What are some good reasons to marry?  What are some bad reasons to marry?  I want my children to know these things!

Why some people marry:

1. To be taken care of

2. Pregnancy

3. Rebound

4. Rebellion

5. Escape from an unhappy home

6. Loneliness

7. Physical attraction

8. Social pressure

9. Guilt and pity

10.        Physical and emotional needs

The Purposes for marriage:

1. Completion (Galatians 6:2 Bearing one another’s burdens)

2. Consolation (Genesis 2:18 A helpmate)

3. Communication

4. S_ _ (Yes, that is a biblical purpose, too!)

5. Creation

6. Evangelism (The family unit, when operated biblically, is one of the most powerful tools in evangelism!)

Congratulations to mrs_bilbrey@...!  You have been chosen as the winner of the free ebook, Scriptures for Counseling and Discipline.  (Be looking for an email from me.)  Enjoy your ebook!

In one month, the oldest couple in our church will celebrate their 70th... yes 70th... wedding anniversary.  At the same time, about a month ago, the youngest couple on our street just got divorced.  It breaks my heart to see couples throw away such a beautiful gift as marriage.  What??  Did you say your marriage is not that beautiful?  That can change if you are willing to put aside some things, and be willing to put the effort in to the marriage that it deserves.

(BTW, I loved the movie Fireproof.)

Why marriages fail?

1. One or both persons fail to understand the stages and changes of individual development.  “Seasons of life”

2. People have an inadequate basis upon which they build their identity and security.

3. Lack of preparation for marriage and unrealistic expectations.  Ill preparation makes it easy to forget important information when things get rough.

a. Your mate is a gift from God.

b. God should be in control.

c. You must die daily.

How do you stay committed?  The same way you stay committed to Christ- die daily to self.  Your relationship with Christ or your husband should not depend on what they do for you.  (“If you love me, you will ______.”)  Neither Christ nor your spouse is your puppet.

Gal 2:20  “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”

Today’s philosophy focuses on individual rights.  If we die daily, we have no rights, only privileges given by God.

Eph 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” In Ephesians 5:25 husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loves the church, but notice that the command in verse 22 does not say, “if your husband does what it says in verse 25, then submit.”

Marriage requires a redefining of roles, beliefs and behaviors… Negotiation is vital.  It also requires you to say, “We are different, and that’s OK.”

What does all this mean for training our children?  We train our children to biblically work out their problems between each other.  If they can learn to communicate, love, and serve each other, they will have a much easier time in marriage.  If we can teach them to treasure each individual as unique and a gift from the Lord, treasuring a spouse will be much easier.  If we can show them how ugly divorce really is and how hurtful it is to all those involved, they will think twice about using divorce to solve their problems.  If they can see how beautiful a Christ-centered marriage is, maybe they will have an appetite for it and settle for nothing less.

So, thank you, Mr. Jack and Mrs. Marie, for 70 years of a great testimony to this "throw-it-away" world.  You are an inspiration to me and my children!

Wow.  I just read my last blog entry.  I am up late because my oldest child is sick.  I sure am glad I posted that reminder of how we can love our children!  Cleaning up a sick child at midnight is no fun at all!

Titus 2:4  That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children...

So, how do I teach my daughter to love her children?  First by demonstrating it.  Jesus didn't just tell His disciples what to do.  He demonstrated everything He wanted them to learn.  Secondly, my daughter has to learn to put aside her desires and even her needs to reach out in compassion for her children.  If I want her to truly love her children, she must learn to sacrifice... to die to self daily in the service of her Savior.  And so should I!

Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Neh 1:3-4

“And they said unto me, The remnant that are left of the captivity there in the province are in great affliction and reproach: the wall of Jerusalem also is broken down, and the gates thereof are burned with fire.  And it came to pass, when I heard these words, that I sat down and wept, and mourned certain days, and fasted, and prayed before the God of heaven…”

Neh 2:17-18

“Then said I unto them, Ye see the distress that we are in, how Jerusalem lieth waste, and the gates thereof are burned with fire: come, and let us build up the wall of Jerusalem, that we be no more a reproach.  Then I told them of the hand of my God which was good upon me; as also the king's words that he had spoken unto me. And they said, Let us rise up and build. So they strengthened their hands for this good work.”

Neh 4:6

“So built we the wall; and all the wall was joined together unto the half thereof: for the people had a mind to work.”

The home is supposed to be a place of safety and security, an environment that encourages healthy emotional development.  Our homes have been attacked and taken captive.  The walls have been torn down.  We have become a reproach.  Let us come together, strengthen our hands for this good work, have a mind to work, and

rebuild those walls.

What is marriage?

(So You are Getting Married by Norman Wright p6-7)

Marriage is a gift from God.

Marriage is an opportunity for love to be learned and experienced.

Marriage is a journey in which the travelers are faced with many choices, and are responsible for those choices.

Marriage is affected more by inner communication than outer communication.

Marriage is influenced by issues from the past.

Marriage is a call to servanthood.

Marriage is a call to friendship.

Marriage is a call to suffering.

Marriage is a refining process.

Marriage is not an event, but a way of life.

Marriage requires intimacy in all areas for it to be fulfilling.

Ultimately, marriage is an unconditional commitment…

 Entering a room with no exits.

Let's take a look:

1.  Dating establishes a pattern of breaking up... not commitment as needed for a healthy, stable marriage.  It trains people to leave when things aren't going well.

 2.  People usually hide their true character in the dating scene.  Getting to know the real person is very difficult.  

3.  Dating is typically selfishly motivated, with both sides seeking personal gratification and satisfaction. 

4.  The Lord is usually not the focus of the dating relationship.

5.  In dating, physical intimacy is a strong temptation in order to "keep the emotional ball rolling."

6.   "Dating feeds the romance mentality, rather than true friendship."

7.  Dating often causes a discontentment "with God’s gift of singleness." 

8. "'Playing the field' may sound like a legitimate effort to find Mr. or Mrs. Right,     

     but it really reveals a profound lack of faith." 

9.  Pursuing the date scene romances can be a distraction in following the Lord.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks in a marriage is poor communication.  We want to teach our children how to properly communicate there needs and feelings.  If they can do it well with the members of their family, they will be able to communicate well with their spouse.

What is communication?  "A process by which information is exchanged using sounds, behaviors, and systems common to those exchanging the information."

(Between men and women there is a vast contrast in the area of communication.)

Why can communication be so difficult?  When two people talk, there are six possible messages:

1.      What you mean to say

2.      What you actually say

3.      What the other person hears

4.      What the other person thinks he hears

5.      What the other person says

6.      What you think the other person said about what you said

Think before you speak.  Make sure words and body language are common to both of you in portraying the message you want to convey.  Your goal is for both of you to walk away with complete understanding.

There are five levels of communication:

5        Cliché conversation (“I am not…”)

4        Reporting facts about others (“I know…”)

3        My ideas and judgments (“I think…”)

2        My feelings, emotions (“I feel…”)

1        Peak communication (“I am…”)

I think, I feel, I wish, I need, I’m afraid

The goal is to reach peak communication between spouses/family members.  It leaves a person vulnerable for attack, but that is where trust comes in to play.  When peak communication is achieved, relationships are made stronger.

Five ways to improve communication immediately:

1.     The next time you see the person (spouse), ask how their day was and really focus on the answer.  Ask some follow-up questions.

2.     Put life on hold and really focus on that person.  Turn off the television, forget the laundry, the dishes will wait.  Take frequent opportunities to express, “You are important to me.”

3.     Send a note or a gift for no particular reason.

4.     Find a way to get the communication flowing.  Long walks are GREAT for this.  Explore the goals and dreams of the other person.  Career, church, family… find out what is really important to them.

5.     When a crisis comes, move right in on it.  In a relationship, nothing says “I love you” like dropping everything when a person is hurt, upset, or burdened.

If you do not own this book, you need to!  I almost cry every time I read it to my daughter.  She wants to read it over and over.

The Princess and the Kiss is a beautiful simplified example of courtship, wisdom, and purity written to capture the heart of even the youngest reader.  You can order it here .

In courtship, the parents are involved in the process of searching for God's will in marriage.  It is not an arranged marriage.  The child does not marry someone solely based on Mom and Dad's recommendation.  The child must be convinced in his/her own mind and heart that this is what the Lord wants for them.  However, the child should not marry someone if the parents are not satisfied that the person is the one the Lord has chosen.  (Yes, I know there are a million "what-ifs" to the situation, but this will give you a general concept.)

What is my basis for parental involvement?

Of course, I would begin with the all the verses in scripture that command parents to teach their children, train their children, and bring their children up in the fear on admonition of the Lord.  That would explain the training aspects of courtship... but what about the actual search for the Lord's will in who they should marry?

Psa 119:24 Thy testimonies also are my delight and my counselors.

Mom and Dad are training their children to seek God's Word as a counselor.  Their guidance should not just be "Yes, I like him," or "No, I just do not think she is the one."  Their guidance should be "He doesn't have a respect for authority.  Proverbs warns us against hanging around people like that."

Parents should also be training their children to seek godly counsel.

Does it ever require the parents to give command not to hang around certain people?  Absolutely.  But that is where relationship is key. 

Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

Memorize that!  Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

If the parents have nurtured a close, trusting relationship with their children, they have earned their trust in return.  If they have consistantly trained the children, aiming toward the heart and not just their behaviors, they will have gained their children's admiration.  If the parents have lived what they have taught, they will have cultivated their children's respect.

Chew on this:

Should parents be the only counsel children seek in pursuing the Lord's will in marriage?

Pro 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Pro 15:22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.

Wise parents will train their children to seek counsel from godly men and women, though the parents remain the authority in the child's life and, prayerfully, the most trusted and respected source of counsel.

How did our family get started with considering courtship?

When thinking about training children for their future rolls as a husband (boys) or wife (girls) the question must be asked, "Where do we start?"  It all starts with Dad and Mom.

I had been praying and researching about courtship for awhile, before I approached my husband about the issue.  Courtship is a change of direction from how we were raised.  We dated.  I definitely want more for our children- something better.  I listened to a great internet broadcast from Ron Wright of Before the Kiss on the Mom to Mom Radio Show with Cindy Rushton.  It really explained the concept quite clearly.  I really believed (then and now) that this is the direction God wants for our family.  But what about my husband?  He is the leader of the home.  What is he going to think?  How do I get him to listen and make a decision?  Or should I just pursue this on my own?

On an afternoon when my husband was feeling particularly communicative, I brought up the subject.  I told him I had listened to a Dad (Ron Wright) explain why he chooses courtship for his family.  Then I said (this is key,) "I would love if we could listen to the audio together sometime so that you can decide if this is something that you believe the Lord wants for our family.  I would also love you guidance on it."

Did you see what I did?  No nagging necessary.  What I did was ask for help in a fashion that respects his authority.  (I also turned myself into a damsel in distress.)  What knight in shining armour wouldn't answer this cry!

I firmly believe that a husband and wife must agree on the courtship issue.  One may initially be more passionate about it, but they must know what direction they are headed.  If not, it will give room for division in the home as the children get older.

Anyway, we had a workday in the yard not long after that, so I turned up the volume on the stereo with Ron Wright's audio playing.  As we worked together, we listened to this fellow parent pour out his passion for courtship.  My husband didn't say much.  I was concerned he was working and not really listening, but I just waited patiently.

After it ended, I waited a few minutes.  I asked my husband later about it.  His response?

"It wasn't just good," he said.  "It's right."  I asked him if this is the direction he believed the Lord wanted us to go with our children.  He said yes.

Step 1: Pray. (Check)

Step 2: Study and pray some more. (Check)

Step 3: Approach spouse and make sure you agree on the issue of dating and courtship. (Check)

That's how we began considering courtship.

If you have never heard of courtship before, you may be wondering what it is.  Is it arranged marriages?

I like the definition Before the Kiss gives courtship.

"Courtship is the process of finding out if it is God's will for a boy and a girl to get married, with direct involvement of the parents before the hearts are given away."

It is by no means "arranged marriages."  The parents are, however, crucial in the process.  What is their roll?  They are to guide, protect, train, pray, and help in the search for God's will in their child's life concerning marriage.

So, how am I doing that with my three young children?  The list is endless!  Today, I think I shall talk about praying for the mate God has for my children.  Yes, even now, I pray for the one that God wants them to marry.  I pray that God will keep them pure, and that He will reach their heart so that they will have a passion for Him.  I pray that they will learn to respect authority (something extremely lacking in this generation.)  I pray that they will be protected from the battle scars that this sinful world can leave even on the innocent.  I pray that they will learn to earnetly seek God's will for their life.  I pray that they will not have to endure the pain of parents divorcing.  I pray for their parents, too.  I want them to have a passion for God and a desire to parent "on purpose" and not passively.

If you want to begin this walk of preparing your children for marriage, pray for the family of the one your child will one day marry.  You may not know who it will be, but God knows!

For those of you who know me from my other blogs ( Homeschool TV and My Family Blog) know that I love a challenge.  I might as well... parenting is full of challenges!  This blog will be one of those exciting challenges.  Recently, I began really focusing on how I am preparing my children for when they will spread their wings, leave the nest, and have a family of their own.  My children are only 9, 4, and 1.  Isn't it too early to focus on that?!

Nope!  Especially in the time we live in, it is essential that we focus on that aspect of child rearing.  My husband and I have a beautiful, open, unguarded, intimate, and understanding relationship centered upon God's lovely Word.  I want that for my children, too.  I hope you will join me on my journey as I share how I am training up my children.  Feel free to ask questions and leave comments.