www.homeschoolblogger.com/earthenvessel/

I'm going to share this story in hopes that it will speak to and minister to someone. It is not especially easy for me to share, however I have found that complete openess and honesty are important elements to becoming free from the bondage to sin.

When I was single, I worked for a company that did multi-media shows in highschools etc. This was a Christian Company. This was my first job right out of college. While I was in training I met this guy who showed more than a casual interest in me. I was completely unaccustomed to having any guy show interest in me. He asked me out and we quickly became an item. I fell completely head over heals! We remained an item throughout our tours even though it was a "long distance" relationship. He was able to go visit my family and in turn I went to visit him in his hometown.

The problem was that he was who I though about all the time. I probably drove everyone around me crazy talking about him all the time. My Aunt finally pointed out to me that I had made him into an idol in my life. She was right. I had a relationship with Jesus, but I can honestly say that I spent more time thinking about this guy than I did about my Saviour.

Now fast forward several years. I was married to a wonderfully awesome man, not the guy whom I had idolized. I was in love with my husband and totally committed to him. However, I was also plagued by thoughts of this other guy and how things could have been different with him. I was terrified to tell all this to my husband. I thought that he might be hurt by it. But I just couldn't get this guy out of my mind.

Eventually I shared my struggle with my husband. Wow! It was like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I didn't feel like I was carrying a dark secret any longer. My hubby actually took it well and was encouraging to me. I thought I had finally broken free of the bondage to my sin of idolatry.

I would still have dreams about this other guy. It was also a temptation to fall back into thinking about him. We are talking YEARS after the relationship had ended! I would shove the thoughts out of my head and prayed that the Lord would keep me from dreaming about him.

Then one day several months ago I gave in to the temptation to look him up on Face Book. I told myself that I could handle just being friends. I just wanted to know how he was doing. I also wanted him to know that I am happily married and have 3 beautiful children. I know, totally selfish and self-deceiving!! It wasn't hard to find him and he was thrilled to hear from me. He told me that he had tried to find me on FB in the past. He also made a comment about "being a fool" not to marry me. Ack!! There went my mind going crazy over that one!

It turned out that he had only recently finally gotten married. And that was to a girl from India! In fact she'd had to go back to India to get her Visa papers all straightened out. You can imagine my thoughts of wondering if he had waited all those years to get married because he wasn't over me. I also began to start thinking again about how things could have been and even how things could possibly still work out for me and him. WHAT???? I would realize where my thoughts were leading me and try to put the breaks on them only to have them pop back in my head a few minutes later. I was going nuts and my hubby could tell that there was profound effect on me by being back in relationship with this guy. I had not kept it a secret from my husband that I was in contact with him.

Needless to say, my hubby was very uncomfortable with this arrangement. A dear friend of mine gave me Godly advice at this point, telling me that I should break off the relationship. So I took immediate action and deleted him from my friends list. Like I said, that was several months ago. This morning I was on FB and had a friend invitation. I looked at who it was and it was him. So I wrote him the following message and the IMed my best friend and my husband to ask them to pray for me!

I can't accept your request. The truth of the matter is, I thought I was completely "over" you. I told myself that I could handle being "just friends". However, when I tried that, I was plagued by thoughts of what could have been and what could yet possibly be.

I'm sorry that I dissapeared so suddenly like that. I was trying to do what I thought would be least painful for both me and maybe you. A dear friend in the Lord had counselled me to end the friendship so I took immediate action.

While I'm being so completely honest and transparent here, I want to share that I feel great embarrasement every time I think about how I went back to CA and told everyone that you had proposed to me while I was visiting you at your home. If you recall, you were getting ready to go overseas and feeling worried about going. You had asked me if I would go with you. I took that question quite literally and figured the only way the Army would allow me to go with you would be if we were married. What can I say? Except that I was young, stupid and blinded by love. I feel that I ran you off by those actions. But then perhaps it was the Lord's way of clearing the path for me to end up with John?

You need to know that I truely love my husband. I do feel that he is God's best for me. However, during the time while you and I were an item all those years ago, I had pretty much made you into an idol in my life. I didn't even realize I had done that until my Aunt pointed it out to me. I was completely head over heels. It has taken me years to break free of that.

I value my sanity, and my love for my Saviour too much to allow myself to return to that. I also value my marriage. My husband could see how I was affected by being back in relationship with you and it made him very uncomfortable.

I do hope you understand and will respect these things. I so wish that I could accept your invitation to be friends. I pray all the Lord's best for you.