I was making breakfast for my 9 month old Bubba.  He was sitting in front of the TV playing while the news was on.  I was still working and waiting for my MIL to come so I could go to work.

As I went to change the channel to Sesame Street for the baby, they broke in with shots of the first plane hitting the World Trade Center.  A cold feeling sunk into the pit of my stomach, and I wondered who would play such a cruel trick by interrupting programming with that.  I quickly realized that it wasn't a trick, and it was heartbreakingly real.  I continued to watch in horror as the second plane hit, and MIL let herself in and joined me to see if what she had been hearing on the radio was true.

My hubby called to see if we had heard anything, as that was the buzz of his co-workers who were just finishing their commute.  We cried and prayed together, and then I left for work.  The atmosphere at the office was oddly quiet.  I worked for an HMO, and my cubicle was near the call center, which was usually quite noisy.  I could hear muffled sniffles from the call center staff and enrollment representatives.  I was completely numb with shock, and tried to do my work as best I could.  My hands were shaking so badly, though, that I pulled up a prayer service on the Internet and joined in with them.

I went home for lunch and hugged my baby close and enjoyed his nursing, grieving for the babies who lost their mamas and mamas who lost their babies that day.  I also thought of the scripture passage that talks about how much better it would be for those who were childless in "those days" - it was definitely one of "those days." and although I am and always will be grateful for my children, I can understand what the scripture means.

Going back to work was one of the hardest things I've done, as I didn't want to leave my baby and his tender snuggles.  I did finish the day out a little more successfully than the morning and came home to my family.  HOH and I just cuddled with baby Bubba on the couch and watched the news with shock, learning about the Pentagon and PA crashes as well.  Shortly after dinner, we heard the terrible sound of a jet going overhead.  Terrible because all air traffic had been grounded for the time being, and we knew that sound didn't belong in the sky.  As we rushed out, we caught sight of the underbelly and realized it was AirForce One, which was making a fueling stop nearby.  FIL called to ask us if we had heard/seen it, since they lived in the path as well.

In the five years that have come since September 11, 2001, my life has grown and changed, through the grace of God.  I'm so immensely grateful for his blessings.  It is with great sadness, though, that I remember that others were not so fortunate as I.  Somehow, in God's plan, this all worked out just perfectly.  I will never understand it, but now I can be at peace about it because I've realized that God is truly in control; He is just and wise beyond my finite understanding; and He watches over His people with a tenderness that I can't even begin to imitate.

In closing, I'd like to share the gorgeous lyrics of a Michael Card song.

The Tears of the World

Lyrics by Michael Card

(From A Sacred Sorrow, NavPress, February 2005)

In any split second

There is enough pain in the world

To overwhelm every gentle heart combined.

The world’s pain is as vast as the ocean.

The sorrow of the world is as deep as the sea.

Could the ocean really be the sum of the tears if the world?

Warm

Salty waves of grief

A tidal force of sorrow

 

That ebbs and flows as inwardly the world groans while outwardly its poor passengers cry out to a God whose eyes are dry.

When Jesus appeared there was a tear in His eye that was as old as the world.

It was not His own. It was the world’s tear.

 

And when even a single one of those tears would course down His unshaven cheek and disappear into His beard, it was as if a black breaker full of the world’s tears was exhausting itself upon the clean sands of the shore of His Father’s invisible compassion.

 

Jesus wept the tears of the world.

How is it my eyes are dry?

Or only wet with my own tears?

 

For the tiniest speck of one of the millions of seconds of my life has there ever been the smallest drop of one of the world’s tears in my eyes?

 

When they see me, does the world see a man of sorrows?

 

Or do they see a false pretended joy that they could never know because I have never known it myself? Could never know it while holding so dear my own comforts.

 

Grant me, O Lord an acquaintance with such tears that the world has wept.

 

Surely the presence of such a great grief in my life would displace my small sadnesses, my petty anger, my selfish sorrows.

 

O red-eyed Jesus, turn my tears into the worlds tears.

And awaken in the deepest part of my falsely satisfied soul

This Sunday's service was AWESOME.  I just had to share.  Now, I love our pastor, and he's had some really good sermons in the past, but this Sunday's took the cake.  Here is the link to the church's website.  There is a link to an archive in the "Sermons and Studies" section to hear other messages from Pastor Flatt.

The worship service was really nice as well.  It was my very first time on the praise team, and I had such a blast.  As soon as I accepted, my prayer was that the Lord be glorified and not me.  Every time I felt nervous, I'd just remember that it wasn't about me at all, and it helped so much.  It was such an honor to be able to serve the church in this way.

To top things off, my parents were up for a visit.  It was a really nice visit, especially since many recent visits have been a touch strained.  I feel that the Lord had them here providentially.  For those that don't know, they are charismatic and very Word-Faith focused.  I have been concerned about their beliefs for some time, as quite a few of them stray widely from those of mainstream Christianity.  To hear their questions after the sermon, and to sense their openness, when there had been nothing but hardness in previous occasions, was truly amazing.  The Lord also helped me with wisdom and boldness in talking to them and trying to explain the doctrines of grace.  I thought I was fumbling a lot, but some of the elders to whom I was relating this wonderful news said that I did great - yay God!

For a weekend that I was dreading so much, it sure turned out to be one of the best ones I think I've had in a long time!

1. Who is your favorite Biblical personage, other than Jesus?

Esther or David.  God used them both so mightily.  Two very great stories of providence.  :)

2. What is your favorite book of the Old Testament?

Probably the Psalms because they are so deep.  I also like Esther, Ruth, both Samuels, and the minor prophets I've waded through.

3. What is your least favorite book of the Old Testament?

I have only read about 1/3 of the OT, but Ecclesiastes has always been difficult for me.  So, that or Numbers (so dry).

4. What is your favorite non-gospel book of the New Testament?

Again, not read a lot in here, either.  Last semester our ladies' Bible study went through Philippians using Elizabeth George's book as a taking-off point, & I loved it.  I've also enjoyed Ephesians, Galatians & Hebrews.

5. What is your life verse?

Jeremiah 29:11

It seems to me that my plans may not always be His plans, but His plans always lead me to someplace better than my plans would.  :)

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Today, I visited a new LYS.  I am so in love.  It is teeny compared to the other I normally go to, but it is closer, they have a great selection of superwash wool in all different sizes, and they are so friendly (which is a big changeup from the other one).  They have these 2 adorable little pomeranians, and the little girl, Fiona was absolutely beside herself trying to love on my boys, who, I might add were very well-behaved & the darlings of the half-hour I spent there.  :)

God has certainly led me on quite a journey in my faith life! From a Charismatic Protestant to a conservative Roman Catholic to a reformed paedobaptist to a reformed evangelical.

I grew up in a charismatic/pentecostal home. My parents are still very much charismatic, although they attend church at a Church of God (Anderson IN) in their home town. In addition, they are more than a little supportive of the Word-Faith movement, also known as "name it, claim it" movement. It never sat right with me, and I still don't think it encompasses what God wants His children to believe, but I leave that between them and God. To that end, when I got out into college, I went through a period of testing - going to different churches, not going to church at all, attending campus fellowships, etc.

Ultimately, though, I met HOH at the beginning of my sophomore year, so I really only searched for maybe 12-18 months at most. When I met HOH, he had just taken some time off from Catholic seminary to discern God's will for his life. He met me, and the rest was history. The way he explained his faith, it just seemed so much more "real" to me than all the talking in tongues, "if you're not healed it's because you have hidden sin in your life because God doesn't want His children to be hurt, poor, sick, etc.." or anything else I had experienced. So, shortly after we got married, I was confirmed in the Catholic church. Things went along fairly well for a few years, going to mass, learning that there was a lot more to faith than what I was raised with, and just plain growing up.

The bottom fell out of my nice little world when I was pregnant with Timex, though. HOH felt a pull out of the Catholic church and decided that we should join an Anglican splinter group. The particular group we were in was extremely small with no real pastor (not to be demeaning to our friend who had started this church). I finally convinced HOH to come back to the Catholic church, and there we stayed for another year or so, where I was desparately trying to put down roots in a church that was so big that if you were gone for 2 years, nobody noticed.

One day, HOH decided that we should go to Bloomington IL to meet PastorK, whom he had met on the foray with the Anglican splinter group. As an aside, PastorK is a reformed Baptist minister in Bloomington, and a wonderful dear friend of our family. I was very resistant to this visit, because I knew HOH wanted out of the Catholic church so badly, and I couldn't understand it, at the time. I have since realized why, and obviously I agree now. This visit was very painful to me. I was scared of being ripped up by my roots and trying to fit into yet another church group, especially when I have so few friends anyway. There were many tears at this visit with PastorK and his lovely family. Finally, I awoke the final morning, and God had completely changed my heart. I know that this was God because I certainly wasn't going to budge if it was left up to me (thank you God that it wasn't!).

We came back from that visit with a firm resolve to find a good Bible believing church. PastorK suggested the PCA so that HOH wouldn't have to deal with the minor issue of infant baptism vs believer's baptism while there were other, more major theological issues with which to grapple, like justification, double imputation, free will, predestination, and all the other terms that good Calvinists like the throw around. ;) We found the right PCA church on the very first try, and we enjoyed a little over a year of great spiritual growth there. We also have some very dear friends from that church. Then, a little over 6 months ago, HOH felt that something wasn't quite right with his baptism, and that it wasn't necessarily because it was a Roman Catholic baptism. So, we went to Bloomington IL again, and PastorK had the honor of baptizing HOH this summer. After this trip, it became obvious to our family that our PCA church was no longer the place that God wanted us to call our church home. Thus began the church for a reformed body that held to believer's baptism.

Praise to the Lord that we found a good church, First Baptist, fairly quickly. Since then, we've been blessed even more richly in our spiritual lives than ever before, or at least I have. God has really used our pastor, our ladies' Bible study leader, and our Sunday School teachers to grow my faith. I have a desire to study God's word, which I had never had prior to this, even though I always considered myself a Christian from childhood. I yearn for a closer walk with Him and to please Him more than any other person in my life, even my family. I want to plumb the depths of Him and His mysteries, drinking of the fullness of His mercy and goodness. God is so good, and I'm so happy that He chose me! It is with excitement that HOH and I approach our upcoming membership. There are only 2 steps left in our process - giving our testimonies in front of the church and being voted in. If you remember, please pray for us the evening of March 12. Pray that I remember all that I want to say about my testimony!

Thus ends the story of my faith journey to this day, although I know it will continue for many years to come! While I don't always understand why God had me in some of the places I've been, I'll thank Him for the blessings that it has yielded.

Today, as I read momrn2's My Quiet Corner, I was both blessed and challenged by her post and Shannon's Rocks In My Dryer post.  What powerful lessons in quietude!  How much have I missed because I was too busy complaining about the wilderness instead of focusing on the journey?  I cannot express this any better than these two wonderful ladies have. 

Thank you Lord for carrying us through the wilderness!

I'm constantly amazed at how God works. He never ceases to amaze me. The way He works things together, the various threads of our lives that don't seem to have anything in common with one another intertwined in amazing ways.

To look back on things in the past and see how, at the time, it was nearly unbearable. Yet, if those things had not happened, our lives wouldn't have been shaped into where they are today. All that maturity and growth would be missing. It is awesome to ponder the marvelous works of our heavenly Father. Praise the Lord for His tender care!!!

Well, I think I've finally learned the lesson that the Lord has been trying to teach me this week. I don't think my week could've gone any less the way I planned it if I had tried. Monday, I was really peevish and grumpy about it, not enjoying it at all. Tuesday, I decided to make the best of it, especially so I didn't take it out on Bubba, Timex, and Short Stuff, when it definitely wasn't their fault. So, I relaxed. I changed my attitude. I actually enjoyed it! I saw my wonderful mother-in-law every single day this week, and we visited a lot. Even though my in-laws live only 10-15 minutes away from us, it seems like we're both so busy going our separate ways that we see them even less than we see my parents who live 3 hours away. Other positives from my disjointed week are that my bed finally looks finished with the new quilt and bed skirt I bought. My van has new tires, and I got to do my weekly grocery shopping with only Short Stuff.

I feel like I missed out on Monday's unexpected blessing because my heart was not quiet. I was agitated, irritated, and focused on myself. I was able to listen to Revive Our Hearts today. Nancy was wrapping up a series about how to have a quiet heart. I'm going to be reading the transcripts, and possibly getting the whole message series. As always, it hit home for me. Such excellent suggestions. Something I've been missing. It also ties into other things I've been hearing, reading, and/or discussing. Another thing that jumped out at me, was, as I was meditating on Jer 29:13, I was thinking. The Lord knows the plans He has for us. They are good plans, and will benefit us. Even if they aren't the plans that we have for ourselves. It is so tempting to complain about our plans being thwarted, even if we remember that the Lord works good for all those who trust Him. Part of my journey to keeping a quiet heart is to remember this truth and be Christ-centered.  I hope you'll join me.