One of the most vivid memories I have of that time is standing outside the small hospital where he was born watching the EMT’s putting him in the ambulance, shutting both doors, and driving off to get him to the main hospital in downtown Charlotte.  Someone I was supposed to care for and provide for was so broken that he might not live and there was nothing I could do for him.  For the first time in my life, I had to admit my complete inability to control the “life” spinning around me. 

The Old Testament tells stories of the fathers of our faith creating alters to remind them of important events in their lives where God intervened to help them through a trial.  The picture I have of Matthew has become that.  It’s a reminder of an instant in time where everything changed.  That picture has also become a visual image of me, someone just as broken and helpless spiritually as Matthew was physically.  Like my son, I’m dying and not able to save myself. 

I recently pulled that picture out and spent some time thinking about these things.  There are periods in my life when God has to force me to come face-to-face with my brokenness.  I hate those times.  Voices from my past come back to haunt me.  I struggle with the self hatred and insecurities that I had hoped to leave behind.  I look in the mirror and am reminded of how ugly and messy life can be. 

I’m no different with God then my own children are with me.  I'm that whining son.  I turn to my Father in Heaven with questions about life and love and pain and struggles.  Sometimes I’m crying out for help.  Other times I’m raging and hurting and angry.  But He lets me come.  He listens and is patient and loving.  

As hard as those times are and as much as I hate them, I’ve also come to appreciate them.  I’m forced to recognize my deep need for a savior.  I’m captivated and overwhelmed and humbled by God’s love for me.  And Jesus asks for only one thing.  He wants me to demonstrate this love towards others.  To give up my cloak.  To walk an extra mile.  To turn the other cheek.  To provide a cup of water.  To be as patient with my children and with others as He is with me. 

Being a father is hard.  I get frustrated and I'm impatient and I struggle with giving up my time.  But these entries aren’t really about my struggles with my kids.  They’re about me being a child of God who is learning how to not only accept God's unconditional love, but learning what having sacrificial love for other people means.  And not just saying that I know and understand, but demonstrating that love to the people in my life.  Dying for others because Jesus died for me.