I am having a difficult day with many things to bug me not least the tricky attitudes and disposition of my little brood!! I am very tired and have much to do around the house before the agent comes!! Then I had a flash of inspiration why not post my testimony,(how I stumbled across Jesus,or more truthfully how he found me.)
Sooooooooo. Where shall I start? At the beginning...........My childhood was almost cut short in a way.My Father died when I was 9,older siblings had left home and my Mum was being looked after by some well meaning relatives who kept us apart and told me not to cry.As you can imagine this left me with a few problems and stunted my growth emotionaly. I didn't actually grieve for my Dad until an adult. I was left feeling very empty,sad,angry and resentful.When a teen I did pretty much whatever I wanted and got away with it.I thankfully didn't get into too much trouble but I did play very near the edge if you see what I mean.
I had a eating disorder and battled depression for a couple of years,solidly. I tried to take my own life but stopped at about 18 paracetomols and changed my mind! Amazingly they had no effect.
But let me rewind a couple of years.I went through the school system quite rebeliously but enjoyed the social life from about 14 onwards.School seemed pointless apart from that! Anyway I made some really nice friends who happened to be Christians,one at school and she introduced me to a whole group of them!! I liked them until I found out what they believed but I still wanted to know why they believed and that annoyed me even more! I decided not to talk to them anymore only I kept meeting them all over the place! One of them had a child at the playgroup I was helping at for work experience. So I visited this couple whose child I knew,they were really lovely people and would just have an open home for any young people,not just in their church(they were youth group leaders)but anyone.So I would go over for a coffee and an argue!
Have you ever felt like you are not good enough or whatever you do is never good enough? Well I did all the time.I covered it up by pretending I didn't care .....about anyone or anything.I had a real self hatred and while I didn't self harm,I would try to harm myself in other ways with alcohol or starving myself or eating loads thinking I may as well be fat aswell as stupid and ugly!! The truth is no one is good enough but its not because of who I am its because of what I'M part of a fallen human race who have screwed up and walked away from the one who made them and the planet.Just read about Adam and Eve! But Jesus was the answer, who made the perfect sacrifice,to build the bridge between us and God. Anyway I couldn't quite get my head around it at first until I started talking to God in person and asked him for myself about this whole Christianity thing.It might sound too weird to you but he persuded me that it was all true!! The Bible everything. So really I found him on my own in the end with a few useful pointers!!
I married Hub at 18,God knew I couldn't be trusted!! Actually thats when all my stuff spewed up to the surface,deep and dark deppression etc.Poor Hub but he got me through with Gods help,I don't think I would have made it without him.
I'm still on a journey and life is still tough at times. I would never pretend that I had even nearly all of the answers.Anyone who tells you that life as a christian is easy is a liar.What I do know is that I have a Father in heaven who won't ever leave me or let me down and a friend in Christ who sticks closer than a brother. It is not just a good way to live or a good moral lifestyle, that could never be enough, it's about living and breathing with Him and really knowing Him.
So now you know! This has not been easy to share and it makes me nervous! Maybe it will help you to know me more. It is good for me.I think the rest of my day will be better.xxxxxxxxx | 