Is it ok to delete your own blog posts?  I just did. 

I went back and reread two posts I had written about church stuff.  They might have sounded harsher then I intended.  In my mind I was asking some honest and personal questions but I think they came out more like criticism. 

It's important that I tell the other side of the church story .  Both churches that I was referring to in my previous posts (that I deleted) are really growing.  Lives are being changed.  I've witnessed it for four years at the church we've been members of.  I know people who were far from God who's lives have turned around.  I see the same thing at the place we've been visiting.  Young people.  Old people.  Weird people like me.  All turning their hearts to God.  Regardless of the questions I've been struggling with, isn't that a great thing? 

Here's an example.  A few weeks ago I ran into an extremely troubled 17 year old kid who I really care about.  After talking for about 20 minutes I told him he needed to go visit this new church we've been attending.  I wouldn't let him walk away until he promised.  It's the kind of church that can turn his life around.  All my questions I've been struggling with lately lead me to one thought.  Don't I want there to be a church for him?   That has an obvious answer.  Praise God that there is. 

I don't know what my deal is right now.  The only thing I know for sure is that I'm driving my wife crazy talking so much about church.  I'll listen to a CD of Voddie Baucham and say to myself, "Exactly!  That's the way I should live my life and 'do' church."  But the thought of being in the kind of church he describes sounds, I don't know... sortof boring to be honest.  (Don't get me wrong - Pastor Baucham is one of the best preachers I've ever heard.  I believe completely in principle with what he teaches.  One of the other best is a 26 year old 'kid' (what he calls himself) here in Charlotte.   He's totally annointed by God and very wise.  The church he pastors has grown from 35 to over 1,000 in less then a year.  Incredible.) 

I think this is why I'm struggling so much and crying out inside with questions.  Even at almost 40 years old with a wonderful wife, six kids, a good job, and good health there are more days then I care to admit where I still ask the same questions. 

"Do I have what it takes?  Am I doing the right thing?  Does God even notice me?" 

One thing for certain.  I let myself turn church into a crutch that was propping me up.  I was using all my activity at church to answer those questions.  And anytime we have things other then God as our crutch, even His church, He will take them away.  And I think my initial reaction was to turn back on what I had been using for my crutch and blame it (the church) for not being good enough.  The pastor's not good enough or the people aren't friendly enough or the messages just aren't deep enough, etc, etc, etc. 

It's ok to ask questions.  But what I was calling the church's problems were really my own.  I wanted the pastor to pat me on the back and tell me that I was a good husband and good father.  There's nothing wrong (and it might even be important at times) to hear a good, hard hitting sermon.  But I wanted to hear my pastor "go deep" so that I could walk away and say that he was preaching at a knowledge level that I had raised myself to.  I wanted to feel that my personal questions were being answered. 

But at the end of the day, God is where I'm supposed to go, not the church.  What I'm coming to terms with is that God gives me the answers to my questions every single day if I'll humble myself and just listen to Him instead of seeking it from others.  

 Again, I'm saying this with my head and struggling with it in my heart.  But it's the honest part of me that those who know me deserve to hear.