Oct. 30, 2008 - Too much
Somebody, help me! I think I've had too much caffeine in the last few hours. Three large cups of coffee and almost two 24 oz bottles of Dr. Pepper. My fault. It is 12:34 a.m. (I'll tell you that story another time) and I am sitting at my desk almost sobbing. I am ultra emtional, and for what? It's not hormone time.
I've just been thinking about my life. I used to belong to an organization called International Order of the Rainbow for Girls. It's under the Masonic umbrella. Now, don't freak out if you think the Masons are a bunch of cult members. Please. It's a perfectly acceptable organization for young ladies between 12-20, I am a Christian, and looking back, I see nothing offensive.
To the point, I was looking online at the organization wondering where I could fill in some alumni information, and there were pictures from my Grand year there! I used to be young. And about 80 pounds lighter. I had no responsibilities to speak of. It reminds me of a time that I will never have again. I just can't describe to you the emotion I am feeling on this. I am not regretting becoming a mother and wife (opposite order first ;o)) , just what I'm currently doing with the situation I'm in.
Who am I? What am I doing daily? Am I making an impact on my children and positively influencing them? Am I a help-meet to my husband and concerned with his needs?
I'm at a loss right now to find many things positive. I'm not unhappy, no. I am blessed. But I feel after examining myself, I am squandering God's gifts to me.
Reminds me of a song on the "Prince Caspian" soundtrack, "This is Home." Here's the first part of the lyrics.
I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known
Boy, you really can't go back to how it was. It's fruitless to think of too much nostalgic ideals. How does that encourage me now? I need to plan and develop the present and future times in my life. We were created for a place we haven't seen yet, and dwelling on how things used to be won't take us anywhere. Even if one could get back to the way it was, one's mindset would be different. You just can't relive the past. Not that I'd even want to, some regrets I don't want to have to relive, but that means all the more I just need to really live, really live in the moment and take as much joy out of it as possible.
Anyhow, sometimes deep thoughts just don't get translated to writing properly. I am a lazy bum, and need to start making life matter.
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