In November and December, some things happened that caused me to think that maybe it was the right time for me to investigate participating in the church praise team. After some inner turmoil and prayer, a few things happened that made me feel confident in pursuing this. After attending rehearsals for nearly 4 months, I'm in the line-up Sunday.
The thing is, I haven't participated on a praise team since I was pg with Muffin, and she's almost 12. So I've got a little anxiety going on. And now the dreams have begun.
Many people have dreams about finding themselves in a class ready to take a final when they realize they've never attended the class and feeling awash in panic. I've always thought of this dream as an indicator of some kind of performance anxiety going on.
Nerd that I am, my performance anxiety dream generally takes a different direction. I have band dreams. Yes, high school band dreams. I clearly remember that the week I was defending my master's thesis, I had several of them. One in particular has been captured in my memory. I dreamed it was the state marching championship and we were on the field in the finals and I didn't know the show. I knew the music, but I didn't know the show. I had no clue where to go. Eddie (an actual person I marched beside for at least 2 of my 3 years in high school) kept trying to shout directions at me as I swerved and twisted around the field.
And even now, when I come to some occasion that involves me putting myself out of my comfort zone, the band dreams come. I had some before the birth of each child. And now, following the Wednesday night rehearsal leading up to Sunday, the band dreams have begun.
So here I am, apparently perpetually stuck in high school and with a great need to get over myself. It's been a challenge for me to not just give up on the idea of participating (read: hard not to lose my nerve), but every time I've thought maybe I should just skip it because they don't need me anyway (there's already several altos in the rotation), the verse about putting your hand to the plough and turning back has been brought to mind. (A hard verse from a hard passage, IMO). And then lo and behold, the text for the last two Sundays was from that passage. He actually didn't really hit that particular verse so much, but just when I was again getting ready to withdraw from something that would make me extend, I was sitting there in the service and he announced the text. I turn there, and of course that verse, at the bottom of page in red letters, jumped at me.
Thus into the breach I go. Off to ignore and walk past the adolescent anxieties (I'm not good enough. I'm too fat to stand in front of people. People shouldn't have to look at my face when they come into church.) that I've submitted to for the last 3 years of so of my life and into submitting to a spirit of worship that recognizes that not only is it not all about me, but really none of it is about me. So maybe it's not really into the breach, but onto the bridge of personal and corporate worship that provides a taste of how the Bride should sing love songs to the Bridegroom.
"We will praise thy holy Name forever; we will laud and magnify thy Name forevermore."
Comments
May. 5, 2009 - Untitled Comment
Posted by shonda
Good for you!
I have several stress dreams. One is that I can't remember my locker comination in high school. The other is that I can't figure out how to work the cash register in the children's boutique I managed in my 20's. Another weird one I have is that I am eating really gross sushi! Really!