September 29, 2009 - Jokes that you can tell in church!!!!

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' ~~~~~~~~~~ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet (but I'm sure they are working around the clock on it). You can go ahead and stick these on your blog if you want to!!! lol

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September 18, 2009 - Stuff

Hi i'm back and i've decided to start writing again! I won't be writing very much but i will try and do as much as i can! so enjoy

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May 6, 2009 - You will need Kleenex or something this is so funny!!!!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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May 6, 2009 - These are some totally awesome storys!!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said outloud, 'Lord, grant me one wish!' The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice , the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you 1 wish.' The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supporst required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for wordldy things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.' The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry,what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make women truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Bill has always been a prankster. As each of his friends got married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming. Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married.' His recepyion wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car that the couple were to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order. When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflake in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that they had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed. upon waking, the couple were ravenous, so Bill called down to Room Service and said, 'I'd like to orderbreakfast for two.' At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, 'Make that five.

A woman accompanied by her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal.  For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. If you can do this for at least ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completley.' On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say to you?' The wife turned to look at her husband. 'Your going to die.'

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April 30, 2009 - This is so awesome it totally rocks enjoy

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was 
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light 
on  in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom 
window..
 George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that 
there were people in the shed stealing things.

 He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
 He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and 
stealing from me.
 Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should  
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is 
available."

 George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then  
he phoned the police again.

 "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were  
people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry 
  about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

 Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, 
two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the  
Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
 One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that 
you'd shot them!"
 George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

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April 29, 2009 -

Hey ya'll

It's been so long since i've blogged.

Okay I am going to do a tag so yeah here it is!

1.What was the last thing you said? Hey mom can i go on the computer

2.Who was the last person that came to your front door? um some friends who were giving us some meat and stuff they didn't want

3.What do you see right now? Mud on the floor or is it chocolate?

4.What are you thinking? I want to finish this qwiz

5. What was the last thing somebody said to you? What do you want? (little brother)

6.What did you last eat? pizza and ranch flavored chips YUM

7.What did you last cook? Um i think it was last week when i helped mom make lentil taco casserole ( bluck)

I tag coolcricket and beebuddy

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April 7, 2009 - Stuff

Hey everybody,

I know i haven't been on HSB in a really long time but our computer was broken so yeah.

Okay i would just like to thank kkkreates (Missierocks) for having this template on her site it is really awesome she has like a ton of templates they are pretty cool so yeah thanks missierocks! so i gotta go do the dishwasher so i gotta go later  

 

 

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March 15, 2009 - This was on the radio

Hey everybody

I have some really funny storys ok here they are

On a bright wednesday afternoon a woman and her son and duaghter went into there local doller store the woman secratly told her son and duaghter to go steal stuff when they were leaving the woman realized the only thing her kids stole was 101 WAYS TO BE A GREAT MOM.

it was a dark night in the texas trailer park and ( this is a made up name) officer jones was takingh a cruise in his police car and saw a bright light (a really bright light) there was a fire in one of the trailers and engulfed it imediatly luckely the woman who lived there was gone the place where she is is a STOP SMOKING SEMINAR 

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March 15, 2009 - hello

Hey everybody

sorry i haven't been on the computer lately our computer shut down for some reason it really sucked.

So i am going to have a contest i want everybody who wants to do this to write a poem about a pickle it has to be a short poem three lines long and i will choose a person's poem and i will post it on my blog for everybody to see and then i will write a poem about that person for them to stick on there blog if they want to you have to comment or send me a homeschoolblogger e-mail thingy with your poem in it i have top have all the entry's by march 22nd hope you have fun doing this contest!

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January 24, 2009 - This is a very sad story so when you are reading this bring some kleenex

>This is Robbys story > > At > the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred > Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moi nes , Iowa > .. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I've > done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels > of musical ability.. I've never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though I > have taught some talented students. > > > > However I've > also had my share of what I call 'musically challenged' pupils. One such > student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) > dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students > (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to > Robby. > > > > But Robby said > that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I > took him as a student. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the > beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he > lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel but he dutifully > reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I requir e all 20 my > students to learn.  > Over the > months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage > him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always say, 'My mom's going to hear > me play someday. But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn > ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or > waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never > stopped > in. > > > > Then one > day Robby stopped coming to our > lessons. > > > > >i  thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he > had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming.. > He was a bad advertisement for my > teaching! > > > > Several  > weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital.. > To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) as ked me if he could be in the > recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had > dropped out he really did not qualify.. He said that his mother had been sick > and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing 'Miss > Hondorf, I've just got to play!' he > insisted. > > > > I don't know > what led me to allow him to play in the rec ital.. Maybe it was his > persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all > right. The night for the recital came The high school gymnasium was packed > with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before > I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I > thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I > could always salvage his poor performance through my 'curtain > closer.' > > > > Well, the > recital went off without a hitch. The students  had been practicing and it > showed then Robby came up on stage.. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair > looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. 'Why didn't he dress up like the > other students?' I thought. 'Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his > hair for this special night?' > > > > Robby > pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced > that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for > what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly > on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo. From allegro to > virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had > I heard Mozart played so well by people his age. After six and a half minutes > he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild > applause. > > > > Overcome > and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. 'I've > never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it? > ' > > > > Through > the microphone Robby explained: 'Well, Miss Hondorf, Remember I told you my > Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning and > well. .. She was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me > play. I wanted to make it special.' > > > > There wasn't a > dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led > Robby from  the stage to be placed into foster care, noticed that even > their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself h ow much richer my life > had been for taking Robby as my > pupil. > > > > No, > I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy . . .. Of Robby's. > He was the teacher and I was the pupil for it is he that taught me the meaning > of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a > chance in someone and you don't know  > why. > > > > Robby > was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P.. Murrah Federal Building > in Oklahoma City in April of 1995. >

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January 24, 2009 - An AXE and TWO 38'S

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

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January 20, 2009 - TAAAA dddddaaaaa eeeennnjjjooyyy my musical self

Why, Why, Why,

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, 
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag at the grocery stores will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

  ~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
 
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****

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January 20, 2009 -

Hey everybody

Guess what!! i made a mess today!!!! yeah

Okay i went to my friends house yesterday and we made maccaroons. so today

i wanted to make the maccaroons again becuase they were

aaaawwwweeesoomme. so in the morning bright and early i decided to make

maccaroons not a good idea since i just woke up so i got out the eggs and

coconut and vanilla and other stuff so i dumped it all in ohhh no i was

suppossed to wait before i was supposed to dump it in duh. so i mixed it all up

anyway then i realized it was really runny not firm and stiff (great) and i 

decided i could make it into a candybar type thing (NOPE) and again it was 

all runny. so i made another one it was runny also so we just stuck it on a pan 

anyway (whatever) they came out looking like cookies (HUH) i lifted one

up (dundundun duuuuuuun) i took a bite (pakooosh) i chewed (WAHMOOOO0)

bits of my mouth flying every where (NOT) not really it actully tasted

awesome well my five year old brother didnt think so (platoooy) any way it

was a good cookie  

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December 30, 2008 - Comments

Hey everybody

I NEED MORE COMMENTS!!!

please comment me about random things i am trying to get 100 comments by january 13th so please comment and i will add you as my permanet buddy!

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December 30, 2008 - Blonde Jokes!!

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December 28, 2008 - New show

Hey everybody

guess what me and hickster decided to do a web show on the blog that we have it is called IMPACT and wee don't have any episodes on it yet we just started it. i will tell everybody on my blog when we have a video on there!

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December 26, 2008 -

Diane ended up staying longer then she planned and had to walk home alone.

She wasn't afraid becuase it was a small town and she lived onley a few blocks away.

as she walked alone under the elm trees Diane asked god to keep her safe from danger and harm.

when she reached the alley which was a short-cut to her house

she decided to take it However halfway down the alley she saw a man standing at the

end as if waiting for her. she became uneasy. she began to pray asking god for protection.

instantly a comforting feeling of quitness and security wrapped around her

she felt as though someone was walking with her. when she reached the end of the alley she

walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

the following day she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been killed in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her she began to weep.

thanking the lord for her safety and to help this young woman

she decided to go to the police station she felt she could regconize him so she told them her story

the police if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him she agreed immediatly and pointed out the man she had seen the night before

when the man was told he was identifyed he immediatly broke down and confessed the officer thanked Diane and asked if there was anything he could do for her

she asked if they would ask the man a question Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her

when the policeman asked him the man answered: becuase she wasn't alone she had two tall men walking on either side of her

Amazingly whether or not you believe this you're never alone did you know that 97% of teenagers will not

STAND UP FOR GOD REPOST THIS AS DO NOT DENY

if you deny me in front of you're friends I shall deny you in front of my father

STAND UP FOR HIM!

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December 26, 2008 - Missierocks

I would like to thank Missierocks for my tottaly awesome template if anybody needs a new template she is the person you need to talk to!!

Happy new year

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December 26, 2008 -

Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!

I had an awesome christmas how about you peoples? comment me if you had and tell me your fave present you got and i will choose someone out of the comments and i will post your comment on my blog and you will be come one of my permanent friends hooray

AND this is my youngest brothers writing (he is five)

eu5tu965jio89kk

This is merry christmas (he is five)

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December 14, 2008 -

The Candy Cane......

According to the legend there was a candy maker who wanted to invent a candy that was a witness for Christ.

The result was the candy cane. First he used a hard candy because Jesus is the Rock of all ages. He shaped it to resemble a "J" for Jesus or a shepherds staff. He made it white to represent the Purity of Christ and a red stripe for the blood Christ shed for the sins of the world. And it's taste is sweet, as it is sweet to walk with Jesus! So the next time you see a candy cane, hear the message it gives: Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd, the Rock of all ages who suffered and dies for our sins.

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