Jun. 22, 2009 -
I am thinking...
about the difficult choice to be made yesterday. My mother is still in quite a bit of pain. After talking to the hospice nurse who also talked with the hospice medical director, we decided to up her morphine to 10 mg and give it every two hours, instead of only 5 mg as needed. Mom is too weak to use the call button when she has pain and has to depend on the busy nurses to notice that she needs pain medicine. So some days she was getting eight doses,and some days only three. This regular increase of pain medicine should cover it. The down side is that her hearing has almost been destroyed on the previous dose, and this might completely eliminate it. And that makes me sad. My mother will no longer be able to hear us. But she won't be in any pain either. I think at this point this is the only thing we could do.
I am thankful for... all of the comments on her web site, the e-mails and comments here of support.
My great Aunt Dorothy wrote me last week for support and she said, "Hearts hurt, but they heal." Aunt Dorothy has lost her parents, 8 of siblings, friends, aunts and uncles, her husband and a daughter. She knows loss. And she's right; time does heal the hurt. And when the heart is mended there is a scar. We never forget the hurt and the heartbreak; the scar reminds us. I think a scarred heart shows that we have lived and loved much. I thought about these things after I received her letter on the Feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the day after the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It just seemed very appropriate.
From the learning rooms...I have decided to keep our homeschool, swimming lessons and Izzy's birthday on schedule and on track. I do not want my children to have terrible memories of their grandmother's death and I certainly do not want Izzy to associate her 10th birthday with her grandma's passing. So everything will be the same for as long as I can keep it that way. I did the same thing, BTW when Raphael died, and my children have wonderful memories of a party (the funeral supper) friends, fun and food. I want them to remember their grandma's funeral and life with joy as well.
I am wearing...light capris and a maroon T-shirt. Later on today I am going to wear a bathing suit... sigh...
I am creating... I dunno. Hopefully good memories for my kids. Still on death vigil.
I am going... nuts.
I am reading... Uncle Tom's Cabin 
I am hoping... mom passes quickly and painlessly and at the same time I am looking towards God's perfect timing. And I know when it happens I'll be able to see God's wisdom in it and will be awed by it.
I am hearing... The air conditioner which actually masks the usual buzzing in my ears.
Around the house... waiting.
A few plans for the rest of the week: My sister and I decided that no matter what, we'd like to try for a Saturday funeral when the time comes. I think those are so much nicer and not as rushed. Mom has most of her funeral planned out but she wants the music we had for Raphael's funeral so I'm going to have to listen to the tape again to refresh my memory. I got half way through it last week.
Ironically, one of the reasons my Dad had a hard time being married to my Mom is that she only gave him two daughters and he wanted sons. One of the reasons he let my EFC take the ranch away was because he did not have any sons.
At my mom's funeral her six grandsons are going to be her pall bearers - This will honor my mother, but there's a little part of me that feels some delight in the legacy that is hers - NOT HIS!
A picture I am sharing:
Proving once more getting all six kids to look good at the same time is like herding cats!
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