I have been a parent for 11 years. I still feel like somewhere in the whole process I missed getting the manual, or the download of parental wisdom. Other parents seem to have it...I still call my mom and dad when the washer breaks, or my son injures himself in some new and unusual way. When I watch old episodes of “Little House and the Prairie”, I am amazed at the wise answers Ma and Pa always have.

I don't know if other adults really have it all figured out better than I do, or if they are just better at playing the part. Whatever the case, I seemed to be woefully inadequate at Park Day last month when it was my duty to dispense adult wisdom.

It started innocently enough. Some of the older boys approached me and another mom and announced “We found something you need to take a look at.” I immediately thought...”Is it a hypodermic needle, a used prophylactic, some drug paraphernalia I wouldn't even recognize”....I was so relieved when they held out a cigarette lighter.

“What should we do with it?” they asked.

Now, my own mother would have said “Give it to me, I'll put it in my purse, and if we are stranded on a desert island we will use it to start a fire” My dad would have told them about how the lighter worked, the chemical composition of what was in the lighter, and then had some cool if slightly questionable use for the lighter...like teaching them all to breathe fire.

“Just throw it away.” I sagely answered.

Immediately, all eyes were on me. This was clearly NOT the right answer.

“We can't do that”

“Um, why not?!” BIG mistake on my part. Will I never learn?!

“Because, remember how the kids burned down the other park with a cigarette lighter! We don't want this park to get burned down.”

“It's probably still OK to throw it out..nobody is that likely to go fishing through the trash”

At this point, my opinion was clearly deemed worthless by the group. They could tell I didn't get the parental wisdom manual. They turned their attention to the other mom.

“Is there any fluid left in it?” she continued, quickly assuming the mantle of authority I had failed to uphold.

“Oh yes, we tested it!”

“Well, maybe just take it home and throw it out” she suggested.

This sounded like a good solution to me...but remember, I am wearing the parental dunce cap at this point.

“Oh no, we can't do that. It is hazardous waste!”

“Let's bury it!” one of the kids suggested, and they all ran off.

Fortunately, the other kids' mother showed up at this point. She is one of those moms who somehow got a copy of the parental wisdom manual. They all ran up to her and went through the whole litany of questions and possible solutions again. She sagely listened, the orchestra cued the music they always use on TV when sage parental advice is about to be dispensed, and she said “Well, just take it home and we'll put it in the hazardous waste disposal”

The kids were a little disappointed...”We really wanted to bury it!” but they handed her the lighter and went off, happy that finally they had found an adult who was worthy of the title.

Now I think part of my problem in the lighter disposal dilemma was that I am not a native of this fine state. Kids here think the 3R's are reduce, reuse, recycle. Where I grew up, we recycled bottles and cans, too. We shot them. I do recycle, but I also drink a flat of plastic water bottles a week. I haven't come around to the whole hazardous waste thing. I throw batteries in the trash (shhh!) If there was a Californian purgatory, I'm sure I'd be on the same level as people who eat spotted owl egg omelets

This is what it might have been like if Eve had been from California,

Devil: “Eat the fruit”

Eve: “No thanks, fruit has too many carbs”

Devil :“This fruit is special, no carbs”

Eve: “Well, is it organic?”

Devil: “Um, sure..You can see it is still on the tree”

Eve: “Has the dirt around here been free from commercial farming from the past three years?”

Devil: “Um DUH, the world was just created about a week ago”

Eve: “Were any pesticides used to treat the apple?”

Devil: “No, I used chickens for pest control”

Eve: “Were they free-range chickens?”

Devil:“Yes, you can ask Oprah herself”

Eve: “Did the chickens eat any endangered species of insects?!”

Devil:“I give up!”

Maybe in another eleven years I'll have it figured out a little better, but I doubt it. Guess my kids will have to make those difficult decisions on what to do with hazardous waste without any input from their environmentally unconscious mother. I won't ever give those meaningful speeches like Moms on TV or in books, but hopefully my kids will appreciate the many opportunities I give them to think for themselves.