It's been a year since we lost Samuel, and we were expecting to have a new little one this December; but she went home to be with the Lord after only being in my womb for five months. 

For some reason many people think if you have a large family, somehow these lost babies aren't as significant because you're already so blessed. But I want to tell you, your child, each child, is different, is unique, had its purpose and place in everyones heart  no matter how short the time. This is also a good time to dispel the idea that they are just globs of tissue... and don't really count. We lost Samuel at 16 weeks. Perfectly formed. Amelia just shy of 20 weeks.  Perfect. Fingers toes, a body that looked just like their daddy's and sister Bella. These babies are just that. Babies. Magnificently made. Family. Yours. Ours.

When someone asks me how many children I have I hesitate. Of course they see six, but I see 12. How do you answer such a question? For me I want to say I am the mother of 12, and proudly so.  But I know how awkward it is for others, and out of consideration for them I reply "6". 

From conception I have prayed for my children to be happy, healthy, and beautiful. to know the Lord, to love him and serve him all their days, and I pray for the Lord to bring them and bless them with a godly spouse who will always be a blessing to them.

Someday,I will stand in heaven with 12 beautiful children.

Until then, I want to take today to honor the life of my daughter Amelia Jane Lyles.

Stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest;

Home keeping hearts are happiest,

For those that wander they know not where

Are full of trouble and full of care;

To stay at home is best.

Weary and homesick and distressed,

They wander east, they wander west,

And are baffled and beaten and blown about

By the winds of wilderness of doubt;

To stay at home is best.

Then stay at home, my heart, and rest;

The bird is safest in its nest;

O'er all that flutter their wings and fly

A hawk is hovering in the sky;

To stay at home is best

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Any of you that have followed my blog for long have known my on going struggle with whether or not Christians should receive welfare.  Specifically, I have struggled with whether or not I should be in the system.  There is a myriad of voices around me with opinions.  The bottom line is that the only opinion that counts is Gods.

Several months ago, I finally, after much prayer, came to a point of resolve about this.  I just realized I never shared it here with all of you.

If I were married to an unbelieving husband, he would be my provider.  As long as he was willing to stay and did not ask me to do anything in violation of God’s word, I would be obliged to stay.  There would always be the chance that by my words and example of faith, that he might come to Christ.

The Lord spoke to my heart about the fact that I had married the government when I went into the system.  It was not His best choice for me, but I lacked faith and was disobedient, unwilling to trust Him totally.  Until God closes the door and ends our benefits, I am to remain where I am, for this season.  This is God’s provision for my family.  He wants me to stop struggling and trying so hard to do it on my own and to simply rest in Him. 

In all of this, the Lord has answered my prayer for a full-time ministry from home.  In my home state the welfare system requires that you be working, looking for work, going to school or volunteering in order to be eligible for benefits.  My state homeschool organization qualifies as an acceptable organization to volunteer for.  I can work to support homeschooling, ministering to others, while homeschooling  my children.  It also has given me the opportunity to go back to school and do the necessary work to complete my teaching certificate, not so much for me to be able to seek full time employment, but so that I can do assessments for homeschooling families.  There is a seeming lack of homeschool friendly certified teachers in our state.  I hear horror stories every year about teachers that did assessments, but really didn’t understand what they were doing or reviewing.  The Lord is opening up an amazing door there for me to have an ongoing ministry to homeschooling families, because who understands it better than someone who is doing it every day.

It is my prayer that this season in our life may be coming to an end.  It’s going to require a lot more faith and trust than I have now.  It’s also going to require contentment with what the Lord provides.  It is going to require caring more about the Lord and His leading than what people around me think of what I’m doing.  I can’t do it alone.  It will only be by His grace and for His glory that we will succeed. 

I should add an end note here, that while we have less financial support than every before in our homeschooling, we are able to do so much more with it.  It is the kind of thing that only God could do.

Blessings, MaggieRaye