I almost feel like I am going insane. (Oh stop the giggles, no I'm not insane already!)  This past week has been very intense for me, I so wish I had someone close I could share it with.  I truly wish my dh was a believer and we could sit and discuss things and pray together. 

I'm guessing this is going to sound loony, but I can't get God out of my mind.  For this past week it seems as though God and my faith are all that I have been thinking about, no matter what I am doing.  Whilst washing up, whilst showering, whilst cleaning my teeth, goodness me, even when I'm on the toilet!!!  Thoughts or a song about God will pop into my head.  It's never happened before.

I have completely changed the things I do.  I am no longer focused on the computer or TV.  When I do have the TV on, it isn't to gain my daily fix of the soap operas, but I turn to the Christian channels instead.  I don't even want to listen to the same music as I did.  I have been reading the Word every day, at least once, and other books written to aid Christian faith.   My mind is a constant whirr of ideas of spreading the word, and prayers.   It feels so intense sometimes, like I can't escape from it. 

That's why I feel like I'm going insane.  (I know there will be a lot of non-believers out there nodding their heads and saying you are madam, you are!)

So what do I do?  Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with all the thoughts and feelings spinning around in it so fast.  I feel the need to pray so much, I need to feed on the Word, but I also need to be able to concentrate on other things and that isn't happening much at the moment.  I thought maybe writing how I feel on here may help.  I wish I could talk to my husband.  I wish I could tell him what was happening and then he could say "Take an hour or so out for prayer and worship, I'll look after the kids."  He'd just laugh.   As it is now I struggle to find the time when I can totally cut off from everything and just spend time with the Lord.  If all the others are in bed I still have a 6 month old baby, who hasn't yet realised he needs to sleep.  He is often up until past midnight and awake again at 5am.  During the day of course I have dh and the other 3 to look after.  I will pray for help and guidance. 

following on from what I wrote earlier, we are trying something new this evening.  Namely, Callum going to bed at the same time as dh.  I just hope he doesn't get disturbed too much (dh, not Callum!)

Anyway, this will hopefully free up my time a little and allow me to sort out my priorities and spend more time in thought and worship.

Today I have downloaded, what we in the household call our "God Songs".  Basically they are contemporary Christian based songs, which both myself and the children adore listening to.  I have put my favourites (only about 30 or so ) on to my MP3 player, and am going to use them to begin my focus on the Lord.  I hope  that this will then lead me into prayer and worship.

I'm going to get off the computer now and start as I mean to go on...

Things have been going really well here, although I'm not quite as happy with myself as I could be, regarding time spent with the Lord. 

I must start getting my priorities right and putting him first, before all else.   My normal evening routine is children in bed (and Callum asleep on the Sofa as dh works nights so Callum can't be put into his cot as it is in with us at the moment.)  Then I make myself a cuppa and sit at the computer to do my 'work'.  This varies of course, but is usually made up by form creating for the homeschool, or other homeschool preparation.  I also update my blog/s, read a few others and comment where necessary, and reply to any emails.  By the time all this is done it is about 11pm-ish and I'm starting to feel a little tired. 

Usually now Callum is stirring, so I go and make up a bottle for him and get him fed and try to settle him again.  Sometimes he goes straight back to sleep, but more often he thinks it's time for cuddles and play and insists on company.  Fine, but where does this leave my "God time" ?Last night for example, it was at 1am.  I sat and prayed, and read a little of the bible but then fell asleep (bolt upright in the chair!)  I awoke at 2.45am and stumbled up the stairs, carrying a sleeping Callum.

Obviously, this has got to change and I've got to reverse my priorities.

So alongside my list of aims for this year:

1.   Read the Bible and pray at least once a day.

2.   Have greater patience.

3.   Prepare for school work better.

4.   Get up earlier.

5.   Eat healthier, with more fruit, vegetables and salad.

6.   Be the best wife, mother and friend I can be.

7.   Be content and appreciate all we have.

8.   Be happy!!!

I'll add another. 

- Get into a routine that puts God FIRST.  Spend time with him being my priority, all else will wait.

Hopefully I can do more of the planning and organising in one go instead of trickle by trickle, maybe spending one day/evening a week to do the whole week/fortnight/ even month depending on what it consists of, then I will only have to update my blog/s nightly.

One thing I can be proud of though, is my openess about my faith to my husband.  As mentioned here previously, my husband is a non-believer and I have often taken the easy option and hidden my beliefs.  I have been embarrassed to let me know of my praying and bible studying, but no more.   I feel much better for it too.

The change in my outlook is amazing.  I can't really explain to you the difference finding faith is having in my life, nor can I guarantee that it is faith at work and not just a coincidence of timing.  All I know is that I am happier, more content with my life, now liking myself, and generally enjoying doing all I am doing.

More honesty here. In the past I have been a church-goer.  Not a Christian, just a church-goer. I know there is a difference.  I turned up at church on a Sunday morning, said a few prayers, sang a few songs, shook hands with a few people and returned to the comfort of my home.  God didn't enter my head again until the following Sunday, when it was time to do that routine all over again (unless something "better" was on offer, say a Car Boot Sale for example.  Or a shopping trip.)  How awful.  I am ashamed of that.  But I lay it down here for all to see, and confess. 

Things have now changed.

I have been reading and been enlightened by the Word, and I have prayed, both alone and with the children.  Oh things seem so much better.  As said before, be it down to coincidence or my re-found faith, I don't know.  All I know is that something is working for me.

I have been open with my husband. He knows that I have been reading the Bible, and he also knows that I have been praying both alone and with the children.  In the past I was embarrassed.  He is a total non-believer and scorns Christianity with talk of contradictions and un-truths.   In the past I have hidden what I have done.  I have waited until he was out of the room before praying with the children or reading the daily devotional.  I did actually pray with them one evening, whilst he was around and I could hear him smirking so never repeated the experience.  In the past I have felt guilty for leaving him on a Sunday morning and going to Church, not liking leaving him alone.  I often took that easier option if it was offered, to lessen that guilt and skip Church for that week, or two (or three or four times), and go somewhere else with him.  That was until now.  I am now standing up and being proud of our faith, no longer embarrassed.  I now feel guilty if I miss Church, even though I am yet to find the right one for us.  Changed priorities, and it feels right. 

I'm really pleased with myself today because we did try the new church as planned. We headed down there and arrived early, but was made to feel very welcome with almost everyone stopping to say hello and welcome as they walked past.

There are a couple of things that may deter me from attending in future though, I am going to pray for guidance and talk things through with the children.  Before I go on, I must say that I can't fault the welcome we recieved.  There was a gentleman on the door that, upon my arrival, immediately said that he had been told about us and showed us upstairs to where the service is held.  Here I met the lovely Pastor, and was introduced to people as they arrived.  All very pleasant.  What wasn't so pleasant was being shown to our seats, right on the back row as if they were 'placing' the children there so not to disturb the others.   It was also pointed out that there was a room we could go to should the children start making noise.  Now, I know that they were, I'm sure, only seating us at the back for our own comfort, and informing us about the room so I didn't feel under any pressure to stay if the children started making noise.  But, I just think they could have put things a little differently.  For example, surely we should have been able to choose whereabouts we sat?  And as for the room, it could have been said that a room was available if I felt it necessary to use it, but please don't feel under obligation to remove ourselves from the service as with children often comes noise.   It left me kind of wondering whether people had attended with children and recieved the same sort of treatment, being left with the feeling that children shouldn't really be there.

My children were the only children there, which we were kind of prepared for, but the Pastor made a big thing about it and I think it embarrassed them somewhat.  During the service the Pastor said that as there were children there today, he was going to ask them a few questions.  It started off with simple things, like what day is it next Sunday etc, but I could see that Chelsea (whom the majority of questions seemed aimed at) felt a little self-concious in a room full of unknown adults.  Chelsea and Joseph were then told to find certain hymn numbers in the hymn book which they struggled with a little.  Trying to find them under the pressure of hearing "Have you got it yet? Are you there yet?" was a little much and I handed over my book having found the correct place.   Chelsea was then asked to read out various parts of various hymns.  She spoke sheepishly, obviously embarrassed and not wanting to do it.  I squirmed on her behalf.

The main sermon was the Shepherds story and I had actually read it and discussed it with the children earlier in the week.  I was just sat there thinking how great it was for the children to hear about it from someone else, when the Pastor walked over and handed them a wordsearch each.  Now I know that it was a lovely thoughtful gesture, but I would have really liked them to pay attention to what was being said. Obviously, with the Pastor not being a mind-reader, he wouldn't have known that, but I still felt a little disappointed and I can't help but feel that the message he gave the children was "Look, here is the boring bit, so to keep you busy, here is a wordsearch!"  There was no coffee time after the service, meaning people just drift away, many without even speaking.  I think that is sad, as it is lovely to be able to share fellowship with other church members, and after a service seems the ideal time to get to know each other.

I think that Chelsea hit the nail on the head when we talked about it later.  She said that we had been spoiled by our last church and nothing was really going to measure up to it.  We loved the style of service there, the friendly atmosphere, the songs we sang, the general happy, joyful, belt it out style of worship, with singers and a front of house band.  The kids adored their groups, with the wonderful enthusiastic leaders, and learning activities.  Compared to what we experienced today with the older style hymns accompanied by a portable keyboard, well it just had a whole different feel to it, more serious and sombre.  Obviously, different people enjoy different styles and I'm not being critical in any way (at least I hope not), just voicing my thoughts.

Sadly our 'old' church is not somewhere I feel we would ever be entirely involved in.  The congregation is huge, and there are lots of groups and activities going on throughout the week.  I guess the distance is the main factor, coupled with being unable to build on relationships as you hardly ever see the same people twice. 

I kind of feel drawn to the church we attended today because of the friendly welcome.  However, I know that, in order to survive, changes need to be made.  There were only about 14 people there today, not including us (and one of them was a visitor from Australia).  Apparently that is an average gathering on a good week.  I can see what needs changing, but am not sure how open to change they would be.  I'm sure it will mean many many weeks of attending and being accepted before voicing my opinions.  It is also important to me that the children are happy with where we go, and that they feel comfortable. My kids are very easy going, and really fit in wherever we go, but I could feel their embarrassment of being put on the spot today and know they didn't find it pleasant.

I will talk it through with the Lord and ask for guidance.

I am feeling very settled and comfortable with myself at the moment.  Something which has been lacking for a long time.  Why?  Well of course, I could put it down to my renewed search for the Lord, but surely that would be too simple.  I'll delay making a judgement on that just yet and see how things go :-)

Tonight I am feeling both excited and apprehensive.  The children and I have decided that we will try the 'new' (for us) church in the morning.  I am looking forward to seeing how we get on, but feeling nervous, as I always do when going somewhere new and meeting new people. 

The children helped a great deal in persuading me to give it a go.  We talked about it yesterday in the car whilst on our way to Crealy.  I was a little apprehensive in talking about it with them if I'm honest, because I thought that having their own groups to go to in Church was a big part of their enjoyment, but it seems not.  I said that the new church hasn't yet got a children's group, but it is something the pastor is hoping to re-start and wishes to discuss with me if we become regular attenders.  Their response was amazing.  Chelsea said that she thought it may be an answer to our prayers, as we had prayed about being guided and thought alot about getting involved in childrens' ministry.  We had prayed that we would find a church home that felt like a family and somewhere where we could be of some use instead of feeling like spare-parts.

Joseph's response was brilliant, full of enthusiasm and a shout of "Yes, let's go!" which was lovely.  I am so glad I have their support.  It is important to me to find a church that we all feel comfortable in, and all look forward to being a part of.

I'll let you know how we get on...

It's been a good day today.  I have spent alot of time talking through Christianity with my children, and finding out their thoughts and beliefs.  We have said many prayers together, and started memorising scripture, which we have never tried before.  I have already typed up what we have done today on the homeschool record blog (including a demonstration with "bread bibles"), you can see today's entry here.

I have been enjoying my quiet time in prayer each evening, but still failed to rise from my bed early enough this morning.  I hope that I will be able to break that lazy cycle soon, but for now I am using baby Callum still waking throughout the night as my excuse and not being too hard on myself. 

I think it has done me the world of good talking through things with my children.  They have such an innocent perspective on things, and I have enjoyed seeing things through their eyes today.  Answering their questions has kind of sorted out things for me in my head too, so it feels that I have now got a good grounding on which to start building from.

I know that I am going to really benefit from discussing the bible and refreshing it's stories and praying alongside the children, as well as keeping up with my own personal quiet time. After just a few days I am already feeling much more positive about things.

I have received an email from the pastor of the church I had made enquiries about.  It seems as if is a very small congregation (I think that 10 or so was the figure mentioned), and it mainly consists of older people although there is a lady around my age who has just recently starting attending and is new to the faith with a non-believing husband so that sounds promising.   Sadly there is no 'extra' provision for the children, so I think they will be disappointed with that because although they enjoy being in the main service, they do also like the option of attending their own groups too.  I may well give it a go though as I quite like the idea of being a 'small family' (our current church has a weekly congregation of at least 100 +, which is fantastic in terms of worship, but not so good for building relationships as you tend not to see many familiar faces week in week out.)  Another thing in favour of the smaller church is the chance to become really involved, particularly in the area of children's ministry as that is something that is lacking there.  I will pray for guidance.

but thought I had better post something.

I haven't found a routine that works for me yet.  I am trying to put aside at least 2 hours at night, when the children are in bed for my prayer and devotion time.  So far I have only managed an hour.  I am also trying to set up a morning time before others awake, but changing my waking time is proving tough and I am yet to resist switching off the alarm and falling back to sleep.  Must try harder. 

I stopped by the Wesley Owen Christian store whilst in Exeter on Tuesday, and headed for their bargain books section.  Actually, it's not so much a section as a whole room, perfect for a book-aholic like myself with a husband that dearly wishes he hadn't married one and checks on my spending

Anyway, I picked up a few titles, well okay seven in all, but they came to less than £6.00 (approx $12) so I was very happy.  Two of them are family devotionals aimed at children so I'm really looking forward to introducing those to the children as part of our daily routine.

The first book I have started to look at is called "More Hours in My Day" by Emilie Barnes.  I must say that I have taken a few ideas on board and wish to implement them in my daily life, so watch this space and you will find out what happens.  It has certainly helped me to re-think my priorities through.

I feel like I'm completely new to the Christian faith, as if I'm searching for answers all over again.  I have been a church attender since I was very small and forced to go to Sunday School every week, even though my parents only went to church on special occasions.  

I wasn't sure if I should write this or not, but I decided I would but I hope it doesn't offend anyone, it really isn't meant to.  I just wanted to write down my feelings. 

I've never had any 'proof' if you want to put it that way, that God exists.  I've never had any of the special feelings that others speak of, I've never felt as if any of my prayers have been answered, I've never been given any gifts, such as the ability to talk in tongues, nor can I say that I feel God has ever spoken to me.  I feel like I'm struggling in a search to find something that *I hope* is there, but I'm not totally convinced of it's existance.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  I want to believe.  I want to believe that I have the ability to have a relationship with the Lord, but I'm struggling. 

I need to change this. I WANT to believe, honest I do.  Maybe I'm being challenged and tested.  I don't know.

What I do know is that I need to find a church for fellowship.  I have tried a few of the local churches in the past and none of them felt *right*.  We have attended a church in Exeter (approx 30-40 minute drive) for a while now, although not regularly.  Sad to say the commute is a bit of a battle for us in the morning and we often just get there by the skin of our teeth.  The distance is also a factor when it comes to attending other meetings or groups throughout the week.  I have emailed a local church for information this evening, so await their reply.  After that there is just one more to try before our net has to be cast wider.

Well I'm going to go now and start my bible study and prayer time.  Thanks for reading this, and please continue with your prayers, I really do appreciate them along with your words of wisdom and support.

It's time for a change.

I do not like the person I have become.

I do not like my life right now.

It's time for a change.

Tonight, when all were asleep, I switched off the all-consuming television and prayed out loud.

I asked for the Lord to come into my life.

I asked for him to enter my heart and become the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night.

I want to walk with the Lord.

I want the Lord to mould and shape me into the person he wants me to be.

I am ashamed of what I have become. I am ashamed of the mask I wear and wish to take it off to reveal my true self, with the help of the Lord.

I am ashamed of my hurtful words and belittling manner, often aimed at those around me whom I love the most.

I hate my impatience with the children, I detest my sarcasm, I dislike the way I whinge and whine about everything and everyone.

It's time for change.

I am asking the Lord for help in putting my wrongs to right.

I am thankful for all He has given me. It is time I took responsibility for showing him my thankfulness.  I need to show Him that I am a person worthy of His love and guidance.

Please pray for me, and I hope to log my journey here each day.