God is so good! I know it's been a long time since I last updated, but so much has been going on, and a lot of it has been going on internally, in my heart and has been hard to put into words.  I've been amazed at God's grace and how He truly WILL take care of me.  Even now, after weeks/months of reflection, I find it hard to put into words what is in my heart, but I'll do my best and hope it comes out in a readable way.  :-)

I've always felt like I had to take care of my needs/wants myself.  NOT that my dh doesn't take care of me...he is WONDERFUL.  I mean, when I want something I just go and get it.  I never wait and see or just hold out.  I'm a "I want it, I'll get it" kind of person, I guess.  Well, slowly God has been showing me how wrong this is.  He's been gracious and subtle, but I can feel it in my heart. Confession time -  I am a materialistic person, and although I know it's not right, it's also very hard to change. 

My pastor's wife has been a great inspiration to me.  She is a very quiet woman who doesn't speak in church very often, but when she does it always has such an effect on me! As our church recently celebrated their 25th anniversary, we saw a video clip each week leading up to the big celebration day talking about what it was like to start the way they did and how difficult the road has been.  Well, our pastor's wife talked about how once they got married, her husband started this ministry that basically didn't pay anything.  (their first ministry was to just witness to people in the downtown area, go into bars and form relationships with people that led to spiritual discussions, etc, and also have a helpline for people to call)  Well, the pastor's wife (Janet) was talking about how hard it was at times living on not much of an income and how they lived on groceries of what her husband hunted and fished for.  She talked about a time they hosted/worked at a Thanksgiving dinner as an outreach for homeless people and she was so excited to take home some of the leftovers so they could have something different to eat.  Well, soon came an announcement over the loudspeaker after the meal that everyone should grab some leftovers to take home...so by time it was over there was none left for Janet.  The next day she was feeling down.  The wood they used to heat their house with was gone as of that morning, and she was really craving some cranberries and hot chocolate, and all they had was the wild game and fish in the freezer.  A bit chilly from the fire going down and a bit depressed, she called her husband to get some sympathy.  He felt bad for her, but what could he do?  Anyway, about an hour later, out of the blue, a former student of hers pulled into their driveway and got out.  She hadn't seen him in probably years so was very surprised to see him there.  He didn't know of their situation as far as she knew and still knows to this day, as she has never spoken with him since.  He showed up with several bags of groceries, and asked where to put the firewood.  She showed him where in the basement (albeit a bit stunned!) and he unloaded a bunch of wood and several bags of food.  He didn't say much...no explanation, not many words at all.  He just came...left the food and wood and left.  Well, shocked, Janet began to unpack the groceries.  In the bags, along with many things, were cranberries in cans and Swiss Miss hot chocolate (with marshmallows!).  So, she got the fire going and made some hot chocolate. She was so thankful that not only would God choose to meet/fill their needs....He would do so SO specifically.  Of course I can't retell the story the way she does...but I am often thinking back to this story and it just touched me in such a way that I wanted to share it to the best of my ability.

This story just TOUCHES my heart and reminds me that I* don't have to always have to try to make sure I* have all the things I want or think I want.  God DOES care about our hearts desires and can meet needs in ways we never would think of or even expect.  To my knowledge, Janet has never seen that young man again, and no one had been in contact with him before he arrived with no explanation. 

(Thinking out loud here, but I think we grew up in a home where you did kind of have to fend for yourselves, and perhaps that in ingrained in me...to an extreme degree.) 

Janet has shared MANY experiences like that one.  It makes me sad to think of the times I could have waited to see what God would do, times when I don't trust God because that's what this is.  It's a belief that I won't get what I think I want/deserve if I don't take care of ME.  I remember hearing Beth Moore talk about how the one area we struggle with/won't let go of control in is the area we don't trust GOD in.  What a wake up call. 

So, it's not an overnight change.  And things that are deep ingrained in you are slow to change sometimes.  However, I've been trying to let go in this area and release some of my fears, desires, etc to God and just WAIT on Him.  NOT that I expect Him to meet all my wants!!  That's not my point at all.  I just want to release control to the Lord and TRUST.  And since I've been feeling God tugging at my heartstrings, I have seen Him meet needs/wants in very specific ways.  It just astonishes me and breaks my heart at the same time.  I think of the times I've been selfish, greedy and untrusting.  And even fearful. 

God is so good.  God is so gracious.  God can be trusted.  God SHOULD be trusted!!