Hello, World!

It's been a while since I've posted a good post.  I'm not sure this will qualify as good, but I figured I'd give it a go.

Let me preface this by letting you know that I've been in & out of hospitals for weeks and the medications I'm on make me extremely emotional.

I did post something last week, and then when I was up and about the next day deleted it because it was a terrible post!  A truly awful one.  If you read it, I'm extremely sorry.  I was completely unfair to my brother in it.  I'm actually very proud of him.  He's come a long way.  He turned away from the Lord as a teenager & made some bad choices.  He has had to pay for them.  He's still paying the price.  However, he has also made some extremely good choices.

For instance, he felt God calling him into the ministry as a local missionary.  He fought it for a long time.  He had a very high paying career at the time and a family to support.  He just wanted to make sure this was what God wanted.  One day he felt God's call so strongly that he actually quit that job in the middle of the day.  He had a company vehicle, so he had to leave that and walk almost 20 miles before getting a ride.  Within a month, with God's help he had the mission up & running.  He feeds and clothes hundreds of those in need each week.  He's led many people to the Lord through this ministry.  He lives on very little money.  Churches have taken him on to support monthly, but it's sad how often they don't send the money.  If they sent the money they promised they would have about $2000 a month.  Most months they live on $100 or less.  It's crazy!  He has a wife and 6 children to support.  Still, his family goes on by faith doing the work God called them to do.

You now what else he did?  His oldest son is a senior this year in private school.  Since my sister-in-law got fired from working there (she is Bipolar and sometimes goes off her medication), the bill was no longer covered.  He went down to the school and worked out a deal that he will paint the ENTIRE school this summer so that my nephew can finish the year.  I am so proud of him.  That is a massive task & I don't know many men who would take that on.

I bashed him in that awful post because he moved in with my mother over a year ago.  They couldn't make ends meet & were about to be out on the street.  She invited them to live with her.  Three weeks ago she decided to move to an apartment and let them live in the whole house.  It is a small home, so she really needed some privacy.  What I didn't know was that he has been offering to move out for months and my Mom insisted that they stay.  She felt God wanted her to move out.  She is in mourning for my Father.  She believed a change of scenery would help.  She had lived in that house with my Dad for over 40 years.  Everywhere she looked she saw him.  Our homes are on the same property.  I understand what she means because I see him everywhere, too.

I'm happy to say that she's truly enjoying her apartment!  She's decorated it so cute!  It's like this huge weight has been lifted off her.

You know, I requested prayer at the beginning of the year that God would help my Mom to be happy again.  I've seen real glimpses of true happiness this week!  It's funny how we ask God for something and then question what He's doing.  I was the one begging Him on her behalf.  Then He makes a move and I think I know better than Him.  How foolish is that?

On to other news...

My MS is still flaring.  A sinus infection triggered it early last month.  I'm on my second round of IV steroid treatments.  I've also tested positive for antibodies to the Tysabri treatments.  This is a real bummer for me.  They will test me again in about a month.  Sometimes patients test positive the first time but then negative the second time.  I'm hoping the next test is negative so I can continue on.  I went longer on this treatment without having a flare than on any prior treatments.  Also, the lesions on my brain were healing.

That being said, I only want to continue the Tysabri if it is something God wants me to be on.  He sees "beyond what I can see" (one of my FAVORITE songs) and if He sees danger from this medication then I don't want to be on it.  Maybe He wants me to go through a tougher time with the MS for a Divine purpose.  I know without a doubt that He loves me.  Sometimes when I'm so emotional I crash and just cry out to Him for mercy and help.  I know that there are so many others going through more than I am, but my selfishness keeps that from making me feel better.  I feel so ashamed.

Enough of that...

As for our homeschooling adventure - it has been difficult.  Gigi was reading very well.  Then I began noticing a steady decline in her reading & school work.  I have always suspected that she has Dyslexia, but when she took off soaring in reading all of the sudden I second guessed myself.  WRONG.  Moms should follow their instincts.  DH & I decided to get her officially tested for learning disorders.  She definitely has Dyslexia as well as Dyscalculia which explains the difficulty with math. 

However, they also tested her IQ and she scored a 185.  She's an official genius!  They tested her 3 times because it baffled them.  It is rare to score that high on an IQ test when you have learning disabilities.  So, we now have many decisions to make.  I knew she was intelligent.  She's a walking encyclopedia who is back to reading on a Kindergarten level and math just brings her to tears.  I'd tried the programs that taught things logically, but even those weren't working.  I've been just giving her a break and reading to her.  The people who tested her gave me a lot of information to read.  I have to do that as soon as I get through all of these hospital trips.

I guess that catches things up enough.  I don't like to post "negative" posts.  I just wanted to let all of those who are emailing me & PMing me what is going on.  I am overwhelmed by how many of you care enough to contact me personally to see how I am.  Thank you for that and for your prayers.

I'd appreciate it if you'd continue to pray for Jonathan & little Maggie.  It's so tough starting over.

Thank you!

Stacey

DRAMA

DRAMA:  n.  A situation or succession of events in real life having the dramatic progression or emotional effect characteristic of a play.

I love to watch a really good drama.  Romantic dramas are especially something I enjoy to watch.  They usually have you crying at some point, then feeling warm and fuzzy by the end.  Sense & Sensibility is one of my favorites.

At this point in my life I must admit that real life drama has become a bit of an overload.  I remember my high school years.  Three out of my four closest girlfriends were extremely dramatic.  (They still are!)  I remember spending many a day (or at least lunch break) trying to keep two of them from killing each other.  I was always supposed to be the "voice of reason" which, believe me, was a scary thought!  I must admit that I had my dramatic moments as well (and they usually had to do with a boy).

As I was receiving my 3rd Tysabri infusion (MS treatment), I was in a room with a very dramatic woman.  She was 48.  To be quite honest — I could not wait to get out of that room!  Everything was the end of the world to her.  From the presidential debates to her MS journey to her ingrown toe nail...all were equally dramatic in her presentation.  She finished her infusion and left.  When my nurse came back to check on me she apologized for having to put me in the room with the "drama queen of room 6".  I told her not to worry about it, but she kept apologizing before leaving to check on her other patients.  When she came back she sat down on the bed and said, "Can I ask you a question?"  Figuring it was something to do with my medical situation I told her to go ahead.  This is what she said:

"I've been your appointed nurse now for three months.  You are the most calm patient I have.  With all that you are going through, why aren't you dramatic like the others?"

I wasn't expecting that.  I gave her a very generic, dumbfounded "I don't know" form of answer.  I was so tired and lightheaded at the time that  I really couldn't think clearly.  However, that question has been haunting me ever since — not that I want to be dramatic or anything!  It was just one of those things that makes me wonder...  I guess that's why I've been up the past few nights reflecting upon the years that have gone by.  I spent almost 12 of them as a personal assistant to the most wonderful Pastor I've ever known.  Being a pastor's personal assistant is much different than being a church secretary, although somehow those duties also ended up on my plate.  I was working my way through college during the first few years.  Looking back I wonder how on earth I got so much done!  It was during those 12 years that God taught me many, many things...and He taught me through the drama to which I was exposed as the Pastor's P.A.

The first truly dramatic incident involved the death of a child.  I was very close to the family.  I had worked with their children in many venues.  I remember that I had gone into auditorium to place a note on the pulpit when the mother came running in.  She just collapsed in my arms, and we both went down on our knees.  I was only 19 at the time and really didn't know what to do.  I didn't know what had happened.  She was completely hysterical.  She just kept screaming, "He's gone!  He's gone!  How could God do this to me?"  About 20 minutes later her husband showed up.  She wouldn't let him touch her.  She just lied weeping in my arms.

He explained that they had gone out for a while.  They came home to find an ambulance in their driveway.  Their daughter (age 14) ran out of the house & told them that just after they had left, their 8-year-old boy had complained that he had a sharp pain in his head.  She went to the medicine cabinet to see what they had for a headache.  When she came back to the kitchen he was unconscious on the floor.  He had a brain aneurysm.  He died instantly.  She called 9-1-1, but it was too late.

I was faced with true drama — not the movie form or the teenage girl form.  This time it was what I call "reality drama".  That mother wasn't being dramatic.  She was just showing real emotion over an undeniable loss.

As my Pastor's personal assistant I was exposed to more reality drama than I ever had seen before, and I was under a strict confidentiality code.  I couldn't share the things I knew with anyone.   Death was a constant in that line of ministry.  Rape, divorce, cancer, suicide, barren wombs, homosexuality, theft, miscarriages, money issues, deceit, abortion, marriage problems, betrayal...these things which were once only TV drama to me became reality as people I knew & cared about were experiencing them.

I guess what I'm realizing is that the more you have been exposed to reality drama — real life people experiencing true heartbreak — the less dramatic you become when faced with reality drama in your own life.  At least that seems to be what has happened with me.  Don't get me wrong.  I still feel the hurt and emotions that come along with life.  I just don't care to put on a big display in front of people.  I'm always thinking that as much as I may be hurting, surely someone around me is hurting more.  I'm afraid that I'll seem as though I believe their pain isn't as important as my own.  Selfishness is something that I have come to loath over the past 15 years or so.  (That's not to say that I don't have my selfish times!  I just ate that last chocolate truffle that I was saving for DH.)

This leaves me with much wondering.  Why would God expose me to so much reality?  I just can't believe that it was for nothing!  Surely He has a plan to use that for His glory in some way.  I'm just so afraid that I'm going to miss it — that someone is going to be placed in my path and I'm not going to see the need.

Right now my mind is jello.  I have so much that I'm trying to process.  Maybe that's why I'm not dramatic enough for that nurse.  I don't know.   DH asked why I don't I tell her that Christ makes the difference.  I know that is true, but at the same time I also know some very dramatic Christians and I'm wondering if she may as well (e.g. the "drama queen of room 6" professes to be a Christian).  Does that make sense?  I don't want to confuse her because we have been making some good progress with her as far as witnessing goes.

I guess being overly dramatic is just a part of some people's personality...a part that I believe many can control at will.  Take my sister-in-law for example.  She can put on a huge dramatic tantrum complete with kicking, screaming, crying, etc... when things don't go her way.  (No, I'm not exaggerating.)  However, when something that she wants to do comes up, she becomes instantly calm & ready to go.  She got fired last week because of her dramatic episodes.  She's happy about it.  That's what she wanted.  She was tired of working and so she did everything she could to get fired.  Now her children can't go to that school anymore because she was working to pay their tuition.  (My brother is a full-time missionary who feeds & clothes those in need in our area.)  The school was nice enough to give all 6 of the kids free tuition in exchange for 16 hours a week of her time.   My nephew  is a senior this year.  She doesn't even care that if they can't come up with the money he won't be able to graduate with his class.  She said, and I quote, "That's his problem.  He's 18."  This perplexes me.  If she can control the drama for her own personal gain, then shouldn't she be able to control it for the sake of her children?

This is just a bunch of rambling thoughts.  I'm hoping that by typing all of this out I'll be able to sleep!

Countdowns