For so long now I've wondered where exactly I fit in on the Christian spectrum.  I've always felt like I was somewhere on the fringe not quite fitting in anywhere. The firsti time I had a man prophesy over me he said that I have been watching a parade go by and that I wanted to be a part of it, but have always been in the crowd watching.  He told me that I was like the woman with the issue of blood that just needed to touch the hem of Jesus' robe.  I've also often wondered if that wasn't part of God's plan.  Am I really supposed to "fit" somewhere.  After all I'm only here for a brief time right?  Over the years as my relationship with Christ has deepened so has my longing to fulfill his will in my life.  On the homefront I think that I am fulfilling that role and do feel challenged daily.  On the "ministry" or "mission" front I feel bored.  I know I have a calling, but am reluctant to step into it.  Fear is the most likely culprit.  Fear of what others may think of me.  Not just others in general, but others who have known me for years and have wanted me to "conform" to their way of thinking.  I've tried to fit the mold, but when it comes right down to it I don't.  I sense that God has something for me outside of being a wife and raising my children. Gasp!  No, it doesn't mean I'm going to quit homeschooling because although it's hard I have done it long enough to see the benefits it has.

I have always wanted to work with girls (or women) who have found themselves in an untimely pregnancy.  That is the reason I went into education in the first place was so I could teach pregnant girls so their option wasn't just to quit school because of their shame.  Unfortunately the area we lived in offered no such programs, but I did have pregnant girls in my classes and I would eat lunch with them and just accept them when others wouldn't. When the girls were getting uncomfortable behind a desk most of the teachers would just deem it as their problem.  Very sad. I was even pregnant at the same time as one of my students.  My goal has always been to get my counseling degree and work with pregnant moms who have no support.  That is my heart.  That is where much of my mercy and compassion is.  That is where I believe I can make a difference.  God has been showing me that He is tired of me selling myself short.  I've buried my talents, partly out of fear and partly because I started believing the lies that I didn't have much to offer anyone except my family.   God is showing me that he has given me a story and he wants me to share it to help others overcome the shame and hurt in their lives.  God has blessed me with an endurance and perseverance when it comes to other people.  I am not a cut and run person.  When I make a friend it's for the long haul.  God wants to use that in my life.  I'm learning that not everyone wants to take the time to invest in others long term.  They will invest to get their return (recognition, feel god about themselves) and then someone better comes along and the former friends are forgotten.  So God has been showing me my worth and forcing me to accept it.  That's hard for me.  I've always been so focused on my unworthiness that this is a new way of thinking for me.  At a group last week the teacher asked us what God had asked us to do that we haven't done.  I could think of several things.  So, my first step today is to call the pregnancy crisis center and find out what I need to do to become a volunteer/counselor.  Then I will pray and let God determine my next step.

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