When I tell people I homeschool, they say things like, "I don't have the patience to do that!"  My response is, "Neither do I!  It's all the Lord."  They often don't believe me and think I'm being really humble.  I'm really not.  Of my own strength, I don't have the patience AT ALL.  And I am tried and tested in this area everyday.  Some days I find myself being harsh and angry with my daughters over what in the end is trivial.

Just two days ago, I came to realize how much my heart attitude affects all aspects of my life... and how rebellious my heart continues to be.  I sometimes feel like a fake to myself as well as to those around me.  I go through the motions of looking and acting the part of godliness... but inside I know my heart.  My heart is often selfish, critical, jealous, unforgiving, gossipy, lazy, harsh...  I've tried to hide it for years, even from myself.  I didn't want to have to turn away from parts of me that have brought me fleshly comfort all my life.  I have known the Lord for over 8 years and am ashamed that I have allowed my heart to languish in this condition.  Yes, I have changed outwardly in many ways, eg. answering the Lord's call to be a keeper at home and homeschool, assuming more modest & feminine dress.  But the Lord knows my heart...

A friend directed me to 2 Cor. 7:9-10:  "Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death". 

After I read that scripture, the Lord confirmed His message to me when no more than 30 minutes later I was reading a passage in a book that referenced the very same scripture!  I had been wallowing in my own pity-party, blaming my children, my husband, my ill-equippedness, everything... even to the point of considering giving up on homeschooling and sending my daughter to public school.  Instead, the answer has been in front me the whole time -- TRUE confession and repentance.  I needed to stop blaming everyone else and recognize my own sin.  Only then could I confess it before the Lord and turn away.  Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy.  Things are changing... only a little at a time, but they are changing.  In Christ, Talya