finding used books at bargain prices (well, not quite so bargain, but less than I would get them new, and maybe even on Amazon). 

But as I wandered, I got to thinking about all the different kinds of books that were there.  Then I got a little scared.  I realized how influential the written, and sometimes spoken, word is, and I became afraid for my boys.  How will they resist all the crazy, weird, and even dangerous ideas that are out there that seem to make sense, but are pretty much just unbiblical.  Lies.  What if they get carried away by lies?  After all, I can't control (censor?) what they read, watch and listen to forever.

Nor could my parents for me.  And somehow by God's grace, I have either been protected or brought through all the crazy ideas that I have had access to.  Somehow, in ways I don't understand and that don't make sense to me, God is bigger than all of that.  After thinking about that I felt a little better.

Then on the way home I got behind a car PLASTERED with bumper stickers.  Now I will mention that bumper sticker wisdom is a pet peeve of mine because most of it is so . . . foolish.  (Right up there with church marquis theology)  But this guy had LOTS of delightful little Leftist sayings covering the whole backside of his car.  My personal favorite were the stickers that essentially said "How can someone who is pro-life also be pro-war?" 

OK.  Let me think about this a minute.  Let's NOT declare war on a way of life that enslaves more people than it serves because they have a different colored skin (or a different faith, or religion, etc.).  Let's NOT get involved in a war, instead let's just let EVERY JEW in Europe be exterminated while a madman takes over the entire continent.  Let's NOT get involved in a war where a religious group has as part of it's recorded doctrine the destruction of anyone who doesn't embrace it's faith, and who are living out the first part of that by exterminating any who don't agree with their religion right in their own country and are beginning to branch out into efforts to take out the big guy who can stop them by destroying innocent people.  Let's be anti-war so we can be pro-life so millions of innocent people can die at the hands of bullies whom no one will bother in the name of tolerance.  Is that really being pro-life?

I'm not crazy about war, but it seems that sometimes you have to fight for the innocent and defenseless.  Like groups with no voice due to poverty or no power (Orphans, widows, the poor).  Like unborn infants.  Like those oppressed for practicing their religion (including millions of Christians in the 10-40 Window, as well as those of other faiths who are persecuted).  You don't fight because you love war and death, but because sometimes death must be stopped by fighting it. 

I know it doesn't totally make sense.  Confusion is the result of sin.  And so our lives are complicated and confusing.  But I'm still pro-life. 

And I hope my boys will think about the bumper stickers and books they read and apply God's Word to it.  'Cause that's the only thing worth hoping in.

I love names.  I love the study of their meaning.  I love hearing new and different ones and trying to figure out where they came from.  I love seeing how a person fits his name.  I have this quirky little belief about names--I think they are sovereignly given by God.  I have learned a principle in studying scripture that when someone is named, the person giving the name is asserting their authority, and in many cases their ownership over the one being named.  I love that idea.  Because of this little abiblical belief (abiblical means not in scripture; it does not mean against scripture), I love returning to our family names to ponder how God is weaving into each of our lives the charactristics communicated by this name He has given each of us.  Here's what I saw tonight:

My oldest son means "God is our salvation" and his middle name means "light."  I have prayed since before he was born that he would be a light testifying of God's salvation.  Right now I see God trying to ignite a light in him as he grows in his understanding of God's salvation.  He is bold, a leader, outspoken, and very knowledgeable.  As God teaches him humility and servant-leadership, he will be an awesome leader.

My middle son's names mean "crowned one" and "twin."  One of the things I have learned in researching names was that each name comes with a literal meaning (what the words the name was derived from actually meant), and an implied character meaning.  The character meaning of his middle name is "seeker of truth."  I like this, because it very much describes him.   He is very tender to God's word and will read it for pleasure.  Because of this he is often crowned with with blessings.  I have prayed for years that this child will be crowned with godly qualities.  I like the idea of "twin" also, because I long for him to understand that in Christ he is a new creation.  The old "him" has passed away, and the new--his twin--has come.

My youngest son has been aptly named since the beginning of his life.  His name means "manly" and "the supplanter."  Interestingly the character quality of his middle name is also "seeker of truth." (Nope, didn't plan that. It just happened, and I don't recall noticing that before.)  "The supplanter" who originally possessed this name was Jacob, who deceptively stole his brother's blessing and birthright.  It literally means to take by force and treachery.  I laughed upon first glance of this name tonight, since my youngest is definitely all-boy (or all-man!), and constantly hatching forceful treachery to aquire his brothers' possessions, rights, honor, etc.  But there is another implied meaning to "supplanter" that is interesting to me.  It also means one who takes the place of and serves as the substitute for especially by reason of superior excellence or power.  I love the idea of praying that my youngest will learn to be an excellent, manly man, and that by learning to be that, he will take the place of and substitute for other men in God's kingdom work.  Like Jacob, I long to see him broken by God so that God's glory and greatness might be displayed through him.  Remind me I said this as God works the breaking process, would you?

Not to be left out, I have been delighted with the way God unfolds His purpose in my name.  My names mean "consecrated one" and "graceful."  I used to think HA!  Graceful?  Me?  God's sense of humor was working overtime that day!  (I am so clutzy it's not funny.  Grace?  I have none.)  Until I was reminded that there is another kind of grace.  It is the kind of grace God showed me.  The kind that covers over a multitude of sins with love.  The kind that forgives even its enemies.  The kind that layes down its life for others.  Consecrated means set apart for service, and I believe I am set apart for the service of showing God's grace to others.  It has been an exciting thing to see God weaving this into the fabric of my life and character.  Not that I don't still have a LONG way to go, I do.  But so many times when I feel like killing my ex-husband, God gives me a way to bless him instead and I DO IT!!! (NOT my own strenght, I assure you.)  I am constantly awed by the number and variety of women God draws to me to share with, encourage, teach, and just love and serve.  Grace. It is to the point now that I LOOK for the ways God wants me to show His grace.

So there you have it.  A little excursion into the goofy things I think about.  OK, not so goofy, since names are important to God.  How do I know?  In Revelations it says,"He [Christ] has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:  King of Kings, and Lord of Lords."  (Rev 19:12-16)  And ya wanna hear the really cool thing?  It also says,"They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads."   (Rev 22:4)  Guess I'll know then how close my theory comes to being true.

. . . I'm just having trouble getting on HomeschoolBlogger at the times I play on the computer.  When I have something to say, and can't log in, I usually forget it.  So I'm trying to write my post in Word, then add it later when I can log on. 

The buzz is that HSBlogger is getting ready to move to a new server which will add more space for all the bloggers who use it.  I really can't wait.  I get so annoyed when I want to work on my blog and can't get to it.  I am glad that HSBlogger is attracting that many people though.  God is really blessing the folks at TOS!

What if she only dates?  After all, it’s only a date.  It starts with an interest in a boy . . . a little harmless flirting.  But we all know girls, when those hormones are raging . . . the control they like to have, so eventually the flirting looks more like chasing.  But it’s only a date she’s after.  Nothing more.  Eventually she corners one . . . the one she likes the most, the one she chases after the hardest.  He is all she thinks about night and day.  She awakens with him on her mind, watches carefully how she acts when he’s around, smiles a little more when she thinks of him (seems like she smiles most of the time nowadays), then goes to bed thinking of him, hoping to dream of him.

Eventually she gets the date.  She carefully grooms herself for it, hoping to be irresistible.  So the blouse is a little low-cut, the make-up a little too heavy.  She doesn’t look completely like the rest of the girls.  She’d never go that far.  But there is a little competition for his affections, so she must use what she has.  He arrives and she greets him.  All night she giggles at his jokes, even the off-color ones, talks of mindless things, and carries herself like a television ad, hoping to make the sale.  It’s only a date, but in the back of her mind, she is really hoping for more—a promise, protection, the feeling of being wanted and pretty.  All from a date.

At the end of the night, she lingers, talking just a little longer in his car, hoping he’ll make a move.  If he walks her to the door, she leans a little toward him, hoping for a kiss.  She also wants another date.  This date was just not enough.  He is so dreamy.  This scene replays itself again and again.  Sometimes there are repeated dates, often kisses given away.  On occasion, more is given, and it is a little frightening because each time it is harder to restrain herself.  It’s not only a date anymore.  With each successive relationship, she is looking for the commitment . . . for the happily ever after.  It never seems to come.  Every date eventually ends in heartbreak, betrayal, and scars.  She has to watch every boy chase after another, feeling like she wasn’t enough.  And where is her heart that she gave to him?  She’s beginning to look much more like all the other girls.

Little does she know that the day will come when she will finally find all she has been searching for all those long years.  He will look on her as the beauty that she was when she dreamed of that first date.  And yet, when she looks in the mirror, she will see the effects of a hard life of chasing one lover after another, and of giving away parts of her heart that were really meant only for Him.  If only she had let her heart sleep!  She will have great difficulty trusting Him, yielding to His authority, because of all the times she has been hurt, broken, wounded.  Still He will treat her like the treasure that she is to Him.  He will woo her, and treat her like a lady from the very beginning.  He will ask nothing of her, yet give her everything.  He will stay by her as she shows Him all the scars and sins, and failures, pursuing her again and again as she pulls away in her feelings of unworthiness.  In spite of everything, He will still love her, all the while moving toward His ultimate plan. 

One day, He will marry her.  He will dress her in white, having cleansed her from her filth and raised her to a place of honor.  He will lead her to the marriage supper, where he looks at her longingly.  And eventually, He will consummate the marriage with her, and none of the kisses she gave away, none of the times she went too far with another, none of the times she tried to satisfy the periods of loneliness and rejection with her own means—none of these things will have brought her the pleasure that His touch will.  And she will wish she had waited, had not wasted her time, her energy, her youth on things that never satisfied.  Yet still she will get happily ever after. . . the church will be His bride . . . for eternity.

Note:  Lately the Lord has really been instructing me on His most important purpose of marriage.  Marriage was given to illustrate the love and relationship between Christ and the Church.  Every attack on marriage is an attack on that picture.  As I lay fighting the loneliness of being single again, the Lord gave me a sweet reminder last night of how important it is to stay faithful to your spouse, even BEFORE you marry.  

Note: This is another of those blog entries that was written and shelved until I could process it a bit more.  God was sweet to bring it to my attention today, on a day when I needed a reminder that He is the author of my story, and it will be a sweet one.  It was originally written on March 15th.

When I realized that God was not going to bring my husband back home to us, I began exploring what I believed about dating and finding a mate.  I had been exposed to ideas about courtship, but they were fuzzy to me.  I hadn't really bothered to study the issue and really think them through, after all, my oldest child was only seven-years-old, so we weren't really thinking about that yet.  But when I faced the possibility of being asked out on a date myself, I decided that I really needed to determine what I expected of the boys, so I could model that method of courtship and marriage.

Well, it sounded good anyway.  I have actually come to realize that I was using my children to cover my real motives.  (Don't look so shocked.  We ALL use our children at times to cover our own motives, or to have or do something WE want to do.)  My real motive was control.  I figured if I had to go through this divorce thing, and be a single mom, so be it.  Let's just get on with the husband hunt and find whomever God had in mind to take over the leadership role in our family.  Amusingly enough, one of the books I read on my search to find Mr. Wonderful was Eric and Leslie Ludy's book When God Writes Your Love Story.  I say it is amusing, because God showed me today that I was still (am still?) trying to write my own story.  I was just using the appearance of noble motives to do it.

Today I listened to Seven Bible Truths Violated by Christian Dating by Dr. S.M. Bounds, which I bought some time ago through Vision Forum.  I have read many opinions about dating versus courtship, argued the pros and cons, and tried to explain to someone else what the difference was, even though in my mind I couldn't quite get past it often being a matter of semantics.  But listening to this CD really helped me solidify my ideas about the dangers of dating, the differences between dating and courtship, and the method which I believe is biblically taught and modeled.  Essentially dating is focused on finding a mate, and courtship is focused on waiting for God to bring you a mate.  Dating is self-centered, and courtship, when done correctly, really is God-centered.  It doesn't matter what you call it, if you are out searching for Mr. Wonderful, you are really dating, even  if you are dating with lots of boundaries. 

I won't go into a lot of detail here about what Dr. Bounds taught, but every minute of the CD had insight and wisdom.  It also convicted my heart of the way I have taken my love story out of God's hands.  I did it when I was a child. I did it when I was a teen.  I did it when I was a young woman.  And although it looks VERY different now, I have done it in the last several years also.  Not that I have chased anyone; in fact that is how it looks so different.  As a teenager I wore track shoes when it came to boys, and boy did I chase them!  I have marveled with wonder at the restraint and self-discipline I have been able to exercise over myself in recent years, and have declared again and again that God is changing me in wonderful ways! (OK, about a hundred more years at this rate, and I might be able to keep a clean house.  But I KNOW He can do it!)  Instead, my control has been evident in my discontentment with where God has put me, in my neglect of actively seeking His will in my service, in not protecting my heart and making myself too vulnerable emotionally, and in being far too preoccupied with watching for God to do what I want.

What I have been doing has been different; in fact, I have faced friends (Christian friends!) who were shocked!  I've been encouraged to try computer dating, getting involved in a Christian singles group, and other methods to "meet" men.  Fortunately, God has been working steadily on my faith in this area, and I have clung to the belief that God knows best and will bring best when the time is right.  I'm just starting to realize and accept that if I never marry again, THAT is God's best!!!  The hardest part about accepting this is that it challenges me to truly believe that God is enough and that I can be happy in whatever circumstance He puts me in.  It will also challenge me to change some behaviors and habits that contribute to my discontent.  In truth, I can't change myself much at all . . .  or maybe I can change me on the outside, simply redirecting the same old motives and idols that control me on the inside.  The hope comes in serving a God who CAN and DOES change people all the time.  In fact He's changed me . . . and He's not even done yet!  When He is, THAT will be a story worth reading!

Note:  I actually wrote most of this out in early March.  I've discovered recently that I had some really good posts that I started, but only saved as drafts, so I'm going to work on getting them out.

I have struggled with evangelism most of my adult life.  In fact, I kind of struggle with even the idea of evangelism.  I've read books and studied different "methods."  I've taken EE.  I know that I know what to share, I just can't often figure out how to bridge the gap between knowing what people need, and knowing how to get them to Him. 

Tonight my church began it's annual missions conference.  Our speaker works in a middle eastern country, and also heads up the church planting movement there.  What he shared was very helpful to me.  He taught from Genesis 3: 1-10.  As he showed us again the fall in the garden of Eden, he pointed out that Adam had three reactions to his sin.  First he tried to cover his guilt, then he tried to hide his shame, finally he hid in fear from God.  R explained that in sharing the Gospel in a Muslim country, it is not enough to just walk them through sin, Jesus, and salvation.  All of them are practicing their faith from a perspective of guilt, shame, or fear.  If they are struggling with guilt they try to work to relieve it.  They say prayers, give alms, keep the rules in the hope of doing enough to not be found as guilty as they are.  When they live in shame, they hide away from the eyes of others.  Sometimes they are harsh and demanding of their families to avoid shame.  He told the story of one man who actually left his home town rather than face shame, even though going to the capital city left this uneducated farmer with no way to provide for his family.  As for fear, the other two contribute to this.  It is a common reason for women to zealously practice their faith, since women and children are little more than property in many Muslim countries.

R shared with us how the impact he and his wife have had in sharing the Gospel and leading these precious people to the Lord who can meet their needs has come by entering into their guilt, shame, and fear.  When these people see men and women who genuinely care for the least of the least--the poor, the women, the infants, the hungry--and care for them well, with genuine interest in them as people, not as the means of relieving their own guilt, those watching are intrigued.  When believers in these countries live free from shame in their marriages and family relationships, and when they are fearless against superstitious beleifs, these people are curious.  It is only as they are shown that Jesus is the one who removes their guilt, covers their shame, and protects them from the things they fear, that they fall in love with Him and learn to trust Him instead of their own works and traditions.

As I pondered the lesson R was teaching tonight about leading Muslims in Middle Eastern countries to Jesus, I realized that these three consequences of sin are really no different in our own culture.  The only difference is the way guilt, shame, and fear are manifested, and the remedies we try to use to fix them.  I have watched people hide their guilt in careeers, in activities, even in family.  I have seen people who live through their kids.  Their kid must be smart, play football well, be beautiful, be popular (having all the "cool" gadgets), etc. They relieve their guilt by trying to give their kids everything, and their shame by driving them to be the best.  I know many people who live in fear.  Because of it we have insurance, investments, liability disclaimers, the FDA, and government regulations on everything from childcare to seatbelt use.  We medicate ourselves into apathy, and just in case we're still feeling a little guilt, shame, or fear, there's always "American Idol." 

I realized as I thought about this tonight that evangelizing America is the same as evangelizing Saudi Arabia or Sudan or Iraq.  First I have to expect people to be covering their guilt (It's not my fault! or running at breakneck pace to be best at everything), hiding thier shame (lots of shallow conversation with difficulty letting people see who they really are), and living in fear (accumulating enough possessions, power, or control to protect themselves or suffering from illnesses, depression/anxiety, and "low self-esteem.")  Next I have to be willing to enter into their lives for the long haul.  I have to be transparent with my own struggles, but confident in the power of Christ to meet my own needs.  I need to be available to meet their needs, whether it is an ear to listen to them, financial assistance, serving them and their families, and helping out in inconvenient crises. In all things, when they are agreeable or irritating, I must love them.  I need to pray for God to reveal those places where they are covering guilt, hiding shame, and running in fear, and I after God has used time to build a relationship of respect and relationship, I need to be bold enough and prayerful enough to gently, lovingly tell them that Jesus IS the answer to my problems, and He is the answer to theirs also.

 As I ponder this even more, I realize that my kids need this message.  They need to know that Jesus is the answer to their guilt, shame, and fears.  As I am home with them each day, I need to remember that they are my number one mission field. 

I am SO ready for summer.  And of course the boys are . . .  of course, they've been ready for summer since . . . well, last summer ended!  The cool spring weather has been extended here in Florida, which has made outside irresistible, so I'm having trouble keeping children at their desks or at the table.  I keep finding them playing outside in the hole to China.  Not to mention that we now have a puppy who needs to go out a lot.  So basically, I am simplifying to the max so we can at least get it done.  I'm also remembering that kids in school are taking lots of field trips right now, having end-of-the-year parties, doing lots of other non-educational educational things. (Yes, I KNOW I just wrote an oxymoron, what better to describe public school?)

Anyway, schools almost done.  Although I'm planning on doing some of it during the summer . . . don't sue me if I take the summer off.

Hmmm . . . that's the first time I've actually said that out loud!

(No, I haven't fallen off the planet.  I have been posting entries on my other blog because I've had so much to write about our new puppy.  I like Blogspot for posting family pictures.  I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted here though!  We have been schooling . . . kind of . . . well . . . OK, we're unschooling . . . not really, but it makes me feel better to say so.  When does summer start?)

I hate this question.  No, actually it's the occasional eye-rolling I get when I say I'm a full-time homemaker.  Would it help if I said I run a very expensive child-care agency?  (My ex-husband thinks I'm expensive anyway!)  How about if I do charitable work with special children?  (I think they're pretty special!)  Hmmm . . . I guess I could say my family is a missionary family to our local county.  But I really like calling myself a homemaker . . . because I think that's a pretty important job!  (Thanks Mom, for teaching me that!) So I'll take the eye-rolling, and just keep looking to my Beloved to approve of my work.  Meanwhile, I found this poem by Valerie Bendt.  She was one of the most influential homeschool moms in forming my personal philosophies and approach to homeschooling (even if some people . . . and maybe my kids . . . would say what approach?). 

I am a Professional

I am a professional
And I hold a high degree,
My clients are but children
And they’re very dear to me,
I work extended hours
And the pay is not too fair,
But the benefits are great –
No other job can compare,
So as I look around me
And see women at their jobs,
I gladly claim the title –
Full-time professional mom!