Apr. 25, 2008 - I've got it all wrong
For years I have held onto a vision of what I think it looks like to be a Christian. This morning I learned that this vision is something I created and is not something God revealed to me. And that I have been trying to be more like this vision, flailing around and struggling because it is not for me.
A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. It was one of those nights where as soon as I was conscious again, I became undulated with worry. I didn't want to worry and I tried all sorts of things to keep my mind from thinking. I tried counting. I tried repeating the alphabet. I tried naming states and capitals. But my mind just kept wandering back to worry. Since I wasn't able to sleep, I went downstairs so I wouldn't wake anyone. I lay on the couch and submitted to worry and simultaneously begged God to take it away. Before I knew it I was crying. I had put so much weight up against the floodgates trying to keep from falling apart and "losing faith" that I had become weak and could no longer hold anything back. I was screaming at God. I was angry. I was confused.
In all of my releasing, I heard a small voice that said, "You are Christine, follower of Christ. Your name is not a mistake." I stopped crying to ponder the thought, wondering why I had it and wondering what it meant. Before long I had fallen asleep again.
It wasn't until this morning that it dawned on me why I had that thought. I have been trying to be someone else...I have been trying to fit into a mold that I believe is "Christian" based on comparisons with other Christians. And I haven't fit that mold very well at all. All of my actions have been of my own accord. I have been forcing changes on myself and my family because it is what I think I need to do to "make the cut". But the thing is, these changes have made me less authentic than ever. No wonder I struggle!
Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. 1 Corinthians 7:17
God never asked me to be someone else. He called me, Christine, when I was weak and lowly. I was nothing to brag about. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1 Corinthians 1:26-29
My husband and I have come into humble circumstances once again. You could say we're almost back to where we started when we first began our journey as Christians in a lot of ways. In our fear we have tried to walk a tightrope, using up all of our energy to try not to fail. We have been guarded. I don't know where we will go from here, but I am going as Christine...follower of Christ. My name is not a mistake.
Comments
Apr. 25, 2008 - WOW!
Posted by thekrazyklodhoppers
oh Christine, I would throw my arms around you and squeeze you if I could. How much I identify with what you have written.
I am so glad that God spoke to you though and that you have heard His voice. He will not forsake you or your DH. He will be faithful to complete His work in you.
I too have tried to be something I wasn't meant to be and it has hurt those I love and also made me miserable.
Praise God He doesn't leave us in this place. He will not only want us to walk as we were named but to walk as He has named us, HIS OWN! He has forgiven you, he has always loved you and He will help you. Is. 41 look at all the "I will" in there. He will.
Peace be unto to you.
Apr. 25, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by sixfolks
Christine,
What a wonderful entry. That is a revelation we could all ponder. I can relate to what you are saying about trying to fit a mold. On the other side of that, I have been guilty of thinking that others should fit into my mold as well. What will the Potter mold us into?
Corey
