Sep. 14, 2008 -
I am sitting here early with coffee and hair dye in my hair trying to think of how I am going to pull off a My Little Pony birthday cake for Kenzie. I have been all over the internet for pictures of other people's ideas and last night at 10:30 before I went to bed can you guess what I was doing? Anyone? Oh yes, I was combing out the mane and tails of Kenzie's My Little Ponies because when I went to the Dollar Store to see if they had any new ones for this cake......they didn't. So we will make do with the ones that she already has, just put some new spit and polish on the old ones......maybe skip the spit if they are going on the cake. The party is today. The pool is blue and the towels are ready. We are throwing all the children in the pool for the afternoon and then some cake and presents. I have a load of fruit to cut. We went to the flea market yesterday. We are so blessed to be able to just go and get all the fresh fruits and veggies that any person could imagine for less than at WalMart. They are gorgeous, peaches, plums, pears, pineapple. We got them all, grapes, kiwi and the heaviest tomatoes, so ripe and red. They even had some strawberries, I got those too. Kenzie loves fruit, our whole family does. I will put out a big plate of fruit, cheese and crackers and chips with dip for snacking while we wait for the hot dogs to grill. I am so thankful that the party is not like last year. Last year for Kenzie's party we had 27 people! I thought I would die.... we had most of the birth family come to see where the girls were living and see their room and all that. I thought they needed that. To know that the girls were safe and happy. I know I would.
Matthew wants to start a unit on genetics.....does anyone have any ideas on how to teach genetics to a 10 yo? I learned it as a sophmore in high school and loved it, but I am unsure as to how to teach it to him. He is quick, but impatient wanting it to come fast. I got him a book on genetics earlier in the summer but it was for adults and he just didn't get it. Hey, I didn't get some of it....They really don't have alot of books with the specific info he wants, but written in a way that isn't watered down too much. Books for children on genetics are too general and don't have the DNA sequence explanation that he is craving. I am dreading having to make my own text for him, so if anyone out there has any ideas I sure would take any suggestions.....
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Sep. 1, 2008 - Labor Day..
Yes another Labor Day come and gone. We did school in the morning. I don't want to have the boys skip any days yet. We are focused on our goal of 180 days. Nathan seems to have overcome at least some of the trouble he had with spelling also. I am amazed at his progress already.
After school BIGFamily came over and we had a FEAST!! Burgers, hot dogs, BBQ chicken, steak, potato salad, deviled eggs, baked beans and more. The bar in my kitchen was so full with food. It was wonderful. We haven't cooked out like that in so long and the grill was in full gear cooking all that food. I am so grateful to have my friend Kim by my side to help me with all the food prep and dishes. Oh My!! Don't get me started on how many dishes that is..... The kids spent the afternoon in the pool. We all went for a walk after dessert. The grown ups walked and the littles and the middles rode their bikes on the road down to the lake that is by our house. The littles are Kendra and Kenzie and the middles are Matthew, Nathan and Ashley. We call the teenagers....the Bigs. I know, but BIGfamily has it's own lingo about some things. It is funny.... but we have made up our own vernacular.
I was at the dentist on Friday and he said I am all healed now. I can start calling tomorrow for my dentures. I am so happy about that. I am going to have a beautiful smile. I know that 35 is young for dentures, but I am so pleased not to be in pain anymore. It has been so great to get back to normal with that. I can't wait to EAT!! I am so hungry for a salad and some fruit. I don't care if I ever eat mashed potatoes again, lol.
So that is all for this Labor Day at our home. I hope yours was blessed and you find yourself rested.
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Aug. 30, 2008 - Our first week.....complete!!
Yes that is right our first week is complete!! We made a deal that we would skip homeschooling on Friday and have school on Saturday after our chores, since I had a dentist appt. and needed to go in town. My mom watched the boys,since she is home recovering from surgery. The boys helped her with her dog, Buddy, by wearing him out some and also with some housework. It was a nice afternoon for them and they came home so happy with a yummy bag of oatmeal raisin cookies!
Saturday school turned out to be.....not sooo bad, lol. We did our chores and then school. I gave in slightly since we had such a great week and gave the boys the video game for Saturday afternoon. It was an excellent bribe for clean rooms, a complete week of homeschooling and an afternoon of peace and quiet for me...hehehehe. The boys have had great attitudes, even for Saturday school all week. And then don't get me started on how tidy those rooms are.......I am pleased.
I am proud of Nathan. It seems like over our break his brain had some time to....mature? Is that the right word? I don't know but what ever happened, his reading is better than it ever has been. It was a good week for him. We are still sort of in a review period and haven't started heavy homeschooling yet, but it is good for now. I was probably expecting too much out of him. His brother can read like most adults, so I don't know if I was comparing them or what. I have been trying not to do that, but it happens to the best of us, I guess. He just is not cut out for book learning yet, he prefers to learn with his hands and his heart.
Matthew had a great week. He is all about being a good steward of his time this year, something we have been working on since we started homeschooling. He got up this morning and had his math completed before breakfast. I really hope that he stays with it. Kenzie has a different book that she brings home from Pre-K each day. I have delegated that Matthew read this to her, showing good form and left to right. All that stuff. I went over with him how the teacher expect her to be read to and then turned them loose. So far....it is working out very well. His dysgraphia is something that he still struggles with. We are still working to find new ways to over come it. His attitude is the most important change I have seen. He knows that somethings are easy for him and others take longer. I am pleased with him.
So over all a great week of homeschooling. We are 15 days in out of 180. Only 165 to go.....
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Aug. 28, 2008 - black butterflies and pink napkins
I found a black butterfly in my driveway yesterday.......it was dead, but still. It was lying right there for me to find when I went out the check the mail, a great big one. I love butterflies and this is the time of year when I first got Kendra and Kenzie and the butterflies were thick in the air, like they are now. My red, bristle brush bush is in full bloom. The butterflies are swarming around it like magic. I always thought that the butterfly symbol was symbolic of the girls, how they were catapillars and would someday bloom into butterflies if someone would only love them enough to let them spread their wings. I have a beautiful butterfly ring to remind me of how much I love them and how blessed I was to have them come into my life. A weird thing happened.....it broke. The delicate wing started to lift away from the rest of the ring and now I can't wear it anymore. I am a firm believer in signs. That God sends you signs....like little reminders, to remember beauty or love. A song on the radio may come on and remind you of someone. You may smell something and think of a happy time in your life......or you can find a dead butterfly in your driveway. I know..... I am strange. We have been up and down with the girls. There have been some low, low points. Disagreements and points of view exchanged over the past year, but they are still here and I love them so much. They have my heart.....
Then tonight when I was tucking Kenzie in and kissing her goodnight. I saw something sticking out from under her pillow. She is famous for putting things under her pillow that are super special to her. Photos, letters, whatever. You see, over the summer she attended daycare and every Friday they had a picnic day outside. Parents packed a lunch, something special to break the monotony of a summer in day care, I guess. ( this is not my choice, the girls have to be seen by the public eye everyday and when there is no school, there is only daycare) So on the last picnic day I had found some hot pink napkins left over from a birthday in the cupboard, I put one in the lunch box. I had written on it.....I LOVE YOU KENZIE in marker. I never saw it again, so I assumed that she used it and threw it away. She can read the words I love you and recognize her own name, so I knew she would know what it meant. I pulled out this pink thing, sort of annoyed, thinking that she had packratted some scrap of paper under there. When I saw it, tears stung my eyes. It was the napkin I had put in her lunch from over a month ago. It was a little wrinkled and you could see where she had smoothed it out with her little hands and folded it over and over. I was so humbled, because I know that something so small let her know that she is special to me and that I am special to her also...... something that costs nothing, yet is priceless.
It is a wonderous thing to feel loved. You are more alive, like a breeze under your wings from somewhere. Like an angel in disguise came and brushed their wings over you. You can skip along with a song on your lips and in your heart. To know that someone you love truly loves you? I love that feeling.....Don't you?
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Aug. 20, 2008 - Thanks Fay....
my girls are home for the day....again. This only means that we will have make up days to attend later this year. We were all home yesterday as well. DH and I used the day to go through the house and make a daily chore list for the children and myself. I tend to get a little over involved in the homeschooling process and lose focus on my home making skills. My addictive personality sneeks through yet again, hehehe. I made up some killer lists of everything to ensure that I get everything done each day. This is a good thing.....
The boys and I were able to sit down yesterday for a few minutes and sort of nail some stuff down. I think we just begin and then see where we end up. Homeschooling tends to be a winding road anyway. Nathan really needs to focus on his reading this year. He is behind in my estimation. I did some quick evaluating the other day with him. He is about on an early 2nd grade level, but he will be 9 in a few weeks. In public school he would be in at least 3rd grade. I understand that he remains unmedicated for his "ADHD" ( if you believe in that) and our focus last year was in the path of least resistance. He hates to read. He doesn't like to sit still, if you could read and play football or basketball at the same time.... then he would be all set. I have even set up words on the driveway and told him to shoot from what ever word, but that has no practical application in fluency reading aloud or reading for a longer time. We just need to get dirty over it.
Matthew has been reading right along all summer. He reads as well as most adults I know and always has. His writing however is terrible. We need to work intensively again this year on it. I know that is dysgraphia is in full effect, but I just can't give a pass for that. He can still type, so we will be working hard on that again this year. We made remarkable progress last year, but we need to continue. He has a keen intrest in politics....hhhhmmmmm I wonder where he got that from? DH and I love to argue politics with each other....... and anyone else who will listen. Also he is a huge conspiracy theory buff.....again? hhhhhmmmmmm.........I laugh as I know that Matthew is for sure my child. So we will be sparking that interest to encourage reading and questioning.
So that is all for now. I hope to post more often this time around now that some of the craziness in my life has settled down a little.....
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Aug. 18, 2008 -
Some things change and some things stay the same no matter what you do. Our summer was short and busy!! Kendra returned to public school this morning (1st grade), just in time for a back to school hurricane. Yes, Fay is headed our way, but it looks like it will be nothing more than overturned trashcans and mud puddles for our area. We really can use the rain. Here are just a few of the things that happened over the summer:
1. I was in a lot of pain this summer due to my teeth, but I had 14 of them removed by an oral surgeon in one day. I don't have my dentures yet, but it will be soon. Bad teeth run in my family and I made it about 10 years longer than most, but it had to be done. I am still healing, but doing so well and feeling much better. I am very thankful.
2. The girls are still here. Their one year anniversary was July 9th. We made it all the way through counseling. The last birth parent visitation happened with out incident and the girls have made a smooth transition with out all the craziness. They are doing so well. Our case has been handed to the adoption unit. The birth parents filed an appeal, but we are confident that the judge's decision will be upheld.
3. The boys and I did almost ZERO homeschooling for the summer. I was on alot of painkillers waiting for my surgery and then after I had my teeth out I was pretty out of it for about 9 days. It was a lesson for the boys in being self sufficient and making choices without momma around to guide them. I would have prefered it a different way, but when life hands you lemons......
4. BIGFamily is still in full effect. We just returned from a week's vacation. We hit a few water parks and did some back to school shopping. Of course there was the manditory trip to the Museum of Science and Industry in Tampa. We had a great time.
5. DH and I are still here. I won't lie and tell you that it has all been rainbows and butterflies, but we are still here. There have been some tough moments over the past year with every thing that has gone on, but we made it. I am thankful for that.
So now it is time to begin anew. We have about 170 days of homeschooling to knock out. I know that some Saturdays will be involved to get everything done, but that is okay. We also will have to work through December this year, but that is okay too. Tomorrow the boys and I will sit down and discuss how they want to have their lessons, what will be easier for them to facilitate their learning. We will set up our files and goal pages. I have some loose ideas in mind, but have to nail them down on paper...... Now that is the story of my life, lol.....
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May. 17, 2008 - Evaluation Complete!
We completed our evaluation yesterday! We are not on probation. We pulled it out of the depths and rose above. I know that next year we need to really put our nose to the grindstone and buckle it back down. We managed to get through the year medication free for Nathan. We are still here, still homeschoolers. We still have the desire to educate our children at home and that says something.
I have a complete understanding that in this new year we must be more focused on academics. We already have day 1 completed. We attended the children's book festival at the main branch of the library. It was a wonderful day filled with authors, crafts and new books. I got lots of pictures, even Kendra and Kenzie were able to go to this one. We got some new ideas for projects and a great writing start from Alison Hart, the featured guest speaker. We saw some old friends, made some new ones.
This afternoon I will be cleaning out files and portfolios, making room for new work from this new year. I am sort of breathing a sigh of relief as I shut the door on this past homeschooling year. I have been waiting for this moment for months. This year I will be ever focused on those magic 180 days that are required by Florida Law. That seems like alot but we have already taken our first step.
So with a happy heart......out with the old and in with the new ! !
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May. 9, 2008 -
There is a flurry of activity around our house today as we are getting ready for our homeschool evaluation on the 16th of this month. OH MY How time has flown this year! I didn't realize how far behind our scrap book actually was until I looked at it. I hadn't updated it since September!! YIKES!! I am already caught up to November. I had to print out like 97 pictures yesterday at the Kodak Picture Maker. I love that thing! No waiting, just instant photos, great cropping, quick fix for your boo boos. I cut and pasted last night until my eyes were crossed! I spent today getting the captions together. I still have far to go, but no worries, it will happen.
I got the portfolios together today also. They have shown progress that is for sure. Of course last year we hit it out of the park. This year we have been crawling at a snails pace. Each year I think is going to have it's own flavor, almost like a marriage, ups and downs. In reflection, it has not been so bad. At least not as bad as I thought. We are still here and I didn't give up. I have high hopes for next year though. At least to keep up with the scrap book a little better. We reflected on the year past and the boys wrote an essay about how they have changed. Here is it:
How We Have Changed This Year
by Matthew and Nathan
Last year we learned about the community and the world around us. We did community service, started recycling and took trips. This year we worked on our family. We worked on our values and relationships. We worked at home.
The biggest change this year is the girls. Fitting them in our family has been really hard. They pull back and push us away. Having two little sisters is annoying. They make bad choices sometimes and do stupid stuff. Some good lessons have come too. We learned that the right thing to do is not always the easy thing to do. Also you should help the weak and small when you can. We learned it is our job to teach Kendra and Kenzie to love.
Everyone has gotten a lot closer. Me and Nathan have built our relationship, so we can stand up to the world together. We act more mature now. We were mortal enemies before the girls came but now we are best friends and brothers.
We have overcome some fears. Nathan worked on his fear of heights. I worked on his fear of big dogs and drowning.
We learned how to stay home alone. How to be responsible, how to use the telephone properly and to handle ourselves when our parents aren’t around.
We have learned how to help Mom because she gets stressed out sometimes with the girls. We have learned to do the dishes, tidy the house and yard, clean the bathroom really fast in case a social worker is coming.
We have learned that we NEVER want to be social workers when we grow up. Social workers have horrible jobs. They have to take kids away. They have to break people’s hearts everyday.
Last of all, we have learned to be thankful for our family. We are thankful that our Mom and Dad never take drugs. We never have to worry about food or being fed. We never have to worry about foster care or social workers. We are thankful for having a home and a house. We are thankful to be healthy and happy. We learned this year that some kids don’t have these things. They live on the streets and have nobody to love them. So we have changed this year. We have grown taller and we have grown bigger in our hearts.
I think it is a true reflection of the year. I didn't edit it for content (spelling/grammar, yes). Matthew used his voice. Nathan helped. It is a far cry from our "goal page" at the beginning of the year, so filled with things to learn. We have learned lessons instead about life, being a good person.
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May. 5, 2008 - Funny Story
I thought I would share a funny story with ya'll and hopefully make you smile!
Yesterday as Nathan was making his toast for breakfast. He was drawing with the honey, drizzling it all around his toast in a sort of very careful fashion. He took a really long time and was very intent on his work. If you have ever met Nathan, you will know this is WAY out of character for him. I was observing him for quite some time, when I asked him what he was doing. His brow was furrowed and he never looked up. "Don't interrupt me, Mom." he said. " I am recreating the life cycle of a cnidaria on my toast before I eat it!" You see, we had learned about cnidaria (or Jellyfish) at science class. Another time I honestly thought that Nathan wasn't listening. He went on to explain the life cycle in all great detail and the weird thing was that I could actually see it in the drips and drizzles of the honey floating on an ocean of butter! I was impressed that he had retained most of the lesson including some of the vocabulary words. I chuckled all day over that.
Homeschooling? Who Knew?
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Apr. 30, 2008 - Science Class
The boys and I have been attending a homeschool science class. This has been a really cool experience for us. We love it and the "socialization" ( I HATE that word!) is great too. The moms are taking turns hosting the class and teaching also. I have hosted twice and I am teaching 2 classes also. I haven't had my turn yet, but I am doing Fish and also Root systems. It is a good program and we are havining alot of fun. There are alot of hands on type activities and the end results are really cool. We ended up with a great Human Body book. We are currently working on a 5 Kingdoms book with tabs on the top. It is going to turn out really neat. We are going to continue through the summer with it, which is great since we do our best school in the summer anyways. The hands on activities are great and Nathan is learning so much. He doesn't seem to but then when we go over the lesson at home, he remembers! Matthew is enjoying being one of the "big kids" in the class, learning a little more in depth than the littler ones. He helps out also with his brother and Charlie.
We love Charlie and his brother Chris. Charlie is 7, with a mop of curly hair and the same barefoot style as Nathan. Their family lives on a canal. It is a cool place to go and visit for an afternoon. Nathan and Charlie are kindred spirits. They became fast friends. Chris is about 12. He and Matthew love to hang out together. Chris has a lizard in his room and plays the guitar. It was so cool to have some boys join our group. We have alot of little girls and if you have ever met Nathan, he has no time for little girls, lol.
So that is all for now, I guess. We are chugging along. I have to shampoo the carpets today. YUCK!
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Apr. 28, 2008 - Much Ado Over A Popsicle
Calling all moms (and dad's) out there is cyberspace!! As warmer temps arrive for all of us, it is time for the yearly ritual of making popsicles. We do this for a multitude of reasons.
1. Health: Nathan is allergic to artificial colors, and none of us need that stuff in our bodies anyways. The ingredients in a commercially available popsicle are just chemicals and coloring which tastes good, but is gross. Corn syrup is bad for you/makes you fat. Even the "natural" ones have chemicals in them.
2. Cost: We try to be thrifty in all things and if you have priced a popsicle lately.....you know what I am talking about. They are outrageous for what you get.....colored sugar water! A plastic popsicle mold is $1 at the Dollar Tree and it makes 4 pops. I have 2 now and will be purchasing 2 more by the end of the summer. I was rummaging around my fridge at noon time scavenging for stuff for popsicles. Any bit of this or that will do. I made some homemade lemonade yesterday out of some lemon juice (free lemons of my friends tree) that I had frozen, so I used the last of that. So homemade popsicles help use up the little scraps of fruit, juice, yogurt, ect in the fridge instead of them going in the trash. THey are good for fruit that is right on the edge also, just put it in the smoothie maker and voila! A treat! instead of trash.
3 The environment: Commercial popsicles are over packaged and the materials are not great on the decomposition end either. Wood for the sticks? well....trees still die for that. Plastic wrapping on the inside of that paper makes it not compost very well. They come in a bag or box that if not recycled, ends up making for alot of trash in the landfill. When they get broken or wear out/leak the plastic molds can be recycled into something else, instead of going in the trash also, but they last forever. We are working on our 3rd summer with the ones we have now.
4. Commercialism: The commercialism you buy into by getting the Scooby Doo or Sponge Bob Square Pants on the box kind or worse......the kind they saw on TV!! Don't get me wrong, my boys watch Saturday morning cartoons and they used to ask. Now they know better. I have always strived to make my boys smart consumers, still working on the girls, and for them it started with popsicles and breakfast cereal. (head shaking) poor things.... It is just an early lesson in having to have the "right brand" to be cool.
So that is about all I have to say about popsicles....lol. I know it is a strong stance (tongue in cheek) but the lesson is deeper that just a popsicle. It is about thought. About what goes in your body, what you spend your money on, what the products you buy do to the Earth, about choice. It only takes about 2 minutes out of my day to provide a health snack for my children. So anyone out there have any new ideas as to what to make them out of?? By the end of the summer I have just about run out of creativity......
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Apr. 26, 2008 - The courage to try
Cyndie.....if God gave us the outcome of every situation, we wouldn't have the courage to try. That is God's true gift to you.....courage. Don't you see that? Determination, that unfaltering spirit you have and the courage to try. Rest easy in that you have been given these gifts to see you through and give up on the outcome.
Those are the words that my almost 90 year old grandmother said to me when I called her on her birthday. She asked me how things were going with the girls and I was going on about being unsure of what was to come of them. What my role was in all this mess. I have been chewing on those words now for days. I hope I am nearly that wise when I am that old. I was very grounded by her thought. She is ,of course, right. I just couldn't see the forest, but for the trees, I guess. I have become so calm thinking about it that way.
I have been in a good place. Not so frantic all the time. Sleeping more, less coffee, more excersize, less worry. The boys and I played PayDay after they finished up their school work the other day. Outside on the picnic table in the shade, we played and let the phone ring, never answering it. It was like old times. I could tell that we were really connected, like we hadn't been in a long time. Tears stung my eyes as I realized how far apart we have been. Things have been left behind along the way. I have been hanging laundry alot lately. That is my thinking time, all alone. I love hanging laundry, I know it is silly, but I need it. I need the time to just think. It is theraputic for me and it helps the environment. The pool is blue and gorgeous this year. We have already been swimming almost everyday. I am so glad to be here.
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Apr. 24, 2008 - Am I back?
Well???.......Maybe. I have been better all week about sleeping, eating at the table, cutting back on coffee, reading my book, not being so stressed all the time and keeping up with the housework.
I even got on the treadmill this morning before I took the girls to school! You would think I was dying right now, but I feel ALIVE!! I feel more energized than I have in months......really! As I started this morning I thought, Ah Jeepers.....This is gonna be terrible!! About 10 minutes in I was sweating and really digging in........ and SMILING!! yes, you heard right, smiling 
, jamming to the music, working my body! I felt great and I have been so happy all day. At around 3pm today, Matthew and I did some Yoga stretches in the living room, that was amazing. I felt so......zen. Yoga brings my body peace, I love the way it feels. I have felt so tired for so long. Caffiene fueled, strung out. Not today!
I think what happened was, I was so caught up in pleasing every one else that I forgot to please me. I didn't take any time for my needs. I know that a mother is about giving at all times, but what sort of mother was I? Tired, grumpy, house a wreck, life a wreck, not fueled to teach, depressed at times. I was so caught up in the drama of the girls that I let everything else go until it consumed me. I have let most of that go. It is not an easy thing by any stretch of the imagination. I can't say I have let it all go either, just most of it. I have been crawling around in my head over this week trying to figure it all out. That is the best I can come up with. I was so worried about taking care of everyone and every little thing that I forgot about myself. I need to do the things that make me.....me. Otherwise I am no good to anyone. It is self actualizing, truly, to take a look inward and see that things are not working in your life. To fix them is even better.....
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Apr. 21, 2008 - So proud of my friend.....
I am so proud of my best friend, Kim. Today, she passed her driver's test!! She has been working and practicing so hard. She failed a few months ago. I was proud of her then for even trying. There have been big hurdles for her to overcome self confidence wise. I knew she could do it all along. I also want to say she has set an exellent example for her own daughters as well. Even if you are scared or you think you are too old to learn, if you set your mind to it, you can do it. Believe and acheive!
I am so proud of you, Kim. I knew you had it inside yourself to pass the test! Congratulations Momma!!
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Apr. 19, 2008 -
I have found something new that I just love. My friend Kim came over the other night and made sushi bowls for us. This is my new food love! Spicy shrimp ( these were cooked, but cold) jasmine rice, shredded lettuce, cucumber, carrots, and rice wine vinegar. It was THE BEST!! I love seafood anyways and all these foods are super yummy and healthy. See I try to avoid wheat when I can. I love it, but it does not love me. It makes me breakout on my face, my joints get achy and I gain weight because I can't digest it. I don't know if I am truly allergic to it, because I have MANY food allergies. It doesn't seem to effect me in the same way as the others, but it is really not good if I eat too much. Anyways, I think I will switch the rice to brown rice if I eat this dish all summer. It was delicious and she gave me some great ideas for some other seafood to go in it besides the spicy shrimp. I am so blessed to have a very good friend that actually works in seafood to show me something new, lol.
So I need some new recipes that will feed a crowd, like about 15 - 18 people, not expensive, not to complicated either. We feed at least 13 every Sunday, but leftovers are always welcome. We are also feeding 3 teenage boys, 2 "growing like weeds" boys, 2 men and 2 little girls who are never able to get full. The adults were sitting around chatting when the men said they were ready for us ladies to wow them with something new to eat......We smiled and accepted the challenge. We all really love to eat and eating together just makes the food taste that much better. So if you have a great recipe that feeds a crowd I would love to hear it.
On my front, things are going well. I am making an effort to take time. DH and I watched a movie together last night together. We put the kids to bed early after an afternoon in the pool. It was nice to just have quiet. I read yesterday a little, volunteered on Kendra's Kindergarten field trip. Supper was quick, soup and sandwiches, but it was hot and I wasn't worried about it. The children and DH requested it. So now on with it......
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Apr. 17, 2008 -
DH decided that for now we are going with a prepackaged curric. Normally I would be against this whole heartedly. Since we really are just floating along with out any sense of where we are going, this is the best choice for now. I think we can get back to the "mommy style" later when I have more time to plan my lessons. It is going pretty well. It took the boys a couple of days to remember how to underline this and circle that. Multiple choice is not something they are used to either, but it beats putting them back into public school. They are being good sports about it and it has lightened the load on me. We got the books at Barnes and Noble. 5th grade for Matthew and 2nd grade for Nathan. All this nonesense has effected Nathan's learning the most. He know his multiplication tables up to 6 and he does read ALOT better now than he did at the beginning of the year. Other than that, not alot of progress. One thing we did do everyday was at least read, so that shows. Matthew's writing has come so far. If we did nothing else in our day, he did write. He learned so much about writing, sentences, structure, so on. He has had some struggles with his dysgraphia, but over all I think he has shown much improvement. He reads everyday anyway, he loves magazines. Boys Life, GameInformer (which I hate, but at least he is reading) He gets magazines from the library too. Whatever catches his eye. He even reads Time and Newsweek if there is a cool article on a new airplane or military/war type thing. So over all not soooo bad. These new books are already helping, so DH was right. It has lightened my load.
I baked some banana bread and read a little over the past 2 days. It felt really good to have something in the oven. To smell it cooking, fill the house with that yummy aroma. The boys were drawn to the oven peeking in the door. It made me smile. So far no dinner at the table, but I am working on it. One thing at a time, it all can't come back at once. I think today I will make some applesauce muffins while the boys are working. I also dyed my hair yesterday. I had let it go for so long and it did look awful. So that was a nice boost. The girls had to go in town for an appt. So I put on some new clothes that I got at the thrift store the other day with my friend Kim, some makeup. I shined up like a new penny and I am skinny now. 122 pounds! I have lost a full 20 pounds now from my peak. I need to start walking on the treadmill again, just for the heart health, not to lose anymore weight. I think it will help me feel better also, excersize gives you a boost! I always feel so good when I am doing the treadmill, strong, healthy. I was planning to work and now I am working my plan.....which means getting off the computer and getting on with it.
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Apr. 15, 2008 -
I haven't been blogging at all lately.......I know this. You see. this is a place for all my innermost thoughts to lay. The things that are going on in my head and heart are expressed here. There is an unbalanced energy around me and yes I have changed.
I know I have changed because I have been told by a few people that love me......that I have. An honest look inward (man, those hurt) finds that I HAVE changed. Am I the person I once was? NO, honestly. I am a bit cynical actually. I don't think I was that way before, it catches people off guard. Life has trampled on me a little. Hope has been squished, faith tested. I forget to be thankful in all things even the horrid ones. Moments of happiness? sure....but have I lost that zest for living? I don't think so.... My moments of quiet reflection are for sure gone. Those grounding moments captured in time to think are gone also. These are important to who I am, so I think that is why people say I have changed. I don't read anymore, this is something I take great joy in. Educating my mind, giving my brain something new, but I simply don't have the time mostly. My brain mostly races with the same cruddy thinking, what about the girls, what about the boys, what about DH, what about the house? I find myself with nothing new to say, that is not me either. If you know me.....I always have something to say (smile) I am overwhelmed mostly, house a wreck, nothing pulled out for dinner. We haven't even been eating at the table anymore. Just grab a plate and find a clear spot. No homemade cookies for dessert. Nothing baking? This is not me either. So as I blog, I can see that there are things missing from who I am. No wonder I have "changed"....huh. The missing things are the very things that define me..... guess I better work on that.
Our business is a little rough right now, has been since about August. It is the first wave of the economic downturn. Folks just can't afford it all, so the rent has to go and they are mostly moving in with family. This is hard on the heart of a landlord, but if you don't pay, you don't stay. Those are the hard and fast rules, even if they are awful. We have been working with DH some, not focused on schooling like we should be. We have done alot of tree work this year. Times are tough and the tree guys are working for cheap, so we are trying to help them out and get some stuff done for the upcoming hurricane season. This is work the boys and I can help out with. Also cleaning the empty units, so they are ready to re-rent. We have had 4 empties in one month and we have 2 more coming may 1st. I re-rented them all. I am taking calls on the 2 new ones. We are having to lower rents to get them filled, but we can't have them empty.
So I guess I have some work to do to get things back on track. No excuses, just work to be done now.
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Mar. 27, 2008 - full circle
Here is BIGfamily before the girls entered our lives. I had met the birth mother the night before, shook hands with her. Not knowing that there were 2 little girls out there that would soon need us. Do you notice in the picture there are 2 spots empty? It was like we were waiting for them. This was our first weekend together January 07. The first time the children had met each other. Body language was a little stiff, manners were still in full effect. I look at this pic alot and laugh. How far we have come together, how the children have grown, how much we all love each other now.
Now look at us! Complete, Body language says we are relaxed, we love each other. We had such a great weekend, so full of laughing and good times. It was wonderful to go back to the same spot and take this new picture. This time there are no spots empty. I have to say the grownups were all smiles as we snapped this pic. It was a very sweet thing for us all.
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Mar. 20, 2008 - another step closer`
There has been some developments, moving toward closure for the girls. I remain steady, unable to let a flicker of hope build beyond just that ....a flicker. I dare not hope or be too optimistic because I have been there only to have my heart crushed.
We went yesterday for an "intake" which is an information gathering session, with the counseling center that will oversee the next birth parent visit. It is only 45 minutes from our home. The person overseeing this visit will determine if there are any more to follow. The judge ruled that there could be more visits during the birth parents appeal on their Termination of Parental Rights. Normally, there are no more visits during the appeal, but our judge is very liberal and left it up to this new person to decide. I pray that they are wise and stop it all together.
The girls missed the visit for Feb. Kendra is now calling me Mommy full time now, not using it as a weapon to gain favor. I told her it did not effect me, her calling me mommy or Cyndie and not to use it to "get something" (This worked with her birth mother, but not with me) Alot of her nervous habits are lessened. She can dress for school without tears. It has been a blessing. Kenzie is drawing pictures of herself, happy at the beach, BIG family, all together, holding hands, smiling, flowers in the background. When Kenzie is happy, she draws.
Matthew and Nathan are the same, playing and riding bikes. DH and I are trying to make sure they don't get lost in the shuffle of all this. That they are not pushed to the side in order for us to deal with everything going on around them. It has been a struggle, but worth every moment. So that is all for now, I have more to post and pictures too, but not today.....
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Mar. 10, 2008 - We will know even more today....
I know I have been terribly remiss in posting, however I have remained in deep thought and prayer over the girls and what is to become of them. I have tried to fill their days with flying kites, riding bikes and all the little things that families do. We have surrounded them with love and family at every chance. There is a permanency hearing today to see what the judge has determined as to the fate of these girls. The parental rights were terminated on February 25th, however this really does not mean a whole lot. The parents have an appeal, which takes a year and they can still receive their visits during that time. They cannot be adopted during this time, so they cannot begin their lives, cannot give their whole hearts to our family, cannot feel safe in knowing that they are here forever.
I have been inside my own head alot, searching for my lesson here. Trying to fulfill my purpose. It has been difficult for me and I know that sharing it may have been easier, but searching one's soul is a deeply personal thing. We are still sort of trying to see where all the pieces fit in this. Running scenario after scenario, hypothetical situations, what will you do if......I hope to come out a little wiser for all this, probably alot tougher too. So we will know even more after today. Again sorry for not posting, I just don't think I was ready.
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