At the crossroads

May. 1, 2008 - Married with God

Several years ago my husband and I separated. Our marriage had gotten to the point where I would rather leave than have to argue with him about anything one more time. I didn't like the person I was becoming having to guard myself all of the time. I was hard and often emotionless. What I believed didn't matter (at the time I wasn't a Christian but I did believe marriage was a one time thing.) The day after a huge, violent fight with my husband I went to see a lawyer and began the process of filing for a divorce.

Six months after our separation the Lord brought us back together. To this day I can't explain this other than it was divine intervention. My husband had been witnessed to at work and the doors were open to his salvation. (Remember yesterday I talked about rejection? Guess what I did when my husband told me about his new faith!) I thought he was nuts and was very angry with him for taking our children to church. I believed that was something we should both decide. I was so angry with him! My anger and sin began to rule my life and before long I blew up at my boss at work and quit my job on the spot. (He would have fired me if I didn't quit.) It didn't take long before I realized what I had done...here I was living on my own trying to support three kids and put my job in jeopardy without even thinking twice and then quit. I didn't know what to do so I called my husband.

DH immediately asked if I would give him another chance. I was so reluctant but I just didn't know what else to do or where else to go. My husband told me he knew he had been wrong and he had been praying for a chance to make it up to me. He said he had almost lost hope. A few days later he moved in to my apartment and agreed to sleep on the couch until I trusted him again. He stopped drinking and smoking and using drugs and was responsible. He went to work everyday and he came home to us every night. He committed himself to me and the kids and before long I trusted him. But I still thought he was nuts with the whole Christian thing. Then, about a month later my eyes were opened and I was saved.

Both my husband and I wanted to get re-married as a symbol of our acceptance of the Lord as the head of our marriage. We wanted to walk with the Lord in our marriage every day and never experience that awful time we had again. But we didn't. Instead we focused on building our finances and staying debt free and going back to school and raising our family and homeschooling. While all of that sounds like good stuff...it was our focus. Not God.

A month ago DH lost his job. We have been without income all along. God has held us the whole time. He has been faithful and he has provided a new opportunity. Even though we weren't faithful and committed to Him, He has shown us His love. My husband and I have recommitted ourselves to our joint walk with God. I have been getting up with him at 5:30 every morning, making his coffee and breakfast and we have taken time to pray together before he leaves. My husband has taken two steps back in his career and none of that stuff he focused on before has any meaning. And somehow with a giant loss of income, we're able to make ends meet right now. This recent event in our lives has proven once again how much God loves us and will always care for us. And this time we both want to show our thanks by not losing our focus. WE LOVE YOU, GOD!!!!

Apr. 30, 2008 - That'll teach me!

This past Sunday we went to church again. We didn't go with any expectations...just to be there for our friend who was singing that day. The kids chose to stay with us in the sanctuary because they wanted to hear her sing too. It may not be the right reason to go but any time we step foot in church is a victory in my book! With all of our hang-ups and fears my husband and I were both kind of quiet afterwards. Finally, DH asked why I was so quiet and thus began another strange conversation about church.

The thing is, I know why I am afraid to go to church. I have been rejected by the people that I love. I am different in a lot of ways from my family and always have been so I have always kind of been the odd girl out. I stood alone most of my life with my quarkiness and funny ideas about life, whether right or wrong. Now as a believer I am more different than ever. Sometimes I don't even know what to say or do when my family is around...I just keep busy.

Growing up in a family that does not neccessarily agree with organized religion, I grew up with a bias toward the church. When I was saved, my eyes were open to Jesus and what I saw was nothing like what I thought about the church. To me, Jesus was more of a character in a best selling novel than a real man or son of God. So you can imagine my surprise when I learned the truth! The first thing I wanted to do was share this with my family because I wanted them to know how wonderful this knowledge was. Not to correct them. Not to admonish them. But to say "HEY! This is really neat. I wish I had known this before because this would have saved me a lot of trouble! You guys ought to check this out! This might help you!" But instead...REJECTED. Being a newborn in the faith, I didn't know how to handle this...it hurt. But guess what? There is someone who knows exactly what it feels like to be rejected and to this day is still rejected...my savior.

Yesterday I talked to my friend about my fears (again--thank God she has the patience to put up with me!) And she pointed this out to me again. Jesus himself was rejected by his own father when he drew his last breath. His disciples rejected him too and claimed they did not know him. Who better to understand me than Jesus Christ? So, my fear: What if the body of believers rejects me? Well, if they do I still have Jesus and always will.

DH and I have been making our own plans to move and reduce our expenses. We don't know where to go. Going to church on Sunday, even though we're still looking in from the outside, felt more like home than ever before. We are so different...yet there does seem to be room for us in that church...quarky and funny as we are. We stopped making plans for now and have decided to walk through a door that has remained open to us.

Apr. 29, 2008 - Real cute

This is Chewy, our first family mammal. Chewy was named for Chubacka (spelling?) from Star Wars even though she's a girl. But her name fits her very well.

This is what Chewy did last night.

Apr. 25, 2008 - I've got it all wrong

For years I have held onto a vision of what I think it looks like to be a Christian. This morning I learned that this vision is something I created and is not something God revealed to me. And that I have been trying to be more like this vision, flailing around and struggling because it is not for me.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. It was one of those nights where as soon as I was conscious again, I became undulated with worry. I didn't want to worry and I tried all sorts of things to keep my mind from thinking. I tried counting. I tried repeating the alphabet. I tried naming states and capitals. But my mind just kept wandering back to worry. Since I wasn't able to sleep, I went downstairs so I wouldn't wake anyone. I lay on the couch and submitted to worry and simultaneously begged God to take it away. Before I knew it I was crying. I had put so much weight up against the floodgates trying to keep from falling apart and "losing faith" that I had become weak and could no longer hold anything back. I was screaming at God. I was angry. I was confused.

In all of my releasing, I heard a small voice that said, "You are Christine, follower of Christ. Your name is not a mistake." I stopped crying to ponder the thought, wondering why I had it and wondering what it meant. Before long I had fallen asleep again.

It wasn't until this morning that it dawned on me why I had that thought. I have been trying to be someone else...I have been trying to fit into a mold that I believe is "Christian" based on comparisons with other Christians. And I haven't fit that mold very well at all. All of my actions have been of my own accord. I have been forcing changes on myself and my family because it is what I think I need to do to "make the cut". But the thing is, these changes have made me less authentic than ever. No wonder I struggle!

Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. 1 Corinthians 7:17

God never asked me to be someone else. He called me, Christine, when I was weak and lowly. I was nothing to brag about. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1 Corinthians 1:26-29

My husband and I have come into humble circumstances once again. You could say we're almost back to where we started when we first began our journey as Christians in a lot of ways. In our fear we have tried to walk a tightrope, using up all of our energy to try not to fail. We have been guarded. I don't know where we will go from here, but I am going as Christine...follower of Christ. My name is not a mistake.

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Apr. 24, 2008 - Working on the land

We were down on our land again Tuesday and Wednesday and got a lot done. It is nice to be making progress. We tore down the old goose house. Now we still need to tear down the outhouse, both sheds, the shelter house and the two rooms off of the back of the house. We're hoping to build a garage down there this year but don't know if we'll be able to yet.

DH starts work on Monday and is not excited about losing all of this free time. We have been enjoying our time together as a family and taking advantage of every moment. Hopefully the new job won't be so mentally taxing and we'll have just as much fun together as we have been.

Well, we're helping my in-laws today with yardwork so I better scoot. The kids were very good and got all of their assignments done first thing!

Apr. 18, 2008 - Hey Indiana Homeschoolers!

Any Indiana homeschoolers or those traveling through our state wanting to learn some history...I have a homeschool friendly field trip for you...Vincennes!

We visited Vincennes, Indiana as part of our study on the French & Indian fur trade, westward expansion and George Rogers Clark. This is pretty much an ongoing study for us as this time period in Indiana is of special interest to Daddy-o. The George Rogers Clark National Park offers FREE admission to homeschoolers and allows access to the monument, the park grounds, a 30-minute historical movie about George Rogers Clark and the Battle of Vincennes, and the Old Cathedral and French and Indian cemetery. The park rangers are awesome...very informative and helpful. We also visited the William Henry Harrison mansion and village nearby. This is not free but $10 for the family.

Here are some pictures from our trip:

This is a picture of us on a 6 pound cannon like the British used to try to keep George Rogers Clark from taking Fort Sackville with the National monument behind us.

This is the site of Fort Sackville with the monument in the background.

Inside there are six paintings depicting the events that led up to the capture of Fort Sackville. A statue of George Rogers Clark is in the center of the monument overlooking the site of the original fort.

Here we are listening to a short recording about the battle and the monument.

The kids are awarded their Junior Ranger badges for participating in a short educational program. (They are collecting their Junior Ranger badges from all the National Parks we visit)

This is the Old Cathedral and the site of the cemetery where the first public school teacher (back when God was allowed in our schools) in Indiana is buried. Vincennes University is the fist university in Indiana.

This is a picture of the inside of the cathedral.

This is the side of William Henry Harrison (our nation's ninth President) mansion.

These buildings are just outside of the mansion. These are all Vincennes State Historic Sites.

This monument to Abraham Lincoln's family is just over the Wabash River in Illinois. We decided to go see it since we were there.

Apr. 16, 2008 - The plan

Well, here's the plan:

1. Get a job. Any job! Check! We got it. DH was offered a job this afternoon. It's a tech job and not management like he had before but hey, it's a job. He will work a four day/ten hour week with some overtime so we should see a few more 3 day weekends in our future! We won't be able to live this lavish life anymore though.

2. Sell the house.

3. Rent something cheap. Real cheap.

4. Scrimp and save.

5. Write! Write! Write!

6. Continue working on our land to get it to a point where we can build a structure we can use as shelter. (Something a little more reliable than what we've got!)

7. Enjoy our blessings!

Ahhh, simple.

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Apr. 16, 2008 - How to SUCCESSFULLY be unemployed :- )

I have decided to re-cap and update the events of our lives leading to this point, highlighting what we have learned from our experience thus far.

On March 28, 2008, my husband was informed his position within his company was eliminated due to company restructuring. While the abruptness of this news took us a little by shock, we were already in the process of thinking "what if" it happened. Of course thinking about it is never enough to prepare for it.

Last night my husband and I talked at great length (again) about what this all means and where we could take it. We have talked about going on the road. We have talked about trying to find a way to stay here. We have talked about selling this place and renting. We have even talked about living in a tent on our land! But throughout all of this, we still don't have a job. My husband has sent his resume to two dozen or more engineering firms and has been on 3 interviews, met with recruiters, networked with friends and colleagues...he is finding a dried up job market. Our situation is further complicated because while my husband has a BS in project management, he does not have an engineering degree and for that experience he has just been adept enough to learn. In the engineering world, if you're not an EIT or PE, it is unlikely anyone will take a risk on you. He has had to start applying for more entry level jobs that just won't pay what he was earning.

My husband is a very good writer. Here is an exerpt from a novel he has been working on:

The first bird of the morning subtly introduced itself to the dewy grayness of the silent hour before dawn. Its long intermittent chirps and whirs beckoned its avian cousins to call back and hail the rising sun. Although none responded, the first bird of the morning did not abandon his post in the short pine tree behind the Raymond’s house. It was the woodland caller announcing the new day. As dawn stealthily approached in the ephemeral minutes of a hypnagogic sleep, a second bird of the forest gave a quick, uncertain chirrup. It was answered after a short pause by another chirrup by the same species. An exchange of ascending notes began between the two, and soon a third joined. Then a louder bird started singing a lively melody with a sharp crescendo that cut through the darkness. The little winged sopranos continued their treetop talk under the strident tones of the louder bird. The first bird of the morning had now been hushed, and the dimness above the canopy had retreated into the steely clouds of a morning sky withholding rain. Several small species of woodland birds had assembled for the morning worship, whether the sun would appear or not. As their queues were secretly given, they called out from their waiting perches and resting places. Their biorhythmic chorus was composed before the dawn of man, and the voices resounded from the colorful beaks to rise into a symphonic charge, the overture of the new day. When a thin sheet of crimson sunlight tore out from underneath the feathery blanket of clouds at the eastern horizon, the avian choir was in the climax of its glorious song.

As you can see, it is quite good. I believe he can write for a living. But anyone familiar with relying on writing or art as a living knows it means hard times. But I believe God gave my husband this gift. So I told him last night I don't mind being poor again if it means he will write. An entry level tech job, an apartment and Ramen noodles...we can do it!

In conclusion, the best way to be successful at anything is to put your hope in God and believe. BELIEVE!

Apr. 14, 2008 - Week 3

But when he [the believer] asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. James 1:6-8 [clarification my own]

We are living each and every day completely and totally dependent on God. Or are we? While yes, we have nothing lined up and only ideas on paper, we're still not exactly sure what God's will is for us. But we are applying God's word to our life and situation right now and probably need a lot of time to really let it sink in because we could easily backslide into feeling secure because of a job or a paycheck. We must not doubt the Lord's work but it is easy to find my mind wandering into fear.

Doubt and fear. Doubt and fear. What total joy killers!

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. 1 Peter 3:14-15

Our hope is in the Lord.

Apr. 12, 2008 - Lots to do, Doin' lots

We have been busy bees lately. Today we had the kids' first soccer games of the season despite the spitting snow (is it spring? I thought it was spring.) Our son won his game but our daughter lost...however they really don't keep score so it's not that big of a deal. The real news was that it was COLD...I think about 32° windchill. YIKES!

My sister-in-law is in town from Florida (thanks to the lovely weather, she can't wait to go home!) so she spent the night and then sat out in the cold to watch her niece and nephew play this morning. What a great Auntie!! Then we went to the Eiteljorg, which is a museum of Native American and Western Art. Right now there is a Yosemite exhibit featuring Ansel Adams and Albert Bierstadt (one of my husbands favorite artists). The kids made some Native American crafts and had a great time.

Apr. 11, 2008 - I'M ALIVE!

Wow, I feel more alive than ever. God is good. No, GOD IS GREAT!

To add to "the story", one thing I forgot to mention is "the dream". I did mention my wanderlust as a hippy-wanna-be. But you know how it goes, you add kids to the mix and you really think about settling and trying to give them something close to what you had. Here's what I had...

I had a great family. My dad had some wanderlust of his own and often talked about trading in the sedate life for a life on the road. That always excited me. We never did live on the road but we moved A LOT. And we traveled A LOT. So in a way, I always thought of my home as America, not really just one place. This has been a trouble spot for me because I have always anticipated moving on. Settling down is hard.

This last move was supposed to be our settling. We bought a big ol' house to grow in and see our kids go from little sprouts to the adult world. This was supposed to be home. We bit off a little more than we could chew thinking we would just grow right along with it. But you can take one look at the housing market, the economy and just about everything else decaying in our country right now and you can see we're not living in a stable world. Living in little pink houses isn't the way the world is right now. There is something nasty brewing out there and there need to be people out there to help bring in the sheep, I think.

I'm not poised to bring millions out of poverty or anything like that. But I do have experience in living below the poverty level. And we have experience being unemployed. We have experience between choosing God or choosing drugs and alcohol for comfort. We have been in the fire and we're constantly going back in for refinement. We're people. People choosing to live for God no matter how hard life becomes. And there are a lot of people out there in the world living a hard life.

The person who witnessed to me talked to me like I was just another person. He never made me feel different for not being a believer. He just talked to me. No one ever did that before. I was only judged and criticized for making bad choices and told I was headed for hell. That didn't make me want to embrace Jesus. But seeing someone, struggling with real life, real choices, whether or not to continue pursuing the ministry but knowing how much he loved God and how much God loved him through it all made me wonder what Jesus was about. No one handed me a tract, or invited me to church, or preached that I needed Jesus in my life...they just lived it right before my very eyes. That's what I need to do.

I need to get out there and live right before the eyes of the unbelievers because I love them and I know Jesus loves them and they will never know without more examples. They have been TOLD...but have they SEEN?

So, back to the dream. My husband and I have talked for a very long time about living on the road. We have no idea how to make it happen. We're not even in a position right now to do anything to make it happen. But there is an open door and we're looking through it right now. And I'm thinking, this could be our chance at living a life for Jesus so that others can see the good and the truth about our savior.

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on a stand, so that those who come may see the light." Luke 11:33

Apr. 9, 2008 - The story

Well, now that I find myself in this awkward position in life, I feel I should tell the whole story because this is just another chapter in our ongoing saga. ;- ) It's kind of a modern Pilgrims Progress, if you will.

My husband and I used to be wild. I was totally into the Grateful Dead and living a bohemian lifestyle. My dream was to live in a bus and travel around the country, touring with the Dead and just hanging out. I had no desire for mainstream life AT ALL. My husband was a carefree, guitar playing artist/poet who lived all over the place but never really had a place of his own. We met in high school but I was dating a loser at the time so there was never a romantic connection. We were more or less acquaintences.

Upon turning 18, I moved out of my parents house because they were cramping my style. I held a myriad of jobs including veteranarian assistant, dog groomer (I was professionally trained!), secretary for Papa John's pizza franchises, dry clean counter girl...etc. I even tried college for a little while but just wasn't ready for it. Then I fell in love with my husband.

We were really into each other. I loved his art and his poems and he was incredibly smart. He was also really hot. We dated about six months or so before we decided to get married. We rented a smaller apartment (I had a roommate before) and moved in together. I got pregnant almost immediately.

When this happened our whole world turned upside down. We didn't have a "plan". We were just going to get married and maybe travel some and then go back to school together but the pregnancy changed everything. I didn't have a lot of positive people in my life at the time and I was encouraged quite emphatically to get an abortion but I did not believe this was right. Nor did my husband (then boyfriend). So we moved our wedding date up even though we were definitely not ready for marriage or children.

The first six years of our marriage were very hard. We were poor and struggled. My husband did not have a sense of responsibility yet and we were both bad at making good decisions. We ran up an unthinkable credit card debt just to pay bills and keep food on the table and often had our utilities shut off. We were in threat of foreclosure for years, paying our mortgage a few months late and desperately trying to catch up. My husband drank excessively and occassionally used drugs still. We fought like crazy and were terrible examples for our kids. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. My husband moved out, we sold the house, filed bankruptcy and began divorce proceedings.

Then my husband was witnessed to at work. In the midst of his life slipping away, Jesus caught him. He tried to witness to me but I was so bitter and hard hearted that I felt threatened by his new found faith. And then I lost my job. My husband stepped in and told me if I would give him one more chance he promised he would take care of me. Reluctantly, I accepted. We got back together. Then one night while I was working a young man studying to be a pastor began talking to me about God. At first I dismissed him as a nut case but he was a really likeable guy and very real. Before long his constant talk about God made me pretty curious. It was these words that hooked me, "You know how God loves us?" No, I didn't know.

Night after night he talked and talked about what he was learning at Bible college, how it was impacting his relationships, etc. I was basically his sounding board. But I was amazed by his unwavering faith. I began studying the word, listening to Moody radio, looking things up on the internet, etc. By November, 2000, I was saved.

With my husband and I both saved we wanted to begin our marriage again, differently. We understood how important having Jesus as the center of our marriage was in order for us to have a solid marriage. And we started life all over again. We had no money and three kids.

During this time my husband felt he needed to return to school so that he would be able to get a better job and be able to provide for his family. I, on the other hand, began studying homesteading and self-sufficient living. Being in the vulnerable state of having to depend on God because there was nothing else brought so much joy to me. Why? Because God never let me down. Ever. Even when we had only a couple of dollars and ten days to payday, our needs were always met. If we needed something we couldn't afford, God always provided it somehow. I can't say being poor made me happy--depending on God made me happy. I was uncertain about moving into a new level of "earning power".

But soon enough my husband finished school and increased his salary and enabled us to live in a way we hadn't dreamed we ever would. But he was very unhappy. I never understood this. Being a woman I imagine I never will. But he reached his goal...he set out to do something and he did it. He was a good provider for us like he wanted to be. But he was like a hollow person the whole time.

After a while our relationship wasn't as good. We fought a lot. I wanted to be supportive but I didn't know what to support. He hated his job and it was slowly draining the life out of him. His faith was suffering and he was impatient and frustrated all of the time. We made some changes. We bought a bigger house and took on a lot more financial obligations.

Last week when my husband lost his job I was relieved. To me, it was another chance at "doing it right". I know God will provide for us. He never lets me down. Ever. This is our chance to break away and get back to basics. We can center our lives around Christ and live for His purpose instead of our own. This is our chance to be real. And that is what I want more than anything money could buy.

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Apr. 7, 2008 - What are we thinking?

My husband just left for an interview this morning. He looked sharp, dressed in his shirt and tie and nice pants. He was clean shaven and a handsome picture. But he said he wasn't feeling really sharp and instead had an unusually agitated feeling about the interview. "It's just more of the same thing."

I'm excited about the interview on one hand because it is a chance at staying on course and not disrupting "the plan" we set out on a year ago. We set out for a stable, dependable life for our kids putting our "dreams" on hold until they are on their own. It is a fairly new plan, devised out of the inability to make our dream come true.

But there is an unsettling inside of me too. Like my husband, I have ~~thoroughly~~ THOROUGHLY enjoyed all of the time we have had as a family. We haven't had the stress of a demanding job lingering over us, pushing us along and keeping us from meaningful conversation and time. We have had time to fall in love again and reconnect and remember how it used to be. But you can't live without a job...

We were down on our land this weekend. The field is green. The meadow is full of life again. The earth smelled sweet and the country air was reviving. We opened the rotted windows, cleaned out the cobwebs, wiped down the walls, swept away all of the dead bugs, decluttered, sanitized and aired out the old house. We met the neighbors across the street and another lady from the church down the road. We are sore today from moving brush piles and all of the old junk out of the house. But it is a good feeling. That's what we want. That's our dream.

Going back into the rat race, putting on a tie and talking the talk is not what my husband wants to do today. It's not what I want him to do. But what do we do?

Apr. 2, 2008 - opportunity for healing

What an opportunity God has presented our family! We finally have a chance to reconnect and get back on track around here. Something sorely overdue!

This morning we had a great Bible study and prayer as a family. It has been so long since we have put God first in the day before anything else as a family. We're going to the zoo this afternoon. After that we're going to drop our daughter off at her friends house for a sleepover and then go to church again.

We haven't been to church in some time. We have been battling all of our "stinkin' thinkin'" (to quote Joyce Meyer) and are finally ready to submit our will to God on the church thing. Praise the Lord! One step at a time....

Apr. 1, 2008 - Security

I found myself living in two week increments...paycheck to paycheck. What happened in our lives was determined by how much would be left over after paying the bills. Sometimes there was enough to go out to eat. Sometimes a trip to the museum. Many times there was enough for a new book or two, some cool curriculum or teaching aides, or a DVD the kids wanted. My husband was never happy. Truthfully, I just plugged away not knowing any better. I prayed for my husband...things like, God, please give him strength. Please comfort him and keep him in your will. Bring him no harm...

Then, Friday (last), he came home at noon. He lost his job. Company restructuring. It wasn't a big surprise that it happened but we weren't prepared. We took the news as a blessing. He wasn't happy there anyway and the job really seemed to take up a lot of his time and energy leaving him with very little for us. Saturday we celebrated our anniversary (belated) and went out to the woods and for the first time in a long time, we felt liberated. We no longer had to depend on a job!!!!

Yesterday I was balancing the checkbook and realizing the money wasn't going to last long. Instinctually, I looked ahead to the next payday and realized there is only one more. After that, there are no more paydays that we know of. No more paydays. Wow. Now we rely on God.

It is amazing how easily I will depend on money or a job but how hard it is to rely on God when there is money and a job. Now there is only God.

Mar. 28, 2008 - Waking Up

I seem to have fallen asleep somewhere between November and this week. It seems a little peculiar that I am just now realizing how bland life has been around here on the account of my boredom. Here's the thing...I hate school. I don't like "doing school". I have disliked school since the third grade. I don't like monotony. I don't like repititive lessons and drills. I don't like to read boring books or be tested. I would rather experiment and learn my own lessons than have someone tell me something before I do it. And my kids are a lot like me. So why haven't I just allowed that to occur more naturally?

My oldest son has always been very challenging for me. Ever since he was born he has had the inclination to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. For instance, he would rather read ALL DAY than pick up a pencil to write (other than in his journal). I have been feeling like I should require him to write a report or essay often about this or that just to help him with his writing skills. But this makes him furious. He thinks it is a waste of his time. He is a great orator. His comprehension blows me away and he can narrate back to me, practically word for word, several chapters of what he reads in one sitting. His vocabulary is very good and even stumps me sometimes. In fact, I find myself asking him what something means sometimes. So why do I think he needs to write a report or an essay? He thinks I am being ridiculous because clearly he understands and grasps everything he is learning.

So I ask myself: What am I trying to accomplish? What are the real goals...not for me, but for the kids. All too often in the past I have concentrated on what I want to see happen around here...what I want to accomplish with the kids, what I think is best. But I think I have been missing the boat. This is not about me. This is about them and how they learn. So why do I keep boxing them in with my limited vision?

My husband and I recently read A Thomas Jefferson Education and totally agree with everything in that book. But when I look at how my kids are being educated at home, I wonder, is this the best they can get? I have been a bored mom...bored with "doing school" and absolutely NOT enthusiastic about anything lately.

While my family was sick this week (and then me too), I observed some things about us. One, I don't need to pound learning into my kids heads. They do that on their own. The way they play, the things they talk about and the things that they choose to do on their own amaze me. My daughter started a "club" in the neighborhood called A.R.L.P.C. which stands for Animal Rescue and Litter Patrol Club. Everyday she and her girlfriends go around the neighborhood with bags and pick up trash and look for signs of sick or stranded animals. (They found a dead mouse). She wants to set an example for the people around here who don't always take the time to pick up their garbage that ends up in our ponds and landscaped areas as well as the natural areas where wildlife lives. She even started a newsletter that she wants to hand out to encourage neighbors to help keep things clean. She also wrote a journal of a slave girl using what she learned about the Code Noir when studying Indiana History with her dad recently. No one stood over her barking at her to do this...she chose to on her own. And my second son has been so intrigued with Ivanhoe this week that he has been talking about it non-stop, begging to learn about more books he can read like it. He has been taking it upon himself to learn about the continents and geography, studying the world atlas and his globe. All three of my older kids have been enamored with the Almanac this week, learning all kinds of interesting facts about the economy, population statistics and so on.

So with all of that, I am interseted in finding ways to encourage them in their individual interests. Since my daughter is interested in helping the environment and the wildlife around her, I have decided to find more ways for her to get involved with conservation. Since my second son is so interested in geography, maps and learning about other cultures I have decided to allow him to put more emphasis on that area than forcing him to read things that don't interest him right now. And I have decided to back off my older son a bit and let him discuss with me (and actually pay close attention to what he says) the things he is reading and learning instead of ask for a report that I can read later. And I look forward to modeling for them an enthusiasm for what they are learning and not try to force feed them what I think they should be learning.

Mar. 26, 2008 - sick : (

There is no way to paint a pretty picture of the condition we have been living in for the past week. Since last Friday we have been dealing with the intestinal flu. It began with my daughter about midnight last Friday and has continued through this morning. Everyone except for me has had it which has made me the lucky orderly and nurse.

The good news: My carpet has been steam cleaned. The upholstery on our couch has been shampooed. All of the sheets and linens have been cleaned (more than once). The bathrooms have been disinfected a dozen times and everything has been wiped down and mopped clean. So I am ahead on my spring cleaning! A little behind on my laundry...but ahead in other places. Now I am off to the dry cleaners to have our bedspread cleaned.

Mar. 18, 2008 - Bud Alert!!!

Pulling into my driveway yesterday I noticed something I have not seen in quite sometime...We have buds!!! Both our Bradford Pear trees are speckled with beautiful, maroon colored buds all over their spindly little branches. Woo-Hoo! Spring is coming!!!!!

Mar. 17, 2008 - Open Minded

Lately I have been a little too reflective about everything. While spinning around in my thoughts and becoming dizzy, I have to stop and post my opinion on "open mindedness". Apparently, there is a group of people in this world who think they know what is best for everyone that call themselves "open minded" and "liberal". I have to laugh at them because I used to be one of "them".

Yes, it's true. I used to run around believing I knew what was best for everyone else based on half-thought ideals. I can't claim to ever have been a true liberal, but I definitely thought I was a "progressive thinker". I was all about saving the environment, freeing Tibet, freeing my mind, stopping the injustices of the world, yadayadayada.... And Christianity was a man-driven religion meant to cram a woman into a tiny box where she wasn't allowed to speak, control an entire society and oppress millions.

Now I'm on the other side. I'm a woman, living outside of the box, freely expressing my love for Jesus Christ and feeling freer than I ever felt before. The lies we'll believe...what a shame. I have been liberated from my closed-minded thinking.

But I am not writing this post because I want to share my personal transition, but because I feel great compassion for all those "progressive thinkers" that are in bondage by their hate for Christians. They have aligned themselves with false thinking and believe they are open minded by not living by a "religious doctrine". This thinking is generated by a fear of having to "change". Kind of the same reason people want abortion to remain a choice. Because becoming a parent requires "change".

Being a Christian isn't about being force fed a belief system, or having to live within a box, never coloring outside of the lines and always walking a straight and narrow path. God gave us the ability to choose for ourselves between right and wrong. Christianity simply states there are consequences for both and there is forgiveness when we admit we are wrong. It's about knowing that Jesus Christ carried your burdens to the cross so that you no longer have to drag your iniquities around with you. And with that there is growth so that we are equipped in life to handle all of the rest.

Well, I don't know if anyone stuck in the bondage of hating Christians will read this post, but I hope that those who feel led will pray for the people that haven't been won over to the cross. And I pray that the people still in the bondage of hate have a loving example in their lives that can shine a bright enough light on the lies they are believing.