I'm the first to admit it.  I'm terribly inconsistent when it comes to blogging.  I looked at my last entry - April 20th!  That's bad...

Spring is a crazy time.  Things go nuts in the air conditioning world as it starts getting hot, kids activities really pick up (more about that in a minute), and Marybeth starts her spring/summer/fall speaking schedule with Proverbs and is gone many weekends.  We're thinking of selling our house which means cleaning and painting and fixing all those little things that I've put off.  It’s nuts!

Ok, speaking of kids stuff, the whole family gets excited about this.  May 1st means it's time for SWIM TEAM.  It's an awesome thing for a few reasons.  One, the whole family participates from my 14 year down to our five year old.  Their practice times are a bit different, but basically every evening, all eight of us are on the same schedule doing the same thing.  And the swim meets are fun because we all are together and cheering for each other.  I have to admit that it's one of those times that I step back and watch my kids having fun and encouraging each other and feel very blessed and undeserving. 

Another neat thing about them swimming is that the team itself is like a big family.  Most of the kids have grown up together and we've had the same coach for years.  And he's great.  He really pushes the kids to achieve more of themselves then they think possible.  And it shows every season.  Last year they went 7 and 0 and won the city championship.  I try not to push to hard, but I think it's important to have my kids doing things as a family, and also have them in situations where someone helps form their character and teaches them to be winners. 

Let the fun begin!

Oh, and by the way.  Have you tried the Chick-fil-A mint cookies and cream milkshake?  I think it's one of the best shakes I've ever had.  I told Marybeth it's like Jesus came back and brought a milkshake.  (Can I say that???)

This…. has been a tough week. 

On Monday my wife got so sick that I had to stay home from work.  Being the great dad that I am, I took our younger five to Chick-fil-A for lunch.  Ever been thrown up on at Chick-fil-A?  I have.  (Twice now actually.)  Yes, our 1 ½ year old got the same thing mommy got and decided to puke on me in the middle of the restaurant.  (I think it freaked one ‘good ole boy’ out so bad that he’ll never have kids.) 

So that was fun.  And the sickness has lingered with mom and baby most of the week. 

On Tuesday, our 10 year old woke up with a cough that would wake the dead. 

On Wednesday, a horrible rainstorm came through and soaked the wall under the upstairs bathroom window.  (At some point a child opened the storm window.) There’s a huge unrepairable bubble in the wallpaper. 

Then there’s this ongoing problem involving a close relative and my wife that’s reared it’s ugly head.  A big ‘ole white elephant in the room.  But this person isn’t ignoring it, they’re letting it in and feeding it peanuts to keep it around.  Drives me bonkers. 

So I haven’t been feeling real chipper.  Been feeling sort of discouraged to be honest.  But then yesterday I ran into a friend that my wife and I know. 

She and her husband have seven kids.  Four of their own and three that they’ve adopted from Liberia.  Two little toddlers and one teenage girl.  They took the teenage girl after another family who had had her a year decided that it “wasn’t working out.”  Six months ago our friend was diagnosed with cancer.  But yesterday when I saw her, she was happy and her smile was warm and real. 

She inspired me and reminded me of something beautiful and bigger then the day to day drudgery of life.  And I started thinking of others…

Like the dad I know who’s teaching his son sign language because his son is slowly going deaf.  You my friend, are a hero. 

And my buddy who showed up at church on Easter with his wife and three daughters.  I know the demons you fight everyday… and the anger you still direct towards God… and how you have sworn off “church” and “church people.”  Knowing that you still fight the battle in spite of those things encourages me. 

There’s the old man in Starbucks in Asheville who showed me pictures of his great grand-daughters who were adopted from China.  You told me how much you loved them.  As much as your other biological grandchildren.  And you were being truthful.  I could see it in your eyes.  You reminded me how equally loved we all are by God. 

There’s the group of guys I’ve gotten to know who’re following a dream and working hard and realizing success.  You guys are an inspiration to be around and help me find the strength to fight through another week. 

And my friend the doc.  You’ve devoted your life to helping and healing the wounded among us.  Do you know how many men would drop everything if you needed help?  Thank you for piercing me.

Saving the best for last… my wife struggling with the daily challenge of raising six children and juggling so many things that have to be done.  You make sure we all have clean clothes and a stocked pantry and good meals and a clean house and… I’m getting tired just thinking about all you do. 

The hardest part of my life is having to live most of the day isolated from the ones I care about and who know the ‘heart’ part of me.  I go off to my job and spend most of my day surrounded by people and talking to customers.  But it’s all business.  And then I get home and there’s kids stuff that has to get done.  Before I know it, the day’s gone and I wake up to start all over again.  I want connection and I want fellowship and miss my Christian brothers (desperately at times.) 

But life must be lived.  So I hold on to these memories of people I call brothers and sisters and turn back towards the challenges that God is using to help me grow.  Thank you for the reminder that we’re all doing this together.  We’re all living this life.  All walking it out.  All doing the hard work that must be done as we travel down the narrow road to make our way home. 

My wife and I have gotten stared at for 15 years of marriage.  From walking around the NCSU campus married and pregnant (we just thought that's what married people did!), to having our second, third, forth, fifth, and sixth kid, it seems that we draw people's attention. 

Actually at times it can be quite funny.  We used to have a Ford Windstar so old that it only had the one side door.  I would watch people in parking lots who were staring as our five kids (at the time) were getting out.  You could see them counting our kids one-by-one like it was the clown car at the circus and they couldn't believe how many kids we had stuffed in there!  Their eyes would get wider and wider.  The "clown car" is now an inside joke between my wife and I. 

But some of the comments aren't so funny.  I get tired of the "are you Catholic?" or "don't you know what causes that?" we hear on a regular basis.  Voddie Baucham talks about the mother who's walks into church and has people stare disapprovingly.  Sad to say (especially in church) but it happens.  We've gotten some of those stares at churches we've visited. 

I will smile and agree with the people who laugh with us and call us crazy.  It is crazy - in a fun sort of way.  And I thank the people who do nice things for us.  Like Greg at Chick-fil-A who smiles and brings my kids a special ice cream treat.  (You da man!  I love visiting Mayberry.)  But there are also many days when my wife and I get weary and discouraged trying to juggle six kids. 

All that said, I'll tell you why my wife and I have a lot of children. 

A century ago, large families were needed to work the farms.  Most familes were agricultural and the parents needed the children to help work the fields.  Check this out.  Today we're no different.  We still have fields to work.  Except the fields today are the fields Jesus talks about.  My wife and I want to send out many laborers into the "fields" of people in this world.  We hope that we can raise a family who does our part to transform our culture.  She and I felt that calling from the day we got married and have tried to live in obedience.  (Definitely not perfectly because we're imperfect people.  I have made many mistakes along the way.)

It's tiring and I can easily grow discouraged.  (Example, this morning my 14 year yelled at me telling me that he hated me.  I made him get up to fullfill something that he begged me to let him sign up for.)   But late at night when I'm making my way to bed and I'm upstairs looking in on and praying for six sleeping kids, all seems right with the world.  And nothing could bring me more joy. 

And yes, I do know what causes that.  It's the best part!

There’s a short verse in the fifth chapter of Mark that I carry with me everyday. 

Jesus is approached by a father whose daughter is deathly ill.  He wants Jesus to come to his home to heal his little girl.  The father is filled with grief, falling at Jesus’ feet and pleading “fervently” with him to come. 

We've all faced desperate situations.  Eight years ago, I was standing in the doorframe of a hospital room watching doctors and nurses trying to help my ten year old son, then two.  He couldn’t breathe and they couldn’t get him stabilized.  I stood there and begged God to reach down and touch my son's throat.  This New Testament father was no different.  Faced with a hopeless situation, he came to Christ for help.  But as they were walking back to his home, he hears the worst.  A servant approaches to tell him that his daughter has died. 

In our darkest moments, hope can break through.  Jesus grabs this heartbroken father's shoulders, looks him in the eyes, and speaks into his soul.

“Don’t be afraid.  Just believe.”

I go to that verse a lot.  When my teenage son acts like he hates me and wants nothing to do with his family, don’t be afraid, just believe.  When my wife and I aren't getting along and are fighting over stupid little things, don’t be afraid, just believe.  When my office’s sales have dipped and my general manager calls me in for a meeting, don’t be afraid, just believe.  When the bills have stacked up, things are breaking down, and I’m struggling with staying current, don’t be afraid, just believe.  When everything seems to be going wrong and I feel alone.

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.” 

It’s not easy for me to follow that instruction.  My mind goes in 1,000 different directions and I worry about many things.  I want to wrap my arms around my wife and children and protect them from harm.  I want my teenage son to find success as he begins to make his way in a tough world.  I want to bring the big purchase orders and best accounts back to my company and propel us to excellence.  But somewhere along the way, I’ve lost the innocence and eternal optimism of youth.  I have watched good people, good men, good families get devastated by life.  I learned how little control I really have. 

And at times I get scared. 

But Christ’s words burn in my mind.  I grab them and hold them close to my heart.  Over and over again, I hear Him saying these words of comfort, hope, and protection.

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.”

Maybe it’s the curse of the prodigal as he tries to find his way home down unfamiliar and alien roads.  Stumbling along trying to get away from all that would steal his soul and destroy him.  I understand his fears.  I am him.  Afraid of the man inside.  Running away from the past.  Trying to get home. 

Today our church had our 2^nd annual Easter egg drop.  It’s an event with a carnival atmosphere designed to draw in people from the surrounding community.  There’s popcorn, cotton candy, face painting, and six or seven of the blow-up jumping things for kids.  The grand finale was 5,000 plastic Easter eggs with prizes inside ranging from candy to coupons for iPods and a few Play Stations.  It was freezing cold and the wind cut through you, but the whole thing was a blast. 

I went early this morning to volunteer and was asked to set up the blow up jumping stations.  Most of what I did was pound big steel tent spikes into the ground to hold the jump stations in place.  The metallic ‘clang of the mallet against the spike would ring in my ears over, and over, and over.  Maybe it’s because being around these people at church brings God close, maybe because tomorrow is Easter, but after a blister on my hand popped and started to bleed, I started thinking of Jesus on the cross.  It was as if I was watching myself from a distance.  But it wasn’t me.  I was watching a Roman soldier kneeling on the ground swinging his mallet, and with each “clang,” another spike was driven into Christ.  Each swing of the mallet represented another memory of my past that helped nail Jesus to the cross.   My hands ached and burned in the cold and I thought of his pain and suffering. 

What bothered me even more was picturing Jesus lying there willingly.  Sacrificially.  Looking at me.  I could hear him telling me that it’s ok.  That it’s something we had to do.  To drive the spikes in.  To take my old life – my struggles and pains and addictions – and drive them into him, to attach them to him, one swing at a time.   

And a God that loves you that much doesn’t let you walk alone.  He’s with me on the road, keeping watch during those dark nights, protecting me.  Whispering to me from His Word, comforting me.  Helping me up with I stumble in the dark.  Holding me when I’m weak and unable to take another step.  Carrying my burdens when the weight of life is crushing my spirit. 

I don't deserve any of it.  Thank You for Easter and for empty tombs and for restored hearts.  I think of You, bow my head, and slowly make my way...

I am free to run... I am free to dance... I am free to live for you... I am free...

Does death bother you?  I have to admit – it’s extremely difficult for me to think about.  The loss of someone close to me would be unbearably painful.  A few years ago, a friend of mine lost his wife to cancer and I remember wondering how he was managing to even breath, much less taking care of the “life” that was continuing to go on around him.

A week ago I was eating lunch at Chick-fil-A when my wife called.  A guy that I cared a lot about had died in his sleep the night before due to complications with diabetes.  Adam was 29. 

I thought of Adam as a younger brother.  When I met him four years ago, he was a few years out of college, recently married, and beginning his life.  We both played acoustic guitar for the praise team at church which meant my kids got to know him as well.  And he was great with them, always joking around, making them laugh, even giving my 10 year old a ride on his motorcycle one night in the church parking lot after practice.  Adam was like that.  Always thinking of and serving others.  He was wired that way.  My family went to his graduation ceremony when he became a police officer and I remember the look of awe that my kids had for him in his new uniform with all the “cool” things that a police officer carries. 

So this past week has been hard.  I've been thinking about Adam a lot.  And death.  And how emotionally difficult it is when we lose someone we care about.  I'm not one that can put a smile on and say that they're in a better place.  I grieve over them and miss them.  It hurts.  And I immediately think of all the things I wish I’d done to get to know Adam even better.  I could have spent a few more mornings over coffee talking with him about life. 

What becomes glaringly obvious to me is that life is about relationships.  It’s not about having more money or a better business or saying you have a lot of friends.  It’s about our relationship with the people in our lives.  It’s about being real with others.  It’s about me being a servant to my wife and kids.  It’s about me helping my friends when life becomes hard.  It’s about me taking the time to listen when other people need to talk.  It’s about sharing my faith with those around me who need to hear about a life in Christ.  It’s about me thinking more about our eternal destiny then about life today.  It’s about me giving and giving and giving and giving, not taking. 

You hear people say that you “can’t take it with you to Heaven.”  That “you come into the world with nothing and that you leave with nothing.”  They’re wrong.  You can take your family and you can take your friends if you make the time in this life building relationships with them and sharing Christ with them and being real with them.

So it's with these thoughts that I say "goodbye" Adam.  Thank you for all you did and for showing us these things with the way you lived your life.  I'll always remember your heart for others.  And that friendly smile.  You will be missed. 

I had a good day yesterday. 

First, my family got to go to church.  That’s right.  I got to.  I live in a country where I can make that choice if I want to make it.  No one can stop me from worshiping God.  I can’t imagine being in a country where I might have to watch someone drag away my wife and children because they claim the name of Christ. 

Do we take that for granted?  I know I do at times.  And while we argue back and forth over style and meaningless, pointless things (I’m just as guilty,) many of our brothers and sisters worldwide are regularly beaten and killed.  I wonder what a father from Korea would say to us here in America after he’s been jailed and beaten and separated from his family for preaching the gospel. 

Those were random thoughts I was having as I watched my four younger children go smiling and laughing into their classes and then sat in worship with my wife and two older kids. 

I think it's worth repeating.  I got to go to church. 

Anyway… continuing… later that evening something happened that sort of freaked me out.  My wife and I took our 14 year old son and his… girlfriend… I can barely say it… out on a “date.”

It was sort of unplanned.  My wife and I volunteered to work the Holt International booth at a Christian concert in Charlotte last night.  Holt is a worldwide adoption agency and works to get orphaned children sponsored by people for $30 a month.   Bands like Hawk Nelson, Steven Curtis Chapman and Jeremy Camp were playing at the event.  So my wife and I thought it would be nice to give my son and his friend a chance to hang out and for my wife and I to spend a bit of time getting to know her. 

By the way, not that it really matters, but when did I turn into an almost 40, glasses wearing, minivan driving dad who’s taking his 14 year old son and girlfriend out on a date??? 

“Dear God, help me not feel old.”

We all had a good time and I saw my son in a way that somehow I’ve not noticed before.  I could tell that he really cares about his friend and it struck me that I’m about to enter a new phase of fatherhood.  Hopefully, if he lets me stay involved, I’ll be mentoring a young man as he begins planning his adult life.

There was one bad part of the night.  I shed a few tears looking through the children’s’ information packets on the Holt International table.  You would too if you had seen them.  Holt knows how to get you – a close up picture of each child is on the cover of their packet.  Near the end of the night people were no longer coming to the table to sign up to host a child.  And there were hundreds left.  Maybe it’s because I'm a father to young children, but all the sad, hungry faces that were left got to me.  And I’ll have to admit that I felt a bit discouraged too.  10,000 Christians were rocking out praising Jesus while a couple hundred kids were left uncared for. 

I know we get hit from all sides for worthy causes.  And money is tight.  But the next time you get frustrated in your walk or discouraged with life or angry about something your church is doing or the preacher said, go to the Holt International website.  Or Compassion International. (Thanks for the help with the link!)  Look at the faces of the kids.  Praise God for the life we have and the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of so many others.  Forget about the meaningless dribble.  Help a child. 

I’ve found that the best way to get out of a rut when I’m feeling down is to lift someone else up. 

I’m a bit weird.  I listen to an hour of Dave Ramsey’s podcast every morning on the way to work.  He has a nationally syndicated call in talk radio show and makes the 1^st hour of every show available for a free download.  I’ve found that listening to it regularly helps me “exercise” the financial part of my brain and keeps me intensely focused on doing the right things with money.  Trust me, I need it. 

I thought of something this morning as I listened.  I realized that there’s a consistent pattern to the phone calls Dave gets.  He generally gets two types of calls.  There are people who have gotten into a serious situation with debt, and there are people who call in who’ve paid off all their debt (except for the house – that goes into a different category.)  Dave calls it being “DEBT FREE!!!!!!!!!” 

What I noticed was that it’s the wives who are calling in when there are problems, but couples who are calling in to share the good news of being debt free. 

I’ve found this same pattern with couples that I’ve counseled.  Most of the time, if there are financial problems in the home, you can work back through a timeline and point to one of two things.  The first possibility was that the husband mentally checked out of the financial “stuff.”  Instead of being a leader and helping his wife by working as a team, he left her all alone trying to manage the home’s finances. 

The other possibility (and this was my downfall) was that the husband took complete control of the finances.  Even if this is done with the best possible intentions, he’s going to make some serious financial mistakes because he wasn’t working with his wife and listening to her thoughts and ideas about money (which are VERY valuable, trust me.)

Within a few years, either of these scenarios could possibly lead to some serious financial problems. 

What I’ve learned is that I had to involve my wife in the budget process.  I had to listen, value, and act on her opinions about things we needed to do financially.  I had to work with my wife to develop a plan to get out of debt.  We continue to have to work together and stick to that plan.  Any time we stop doing these things (old habits creep back in) we quit “winning” with money. 

Last thought.  Here’s A good place for a couple to start.  Get Dave Ramsey’s “The Total Money Makeover” and read through it together.  It can be a life changing experience. 

I knew this day would come.  It’s so predictable that it’s almost funny.  Almost.  Here I was thinking that I was all big and bad and brave for telling others about a certain level of financial success my wife and I have had recently.  (Not really, but it is both cool and humbling to get to share how using Biblical principles has helped my wife and I financially.) 

This is what I mean by predictable.  I’ve found that any time I’ve worked my way to a certain level of “achievement” (whatever that means) that I’m pretty quickly tested in that area.  Call it “Murphy” or call it “life happening.”

Anyway, my company is switching from one company credit card to another and in the process I’ve found that I’ll have $600 tied up for 45 days.  Not fun and not expected. 

But there’s a lesson here about ‘hope.’ 

I’m trying to teach myself that no matter what bad thing seems to happen or how difficult life seems to have become, I can choose to be positive.  To be hopeful.  I can get out of bed every morning and remind myself of the blessings in my life (and the blessing of my life.)   I can prepare my heart to work through challenges that will come my way.  Because they will come.  And I can choose to smile and be positive and even encourage others.

I’m not saying this comes easy for me.  (My wife will give an ‘amen’ to that.)  But what I’m learning is that I live with a “blessed hope.”  This isn’t just a hope for a better eternity.  It’s being hope-filled every day because I have a Father fighting for me and encouraging me and helping me with the “missing $600” parts of my life.  I never have to worry about being fatherless or abandoned.  Somehow God will provide what we need to live whether it takes 3 days or 45 days to get the money returned. 

I learned something today.

One of my struggles is a tendency to always say “no” to a new idea or to pick an idea apart and give all the reasons why it won’t work.  For years now, I’ve been retraining myself to be more proactive.  Instead of saying “I/we can’t,” I’m trying to say, “This is an important thing for us to do to become more successful.  How can we make it happen?” 

I’m worse about this at home – especially if there is a cost to it.  My wife has unfortunately come to expect me to say “no” automatically if there is a price. 

Today she sent me something to do with homeschooling our kids that was pretty expensive.  Typically in the past I would have read it, found the part where the cost was printed, and gotten a bit upset. 

The voice in my head goes something like this.  “We’re working a budget aren’t we?  This doesn’t fit.  Doesn’t she understand how important it is to me to get our debts paid off?  Why is she always adding this kind of pressure?”

Today it struck me how unfaithful that attitude is.  Don’t I claim to believe in a God who wants the best for me?  Don’t I claim to have a strong faith?

I think I need more work on changing my perspective.  I should see this through her eyes.  She works hard to teach our younger five children.  I get overwhelmed just at the thought of trading places with her.  I should listen to what her heart is trying to tell me.  I should be more faithful and trusting in the God who wants the best for her.  Maybe instead of saying “no” and shutting God out I should get out of the way and give God the chance to provide the money we’ll need. 

How about you?  Do you believe in the God who will fight for your best and pull through for you or do you believe in the god of “no?” 

I’m mixing up holidays today.  This morning when I got online to balance our checkbook, I saw that the big check I wrote to pay off our student loan had cleared.  This is a big deal. 

Can I tell you why?

Ten years ago my wife and I had so much debt that we couldn't eat.  Neither one of us had ever been taught about budgeting or had any Biblical appreciation for handling money.  We did what we had seen and what our culture taught us.  We had a student loan, we owed the IRS $10,000, owed tens of thousands of dollars for all of Matthew's medical bills, owed on two cars, had a line of credit, and at least two credit cards.  I shudder now even typing it all out. 

I remember the hopelessness of our situation.  We had spiraled out of control.  My wife had heard of the United Way’s financial counseling service, so I gave it a shot.  But when I went for a consultation, the woman there looked at my budget for a few minutes and then said these encouraging words.  "I have no idea how I can help you."  I left her office, got in my car, and just sat there feeling like a complete failure.  I didn’t know what to do or where to go. 

Then God intervened. 

A few weeks after my visit to the United Way, my wife and I received a certified letter in the mail from an attorney representing one of the medical companies we owed money to.  The letter stated that if we didn't pay them $2,500 we were going to be taken to court.   A few days after getting it, I was in such a state of despair that I left work and went home.  I sat in our empty home that afternoon and just prayed.  I wasn't close to God at the time.  Not at all.  But I asked Him to help me. 

The very next day a letter from my Grandmother’s brother in Erie, PA arrived.  He had recently sold his home and wanted to give us some of the equity to help with our medical bills.  The enclosed check was for $2,500.  Freaky coincidence?  I don’t believe in those any more.  God helped save my family from something that would have finally broken us.  I’m not saying that God will always come through the way we want Him to.  I don’t understand why some prayers are specifically answered and some aren’t.  And nothing like that has ever happened to me again.  But for the first time in my life, I realized there was a part of God’s character that I had never known.  The God I met that day was a loving, gentle father who listened to my cries, loved me deeply, and demonstrated His compassion.   

I made a decision to trust God to help me work my way out of the financial hole we were in.  I began studying what the Bible says about money and started meeting with older men who were financially successful.  I read books written by Larry Burkett and attended Crown Ministry classes.  Three years ago, I heard of Dave Ramsey and began studying his material. 

There have been many setbacks.  Trying to raise a family of three, four, five and then six kids while you’re paying off a ton of debt has been hard.  Houses have to be repaired, dishwashers die, cars have to be replaced, clothes have to be bought, etc., etc., etc.  I haven’t always made the perfect financial decisions.  (Old habits die hard.)  Five years ago my income was cut by a third overnight. Literally overnight.  (Then stayed there until this past summer.)  But by learning and applying Biblical principles, my wife and I have slowly been working our way out of a mess.  We’re close to achieving the goal we have of becoming debt free. 

What I hope you get out of all this rambling is that it’s ok to be weird.  Everyone around you is using credit cards and up to their eyeballs in debt.  Be weird.  Use cash.  Everyone around you is getting funky home mortgage loans to get the most house they can stretch out of their income.  Be weird.  Go conventional fixed rate while they’re at an all time low.  All your friends are using student loans to get their degree and are then in debt for years and years when they graduate.  Be weird.  Work part time jobs, get financial aid, do whatever it takes to graduate with no debt so that you’re free to take on the world. 

Take it from one who’s been at the bottom.  Be weird.  Don’t go into debt!!!!!!!   

Thank you Lord for helping us through this and never giving up on me.  “All glory… and honor… forever and ever… amen.”

My fourteen year old son participates with Sea Cadets, an ROTC offshoot of the Navy.  Once a month, he spends all day Saturday and Sunday at the Naval Reserve base here in Charlotte training with the naval reserves.  The first time he went, I had to walk him inside, meet his commander, and sign the necessary papers.  For about an hour, I was surrounded by men and women who made a decision to serve our country and who could be called at anytime to go fight our enemies. 

For just a brief moment, as I was walking through their world, I wondered what they thought of all the politicians in Washington bickering over the war in Iraq.  For just a brief moment as I glimpsed life through their eyes, I wondered if they wouldn't say, "Please stop!  Quit fighting each other for power and help us fight our enemy."

This might sting a little, and I'm saying it just as much to myself as anyone, but can't we say the same thing about those of us in the church?  Maybe it's just me, but I've grown tired and frustrated with people who are always nitpicking about this they don't like or that they don't like or how it should be done this way or that way. 

I think that Satan loves this.  While we argue over style, the single mom is crying herself to sleep wondering how she's going to keep food on the table.  Marriages are crumbling apart.  And our kids are leaving in droves.  We turn our backs to the real battle so that we can argue with each other.  And the roaring lion who loves to devour walks through the front door into our church.  He whispers the lie of greener grass and a better future to the struggling husband and father.  And he leaves his family for her.  Another teenage boy watches as his father drives away. 

Here's what I'm asking myself.  What does God want from me?  What can I change?  Where can I help?  Who can I help?  Is my life a testimony to the grace that was given to me?  Am I reaching out?  Am I loving and forgiving others?  Am I helping the single mom?  Or the orphans?  Or the family up the street?  Or the fatherless teenager I know?  Or am I arguing about the song that was played in worship or the translation that the pastor used when he preached or the number of elders the church has.

I'm just asking.  Who are we supposed to be fighting?  Each other or our enemy?

This afternoon I had Brad with me while I was running some errands.  He'll be five in April. 

"Dad," he said.  "How does the wind blow?" 

Ummmmmmmmmmm.

"Well, it's something God made to do things like blow the dead leaves off the trees and bring rain for the plants and animals."

"Does God blow it with his mouth?"

"No, not with his mouth" I said smiling.  "But He makes it happen."

Then I remembered something I'd heard.  "You know what?  God's like the wind.  He's not just up in Heaven.  He's all around us just like the wind is.  Even though we can't see him, He's all around us doing things for us.  Isn't that cool?"

That got me a nod of agreement. 

"And you know what?  God's big and does things all over the world.  And He loves you enough to come live in your life if you want him to.  If you want, we can pray tonight and tell Him that you love Him and want Him to live with you forever.  And God will love you and live in your heart and be your friend."

Things were quiet for a few minutes.  I wondered if I had just confused him.  Then he spoke back up.

"Dad, you know what?  We were talking in church today about Jesus being our friend.  I think tonight when we say prayers that I want to ask Jesus to be my friend. "

I couldn't help it.  I started to tear up.

"Ok buddy.  We'll do that tonight."

And in the background, Nicole Nordeman was singing  "And let me not... forget to tremble..."

“Imagine how much a man’s life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God?  He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return.  It would be quite beautiful really.

Do you know what King David did one time when he was worshiping God?  He took off all his clothes and danced around in the street.  Everybody was watching him and he didn’t care.  His poor wife was completely embarrassed, but David didn’t worry, he didn’t care what anybody thought about him; he just took off his clothes before God and danced.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of taking off my clothes on Sunday morning at church.  I bring this up only to say there is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people.  This is what we have always wanted, isn’t it?  And it isn’t the American dream at all, it is the human dream, the deepest desire of our hearts.

I would imagine, then, that the repentance we are called to is about choosing one audience over another.  Jesus says many times in the gospel that He knows the heart of man, and the heart of man does not have the power to give glory.  I think Jesus is saying, Look, you guys are running around like monkeys trying to get people to clap, but people are fallen, they are separated from God, so they have no idea what is good or bad, worthy to be judged or set free, beautiful or ugly to begin with.  Why not get your glory  from God?  Why not accept your feelings of redemption because of His pleasure in you, not the fickle and empty favor of man?  And only then will you know who you are, and only then will you have true, uninhibited relationships with others.”

One of the most vivid memories I have of that time is standing outside the small hospital where he was born watching the EMT’s putting him in the ambulance, shutting both doors, and driving off to get him to the main hospital in downtown Charlotte.  Someone I was supposed to care for and provide for was so broken that he might not live and there was nothing I could do for him.  For the first time in my life, I had to admit my complete inability to control the “life” spinning around me. 

The Old Testament tells stories of the fathers of our faith creating alters to remind them of important events in their lives where God intervened to help them through a trial.  The picture I have of Matthew has become that.  It’s a reminder of an instant in time where everything changed.  That picture has also become a visual image of me, someone just as broken and helpless spiritually as Matthew was physically.  Like my son, I’m dying and not able to save myself. 

I recently pulled that picture out and spent some time thinking about these things.  There are periods in my life when God has to force me to come face-to-face with my brokenness.  I hate those times.  Voices from my past come back to haunt me.  I struggle with the self hatred and insecurities that I had hoped to leave behind.  I look in the mirror and am reminded of how ugly and messy life can be. 

I’m no different with God then my own children are with me.  I'm that whining son.  I turn to my Father in Heaven with questions about life and love and pain and struggles.  Sometimes I’m crying out for help.  Other times I’m raging and hurting and angry.  But He lets me come.  He listens and is patient and loving.  

As hard as those times are and as much as I hate them, I’ve also come to appreciate them.  I’m forced to recognize my deep need for a savior.  I’m captivated and overwhelmed and humbled by God’s love for me.  And Jesus asks for only one thing.  He wants me to demonstrate this love towards others.  To give up my cloak.  To walk an extra mile.  To turn the other cheek.  To provide a cup of water.  To be as patient with my children and with others as He is with me. 

Being a father is hard.  I get frustrated and I'm impatient and I struggle with giving up my time.  But these entries aren’t really about my struggles with my kids.  They’re about me being a child of God who is learning how to not only accept God's unconditional love, but learning what having sacrificial love for other people means.  And not just saying that I know and understand, but demonstrating that love to the people in my life.  Dying for others because Jesus died for me. 

“And then…” (his voice faltered a little) “and then today I saw her walking down the hall holding hands with Mike.”

I saw the pain in his face.  His young eyes were looking to me for help and guidance.  And I chose to do what every caring father does.

I called him a thumb sucking baby.  That’s what he is isn’t he?  And then I called in his brothers and sisters and called him a thumb sucking baby in front of them.  Just to reinforce that their Daddy won’t put up with that kind of behavior or those kinds of questions.  A little public humiliation keeps him in line ya’ know. 

He should quit whining for help with things he’s old enough to figure out on his own.  Cause only babies and little boys need their dad to help them with those deeper kinds of questions.  I should be able to push a book in his hands and tell him to figure it out on his own.  Heck, I can take him to Barnes and Noble and find hundreds of book to help him through this.  Be a grown up.  Don’t come to me for help.    

---

Ok, so none of this really happened.  But if it did, what would I say? 

God has placed me in charge of overseeing the spiritual development of my son.  Matter of fact, being a father is something that I chose to become.  So what do I do when he needs help diving deeper into life’s tough questions?  How do I respond?  How do I demonstrate God’s love to him?  Do I encourage his desire to learn?  Do I get down in life’s pit and help him find his way?  Do I discourage him from asking?  How do I help him become a Godly man?

Do I help him or make fun of him?  What would you do?

Is it ok to delete your own blog posts?  I just did. 

I went back and reread two posts I had written about church stuff.  They might have sounded harsher then I intended.  In my mind I was asking some honest and personal questions but I think they came out more like criticism. 

It's important that I tell the other side of the church story .  Both churches that I was referring to in my previous posts (that I deleted) are really growing.  Lives are being changed.  I've witnessed it for four years at the church we've been members of.  I know people who were far from God who's lives have turned around.  I see the same thing at the place we've been visiting.  Young people.  Old people.  Weird people like me.  All turning their hearts to God.  Regardless of the questions I've been struggling with, isn't that a great thing? 

Here's an example.  A few weeks ago I ran into an extremely troubled 17 year old kid who I really care about.  After talking for about 20 minutes I told him he needed to go visit this new church we've been attending.  I wouldn't let him walk away until he promised.  It's the kind of church that can turn his life around.  All my questions I've been struggling with lately lead me to one thought.  Don't I want there to be a church for him?   That has an obvious answer.  Praise God that there is. 

I don't know what my deal is right now.  The only thing I know for sure is that I'm driving my wife crazy talking so much about church.  I'll listen to a CD of Voddie Baucham and say to myself, "Exactly!  That's the way I should live my life and 'do' church."  But the thought of being in the kind of church he describes sounds, I don't know... sortof boring to be honest.  (Don't get me wrong - Pastor Baucham is one of the best preachers I've ever heard.  I believe completely in principle with what he teaches.  One of the other best is a 26 year old 'kid' (what he calls himself) here in Charlotte.   He's totally annointed by God and very wise.  The church he pastors has grown from 35 to over 1,000 in less then a year.  Incredible.) 

I think this is why I'm struggling so much and crying out inside with questions.  Even at almost 40 years old with a wonderful wife, six kids, a good job, and good health there are more days then I care to admit where I still ask the same questions. 

"Do I have what it takes?  Am I doing the right thing?  Does God even notice me?" 

One thing for certain.  I let myself turn church into a crutch that was propping me up.  I was using all my activity at church to answer those questions.  And anytime we have things other then God as our crutch, even His church, He will take them away.  And I think my initial reaction was to turn back on what I had been using for my crutch and blame it (the church) for not being good enough.  The pastor's not good enough or the people aren't friendly enough or the messages just aren't deep enough, etc, etc, etc. 

It's ok to ask questions.  But what I was calling the church's problems were really my own.  I wanted the pastor to pat me on the back and tell me that I was a good husband and good father.  There's nothing wrong (and it might even be important at times) to hear a good, hard hitting sermon.  But I wanted to hear my pastor "go deep" so that I could walk away and say that he was preaching at a knowledge level that I had raised myself to.  I wanted to feel that my personal questions were being answered. 

But at the end of the day, God is where I'm supposed to go, not the church.  What I'm coming to terms with is that God gives me the answers to my questions every single day if I'll humble myself and just listen to Him instead of seeking it from others.  

 Again, I'm saying this with my head and struggling with it in my heart.  But it's the honest part of me that those who know me deserve to hear.